Everything is a disaster, I can’t see a future. Flaming expected, advice wanted.

[ALittleBitofRain]

I see no possible way this post won’t earn me a flaming but I feel like I have a three car pile up going on in my head right now and some anonymous internet advice wouldn’t go amiss. Be as brutal as you like. This story is incredibly identifying but I’m pretty sure no one I know is a MNer. If you recognise me, please be discreet.

The facts: married for 18 months to partner of coming up to 11 years. I’m 33, she’s 37. She is 10 weeks pregnant (I am a woman, btw). As of 5 weeks ago, I feel the following things:

1. There is no way I am ready to be a parent. Partly this is due to current life-circumstances – I’m halfway through a PhD, which I love, and suddenly feel the timing of having a newborn/baby in the last year of this is ridiculous, what was I thinking. Partly it is due to big unresolved grief issues in my family – a sibling died as a baby, when I was a pre-teen, another died unexpectedly when I was a teenager and they were in their early twenties. How does anyone have a baby when they (the baby) might die? The risk seems far too big. I realise this is irrational but it’s how I feel. Although I am still sure I would like to be a parent at some point. (I have previously been unswerving in my desire to have kids.)
   
   
2. I am in love with somebody else. Have only met them 5 times in total. Nothing has happened, bar some mutually acknowledged sexual tension and agreement to never refer to it again. Met two weeks before we got married, immediately thought – fuck, I can never see this person again, they are too dangerous. Then inadvertently did see them 6 months later, then 6 months after that, then 3 months after that. After the second to last time I felt sick for 3 days and it took me a while to remember what those (strangely familiar) feelings mean. Cried my eyes out thinking about how we could never be together. Since then I have lost loads of weight without trying, been sleeping badly, etc, etc. Hoped I could cross my fingers and it would all go away, but it hasn’t. After the last time I don’t even know whether I should be trying to stop myself feeling how I do. (Feels too big and important.)
   
   
3. There are a lot of things in my (otherwise brilliant, but rocky for first 5-7 years) relationship I am unhappy about, mainly related to things that happened in the past – ways I was hurt by my partner’s feelings for other people, things I absorbed but didn’t get angry about. Also ways in which I feel I will never truly be what she wants – she has ‘made her peace’ with that, but why should she, and why should I be settled for? The way I feel with the other person is so entirely me, I had forgotten what that is like. I want that to continue, although I don’t for 2 minutes imagine that I would be able to start a new relationship with this person if I got out of the one I was in. At least not for a couple of years - dust would need to settle, etc, etc, also perhaps it is all in my head anyway. Can’t work out whether this is depression or the truth (scored v high on NHS test, am in therapy - it is helping, but not fast enough.)
   
   Has anyone ever been in a situation remotely like this? The people who know me best tell me I am not a terrible person and have done everything in good faith, but honestly, I feel like a monster. Nothing has ever made me feel suicidal before. But this has pushed me very close to the edge. I can’t understand how I could be wanting to leave a relationship/this new life when on paper I have everything I ever wanted. On the other hand I feel properly like myself for the first time since I was about 18. (We are currently living separately.) I just can't see a future.
   
   Why all of a sudden does the life I’d planned feel like it would mean the end of me as a person? Do I just need to grow up? Advice, other perspectives, challenging questioning all appreciated. If I can't respond straight away I will as soon as I can.

[cansu]

I think tbh that you need to be honest with yourself. You want to have the excitement of a new relationship. You have a very simple choice, leave and have the chance of a new, exciting relationship or stay and have a family with your partner. I think she would prefer not to be fucked about by you given that she is pregnant.

[donajimena]

Has your relationship maybe just run its course? If you were 100% committed and completely head over heels you wouldn't be having such cold feet or thinking about someone else. In my opinion

[LineyReborn]

When did you leave your wife, exactly? And does she know why? Is she ok?

[Cinnamon2013]

Did you both decide to have a baby and raise it together? (I'm guessing so). In that case, regardless of what happens in your relationship, you do most importantly of all need to square up to your responsibility to your child, who was planned.

I know you may not have the hormones but a lot of this sounds like the pregnancy anxiety I experienced. Becoming a parent, and preparing for it churns up a lot of early experiences and can really trigger fears (for me far more than joy - although the joy quickly came after the birth). I don't really know what to advise other than keep going with therapy and allow yourself to feel conflicted, it's natural. And don't do anything hasty.

[ALittleBitofRain]

A month ago. Yes, she knows why, we are in touch every day. She also understands all the bigger family context etc. She is okay (as okay as she could be in the circumstances), she has been with family. I still love her in the same way I always did. I just don't know if it's enough any more. And she is my family too, whatever happens. We have been together since I was 22.

[ALittleBitofRain]

Sorry, posting too slowly - I've not done this before. Yes, we conceived of this baby together - I pushed for it, really, but we decided she would go first as she's older.

Yes, I am emotionally cheating, I recognise that. I hope I am not picking holes but it does feel like a lot of things I just took for granted are now bothering me so perhaps I am.

Thanks for all the comments so far.

[LittleNelle]

Sounds like you are panicking a bit because of the reality of having a baby.

You're infatuated with someone who is more exciting than your boring old wife (and kid) and now you are trying to justify it to yourself.

[UptownFunk00]

I'm just going to number them like you have for ease.

1. As I'm sure you are aware you should've thought about this before deciding to have a baby with DW. I understand why you'd want to focus on your studies but DW is having the baby so you really should support her as best as you can.

