Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New BF jealous of relationship I have with xDP(40 Posts)
Am I being unreasonable? Since separating from my DP after 20 years together we have become really good friends. I love him but not as a lover and he loves me. I had to go to hospital last week for some tests and asked him if he would come and sit with me as my BF was out of the country. My XDP came the hospital pater that evening and took me back to my house. We had quite a few drinks and then he left. This has caused an issue with my XDP's GF and it seems that they have split up over him coming to get me from the hospital
My BF had guessed how I had got home from the hospital and I told him that my XDP had only stayed for half an hour for a glass of wine after dropping me off.
My BF seems to becoming more jealous of my relationship with my XDP. He says that he does not understand the relationship I have with him as it was me that ended the relationship due to mental/ alcohol and other issues with my XDP.
He says that whilst he cannot understand the relationship he says he trusts me and will find a way to accept it. He also says that this does not mean that he likes the situation and it makes him feel very uncomfortable. He has also said that he will not prevent me from continuing my relationship with my XDP. My BF also knows that I speak to my XDP via texts many times during the day which is just general chit chat
Am I being unfair or unreasonable to my BF?
You said you and your ex had quite a few drinks and then he left, but you told your bf he only stayed half an hour for a glass of wine.
So, did you lie to your bf about the duration and nature of your ex's stay?
(Also, if your ex was driving and left after "quite a few drinks", was he not over the drink-drive limit? Are you sure he didn't stay? Be honest, now, no point massaging the story for our benefit.
a - was he drinking and driving?
b - why lie about the amount of alcohol?
c - you seem very invested in your ex. Texting many times a day is not normal behaviour after leaving a relationship. So I would say he has a point.
Myself an ex have a good relationships and have brews together etc but we have kids together. If we didn't though we'd never see each other.
Your boyfriend has a point.
If your xdp has alcohol issues why are you encourging him to drink by drinking with him?
I would say texting your xdp several times a day is over the tops. Do you contact your current dp as much? I don't contact my do that much even if he is away for a few days, but different people have different patterns.
You do seem to have a very intimate relationship. How long have you been seperated and do you feel that mentally you have come to terms with what that means?
You lied about how long he was there. That's not good. You are prioritising your close relationship with him over the feelings of your partner and his partner. Thats not good.
20 years is a long time. Some part of you probably still feels a bond and it is probably very familiar and comfortable being with him. He was your partner for 20 years.
But he isnt your partner now and maybe it's time for you both to step back from one another a tad.
To be honest I can see where you boyfriend is coming from.
And you lied.
You split with him partly due to alcohol and yet are sitting in your house having a few drinks?
Did he leave his car at yours? Or did he drink drive?
I can't see many people being happy with their partners being this close to an ex tbh, unless as others have said there are children involved (and even then not sure about having a few drinks together etc).
How long ago did your 20 year relationship end and did you have time apart after the split? It sounds like you're both still invested in the past and the old relationship and for new relationships to work you need to be in them with both feet iyswim.
You can't leave half a foot behind in the past.
Your lying about the situation I'm sure has only made things worse. Are you covering something up?
You need to have a hard think about whether your relationship with your ex is truly over and if so step back to allow you both to heal properly.
OK, Thank you for your responses. The reason that I told my DP that he had only stayed for half an hour was that I didnt want him thinking that something might have happened. Nothing did happen by the way. We sat and chatted about various things until about two in the morning.
We do have a DS aged 15 and he lives with me. The XDP was looking after him while I went for my tests. I called my XDP to bring me home from the hospital.
I get the drink driving thing and realise that I am facilitating his habit by drinking with him.
We have been separated just over two and a half years and yes we do have a bond. He has told me that I am his "soul mate". I do love him but not in a sexual way tbh there wasnt much of that going on anyway. I know that he loves me but I guess more as a sister.
I consider him one of my best friends but this seems to be causing an issue with my DP who says that he cannot understand the relationship. He firmly believes that x partners will only cause issues in the current relationship due to jealousy which He says is difficult to control. The fact that my DP spends a week away abroad does not help. I am not co habiting with my DP either. I really do love my DP and I know that he loves me and I want our relationship to work.
So totally confused, what is the right thing to do? I cant just stop my relationship with my XDP surely?
If /when your BF finds out you're lying, as well he might from the newly X GF, it will fatally hole your relationship.
You are behaving exactly as an emotional if not full on affair.
Sort out if you want to give it a go again with your XP. If so, give it a proper shot.
If not, then stop behaving like his mistress.
I think if you really care about your new relationship then you need to take your partners feelings on this into consideration and back off from the ex.
