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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was this assault?

53 replies

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 18:50

Didn't know where else to post, so settled on relationships. The sex topic seemed wrong.

I was at a party at a friends house last night. Her dp and I were left alone in the living room. I was dancing, he started to dance with me, then suddenly put his hand between my legs, and started vigorously rubbing my crotch. I pushed him away, then he put his arm around my waist (from behind) and did it again. I got him off me, went to find dp and told him I wanted to go home. Dp wanted to confront him last night, but he paased out within minutes of doing this.

I felt really violated at the time, but just feel confused today. Did he assault me? Told friend whose party it was today, but she didn't believe me. Then he asked to speak to me, and apologised for what he did, blamed being so drunk. Don't know what will happen between them since he admitted doing it. Not happy that she didn't believe me, but understand why.

OP posts:

Report

Lweji · 01/11/2015 18:53

Yes. and

Did he apologise in front of your friend?
Does she still not believe you?

I'd cut off both of them. And consider filing a complaint.
I suspect he'll be doing this to other women.

Busybusybust · 01/11/2015 18:54

Of course it was assault! He's a horrible man and being drunk does not excuse it! If your friend won't accept it, well she's not going to stay as a friend is she? Probably won't anyway. Really sorry this happened to you.

AnyFucker · 01/11/2015 18:55

Yes. I am sorry that happened to you.

Salemthecat · 01/11/2015 18:55

Yes, OP, it is assault. And as I'm sure you know being drunk is no excuse.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Have you thought about reporting it to the police? I'm not going to be one of those posters that insists "you must" as frankly it's up to you.

As for your friend - people don't like to believe people they know can behave like that. It upsets their world view and if they can avoid confronting it then they will.

ALaughAMinute · 01/11/2015 19:02

Yes it was assault and you have every reason to feel angry and upset. The question is what do you want to do about it? The friend might not have believed you last night but my guess is that she will probably believe you in the cold light of day. All in all it's a horrendous situation and I don't think you should see either of them ever again. Hope you're okay.

pinkyredrose · 01/11/2015 19:05

A clear cut case of sexual assault. You should consider reporting it to the police.

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 19:10

Yes he apologised in front of friend. When he put her back on phone, she changed subject. I do feel angry, but not sure about contacting the police. It would be his word vs mine. I'm okay, thanks, but keep getting sort of physical flashbacks (no idea what the word is, if there even is a word for it) like I can still feel him rubbing down there, and it makea me feel cringey. Forgot to add, I was wearing leggings, and it was over these, but they were quite cheap thin material.

OP posts:

Lweji · 01/11/2015 19:13

It would be his word vs mine.

And?

You can tell it convincingly and nobody could claim you have ulterior motives, surely.

I have recently testified at court for something that was mainly my word against his. The court believed me.

Not that you reporting it would go to that, but it would send him a clear signal and it could flag up anything else that showed up in relation to him.

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 19:15

I always thought that if anything like this happened to me I would report, but now that it has, I feel completely different.

OP posts:

Salemthecat · 01/11/2015 19:21

When I was in a similar situation wicked I felt the same. I was always so sure I would report but it isn't that easy when it's you. What I would say is that there is a level of catharsism from speaking to the police about it. It might not get to a trial or anything but it can help you take control back. It is absolutely 100% your decision though.

Flashbacks are horrible, you have my sympathies. For what it's worth, they do pass in time. It may be worth contacting your GP or RapeCrisis and seeking some support through this.

Be kind to yourself. Whatever you're feeling is normal. Try and just let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling, as horrible as it may be.

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 19:21

Think the pp who said I should cut contact with both is right. Don't think I could stay friends with her, while she's with him. We had just started to reconnect again too.

OP posts:

Supamommy10 · 01/11/2015 19:23

Definitely assault and it wasn't his first or last time sadly being drunk is no excuse he's just a nasty little pervert drunk or sober??????

goddessofsmallthings · 01/11/2015 19:40

In sexually assaulting you, your friend's dp committed a criminal offence for which you can report him to the police

Being drunk is no excuse for his behaviour, but I personally would tell him and my friend that if I were to hear of any instance in which he behaved in a similar manner to another woman I will report what he'd done to me and I wouldn't be going out of my way to stay friends with this couple.

