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A rant if I may? Exhausted and a little anoyed

(33 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Sun 17-Apr-16 16:34:54

Ok so here it is. Me and my ex wife own a house in the town were she lives. I live 90 miles away. I have the kids full time. I think I am what is call the residential parent. Anyway about 9 months ago the Tennants left the house in a wrecked state. My ex wife had run off with another man around that time. So I have been a bit slow into action as I had a lot of emotional stuff going on, plus the kids, plus full time work.

Anyway even though she lives 3 mins drive from the house it became obvious that she had done little to fix the house. Even though for months she has been supposed to be sorting it. I am paying the mortgage on it (and mine and the kids house too) and an empty house is both expensive and a liability. We hopefully want to sell it but no way will it get a desent price in the state its in. Its on the market and every viewer has said too much work. So I have loaned 5 grand and started on getting it sorted. It's alot of work. Nothing in the house that doesn't need fixing, replacing or decorating.

So here the focus of the rant. Not only am I working full time, raising the kids I am also travelling 90 miles up the road to work on the house every free minute. I spent my week off work in the school holiday working on it and since Friday (back to my job on wed). My mum's is kindly watching the kids.
Today I text her to see if she could help me move the fridge. She come hung over and telling me she had a good night out. angry I have been working my fucking balls of since 7am Friday morning. Sleeping on a crappy camp bed in the middle of a recked kitchen since friday. She has been out drinking!
My ex is alway so keen to remind me half the equity in the house is hers. If half of its is hers why can't she lift a finger and help? She live 3 mins away and I live 2 hours away. I also have to raise the kids and hold a responsible job.

It just feels bang out of order that she owns half owns the house (even though she has never paid anything to it) but has done nearly fuck all to sort it. I have enough on my plate with the kids and work. The least she could do is help out since she is nearly next door. I feel so knacked, angry and I am missing the kids. Normally we would go out for the day on a Sunday. I am working so hard to sort something that belongs to us both and all she can do is party. Why can't she get some work done in her free time. Its not like she has kids to look after, after work. I would love some free time. It's vary rare with work and the kids. I have started OLD and its going well but at the moment I can't see me ever getting the time to actually meet.

She gets to have fun and time for herself. I get sorting shit out as always.

Sorry her hung over was the final straw for me today. Glad that is off my chest. I just want a break.

StealthPolarBear Sun 17-Apr-16 16:37:18

Yes it sounds shit. Im sorry. I don't suppose there's much you can do to make her help.
I suspect a lot of people - single parents - are in a similar position, useless ex and taking on everything themselves. I suspect the majority of them are women.

AnotherCiderPlease Sun 17-Apr-16 16:39:16

Have you had the house valued in its current state? Check with a lawyer as to whether you would be entitled to keep all of the increased value for yourself and not share it with your wife, as you are spending the money and doing the work after you are legally separated.

Micah Sun 17-Apr-16 16:40:43

Get a solicitor.

Get someone in to fix the house. Keep every receipt, document every penny, photograph before and after.

When it comes to selling the house, get the money back before the equity is split. You should both pay for the repairs.

Does she pay you child maintenace?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sun 17-Apr-16 16:48:39

I'd agree with anothercider it may be possible to do that. I'd also see if you could release any additional funds on the mortgage and use those to pay for the work to be done, rather than doing it yourself and missing time with the kids.
It would cost her money as well as you as there would be less equity when you came to sell, and it would save you doing the work yourself to make more money for you both.

Are you divorced yet? Does she pay maintenance and have the financial settlements about the house and your marital home been completed?

I am asking because it seems very unfair that you have the children and all the responsibility of raising them, and yet she is expecting to profit equally from your marital assets. Surely the parent with the children needs the most money?

Uncoping Sun 17-Apr-16 16:49:42

Does she pay you maintenance?

I'm curious as to why she doesn't want the kids?

Does she see them often? She comes across as a rubbish parent and a rubbish person in general actually.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 17-Apr-16 17:06:10

No point. In current state the house is worth less than the remaining mortgage. It's in an industrial steel town so that don't help. Property prices never full recovered where it is and we bought in 2008 at the height of the market.