Texting multiple times every day? Staying up late drinking together? These are things which would have rang alarm bells for me when I got with my partner. If he prioritised his relationship with his ex over building one with me then yes we would have ended. It isn't just jealousy per se but also the feeling of not mattering as much to you.
Why not? For 5 years, let's say until you build a new life? He's just a friend, you said. A friend who calls you a soulmate and doesn't mind breaking up his or (probably) your relationship.
I'd run a mile if you were a bloke.
Tbh I would be walking away in your dps position.
If you 15 year old needs someone too look after him, who looked after him while he picked you up from hospital.
I don't think departed parents of a 15 year old news the involvement you and your ex have.
He was at your house drinking until 2am. When you left him because of alcohol? Where did he leave his car? Outside your house all night?
I wouldn't want to be with someone so invested in the relationship with their ex to the point they were lying to me to facilitate it. Especially when that ex calls them their soul mate.
If he thinks something is going on the absolute worst thing to do is lie! Dont you see that lying makes it look more not less likely that something happened!
You tried to control his response by feeding him the wrong information. That's not ok.
Your relationship with your ex must change to make room for your new partner. You are co parents now, not a couple.
Also, how your partners feel should matter to you. You know that it upsets them. That should be enough to remain mindful of how things affect them.
It's not about stopping speaking! You can't wipe out 20 years of history but you must know that from the outside it will look like 'unfinished business'.
You just need to shift your relationship sideways. Move it to a different type.
I bet it felt really good to cosy up with wine. Like the old days. Familiar. Comforting.
It's not right that your ex calls you his soulmate. That must make his partner feel great!
The two of you are clearly still mentally a couple. You need to mentally 'uncouple' iyswim. Move on, away from each other, leaving yourselves with a friendly coparenting relationship but dial back the couply intimacy, the constant texting and the talk of soulmates.
You still have a strong bond with your ex, I wouldn't say it's usual to be texting an ex several times a day. You lied because wanted to hide the fact you spent so much time with your ex. Your boyfriend & ex's girlfriend have a very good point.
Xdps alcohol issue is no longer my problem. It his his choice and he will suffer the consequences WHEN he is caught. When we were together I tried and tried to help him but to no avail.
In a way I feel sorry or pity for my XDP as it was me who ended the relationship dispite the fact that I still loved him. It broke my heart and took two years to heal. My new DP is loving and sweet and very understanding and we have spoken about this situation many times. I know that it is an unusual situation for me and for many people to understand but it is as it is. Xdps problems with his dp are not my problems they are his problems.
If my dp says that he will try and understand but says that he is not comfortable with it, what do you think that means?
I get the fact that I should have not covered up the truth and will deal with that. I know it was stupid.
It's no longer your problem?
But you are quite happy to sit drinking and chatting?
Surely if he is still your best friend, it's still a concern.
It maybe just me. I have a relative who is an alcoholic. I couldn't sit and share a few drinks with them.
I can see why your dp thinks it's odd.
Am I being unfair or unreasonable to my BF?
Hell yes you certainly are.
Imagine this reversed and it was your DP and his Ex of 20 years.
Would you be happy?
I wouldn't and I would not stay with someone in these circumstances.
You are way too involved with your Ex.
Neither of you have moved on properly.
It's not fair on your current DP.
I think the kindest thing you can do is finish it with current BF.
Get to grips with what you really want in life.
Your ex is your 'soul mate' 'best friend' etc....
So be with him and stop all this.
It his his choice and he will suffer the consequences WHEN he is caught.
What does this mean?
Does he drink and drive? Did you sit drinking with him knowing he would drive home?
What about everyone else on the roads?
You have to ask your bf exactly what it means. He knows you have a bond with your exdp and that he's the father of your son. What does he want you do, based on that? He has to tell you what will make him feel comfortable with the situation and you have to decide if you think this new relationship is worth doing it for. That's the only way this can work.
Not your problem? You're enabling him by sitting drinking with him.
His issues with his dp aren't your problem? Again, maybe not your issue BUT your relationship with your ex is the cause of their problems. The fact he still loves you and calls you his soul mate just proves that he is holding onto your relationship - probably in the hope you can rekindle things. It's cruel of you to string your ex and your new man along like this.
What do you think that means it means exactly that, that he will try to understand your relationship but the closeness you still she with someone who does not need to be such a major part of your life is difficult for your dp to understand, especially if he feels put out and like you're prioritising your ex over him
So apart from the sex how exactly is you relationship with you ex any different to your relationship with your current partner?
You facilitated him drink driving away from your house. This alone is a massive issue and completely unacceptable on both your parts.
As for your original issue, your BF is justified in complaining.
Join the discussion
Please login first.