1. It's tricky because you can't help whom you fall for. I don't know if you love this person or you are in love with the idea of this person due to point 3. It's up to you if you want to pursue this relationship but I'd urge you that if you do then you should leave it for a bit - whilst pregnant and with a tiny little baby your wife will be feeling a little more vulnerable already. Also bare in mind this person might have feelings for you but they may not want to be in a LTR; they might just want some fun.

1. Without knowing the issues I can't give individual advice but it's perfectly reasonable to be upset when your wife has left you feeling unappreciated.

I'm sorry that you have had loses so early on in your life. Re: you don't know how anyone can have children due to death - we take a risk every day when we walk out the door but we want to do it, because we want to live life the way we want to, not live in fear. I've had 2 traumatic births but I know that the chance of having my babies here was worth it 100%.

I wish you luck.

You aren't a bad person but you've left things too long and procrastinated on decisions/went along with DWs and now you're between a rock and a hard place.

Essentially no matter what you'll probably hurt but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy.

I wish you good luck OP.

[ALittleBitofRain]

God yes, re: potential new relationship. I would be leaving it for at least a year or two, with the understanding that anything could happen in that time. (And you're right, I have no idea what they might want, and I'm not going to start that conversation, that way more madness lies.) The last thing I want is someone else dragged into my mess.

Thank you UptownFunk00 for wise advice and good wishes.

[ALittleBitofRain]

It isn't really about the other person, more how they've made me feel about myself, and made me reflect on the relationship I'm in.

[legotits]

My two bob is...

You need to have a big gap between ending your marriage and any other relationship, give yourself chance to distinguish all the messed and tangled emotions and concentrate on baby.

[ALittleBitofRain]

This is all really helpful, thank you MN

[Twinklestein]

Do you know why you pushed for the baby given you're halfway through a PhD and now regret it? What were the motivations behind it? Did you think you really wanted a baby or did you want to cement the relationship? I think that might help identify what's going on now - pregnancy jitters or something deeper.

Another question that makes me curious - why did you stick with this relationship given that it was 'rocky' for the first '5-7 years' - that's' a hell of a long time to stick with a tricky relationship. Did you it ever occur to you then that you weren't that well suited and might find someone more right?

[donajimena]

When I became infatuated with another man I just knew my LTR was over. I didn't cheat or pursue OM but I ended the LTR immediately.
I am 100% happy with my partner and couldn't imagine anyone else. Thats (in my eyes) what a happy committed relationship looks like.

[dakin1]

I am also in a gay marriage. As the partner who carried our baby I would have been devastated if this happened when I was 10 weeks pregnant .. Especially if my wife was the one who really wanted the pregnancy so I can't help feeling really sorry for your wife. . I really think you need to step up and take responsibility. Having a baby together will be magical. You have been together 11 years so you must have a strong connection. Don't ruin your future for a crush x

[ALittleBitofRain]

I've been broody since I was about 17. That's part of the reason we ended up getting married (so can both be recognised as parents as in same-sex rel) - neither of us would have been bothered otherwise. That I wanted and would have children was absolutely non-negotiable for me. That's part of the reason I've been so blindsided by my response. I can only think it is actually partly about trying to fill the gaps from family losses. I'm now closer to my family than I ever have been (unexpected side effect of having a massive freakout) and don't feel so alone any more.

I stuck with it because I couldn't bear the idea of being left (I persuaded her into it, several times), and because I felt that we were/are very good for each other on many levels (complementary skills etc). And we have a deep friendship, and a love.

I realise none of this makes much sense.

[Gobbolino6]

You sound like you are over thinking and before you mentioned it I thought 'she's depressed'. Talk your feelings over with your therapist, while they're all valid some of them are anxiety fuelled and fuelled by past experiences. There's a lot of confusion there..make no rash decisions.

[prettywhiteguitar]

I think unfortunately you will be totally killing the relationship with your wife by leaving her whist she is pregnant with a child you mutually decided to have, it's very very hard to come back from that

[Pancakeflipper]

Remember that if you do embark on a new relationship it will have to encompass your baby and current wife. And it is easy to say "oh I know that" but the impact of the family you are creating will be huge on any future relationships.

I hope you see a doctor to check out depression.

And therapy to talk things out. Losing a sibling at a young age does screw up my thinking at times. Sometimes I overthink and just can't handle my own reality. It's very odd.

[britmodgirl]

It's sounds like you are panicking.

A pregnant partner has dredged up past issues of death as well as the usual I'm not ready for this panic.

An infatuation is usually a symptom and way of focussing feelings away from every day problems. Day dreaming is life's screen saver.

Up to you what you do but don't make a decision in haste based on fear.

[RivieraKid]

I'm honestly not trying to flame you here, but you 'persuaded her' several times to have a baby and now you've left at 10 weeks? Whatever the complex emotional reasons behind you currently living separately, I know I'd find it incredibly hard to get past if I were in her shoes.

[ALittleBitofRain]

I didn't mean that RivieraKid - I meant I persuaded her several times not to end the relationship in our early years, when she wanted to. I really clung on.

Thanks to all those warning against hasty decision-making.

And yes, am seeing a doctor about depression as well as talking therapy twice a week. (Wish it was more tbh.)

[Lalaloopy2016]

You pushed for a baby and now she is ten weeks pregnant you want out. That is really awful. You need to step up and face your responsibilities.

[RivieraKid]

I see, thank you for clarifying your comment - was confused as it came after saying having kids was non-negotiable for you. I hope you find the peace and support you're looking for and that talking therapy helps you clarify where to go next.

Totally agree with britmod too - intoxicating infatuation can be a way of diverting panic stations away from an immediate real life problem elsewhere.