Can't aford to get people in. The kitchen units and other materials cost a bomb. It's coming on nicely. The carpet filters are coming tomorrow.

To be honest I not sure if it will sell. The estate agent said no one is buying round here and can't let it go for beans. I may have to find some more cash to buy her out and get renting it again. If I do that at least I will get the money back and more. Then when the kids are older I can sell it so they have a deposit each.

I don't know either way I will sort. I always do. But still so very angry that 9 months it's been empty and she lives down the road. But despite everything I have on my plates it's me who has to sort it all.

It's made me realise how selfish she is. I have discovered so much about her since she left. I turns out I never knew the woman I married. Anyway back to painting.

Whisky2014 Sun 17-Apr-16 17:14:35

Aw this is a shame. Well done for all your hard work. I'm sure you are setting a good example to your kids about hard work and dedication. Sounds like you are well rid of her! Good luck to you smile

Hissy Sun 17-Apr-16 17:22:34

Why, in the face of the ridiculously overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary, would you expect your ex to be a decent person about this?

Give up expecting anything of her, get the job done and get rid of the house.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 17-Apr-16 17:24:13

No she don't pay maintenance. She works min wage and although I don't her finances. I can imagin she has lots of money. I am a fairly high earner and can support us fine without maintenance. Although with the house things are a bit more tight. I know she lives rent free at her boy friend house. But at least she pays the council tax on our house. That's one thing she contributes. Also I stop paying her car insurance soon. That will be a bit of extra money in my pocket each month.

She originaly said she was talking the kids. They went with her for a bit and then she said I'm bringing them back you can have them. The kids have changed so much and so happy down with me. I was overwhelmed at first but so happy to have them. She see them on average about ever 2-3 weeks. We have nothing formal.

I often question the sort of mother she is. Obviously she does love them. But actions speak louder than word or tiers. I hate to say it but I think she has let them down.

HerRoyalNotness Sun 17-Apr-16 17:38:03

If the house is on negative equity there is nothing to buy here out of.

I'd put it to her in the following way, for eg: if house value is 10k less than outstanding mortgage, she can either put 5k into the pot to pay off mortgage when house is sold, or she can sign the house to you and walk away.

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts Sun 17-Apr-16 17:45:06

See a solicitor - honestly, it will be money well spent. As Royal has said, if the house is in neg equity then you might be able to get her to agree to walk away from it - then at least all the hard work you're putting in will benefit you. As it stands you're breaking your back for her to sit on her arse and put her hand out for 50% of whatever you end up making.

Oh, and get your status as the RP formalised as well and get contact formally agreed. She sounds very manipulative so I wouldn't put it past her to come back and try and 'reclaim' the children at a later date. Kids need consistency - which is what you are giving them. Good luck; you sound like a great Dad and I am sure you are doing a cracking job with them.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 17-Apr-16 18:18:28

Not too worried about arrangements with the kids. I doubt she'll want them back full time and if there was a legal battle the fact that they are happy here, my eldest is settle in a nice school and we have a good home. I don't see it going in her favour as the court will want what's best for the kids. So not giving the Solicitors more money. The devorce sold be complete before the end of the year. All she wants is half the house. We still talk often and its all smooth. She admitted the adultery and no problems. So at least that is smooth.

Like I say the thing that anoys me is her not helping out with the house. I am just really tiered and grumpy.

Slowdecrease Sun 17-Apr-16 18:49:17

She sounds an absolute selfish knob, so any expectations that are based on her being anything other than a selfish knob are I'm afraid going to lead to nothing but annoyance. You on the other hand , sound ace. Just keep on doing what you're doing, handling it all, when they look back your kids will be so proud of you, rightly so.

Lunar1 Sun 17-Apr-16 19:03:30

I think the best outcome would be to get her to sign over the house if it's in negative equity. If you can afford the payments at least you will build up equity.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 17-Apr-16 19:13:34

She wants half the house. Half of what? It doesn't sound like there's going to be much equity to be had, if any.

What I would do is ensure if there is any equity, that what she should have been paying you for child support is taken out of any sum which might go to her. And that's if the mortgage-payments you are making are equal to the Council Tax she's currently paying. Which I doubt it is.

