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Anyone else reach early thirties and think a family would never happen for them? I'm feeling down and would like to hear any happy stories where it all came together...

(50 Posts)
lauren42 Sun 05-Jun-16 14:18:51

I've had two 'big' relationships in the sense of seeing a future of marriage and kids, and we lived together. Neither worked out for usual reasons (uni relationship where we grew apart, and another due to distance). I'm glad I didn't marry these people with hindsight!

I've always wanted a family. Nearly all my friends are now married and many have kids, and there's only one other who isn't in a relationship. I don't want to settle and my mum tells me im too picky...I don't think that I am, I just want to really click with someone and that level of connection is really important to me... more than initial physical attraction.

I do date, and i've had phases of seeing people, a few months here and there but I lose interest and end it.

I feel very lonely. I'm busy all the time and I am happy with my life, but I miss the closeness that comes with a relationship.

I've almost accepted that maybe this just won't happen for me, unless I just try harder with someone and don't end it even if i lose interest. Maybe I am too picky. Having a family and a husband and building a life with someone is so important to me and always has been, yet I've reached this age and pretty much done everything alone.

Any stories where things changed rapidly and unexpectedly?

RNBrie Sun 05-Jun-16 14:29:38

I was just about to turn 29 when I came out of a long term relationship and spent a year accepting every party invitation, random date, blind date etc. Mainly just for fun but I also wanted to make the most of life generally.

I went to some really odd events and had some terrible dates. But also met a lot of interesting people. Couple of weeks before I turned 30 I got invited to a party by a new acquaintance, met my dh there. We were married two years later with dc1 on the way.

My advice is to date as much as possible, Internet or otherwise. Say yes to everything even if it sounds weird, stay safe but have adventures.

If you are too picky then perhaps have a couple of sessions with a counsellor to explore it a bit. It could be something that's holding you back. I used to use the silent treatment in relationships and had some counselling to understand why I did it and how damaging it was to my relationships.

Life has an amazing way of working out but you do have to get out there and explore your options. Early 30s is plenty of time!!!

Jengnr Sun 05-Jun-16 15:15:38

As I approached 30 and all my friends were married or in relationships and had children I became increasingly certain it was never going to happen for me. This led to me making some appalling relationship decisions and getting involved with some absolute DICKHEADS just because I wanted children so desperately and thought that was the best I could do.

After it ended with a particularly spectacular bellend a male friend of mine passed on my number to his recently single brother. Three weeks before my 31st birthday we went on a blind date. We've now been happily married for four years and have a 3 1/2 and a 9 month old. smile

thedogdaysareover Sun 05-Jun-16 15:20:28

Early 30's? Darlin, chill your boots, many many years yet.

Be happy with your life and have fun. There is nothing more attractive to a good man than a happy woman and if that's what you want, say it out loud to the Universe and then tuck it away in a box for safekeeping and go and live your life. I firmly believe that the Universe provides when the time is right. I'm the oldest first time bride I know age 44, very recently married, I felt the same as you. It was only at the point at I truly stopped making it a focus that I found someone brilliant. And yes I am still menstruating every 28 days and I could have a family if I wanted. I don't, I want to piss off around the world but my bits is fine. You'll be apples, don't worry about a goddamn thing now ya hear? X

BinRaidingRaccoon Sun 05-Jun-16 15:34:56

Absolutely! I didn't meet my husband til I was 32, we got married a year later and had a baby the year after. Plenty of time.

I'd been single for ages too.

hellypad Sun 05-Jun-16 15:35:04

I was terminally single, never had a relationship that lasted beyond a year, thought I would stay that way has a good career and owned my own home. I got together with DH when I was 33 got married at 35 had DD1 at 36 and DD2 at 38 and 14 years later are still going strong, so don't give up hope.

Sallycinnamum Sun 05-Jun-16 15:40:47

I spent most of my late twenties, early thirties with a succession of terrible men because I was desperate to settle down.

I met DH when I was 34 and ten years later we have two DC (one who was born on my 40th birthday).

I wish to god I'd enjoyed my single life more instead of worrying myself to death about never settling down.

Catnuzzle Sun 05-Jun-16 15:59:49

Met my now DH 2 months before my 30th. Married 3 years later, had DD1 by our first anniversary and DD2 two years after that. I had all but given up and DH was so different from my usual 'type', but then my usual type never worked out!

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 05-Jun-16 16:02:29

Same as bin met at 32 married at 34 first DC at 36 second at 38

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 05-Jun-16 16:22:31

I love that post dogdays

OP, I think you need to get it out of your mind that man + children is your Happy Ever After. YOU are your own happy ever after.

Start living a life that matches your skills and talents and interests, so that you feel engaged in your day-to-day and stop thinking about what's lacking in your life and believing that that gap can be plugged by a husband and children.

Because it's true, you may never find a decent relationship and you may never have children. It happens. And likewise, plenty of unfulfilled people get married and have children and remain just as unhappy. But you will always have to live with yourself. So make sure you are doing things that feel in sync with who you are.

