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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

husband at the gym while baby is at hospital

44 replies

yellowsands0211 · 09/04/2016 15:31

i have been married for 3 yrs and have recently just given birth to a baby boy. 2 days ago i had to bring our 4 month old dd to hospital due to high fever. First night in the hospital was really stressful as baby was up and crying all night, i looked after the baby and barely slept too. husband came in next day, help me look after the baby, gave me time to rest (2hrs) and left in the evening so he can rest. instead, i found out that he just went to the gym. we had a pretty difficult day as doctors were querying meningitis, baby was so poorly. i couldnt grasp the idea of him having the desire to go to the gym when he has a sick baby needing his attention and a wife needing emotional support. I was so stressed out last night, i think i made a mistake marrying a selfish man. am i being unreasonable

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TeaBelle · 09/04/2016 15:33

Was he allowed to stay at the hospital overnight?

RememberToSmile1980 · 09/04/2016 15:35

I'm sorry you are having to deal with a poorly baby. I hope that baby is soon well and gets the medication required. I know you may be thinking he is being utterly selfish - however going to the gym may be a way for him to de-stress? Only a thought unless he has got form for this kind of stuff?

2ManySweets · 09/04/2016 15:35

YANBU. Whilst the gym MAY be his way of "switching off" for a small necessary break its not a very supportive or kind thing to do to you and your DD when she could have a life-threatening illness.

In fact, it's fucking unacceptable. Your OP infers you were on your own first night baby was in hospital: is this right and if so - why?

Pinkheart5915 · 09/04/2016 15:36

I don't think your being unreasonable, it's natural to want your dh with you and your baby in hospital it must be stressful for you.
How does your dh deal with emotions? If he struggles to show how he feels etc is it possible he went to the gym as he doesn't know how to handle the situation with baby in hospital, doesn't know what to do?
The best thing is to talk to him and tell him how much you need him there right now

tellmemore1982 · 09/04/2016 15:37

I'm sorry your baby is unwell.

Was there anything your DH didn't do because he was at the gym - was he late back to see you or not pick up and bring in any items he might have promised etc? If you'd otherwise never have known any different and had agreed that DH could go and you'd be ok at the hospital, then the fact that he went to the gym shouldn't be a problem. That might have been his way of switching off before resting, I don't think it makes him selfish unless there was a negative consequence of his choice therefore YABU. It does make him a bit though, it's not something I would have thought to do.

Hope your son recovers soon.

KittyandTeal · 09/04/2016 15:38

I think it depends on if he was allowed to stay or not.

If he was allowed to stay over night but chose not to that's something I cannot understand and I think is a bit selfish. However, if only one parent is allowed to stay and that parent is you then I can fully understand him going to the gym to unwind, it's exactly what I would have done.

NoCapes · 09/04/2016 15:39

You've recently had a baby boy and have a 4 month old daughter??

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 15:40

I'm assuming that dad wasn't there as dads are generally not allowed to stay overnight in hospital?

tellmemore1982 · 09/04/2016 15:42

NoCapes I wondered that too and assumed the DD was a typo....!

NoCapes · 09/04/2016 15:48

Ah of course! Duh Capes!

tellmemore1982 · 09/04/2016 15:51

I could be wrong though... It wouldn't be the first time

SilverBirchWithout · 09/04/2016 15:54

I am confused about ages and sex of children/child. Is it one child where DD/DS is a typo or a newborn and a toddler. Or is the 4 month old from another relationship of DP's?

helensburgh · 09/04/2016 15:54

Completely unreasonable on his part.
My daughter has been in hosp a lot. We tend to spend as much time together as poss. Then sleep alternate nights. Guess not possible if breastfeeding .
I hope your week one improves soon.

Spandexpants007 · 09/04/2016 15:56

His priorities should be giving you a proper break and sleep. Followered by his own selfcare. I can see the gym is great stress relief but it co

Spandexpants007 · 09/04/2016 15:57

Shouldn't come at your expense

Atenco · 09/04/2016 15:58

"I'm assuming that dad wasn't there as dads are generally not allowed to stay overnight in hospital"

Weird, I don't live in the UK, but why would a dad not be allowed to stay overnight in a hospital?

stinkysnowbear · 09/04/2016 15:59

In stressful situations I always exercise. I know it might seem thoughtless but I know that, for me at least, I am more useful/switched on after exercising.

yellowsands0211 · 09/04/2016 16:05

sorry dd was a typo. we ended up arguing last night. only one parent was allowed to stay and he never offered to swap with me looking after the baby at night. in fact since i gave birth, i have never left him with looking after the baby for more than 2 hours. all this stress and lack of sleep is making me even more depressed. he knows my situation but never really cared. going to the gym has become his obsession.

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Moreisnnogedag · 09/04/2016 16:06

Maybe he couldn't rest and and didn't want to sit at home going over worse case scenarios in his head? The gym can be a great way to try and burn off nervous energy and make you shattered enough just to fall asleep. Is he doing everything else to support you guys? Usually hospitals only allow a single parent to stay. If he offered to stay would you go home? If you are staying at the hospital all the time (through choice or because you're expressing/breastfeeding etc) then so long as he's rested and supportive it doesn't matter what he does surely?

Sirzy · 09/04/2016 16:11

I'm not sure, obviously you feeling unsupportive isn't good but at the same time when Ds has been in hospital I have asked my mum to bring in running gear so I can get out and destress so I can see why he would want to go to the gym.

sleepwhenidie · 09/04/2016 16:11

I think two separate things, YA def NBU to be annoyed he hasn't offered to swap overnight duty but I think if your agreement was that he was getting two hours rest after you had the same then it's up to him how he spends the two hours, what difference does it make to you if he spends the time sleeping or at the gym? It is for many people a healthy way of dealing with stress/emotions.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/04/2016 16:12

If you have never left him alone with the baby then why would he offer to stay the night? Are you BF?

The two hour situation isn't ideal but I'm assuming you like it that way for a reason?

I don't think he had to stay st home doing nothing..............of course I sympathise with you and I suspect you're super tired which is heightening everything for you???

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KittyandTeal · 09/04/2016 16:12

In that case I'd say hibu. He should have offered to stay.

tellmemore1982 · 09/04/2016 16:13

It sounds like you are feeling like you don't have much support at all rather than being annoyed he went to the gym.

I would actually never have expected my DH to be the one who stayed at the hospital, especially if you haven't left DS for more than a couple of hours. At four months, that's actually very normal although I know it feels hard.

So, given that you are the primary care giver to the baby and your DH was not able to stay the night at the hospital with you, I'm sorry but yabu for saying he shouldn't go to the gym on this particular occasion.

It sounds like there have been other occasions where he has been instead of being home to support you or give you a break, they are perhaps the bigger problem. Stick together for your DS here, then when you get home perhaps scheduling in some regular time for yourself would be a good start.

yellowsands0211 · 09/04/2016 16:16

just before my 30th birthday, i talked to him about how i felt, how my lack of sleep and rest is affecting my emotions. he always says he will always be around to support me. everyday he tells me how much he loves me and our baby, yet he forgot to greet me on my birthday and only remembered it when he heard my friend greeting me happy birthday. they say that love is forgiving and accepting yet i find it so hard to accept his flaws. should i just accept him for who he is and what he does despite feeling constantly hurt and sad.

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