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So upset about this friend's behaviour and don't know what to do

(37 Posts)
RacoonsRock Thu 26-Nov-15 14:54:19

I've been friends with X since our daughters were at nursery together. Both girls are now 9/10 and in year 5 at school.

Over the past year or two the other girl has been unkind to my DD on lots of occasions; it is the usual low level stuff such as name calling, drawing on DDs work, glaring at DD. DD has been upset by it but I have spoken very discreetly to the teacher and luckily DD has a good core of friends so it's been ok but not nice.

I haven't mentioned it to my friend as she has a tendency to always think her DD is right and I thought it best to let the school deal with it.

About a month ago my friend started ignoring me and made it clear that she was not talking to me. On Tuesday she sent me a text saying that my DD has called her DD some names at school and it was quite an aggressive text, essentially saying that her DD is right and my DD deserves a good bollocking for it and that she wants nothing more to do with me until I've dealt with it. I replied saying I would certainly speak to DD as name calling isn't acceptable but that her DD has also said and done things to my DD and perhaps she could speak to her DD too.

She replied saying that what her DD does at school is not within her control as she's not there (and yet it's in my control??), and that my DD is in the wrong and I need to sort it out. Plus lots of other insulting stuff about me.
She is now blanking me at the school or just throwing me filthy looks. Which is crap enough as I hate tension but she has also filled in 4 mutual friends on it all and how upset she is, and two of them have tried to contact me to say how upset X is, and basically they think my DD is a nasty bullying thug!

I have been in tears today over it, I am hating the school run right now because of the looks I am getting. I spoke to my best friend about it today and she said that this woman is trying to bully me so it is no wonder her DD behaves as she does.

What do I do? Mutuals have clearly taken her side....

fuzzywuzzy Thu 26-Nov-15 15:02:59

I'd distance myself from them mutual friends and the crazy bully.

If they've got DC in he DD's class they'll soon be on the receiving end themselves.

If mutual friends call you say, it's her daughter bullying yours.

Also speak to your DD to find out what happened and ask teachers to keep the girls apart in as much as possible. Do they split the years out as they go forward? Maybe you could ask your DD be in the stream without the Bully mums DD.

OurBlanche Thu 26-Nov-15 15:21:26

Well, text those that contact you back with something like : both girls have been irritating each other for some months, so far school has been dealing with it well, it is a pity it has been escalated, but these things happen. Chances are they'll be best mates again in a month or so.

Then let them do as they will... certainly distance yourself from X, she has got too close and has forgotten to keep that little bit of common sense and distance!

RatherBeRiding Thu 26-Nov-15 15:22:31

First of all stop thinking of them as "friends" because this isn't how friends behave with one another, especially the bit about she can't control her child's behaviour in school but you are supposed to! Take her up on her invitation and have nothing further to do with her. Who needs this kind of garbage? And don't be bullied into apologising for any perceived bad behaviour on your DD's part.

Ditto for the others who have taken her side - not really friends, so write them off. As for the mucky looks on the school run - hold your head up, big cheery smile and "Morning!" and thereafter ignore them. Don't let them see they have got to you. Avoid the playground - as your DD is in Year 5 can you take her to the corner or whatever and watch her into the playground?

They are really not worth your tears. I used to hate this kind of thing about primary school - sooooo much better when they move up to secondary and you don't have the god awful school run any more.

Jan45 Thu 26-Nov-15 17:12:16

Yes ignore he and ignore the ones who have sided with her, it's all ridiculous.

Having said that, you should have spoken to her as well as the School, maybe she has got wind of that too and is annoyed that you went in her mind, behind her back.

Either way, she's no friend, and the other girl is no friend of your child either. It will blow over, can't believe adults allow small children to dictate how they behave towards their fellow adults, stupid beyond belief.

OpenDoorAsshole Thu 26-Nov-15 17:13:51

Dont respond to any of the "friends" or third parties.

And as for the one telling you to discipline your daughter - do not respond to her. Show her snarky messages to the headteacher and let the school deal with it.

Just as she ignores you during the school run, do the same. Maintain your dignity and don't stoop to the level of bucket-shit that she is.

Twitterqueen Thu 26-Nov-15 17:18:58

This kind of thing happens all the time, sometimes it's your DD's fault, sometimes it isn't. The very best thing to do is to IGNORE IT and never comment on it, other than - as others have said - something like

"there does seem to be a bit of an issue with the whole group at the moment. My DD has been at the receiving end too."

And then move on or away. I made it an absolute rule NEVER to get involved in these kinds or arguments because you never really know the truth. If it's bad, speak to the school.

spudlike1 Thu 26-Nov-15 17:55:59

Support your daughter by meeting with the teachers and explaining everything to them, ask them what support they will offer to your daughter and how they will handle this.
Ignore the mums who are rude to you .
This mum who is siding with her daughter and ignoring you is behaving like a child herself , distance your self.
like I said communicate all this to the school.

spudlike1 Thu 26-Nov-15 17:58:00

The teacher witnesses the relationship between the two girls and they are the ones best equipped to sort this out .

dodobookends Thu 26-Nov-15 18:05:40

I agree, the school need to know what is going on, and that the other mother has been contacting you and blaming your dd for bullying hers (and it has now got to the stage where you feel you are being bullied by the other mum).

