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i just foud out im pregnant and now he's depressed

(30 Posts)
telizabethm88 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:25:53

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and living together for 3 months now. I found out that I'm pregnant on the 22nd of January then on the 24 of January I lost my job because I made a minor mistake. This all has taken a toll on my boyfriend. He has asked me to terminate because this is a new relationship and having a baby will put a huge strain on the relationship. He promised that if I do and that if we were still together in a few years that we would try then. With all this talk it has made me cry even more. Which has caused him to go into depression. He hates that I am feeling this torn up. He is 46 and I am 27. He has two sons a little younger then me and the relationship with their mom started out the same way pregnant early on and then she freaked out left him married another then divorced the other guy to marry him and then to leave again and then come back and then leave once again after pregnant with their second. And then not allowing him to see his sons and at all and lying to them about him. I understand his uneasiness about the whole thing because of his past, but I'm not her. He doesn't want another child in this world that he cant be a father to, but I would never do that. I would stay in this horrible little town we live in if we broke up so that he could know his child and be there for Him/Her. I just don't know what to do. I am pretty sure that I cant abort my baby. I was told by my gynecologist that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. now that I am I don't think I can terminate with the hope of later trying. Him being depressed is putting me into a depression. I just don't know what to do!!

Twitterqueen Thu 04-Feb-16 16:35:00

Firstly, take a few breaths! You don't have to do anything today, or tomorrow or even this week.

Next, separate the issues. Termination is not something you can just say "oh yes Ok then, we'll give it another go in a few years." Do you want this baby, regardless of whether or not your DP is on the scene? You say you don't think you could terminate - so don't let him persuade you otherwise. It's your decision.

6 months is no time at all so I'm not surprised he feels the way he does - especially given the previous history of his relationship. And he has been honest with you about how he feels, which is a plus.

I would suggest some counselling at a Marie Stopes clinic - you need someone neutral who can help you understand what it is that you want to do.

And this is biased, but if I'd been told I couldn't get pregnant and then found I was, I'd be singing with joy.

telizabethm88 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:44:39

He has always been honest with me about everything. never hiding a thing from me or any emotion. He said I love you first. it took me weeks longer to say it back. I want to be jumping up and down with joy but with his depression over this is making it impossible to do so. I know that I have enough support to be able to have this baby on my own, but I don't want to do that to him. I want him to be able to be a dad to his baby this time. have a second chance. his ex wife told his sons so many lies about him that his youngest wont even talk to him. He hasn't gotten to meet his grandson who is I think 9 months old now. He says he will support me with any choice I make and that he cant make me do anything. I don't want to disappoint him but ultimately I don't want to disappoint myself. I don't know how to tell him I'm keeping the baby.

2ManySweets Thu 04-Feb-16 16:47:36

Two ways of looking at this:

1. He's genuinely battle scarred and scared after the experiences he went though with first relationship and the 2DCs.

- however this is his matter to resolve and IMHO not your problem.

2. He point blank doesn't want another kid, regardless of how this would make you feel

- however if he felt that strongly about this he should've got his tubes tied/put a hat on it.

I'm going to level with you, it doesn't like a great environment in which to start a family. He's got more baggage than lost property and is red flagging he does not want this baby.

Your choice is whether you choose to continue with the pregnancy and either a) prepare to lose the relationship or b) live with the resentment that may eminate from him as you've given him a child he doesn't want

Or

Terminate the pregnancy and improve the chances of retaining the relationship but risk your heart breaking about a) a child you so evidently want b) ending up resenting your DP so much the relationship goes under anyway.

Personally I think your DP is being selfish as f* and that he's controlling you into a termination with some poxy tale of woe re: the XW.
Re; "trying again" in a few years - unless he seeks therapy he will continue to resist having more kids. Plus he'll be 50+ and you'll be north of 30 making the whole situation potentially even more charged/polarised.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Feb-16 16:53:47

Hmmm. Regarding the situation with his ex and children, please remember that there are two sides to every story. He might be telling you the truth, but he might be telling you a version of events that paints him in the best possible light. Not that he's necessarily be lying on purpose, just that he might have convinced himself that he's done nothing wrong and it's all his ex's fault, to make himself feel better.