To this end, I would be writing out an account of what occurred with the date/time and keep it until such time as I was convinced that this was a one off lapse on his part.

What is your dp advising you to do and what do you want to do about it?

I'm sorry to say that you will inevitably re-live this incident for a while as you've been violated and recalling the feel of him touching you will be disconcerting.

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 20:00

I just went on facebook to unfollow her, so there's no mention of them on my news feed, and had a look to see if anything had been mentioned. They (and other guests) were chatting away as if nothing happened. There was a snide comment that could have been about me, but not sure. Wondering now if he has apologised, then said he only did to keep the peace/it didn't really happen. Or if he has minimised it. The thought of not being believed (other guests were told what had happened) is awful. That they think I'm lying about what happened

OP posts:

wondersofyourbody · 01/11/2015 20:14

So sorry this happened. It was assault. The flashbacks should go within a month, if they don't think about talking to your GP (hopefully they will though).

As for anybody not believing you, if that's the case, it's a reflection on them and not you. It's certainly not ok, as an explanation, it's a sign of people not wanting to confront the idea that someone they know could be someone who commits sexual
assault. It's easier for them to not believe it because then they can carry on as though nothing happened. It doesn't mean it didn't happen and it doesn't mean you're lying, it means they're enabling cowards. Even though it must feel like an awful betrayal, please don't accept their crap and feel worse: what happened was sexual assault and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

goddessofsmallthings · 01/11/2015 20:18

It's highly unlikely anything of this nature would be mentioned on social media to the extent where he's admitted it and of course it's in his interests to minimise what he did to you.

It's not uncommon for victims to be disbelieved, but what it does it matter what others think when you know the truth of what took place?

Baconyum · 01/11/2015 20:25

So sorry this happened to you. Yes assault, sexual assault. You could report but that's got to be your decision. I imagine your dh is livid too. Definitely cut contact. Wondering if letter from a solicitor pointing out it would not be a good idea for them to deny/minimise to others given he knows exactly what he did! And no drunkenness is NOT an excuse!

wickedlazy · 01/11/2015 20:43

Dp is livid, but more concerned about making sure I'm feeling okay.

OP posts:

Baconyum · 01/11/2015 21:16

He sounds a good person. I meant to add this link

rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault

Flashbacks are not uncommon I'm afraid. A visit to the gp would be a good idea and would mean you had support from someone other than your dp too which might mean he'll be a little less worried about you.

pinkyredrose · 01/11/2015 21:26

Is there any way you or your DP could get him to admit what happened or apologise again in a phone call but record it this time? Or in a text or email? Then you'll have concrete proof to show the police.

GinAndSonic · 01/11/2015 21:28

Rape crisis have a good information booklet about flashbacks thatbshould be available on their website, I found it very helpful and it has a bit for partners about flashbacks too that my (now ex) found helpful as I would have flashbacks during sex.
You can report this to the police, and they would take it seriously, but that choice is yours. Write it down, in case you decide to report in the coming weeks.

Supamommy10 · 01/11/2015 23:04

It's so sad how women are being violated on a daily. Basis my heart goes out to you is there anyone you can talk to you it may not seem like much now but later on as someone else posted about flashbacks you may start to feel guilt and shame and embarrassed so bunny its sad but true so many of us have been in the position where you have been and you're gonna need someone one to talk to even for a shoulder to cry on.??.And remember you did nothing wrong!!!!!

timelytess · 02/11/2015 09:36

Do report it.
Let's say you do, and there's no further action. The police will still have been made aware of him and his behaviour.
Next time he's drunk he might go further and rape someone. If you've already made the police aware of him, it would support his next victim's case, surely?
There almost certainly will be more - he thinks he can do what he likes.

GinAndSonic · 02/11/2015 10:50

Timely the OP is not responsible for what he may do in the future or for providing evidence of his behaviour to the police in case he reoffends. This idea of "you must report to protect other women" is really damaging to victims and survivors of sexual assault and rape, who already carry the trauma of their assault as well as the guilt, stigma and fear of not being believed that society hands over to us. We don't need the responsibility of feeling we may be responsible for other women being attacked as well.

timelytess · 02/11/2015 11:10

Gin
No she isn't. But each of us has a responsibility to the wider community. By not reporting we support the offender. It isn't on.

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