Is your job the right fit? Are you using your particular talents well? Do you have friends and family in your life who make you feel loved and heard? Are you contributing something to society? These are the questions that lead to a life well lived. Not your relationship status.

newroundhere Sun 05-Jun-16 16:46:59

Got together with DH just before my 32nd birthday, we got married 4 years later and at 37 I'm expecting DC1 (7 weeks to go on Monday - eek!!).

When I got together with DH I was actually relatively "at peace" with being single, after a really hard time dealing with a tough break up, and was enjoying lots of going out and new friends. If you focus too much on "needing" a relationship and a family I really think it makes it more difficult. Try to enjoy the good things about your life now and be open to whatever opportunities comes your way.

Zaurak Sun 05-Jun-16 17:07:57

Yup. Left a ten year relationship (cancelled the wedding) when I was 31. Single for a couple of years, didn't think I'd meet anyone.
Met dh, got married pretty fast (within a year or two) and now have a kid

Don't rush into another relationship unless you're sure it's right. Don't compromise- enjoy being single.

notagiraffe Sun 05-Jun-16 17:13:16

Yes. Having been single (not through choice) through most of my twenties, I finally met DH when I was almost thirty but we discovered we couldn't have children. We married anyway and though I loved him, I was distraught underneath that it couldn't happen. At 35 a new medical version of IVF was discovered which suited our type of infertility problem. We tried and it failed four times - once each year. Then tried and succeeded just before I hit forty.

So from being sure of a childless future at 30, to having hopes at 35 which kept getting dashed, I finally got DC at 40.

EleanorofCastile Sun 05-Jun-16 17:19:46

Yes, I did and a lot of people I know did too.
However I did waste a lot of time worrying it never would happen!! I was actually 34 when I got together with DP.

Mrsbadger77 Sun 05-Jun-16 17:20:13

I met dh when I was 2 months off turning 30. I remember at the time feeling like I'd missed the boat,I'd never meet anyone and that time was running out. In hindsight I realise how utterly ridiculous I was being. I have several friends who met partners in their late thirties and who have gone on to have families. Please try to enjoy yourself and not think about it and it will happen! Good luck.

Elllicam Sun 05-Jun-16 17:25:36

I met my now DH the month before I turned 30. I had been really down, I had just got out of a bad relationship (just a bit of a pa non committal guy) and my friend offered to set me up on a blind date. Fast forward 4 years, we have 2 kids and a really nice life. It can happen quick you just need to find a guy who wants what you want (easier said than done but they are out there).

Flossflossy Sun 05-Jun-16 17:36:13

I'm mid 30s and unfortunately still don't think it will happen for me.... Sorry for the doom and gloom! Having a bad day!!

Nuggy2013 Sun 05-Jun-16 17:40:09

My cery professionally successful cousin met her DH age 38, randomly through a friend at a works event she wasn't supposed to attend. Two years on, a wedding, house purchase and DV1 later, DC2 is on the way. This is someone who declared marriage, kids etc wasn't for her blah blah blah. Happiest I've ever known her to be!!! You have plenty of time, enjoy it

Nuggy2013 Sun 05-Jun-16 17:40:38

Sorry for typos, bloody phone and fat fingers!!!

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sun 05-Jun-16 17:47:56

I got together with DH aged 38 after 8 years of working together. After 4 months we bought a house together, two months after that he proposed, six months after that we were married grin
I am step-mum to two gorgeous little boys and we celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary on Tuesday.

HormonalHeap Sun 05-Jun-16 17:52:44

I'm not sure I follow the "It'll just happen" line of thinking. I think you really need to put yourself out there and push yourself. I was 38 (with 2 kids so different), sat there in my pj's every evening connecting online with tens of guys over a period of 9 months, and met some of them. I literally refused give up, however long it took. One stood out with bells on by the way he communicated. 10 years later and married to my soulmate I remind myself that it wasn't good fortune, i made it happen.

LanaKane Sun 05-Jun-16 17:59:30

I'm in a similar position; nearly 32, split with someone nine months ago who decided he no longer wanted a future featuring marriage and family. Have been online dating for a while with a couple of short-term things but nothing lasting. Similarly, everyone I know is married or in a long term-relationship (yet is never able to recommend an eligible male acquaintance!) and as you say even though I get out, see friends and do things I feel lonely sometimes and worry it won't happen for me. I've really enjoyed reading some of the stories on here, has definitely cheered me up!

lottiegarbanzo Sun 05-Jun-16 18:01:58

Met DP at 33 had dd at 38. I agree that flinging yourself into being yourself, having fun and dating is a great idea. Dating is a numbers game, mr right isn't going to seek you out by magic.

I do somewhat regret not flinging myself into things more in my early 30s, when I was the best, most confident and happiest I've been, in many ways. It could have been fun, I'd have met some interesting people and been all the more confirmed in my choice, presumably!

I do think that, at some point, you have to decide what is most important to you, domestic partnership, fun and thrills, finding a 'soul mate', having children, or whatever combination of those things. Settling for things that make you fulfilled and contented is better than holding out for perfection that may never come, IMO.

MadeMan Sun 05-Jun-16 18:44:51

Join a hiking group; they seem to be full of 30-something people in your position.

Oysterbabe Sun 05-Jun-16 18:52:12

Met DH at 32. Married at 34. DD born when I was 35 and hoping for another.

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