I want to leave my partner but he's acusing me of 'taking' his child

[MEVA]

Hi, I'm needing some advice as I'm really trying not to be dragged into a massive guilt trip. My bf and I been together nearly 7 years and it has been up and down from the start. We have a one year old and some of the issues are similar to a previous posting [Link removed by MNHQ as the OP of that thread may not want to be cross-referenced here - sorry].

Needless to say I've had enough and really think the relationship has become toxic. It is not a good environment for any of us, especially my beautiful son. It is my home (rented) but when I've asked him to leave in the past he simply refuses to 'because of the baby'. Note: this also happened before we had a child hence the inverted commas!

I've come to the conclusion (and/or ran out of fight!) that it would be best if I gave up my flat and moved back to my home town 160 miles away. I love living in London but would not be able to afford it by myself and I have great family and friends back home (some good friends here too but no family) and would get the support I need, including childcare (I have recently gone back to work, he looks after the baby as he 'freelances' which is code for works occasionally in his case!).

When I have mentioned this in the past (moving back) he has gone mental, accusing me of taking his child off him, that it was what I always had planned blah blah blah. None of which is true obviously but I cant help but feel bad about moving far away. My son adores him, and he does love him (I've stopped saying 'good dad' as many people have rightly pointed out that if your partner is aggressive towards you how could he be?) and I have no problem with him or his family having access, but they're all making me out into a horrible person for wanting to be somewhere else.

It is all such a mess and I'm just sick of feeling so shit, I dread opening my front door sometimes, not knowing what mood I'm going to walk into and don't want my baby growing up thinking that this is normal. My family and friends are really concerned as I've lost a lot of weight, and been having some health problems (I'm normally very healthy) and they're probably right to say that it has been caused by stress. I've tried everything to make it work, including counseling, but he thinks I'm the one with the problem. I just can't go on, some days I feel like I'm going mad! All advice welcome x

oh yeah, should mention that he's said that I have to stop breastfeeding so he can have him overnight if we do separate!!! Unbelievable

[MidnightVelvetthe5th]

Take back some control, he does not get to dictate what happens to you. If he wasn't such a shit then you would not be moving away.

Feel free to move back to your home town & you make the decisions when he can have access & when overnight access starts. You are the primary carer & it doesn't matter what he says, you have to put your own child's needs first which means they go before his. All these threats & 'you have to's' are there so that he controls what happens & he gets to put you back in your box if you have ideas about moving away. And you're letting him stop you.

Have you considered putting your plans in place without his knowledge so that he only finds out at the final stage before you go? Also go to the CAB or to a lawyer so you know what if anything he is entitled to of your house or flat & how any joint assets will be split. Make sure you have your own bank account, he doesn't need to know about it.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

If it's only your name on the lease then you can give notice without telling him, get your largest male relatives round with a van and move out in one day.
He cannot dictate breastfeeding or not.

[Solasum]

If he is the one staying at home with the baby while you work, he is the primary carer, and if you did leave he might be able to claim maintenance, and keep primary care of your DS?

[UpsiLondoes]

Does he have parental rights?

[GraysAnalogy]

Well I'm sure to him it does feel that way, he's the primary carer. Just as it would to you if he decided to walk out with the child one day and say he was leaving you.

I think you need to leave and then from a distance try to come to some sort of arrangement in regards to his access to the child. First priority is protecting yourself. Once you're in a safe situation then you can go from there. Get in touch with places like CAB to find out your rights etc. Good luck and stay strong

[huskylover]

I don't think you should put 160 miles between you, tbh. If you do, you are denying your Son a relationship with his Father. If he hasn't done anything to make you think the child is at risk with him, then I think it's unreasonable to place this distance between child and parent.

I moved 30 mins away from my kids Dad, and it made life quite difficult.

If you are in the same town, your son will visit his Dad regularly, for shorter periods. If there's 160 miles between them, and visitation happens, be aware that he will go to his Dad's for extended periods of time in the holidays, to compensate for the fact that there hasn't been weekly visitation. Would you be happy for your son to go there in the summer, for 2 weeks, for eg?

