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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner keeps bringing up termination really hurting me

33 replies

Tryagain92 · 22/02/2016 21:38

Hi all. I had a termination 4 yrs ago as I was about to start university and knew I couldn't cope and seriously it was the hardest decision of my life

My partner begged me to not do it.. At the time I didn't know why. Then I found out it was because he knew that if I had a baby he'd be able to stay in the country (hes not from the uk!!)

Since I finished uni, we tried again to get pregnant in 2013 but ended up being ectopic. Then again in may 2015 but it was another ectopic, had a chemical last month and im pregnant again.. So far so good. They saw a gest sac! Anyway he had a couple of drinks and then all of a sudden he brings up the abortion, talking about how old the child would be etc. I got very angry and basically told him to shut his f...king mouth then I said you carry on drinking and drown your sorrows because you're a sad loser. I don't mean to be harsh but it really angers me. He blames all my complications on my termination! I dont even know why im with him but even looking at him right now, he really makes my blood boil. I dont know how much longer i can keep up with all of this :'(

I dont even know why i am with him. I am completely and utterly trapped.

OP posts:

Report

Owllady · 22/02/2016 21:40

Why and how are you trapped? Can you explain?
He's boring vile and abusive :(

Believeitornot · 22/02/2016 21:41

You should not have a child with thi man.

He sees you and a child as a road to a uk passport...:

Tryagain92 · 22/02/2016 21:42

I don't know.. Now that I am pregnant I guess I am feeling really low. He's a lovely person when he doesn't drink! He said he'll stop when the baby is born but I guess once a drinker always a drinker :'(

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/02/2016 21:44

Why are you trapped?

Please don't have a life with someone who is being abusive towards you

Owllady · 22/02/2016 21:44

People can stop drinking
But is he just like that anyway?
Drink is not an excuse to be vile to someone you are supposed to love

FoxFeatures · 22/02/2016 21:47

He won't stop drinking and being vile. Don't bring your lovely baby into a home like this. Get rid of his abusive arse - you will feel so much better when you do.

0dfod · 22/02/2016 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 22/02/2016 21:52

He's not going to stop drinking.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/02/2016 21:56

He said he'll stop when the baby is born

That will not happen and you know that you are best advised NOT to have a dc with this man as he will be in your life for the next 18 years and more.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/02/2016 21:59

You have obviously gone through a lot to get pregnant, did you not feel like that about him until you were pregnant? Has his behaviour changed since you conceived?

I think him wanting a baby as a convenient visa would have been the end of things for me.

pallasathena · 23/02/2016 08:54

I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Your partner is abusive and controlling and from what you've said, it appears that you have very little self respect if you allow this behaviour to continue, if you allow him to have any say in your life. And if you put his name on the birth certificate then you are effectively chaining yourself to the idiot until your child is 18.
Its only as difficult as you think it is to free yourself from such a knob. I'd choose freedom every time if I were you.

Marchate · 23/02/2016 08:58

He is mistreating you. He is selfish. He is abusive

You don't need him in your life

Mamaka · 23/02/2016 09:24

If he has been in the UK the whole time you've been together he must have got some kind of visa by now anyway? What visa is he on?
Saying I'll stop drinking once the baby is here is just getting you off his case for a few months, it doesn't mean anything. When the baby is here he will use another far off deadline.

OhShutUpThomas · 23/02/2016 09:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy

But I don't think he'll stop drinking either. You're not trapped, you can leave any time.

Gazelda · 23/02/2016 09:28

You are not trapped.
Do you love him? Can you see a long term future with him? Do you think he is with you for a UK visa?
Regardless of any of the above, you can make a life for you and your baby without the father (barring access visits if appropriate) if you wish.
Do you have anyone you can talk this over with to help you decide what you want?

Joysmum · 23/02/2016 09:56

If you don't have a drink problem then it's no big deal not to drink and you don't need an excuse to stop. The fact that he needs that excuse means he has a drink problem.

PatriciaHolm · 23/02/2016 10:15

He sees you as a broad mare to give him a baby and thus a uk passport. He's a deeply unpleasant man.

LaurieLemons · 23/02/2016 10:42

Are you really trapped? Do you have family/friends you could stay with? Please try and think about your options, everyone has something. It will be even harder to get out once you have the baby (presumably not working/childcare expense).

You could do so much better!

MrsUniverse · 23/02/2016 12:44

Please do not stay with this man.

Branleuse · 23/02/2016 12:49

Maybe having a termination when he was completely against it has damaged your relationship beyond repair? It doesnt sound like either of you like or love each other much anymore

The termination was your right, and you absolutely did what you had to do, but that doesnt mean its always without consequence if only one of you wanted to do it. Hes obviously still hurting about it.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 23/02/2016 15:14

Having a baby here won't entitle him to settlement anyway.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/02/2016 15:21

Some abusive men behave worse towards their partners when they are pregnant and "trapped". You are strong and brave, you have a degree that you made a tough decision to get. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you unhappy.

IamlovedbyG · 23/02/2016 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/02/2016 16:24

Agree with IamlovedbyG, that was really awful, OP. And, if you truly felt that he wanted you to be pregnant to get a UK visa, why did you stay with him and why are you having another with this man?

It would be better if you both cut your losses and found other relationships to be happy in because to bring a child into yours would be horrendous for the child.

SongBird16 · 23/02/2016 18:15

'Anyway he had a couple of drinks and then all of a sudden he brings up the abortion, talking about how old the child would be etc'

If this is all he's done I'm not sure how it's abusive. It was his child too, who else can he talk to about it?

Having said that, you don't seem to like each other very much. I wonder why you've tried so hard to have a baby together. But it's not too late, plenty of people have babies alone.

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