My opinion is that it's very soon in the relationship to make the decision about whether to have a child together. It might work out, it might not. He is also significantly older than you and might not want more children (he might just be promising children later to persuade you to get an abortion now). If you keep the baby you have to be prepared to be a single parent, which is difficult but doable. Do you have supportive family nearby?

Please make your decision based on what you want and don't let him pressure you. I second a PP's suggestion to get counselling from Marie Stopes - or BPAS which is another option.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Feb-16 16:59:48

I also think it's unusual for someone to be depressed simply as a result of a disagreement like this. Of course it's natural to be upset. But if he's claiming to be depressed because you won't give in to what he wants, that's a red flag tbh. Unless he was already depressed I think it's more likely to be emotional manipulation than genuine depression.

If he finds the idea of you having a baby so depressing, he should have been more careful with contraception.

FellOutOfBedTwice Thu 04-Feb-16 17:08:04

If you do abort it has to be because you want an abortion. No one else's decision. So firstly you need to get it straight in your own hear what you actually want.

BlondeOnATreadmill Thu 04-Feb-16 17:23:07

In your shoes, I would most definitely keep the baby.

You know this is a miracle baby, so chances are you won't get pregnant again. And you will resent him forever, if you let him talk you in to an abortion. It will get cast up in arguments and it will be the end of you.

Whatever you choose here, the relationship could be compromised. If you keep the baby, he might leave. If you abort the baby, you may never get over it/forgive him. So either way, you might lose him. But you don't have to lose your baby as well.

I don't believe that he will want a baby in a few years. All of the emotional baggage that he currently carries, will still be there in a few years time. His existing children are adults and he's still not over it. Why would he miraculously be over it, in 2 years time? He will be getting closer to 50 as well.

telizabethm88 Thu 04-Feb-16 17:48:33

He says right now with a baby that he gives our relationship a 50/50% chance of surviving and I feel that if I terminate that I wont ever forgive him and that will end our relationship, especially if in a few years time I couldn't get pregnant again. he says that if I choose to keep the baby that he isn't calling us quits. but I know he isn't ready but not like I am either I didn't plan this. it happened and now I have to deal with it.

Offred Thu 04-Feb-16 17:56:22

I don't think this is at all about your relationship TBH.

You've been together 6 months, living together 3, you will barely know each other really.

Your decision is whether YOU want this baby or not. The relationship will either continue or it won't but given all his issues I'd say baby or not it's not likely to survive anyway.

LucySnow12 Thu 04-Feb-16 20:40:39

Personally, I think it is unfair of you to expect your BF to be happy about becoming a dad again when he never made the decision to have another child. Besides a twenty year age difference, you barely know each other.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Feb-16 21:15:37

^ ...but it's ok for him to expect her to get an abortion, when she's been told she might not be able to conceive? Is that what you're saying?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 04-Feb-16 22:21:24

I was told by my gynecologist that I wouldn't be able to get pregnanT

When were you given this erroneous information and is this the reason why you had unprotected sex with a bf of a few months' duration?

You say you lost your job due to a 'minor mistake'. Did this result in instant dismissal and, if so, are you now looking for work with another employer?

I'm asking these questions as your bf may be feeling that you set out to get pg and expect him to support you financially now you've lost your job.

How long had you been working for your former employers? If you weren't given any verbal or written warnings and have been instantly dismissed for what you say was a 'minor mistake', you may have a case for wrongful dismissal.

Marchate Thu 04-Feb-16 22:27:52

OP, are you in the US? I saw the word mom, and losing your job so suddenly is not unusual in America where employment rights are almost non-existent

PacificDogwod Thu 04-Feb-16 22:30:52

I agree, take a deep breath first of all smile

Don't be pressurised in to anything.
He is not 'depressed' - he has cold feet.
He has done the whole baby thing before, you have not.
Do whatever is right for YOU, not what he is suggesting is right for him.

telizabethm88 Fri 05-Feb-16 01:31:39

I am looking for a new job have put applications in everywhere. and yes my minor mistake did result in an instant dismissal which is against all the protocol of the place. I told him that I wouldn't put him on the bc and do it all on my own not getting a dime from him. and yes because I was told I could never have children was why we had unprotected sex.