RacoonsRock Thu 26-Nov-15 18:08:03

I thought it was best not to tell her and to go straight to the teacher.

What is making me angry is she is being horrible to me for doing exactly the same as she is doing, ie defending my daughter.

I give up on having 'mum' friends it is just too much hassle!

tribpot Thu 26-Nov-15 18:23:06

Well she's deluded if she can't see the lack of logic in what she's saying. She can't be held responsible for what her child says and does in school but you somehow can? That's all I'd say to any mutual 'friends' (frenemies) who try to mediate. She's not worth getting angry over because she's clearly barking. If people want to side with her, let them. They'll find out what she's like when her dd goes after one of their children.

Try to minimise time in the playground - by year 5 you should have the school run down to the nearest nano-second grin or start to encourage independence as Rather says and drop her a little further from the school gate, likewise the pick-up.

RacoonsRock Thu 26-Nov-15 18:24:21

I have a younger child to collect so can't minimise the school run at the moment unfortunately.

RacoonsRock Fri 27-Nov-15 13:17:38

Well after a series of nasty texts last night from her, calling me all names under the sun and being absolutely vile I told her to piss off and not to contact me again and to tell her daughter to stay away from mine. Fuck that!

I had another mum approach me at school drop off this morning and told me that my friend had also approached her as her daughter had apparently been mean to friend's daughter too but my ex friend told her 'not to worry as I know Racoon's daughter has told her to do it'!!

I have also emailed the school about making an appointment with the teacher for next week so I can update her on the situation.

TheWitTank Fri 27-Nov-15 13:37:31

Well done, she sounds like a right bitch! Ignore any pathetic glaring and whispering. Pick up/drop off at the last minute, stick some headphones on or talk on the phone until your DD comes out. Don't answer any further texts or calls from her, don't engage in gossip about it with other school "friends. Be polite, neutral and brief. Speak to the headteacher and class teacher and explain the issue.
This is why I have never got involved in school run coffees and gossip. I make polite chit chat about the weather etc, but basically I'm just there to pick up and drop off and that's it.

RacoonsRock Fri 27-Nov-15 13:38:23

I will be doing that in future too TheWitTank, that's for certain!

TheWitTank Fri 27-Nov-15 13:46:24

flowers Chin up, you have seen her for what she really is now! It will blow over when she realises you are not going to give her a fight or let it upset you. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't even glance in her direction. It will all be fine.

RacoonsRock Fri 27-Nov-15 13:59:37

In the past 24 hours I've started to feel over the upset stage and moved onto thinking what a complete tool she is and how dare she treat me and my daughter that way and speak about us like that.

By her own admission she has few friends. Hmm, wonder why?

tribpot Fri 27-Nov-15 15:14:43

This is definitely bullying, what a nasty, petty piece of work. Still, presumably the person whose daughter was also accused of bullying as a accomplice of your daughter realises this woman is full of shit.

I agree, headphones on, occupy yourself with the younger child, minimise time by appearing seconds before the bell, and refuse to be drawn in to any ongoing discussion about it. (I mean in the playground, it's absolutely right to update the teacher).

OpenDoorAsshole Fri 27-Nov-15 15:59:25

Keep her texts.

Show them to the school so that they know that the parent is projecting on the daughter and thus making your childs life difficult at school.

If she carries on texting you - do not reply. Call the Police and do her for harassment and threatening behaviour - she will be giving you all the evidence you need.

Do not rise to the bait any more. She totally is not worth the shit off the bottom of your shoe. Stay headstrong, speak to the school and take it forward from there.

dinkywinky Fri 27-Nov-15 22:53:29

In our latest school newsletter it says they are aware that parents are taking school issues into their own hands and approaching parents. They are referring to an overinvolved mother who blows up people's phones about her child. She's a fucking nutter and what she does is borderline harassment.
I've seen this type of thing you are going through many many times. It's all so unnecessary. Children squabble sometimes and the parents bowl in take over and escalate things when the children probably would have kissed and made up the next day.
Fuck her off and stay away from that bloody school gate. I feel for you.

RacoonsRock Mon 30-Nov-15 12:28:42

I have an appointment with the school tomorrow afternoon.

Saw ex-friend this morning and got glared at, she even went as far as pulling a face at me.

A mutual friend popped to mine at the weekend to drop something round and ended up saying again how upset ex friend is and starting to detail what ex friend has said. I just said that my DD has been on the receiving end too and that no child is ever 100% innocent in these scenarios.

I think I will end up ditching mutual friends too tbh, especially as they seem to side with her so readily.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Mon 30-Nov-15 14:09:14

Some people are nice company til their selfcentredness becomes apparent.

Bizarre to say she can't control her daughter's behaviour at school but you can and should. Laughter is the only reasonable response.

RacoonsRock Mon 30-Nov-15 14:19:55

Yes, am trying to laugh about it all and humour her. Turns out that the only bully in the equation seems to be her rather than any of the kids

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 30-Nov-15 15:30:11

She's a bully. Those "friends" are flying monkeys. Ignore.

Anyone who matters will understand. This could be brilliant for finding out who is worth being friends with.

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