Also imagine Christmas. Separated parents tend to rotate, Christmas day at Mums, Boxing Day at Dads, and so on, whereas with a distance issue, you'd probably have to rotate annually, ie. 2016 Christmas with Mum, 2017 Christmas with Dad.

Bad idea, imo.

If he's freelance, can't he move as well (to wherever you're going)?

[GraysAnalogy]

Agree with 160miles being too far. You need to think about facilitating a relationship between child and father in the future.

[WorraLiberty]

Try to imagine this the other way around.

If he left you and took the baby 160 miles away, would you not feel as though he's taking your child?

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

If his name is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility. He has the ability to apply for a court order to stop you moving that far away. The court could also be asked to determine with which parent the child should live. You need a good Solicitor.

[scallopsrgreat]

Agree with Moose. Time for a solicitor. From the sounds of it he has only been primary carer very recently. In addition you are still breastfeeding. If you can demonstrate that moving away would be in the best interests of your child then you will be able to. Moving away from an aggressive (and possibly abusive) environment would probably class as being in the best interests of the child. As would moving towards a more supportive environment. However a solicitor will be able to advise.

If he is abusive (and the fact you are scared of him would suggest so) then Women's Aid would also be able to help (and probably give the names of some good solicitors).

Good luck

[SolidGoldBrass]

Get advice from WA and a solicitor and then make plans. Ignore the man and what he says - he is the least important person in the situation (because he's a wanker - if he wanted to be a good dad he would treat you with kindness and courtesy).

[mumcantmakeadecision]

I'd go fruity if my partner decided to move 160 miles away and take my child.
I can understand his annoyance and anger at that idea.

[sassandfaff]

I'd get fruity, if I'd asked him to leave and he was refusing! I wonder where some people's dignity is at times.

Have you tried expressively explaining that unless he moves out, like you have asked, you have no alternative than to move 160 miles away?

It might make him move. wishful thinking

I wasn't aware the court could dictate where you live, as long as you are in the same country?

If his name is not on the flat and he is refusing to leave, is phoning the police and having him removed not an option?

If he is the primary carer though, he could apply to court for full custody

[hellsbellsmelons]

Start keeping a log of all of his abusive behaviour.
If he makes you feel scared and you feel he may become violent then call 999 immediately.
Has he been violent in the past?
If so, did you report it at the time?

Him looking after your DS does put you in a precarious position but if you can prove DA (not necessarily violence) then you may be able to move away without too much of an issue.
If you can't then I'm afraid you will need to take legal advice.
Womens Aid can point in the direction of a good solicitor who can deal with abusive assholes!

I am so sorry you are in this situation. With him claiming it's all you, he will not take any responsibility for his own behaviour and actions so you do need to get away.

[UpsiLondoes]

Of course the court can dictate where you live when two adults have EQUAL parental rights and one of them is trying to move half way across the country. Having parental rights also means he can disagree with school choices, medical issues... And if she claims he is abusive, the courts will ask why she's leaving a baby in his care.

[GraysAnalogy]

I'd get fruity, if I'd asked him to leave and he was refusing! I wonder where some people's dignity is at times

He has a legal right to be there. If this was a woman who had been the main carer of the child and then the partner told her to leave would you say she lacked dignty for wanting to stay in her home with her baby?

[GraysAnalogy]

That's if it's names on the tenancy re. legal right. Although he can apply for a occupation order if he doesn't want to leave.

[sassandfaff]

"It is my home (rented) but when I've asked him to leave in the past he simply refuses to 'because of the baby'. Note: this also happened before we had a child hence the inverted commas!"

It sounds to me like it is a tenancy agreement in her name only.

It also sounds like she has asked him to leave before the baby was born. Hence my lack of dignity comment.

Or do you think people should just be railroaded by a stronger, more dominant partner into continuing in a relationship?