But I'd only do that once she's signed up to proceed with the sale, so you can get this albatross off from around your neck. And by "albatross" I'm referring to both bricks-and-mortar and your useless ain't-much-of-a-mother ex.

jayho Sun 17-Apr-16 19:22:07

OK lovie (seriously hope I don't come over patronising, or even worse, motherly...) I've seen a few of your threads.

This is doing you in. You've been dumped, left with all of the responsibility, all of the pressure and you're struggling.

We all struggle. It is shit. No one really understands and the hell of going through the whole explaining bit is too much to go through for the benefit of what little support you might get.

You've got two choices:

1 completely lean on your support network of friends, family, work flexibility, any other free outside agency to help you 'just because they have to, because they love you

2 buy it in - childcare, trades etc etc

Third choice is a hybrid of the two - pay for what you can, beg what you cant.

what is clear is that you can't go on like this. Are you being a bit stiff upper 'I'm fine, I can cope' ? If so, stop

Re the buy to let, if she isn't inputting to the management etc, ask/tell her to sign it over to you as part of the financial settlement so that you bet the benefit

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts Sun 17-Apr-16 19:23:40

Love you really need to go back to your solicitor. As Bitter says - half of what? There isn't anything except neg equity. I'd go for a clean break with her - she can either start paying towards renovation costs with a view to selling the place once the market's recovered in your area - or she signs it over to you now and walks away.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 17-Apr-16 21:06:25

You have given me some stuff to talk about. I have put to much money, time and effort over the years to get rid of this house for nothing. Unless I get a really good offer I will try sort the money out and buy her out. If I stay the course for the next 20 years I will have something of value. There not much chance i'll get Tennants as bad as the last ones, I hope.

My solicitor wrote me the other day and said we can start the application for a clean break. It would be simple to sort her some cash. Then I can continue to sort everything as normal. It's fair to say I don't expect anything from her. She is so self absorbed in her new like and her up and down relationship with new man. Best just to get the dead weight cut out of the equation.

It's been a bit emotional too. It was our first house when we married. Lived their a year before I got posted up north. We were so loved up in that house. We had such laughs and dare I say christened every room. It's mad how life works out.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 20-Apr-16 11:26:40

Well I have returned home. It's is soo good the see the kids again and a little emotional. My 13 month old boy is walking so much better than when I left 5 days ago. He is gowing so fast. My little girl had lots to say about school. I felt so guilty about being away from them and using my free time to sort the house instead. Still they had a good time with their grandma.

Anyway the house is getting there and starting to look good. Back to work now so I will had to try an squeeze some time to go back up there in the next few weeks and hopefully get it back on the market.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Apr-16 14:12:19

She is not entitled to 50%
She has not been contributing and you are the RP so you should get more equity as you are having to look after the DC.
Get some legal advice. Your DW is talking out of her arse.

TwoKettles Wed 20-Apr-16 17:11:39

50% of negative equity is less than nothing. You don't owe her a penny. Go for that clean break, get tenants through an agency which will vet the type of tenant, get references etc. As Dory would say, 'just keep swimming!' All will. Be well in time.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 20-Apr-16 17:12:48

Well she is only after 50% of the old house that I rented out. She doesn't want anything from the house that I bought for me and the kids after we split. It is worth a fair bit more. So I think it's not a bad settlement. Still gets my goat I am grafting so hard and she is next door and doing nothing. Just can't wait to get it sorted and dare I hope some free time.

Atenco Thu 21-Apr-16 04:52:02

No advice, but you have my sympathy. I can identify with the rage one gets with the NRP when they let you or the kids down for the umpteenth time.

Best wishes

Cabrinha Thu 21-Apr-16 07:31:44

Yes, but you're still not answering the question - 50% of WHAT?
Not "of the old house" if the old house is in negative equity!

She sounds thoroughly selfish and a total nightmare, I'm sorry for that.

But I am still put out at your assertion that she wants 50% when she didn't contribute. Did she look after the children whilst you were able to work? Sounds like it. Just because she's not a nice person doesn't mean that she didn't make a contribution in the past.

You need to sort out the clean break fairly, with a solicitor.

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