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What have I done?

(45 Posts)
loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 12:10:00

I think I've lost a friendship and I'm gutted.
A dear friend I've known for years, appears to not want to be friends any more. Moved away and until a few years ago, I used to go and visit her and her child. This has stopped because she's made endless excuses saying she's busy. I've even asked her twice in the space of a year if everything is OK and if I've done anything wrong and she says I haven't. She's totally ignored a message from two weeks ago.
I'm really upset at the lack of communication and the fact she is making excuses and if I have done something wrong the lack of decency to tell me.
I just know I've done something, nothing major. But why can't she say? Was thinking of telling her how hurt I am but she'll probably just ignore it or say again I've done nothing. She used to acknowledge all my texts, fb photos everything but in the last two years-nothing.
We were really close.
I can't just accept it and move on.

JawannaDrink Sat 29-Aug-15 12:19:23

Its normal for friendships to fade out over time. She moved away, you don't see each other, you probably have very little in common anymore. I doubt its anything you've done, you need to stop obsessing about it.
Friendships aren't set in stone, they don't usually last for ever when circumstances change.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 12:22:37

Thanks. I moved away. You say I need to stop obsessing over it? It's hard, you don't just stop being friends with someone when you're close. When I moved we saw eachother and we got on very well, no issues, the circumstances weren't an issue.

JawannaDrink Sat 29-Aug-15 12:27:02

Apparently your friend disagrees with you. So ask outright if you prefer, up to you.

ThisIsFolkGirl Sat 29-Aug-15 12:30:54

You moved away, her life has continued unchanged with the exception that you left it.

It's easy to make the effort to maintain contact initially, but life moves on.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 12:31:15

I have asked her outright-twice!

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 12:33:15

I have always been happy to maintain contact thisisfolkgirl. I was happy to do all the travelling to see her as she wasn't confident coming to me.

JawannaDrink Sat 29-Aug-15 12:41:10

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. You used to be close, now you aren't. She has let you know this by gradually phasing you out of her life, and for two years has not visited and has put you off. For TWO years she has no commented on your fb etc. Now she has finally just complete my ignored messages.
Frankly, telling her how hurt you are and how she lacks decency at this point would be really odd. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's been clear, you need to leave her alone.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 12:44:13

I never said I was going to tell her she lacks decency jawanna. I said I was upset by the lack of decency to tell me I've done something.

JawannaDrink Sat 29-Aug-15 13:10:02

She has told you repeatedly you haven't, so how can you be upset by that?

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 13:33:32

I see your point. Just find it hard. I wouldn't block someone out of my life if they hadn't done something wrong. Several times she hadn't even asked how my kids were when I've messaged her.
Well these replies show that I need to move on. Just needed opinions and thanks.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 29-Aug-15 13:37:58

It's hurtful when this happens but she's most probably so caught up in her life in another country that she simply doesn't have time for old friends here.

Keep her on your Christmas card list, acknowledge her birthday, but don't email her in between. If she wants/needs you for anything, she'll be in touch.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 13:44:41

goddess thanks. She's not in another country, just three quarters of an hour away! She never wished me a happy birthday either, I was so shocked.

ThisIsFolkGirl Sat 29-Aug-15 13:52:45

I mean the emotional effort as much as the logistical efforts.

She probably has new friends now and doesn't feel the need to maintain the friendship with you.

Unfortunately, that's just life at times. People move on.

You've asked her what's going on, sge doesn't want to tell you. I think you just have to accept it's over.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:17:07

Yeah I do.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 29-Aug-15 14:25:22

Apologies for getting it wrong.

Less than an hour away? Effectively you're only up the road from each other, in which case you must assume her lack of response to your emails is a calculated snub on her part.

As she hasn't acknowledged your birthday don't acknowledge hers, but keep her on your Christmas list and erase her name if you don't get a card from her this year.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:30:55

It's OK. calculated snub on her part do you mean it sounds like she's intentionally ignoring me?
I acknowledged hers then she didn't acknowledge mine.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:31:55

We don't do Christmas cards anyway.

Joysmum Sat 29-Aug-15 14:38:47

These things happen, I've found that as time has gone on the people I've fallen out of regular friendship with have come back into my life again.

I think the key question with this is, how would they react if you needed them? If it's a growing apart then they'll still be there for you if you need them, if they haven't got your back, no matter how much time has passed, then I'd not let them back in again at a later date.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:43:24

I don't feel as though I could contact her now joysmum if I needed to but if I did, I really do not know if she'd respond, I really don't.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:46:36

A relative of hers said she was the same with him and not to take it personally.

BoskyCat Sat 29-Aug-15 14:54:48

I think she doesn't want to be friends any more, for whatever reason, and she doesn't want to come out and be rude to you so she's trying to just edge you out and make excuses in the hope you'll get the message.

That really hurts and I understand why you're upset. But, it is also her choice if she doesn't want to see you and you do have to get over it and move on.

The trouble is it is very rude to say "I just don't want to see you any more". Many people would probably rather an ex-friend didn't say that, but tried to let things just fade out as this friend has and let them save face. I'm more like you, I'd rather someone just said what I had done to upset them. But I think most people aren't really.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 29-Aug-15 14:58:18

Thanks boskycat.
I honestly can't thing of ANYTHING whatsoever that I've done. So it makes it harder but it helps to chat to you, so thanks.

BoskyCat Sat 29-Aug-15 15:14:24

You might not have done an actual thing. It could just be that you've drifted apart (from her POV), she disagrees with you about something but doesn't want to say, etc. It might not be that anyone is at fault.

JawannaDrink Sat 29-Aug-15 15:18:57

I think the problem here is you feel as if she has done something to you. When really its just a perfectly normal tale of a friendship that used to be mutually beneficial and now has gradually faded out of use. You're hung up on the fact that it must be personal and you must have done something, but honestly (and I'm not trying to be mean), thats a little self-absorbed.
This is what happens every day, its a totally normal life event. Friendships don't usually last forever. She's just not that into you anymore, and she has let you down gently.

Treat is a learning experience. You can't hold onto people when they have let you go.

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