I find that most people who play devils advocate, have usually got a really nice partner at home, and project the circumstances onto that partner and are aghast at how that would play out.

Unfortunately, if you have an arsehole for a partner, who is abusive, or narcissistic or damaged in some way, normal rules can not apply.

[Babycham1979]

OP, I don't know what you mean by 'aggressiveness'; you don't mention violence and lots of people are (unfortunately
) aggressive in everyday life.

It sounds as if he's the primary cared. Are you prepared for a separation where the baby stays with him? If not, why not? Because you have a vagina?

Of course you'd be 'taking his baby off him', and legally (assuming he's not abusive or dangerous), he probably has as much, if not more, right to custody now than you.

[SolidGoldBrass]

She can just take the child and move, and let him waste his time and money pursuing her through the courts. A lot of abusive men give up fairly quickly. The priority is the OP and the child, not some wanker's ego.

[MEVA]

HI, thanks for all the replies, just to clarify a few things. He is not the primary carer, he looks after our boy 2 1/2 days a week so I can work because mine is the only steady income and from which ALL the bills are paid, he gives me the money back as and when he's 'got' it. This even happened when I was made redundant and when I was on a pittance on maternity leave.

On the days I am at work he feeds him the food I have prepared for him and the dresses him with the clothes I have left out, and he takes him to the places I've found for him - and trust me, I'd love to not have to any of this, this isn't about me being a control freak, it's about him being lazy and not having any initiative. On my days off (and this has been the case from before I went back to work, I only went back 2 weeks ago) he has NEVER got up and had breakfast with us, and I have to fight with him to get up before 11am, which is early compared to his usual 12.30/1pm! Do you see why I'm not thinking equal parenting here never mind primary carer!

He's been aggressive in the past, smashing things up and pushing me, the last time he did this was in front of my son who immediately started crying seeing his mummy fall into his toy box and smash it. I went home to family and came back with my dad who sat him down and made him promise he wouldn't do it again (note: I only told my dad about the one time, stupid I know) He hasn't but I don't trust him. He has still carried on throwing things around.

The question as to what I would feel/do if it was the other way around I've asked myself already, and the answer is I would move to wherever they were going. I would never stop him seeing him (I've not even phoned the police when I should've because I don't want things to be worse for him) and I'm certainly not thinking of going back to spite him or lightly. I'm going back because I'm in an awful situation which is affecting me and my child. Without this relationship it is very difficult for me to stay here, and given everything I've said should I? I have a loving supportive family who are worried about us, and his family in contrast do nothing to help. His father said to me that even if his son hits me I have no alternative but to stay with him 'for the sake of the child' needless to say I didn't agree.

Btw, he would never leave London (born and bred) as he would never want to leave his mates (who he smokes weed with every Fri night) so much for putting your child first.

I feel so trapped.

[Jw35]

Just leave and let him Pursue access via the courts. If he's abusive towards you the mother of his child, added to what you've said, he sounds like a crap dad anyway.

[makingmiracles]

Do not mention moving away again to him, he could in theory go to court and get a prohibitive steps order against you, which would make it impossible for you to move that far. Who is on the tenancy? Could you hire a van and move in a day? He sounds like a total shit tbh and if he can push you into your child's toy box he can do much worse. Do you want your child growing up witnessing this and thinking its normal?

[MEVA]

Yes, exactly, that's what has prompted me to start planning an escape, I don't want my beautiful innocent child to be a party to all this crap.

I spoke to WA today (thanks to everyone who suggested it, they were very good) and they mentioned the prohibitive steps order which I knew nothing about. It is better if i just leave without telling him but, despite all this, I can't help but feel bad doing it like that, stupid isn't it. I'd much rather sit him down and talk it through properly but every time I've tried this is the past it ends up in a massive showdown and I can't do it anymore, my son has seen and heard enough.

This is my flat, with all my furniture and stuff I've bought yet it looks like the only viable option is for me to walk with away with bags, it's crazy!!! And so so so far away from the picture of the family I had in my head