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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Changing DC name

47 replies

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 16:43

NC for this.

Just looking for some opinions really.

DP left 6 months ago. DC has his name. We were engaged for 8 years, but it never happened. Think that was always his plan.

I'm getting increasingly bothered by the fact that I now and will always have a different surname to my child.

DC and I just returned from holiday and I was questioned when coming back into the country about our relationship, because we have different surnames. It was embarrassing and really quite upsetting to have to answer these questions and to have my child questioned as to who I was.

I know I should have taken his birth certificate with me, but it was my first holiday as a lone parent and in the chaos of getting me and a toddler organised for the holiday, it just slipped my mind.
It really bothers me that I should have to take a piece of paper with me proving that he is my child.

My question is this: would I be unreasonable to broach the subject of changing his name with ex? He has joint PR so I know he has to agree to it.

Is this something that anyone else has done? How did you feel about doing it? I was treated attrociously and I fucking hate him, but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

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FellOutOfBed2wice · 27/07/2016 16:45

I do have the same surname as my daughter, I would hate to have a different one to her and am glad we share a name so with that in mind YANBU.

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 16:47

Do you mind me asking if that is a different name to DD father?

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strongswans · 27/07/2016 16:51

I know how you feel, when I split with ex we changed ds's name via deed poll and double barrelled it. Fair as we both had the connection then, would this be something your ex would agree too. I still got questioned at the airport though. My ds now just has my surname now though after another deed poll change as he is now no contact with his dad.

Mum4Fergus · 27/07/2016 16:52

Lurking as I'm in exactly same situation...

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 16:53

I would be open to double barreling but we have surnames which would sound ridiculous together. Think VERY common names.

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KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 16:55

Sorry to hear that Fergus

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Hurtandconfused2016 · 27/07/2016 18:04

I am in the same situation! Both kids have ex's surname. When he first left he agreed to give ds a letter to change his name (dd wasn't born).
We had a fight and now he is refusing to give me a letter for them. I ended up giving dd his surname too because I didn't want the 2 of them having different names. I am now applying for court to change them.

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 18:12

Sorry, I'm not particularly knowledgeable about all this - On what basis would the court grant you permission to change their names? I was under the impression that if there was joint PR, if he says no, its not going to happen?

Sorry, I'm probably completely wrong!

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Ebony69 · 27/07/2016 18:26

Depends. Is the ex still part of your child's life? If so, I don't think that the split should have any bearing on the surname.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 27/07/2016 18:30

Sorry OP, was doing some jobs there. No, we are married and spent a lot of time talking about names and who'd be what but the most important thing for both me and my husband was that we had the same name as any future child even if we didn't have the same name as each other. We settled on one in the end and all have the same one anyway but neither of us felt comfortable with the idea of having a child with a different surname to us.

davos · 27/07/2016 18:33

Just to reassure you, we get questioned everytime we return to the uk. Both parents present and all with the same surname. Even the kids are asked questions too. Basic ones like 'what's your sisters name?' 'When is you birthday' etc

So it may still happen even if he has your name and not solely based on him having a different surname.

Ebony69 · 27/07/2016 18:35

You could apply for a Specifics Issue Order to change the name if he disagrees but I think the most that the court would do is to allow a DB name.

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 18:38

Yes, he's still part of his life.

I agreed to giving DC his surname because we were long term engaged and I (stupidly) assumed that that name would be mine too.

DC is with me most of the time. I'm already struggling with the label of 'single mum'. Having a different surname just makes it harder.

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AyeAmarok · 27/07/2016 18:39

YANBU to want it. This is why I always recommend women to give their DC their surname, especially if not married. And even more so if you want to marry your DP one day.

As it's very easy for you and dc to change your names to his if you marry, if you want to. But seemingly nearly impossible to change it to your own name from DP's once you've split.

Because the DP has to agree, and they never do. It's a control/a 'fuck you' thing.

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 18:42

You're right. You just don't see it at the time.

He was the love of my life. Never in my worst nightmares did I think things would end up like this.

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stiffstink · 27/07/2016 18:43

I'm possibly going to get flamed for this but if its a common surname, would you consider changing your name to match DS? You could think of it as DS's name rather than ex DPs name?

Hurtandconfused2016 · 27/07/2016 18:44

From what I am getting from my lawyer I need to prove ex isn't in dcs life's. Which he isn't. Other than that I would need to get a letter from him stating he is happy for my to change their names but this is never gonna happy

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 18:48

I had thought about that. But I just think of him every time I look at DC name. Not sure I could cope with it being my name too

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Ebony69 · 27/07/2016 18:53

Then I think you'll have to compromise with a DB name. I don't think that his dad would be unreasonable to object to his name being removed altogether. Their relationship remains in tact.

SandyY2K · 27/07/2016 18:57

YANBU to want it. This is why I always recommend women to give their DC their surname, especially if not married. And even more so if youwantto marry your DP one day.

Totally agree with you here. Go for a double barrelled surname when DC is born if in doubt.

I agree with a PP. I'm married and we all have the same surname, but due to child trafficking and kidnapping they ask the same questions. Or they'll say the forename of one of the DCs checking if they respond.

My niece didn't respond and they were questioned further, but she was known by a shortened version of her middle name by everyone.

I was thinking of common surnames ...
Smith-Jones?

SandyY2K · 27/07/2016 19:02

Common surnames. .. Smith-Jones

YANBU to want it. This is why I always recommend women to give their DC their surname, especially if not married. And even more so if youwantto marry your DP one day.

Totally agree with this ^^

They question you with the same surname too. It's because of child trafficking and kidnapping

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 27/07/2016 19:08

Passport control said it was because we had different names. Then advised me to bring the birth certificate in future.

I know he is entitled to say no, but it just feels so wrong. He's with me the majority of the time. I provide everything for him, he gets the absolute minimum from his dad.

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Heratnumber7 · 27/07/2016 19:14

Feel your pain OP, but would much prefer border control asks than doesn't ask, even if it prevents just one abduction for every 1000 pissed off parents (mothers and fathers).

AyeAmarok · 27/07/2016 19:36

Why don't you ask exDP if you can double-barrell officially it as it caused problems when you went on holiday. You can say to exDP your DS will still just go by DP surname day-to-day. He might be more inclined to agree to that.

Then once that's done just start referring to him as your surname

Lunar1 · 27/07/2016 19:40

I honestly think once a child has a name it's theirs until they are old enough to change it themselves. Change yours if you're not happy.

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