LeaLeander Fri 05-Feb-16 02:00:22

So he thought you could not get pregnant - basically you told him no need to take precautions. That makes a big difference to me. He wasn't just being careless or cavalier, he had your assurance that medically it could not happen.

Then miraculously it did, eh?
I don't blane him for being depressed.

And I don't think I would care to bear the child of a grandfather 20 years my senior with a history of dysfunctional relationships, a mere six months after meeting him, esp when he has expressed despair at the situation. Some things just are not meant to be. What kind of a life would the resulting human being have?

telizabethm88 Fri 05-Feb-16 03:03:43

So am I to have an abortion just because it would make him happy but most likely kill me? just because its so late in his life but early in mine? I want to make him happy but shouldn't I also make sure that I'm happy?

Suddenlyseymour Fri 05-Feb-16 06:56:54

No, not at all. As other pp's have said....it's happened now, regardless of who was advised what, when or how. Your relationship may or may not survive, it may be he simply needs time and a degree of optimism that you are not going to fanny about with any of the issues he's had previously with his ex. But, the MAIN issue here is you are now carrying a baby you were told you couldn't conceive. Regardless of your bf's depression, this may be your one shot at motherhood. To terminate i think you would never forgive yourself or him for. The one certainty here is to keep this baby.

Offred Fri 05-Feb-16 09:11:28

Doctors don't tell people they can't conceive unless they have had reproductive organs removed.

It's likely you were actually told that it is very unlikely you will conceive and interpreted that as 'impossible'.

He took it at face value, he has no right to be miffed at the resulting pg TBH.

It's something neither of you were planning and something both of you have to deal with as it has already happened and can't be taken back now.

Don't make your decisions based on him. This is a short relationship. Make your decisions based on you alone and what you want from life.

PacificDogwod Fri 05-Feb-16 09:59:29

I agree with Offred, but it is irrelevant as here we are: you are pregnant.

Do NOT base whatever you decide on on him - any decision you make to please somebody else or appease them or whatever is far more likely to cause regret and upset later on.

This is YOUR decision, yours alone.

And apologies if I am misunderstanding this, but are you under the impression that a termination would 'most likely kill' you?? Terminations are not without risk (just like pregnancy and childbirth is not without risk), but are very very safe procedures when carried out by a competent person/good facilities.

telizabethm88 Fri 05-Feb-16 16:23:54

no I don't believe that an abortion would physically kill me but I do believe that it would emotionally.
The Dr.s told me that I couldn't ever get pregnant from all the surgeries and problems I had as a baby, child, and through adulthood. I had my first major surgery at 6 weeks old. And then I've had a surgery almost every year till I was 25 years old. Last year was my first full year without a surgery or a trip to the hospital.

So I've decided to keep my baby! I just hope that he will come around to be a father to his child. Now what do I do?

AnotherEmma Fri 05-Feb-16 16:27:03

If I were you I would talk to family and friends and enlist their support. Then if you tell your partner your decision and he makes things difficult, you will have people to turn to.

Good luck!

AnotherEmma Fri 05-Feb-16 16:30:26

Also, I know it's not the subject of this thread, but you could do with advice on your employment situation. I don't know the details but you may have grounds for unfair dismissal. You could talk to ACAS or CAB for advice on that.

You will soon have a baby to provide for as well as yourself, and you might not be able to rely on your partner if things go wrong. So you need to look after your finances as best you can - including getting a new job you can do until you have the baby.

pinkyredrose Fri 05-Feb-16 16:36:28

Christ you had unprotected sex and now you're pregnant, not exactly unbelievable is it, did he not use a condom with his wife either ? OP have you never heard of STIs?

Also please could you stop using terms such as 'went into depression' and such like. Depression is a serious mental illness, it is not caused by someone becoming pregnant. He may feel down or miserable but I doubt he is clinically depressed.

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