The OW has been to my house-complicated

[Beachday]

I'm so mad
My abusive, lying husband died and I have just found some stuff on his phone.
She was here
I was just getting past all this and now found this out.

[howtorebuild]

Once a heartless narcissistic bitch, always a heartless bitch.



Take time to do nice things for you.

[howtorebuild]

Open, that is why I would ditch anybody who is an ow. The pit on an act, underneath they are cruel narcissistic people who only care about their welfare.

Can you speak to a solicitor and ask she leave you alone or you will contact the Police over harrassment?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Are you saying that during his lifetime your late spouse invited or took the ow to your house without your knowledge and that you found out when looking through messages on his phone?

[ImperialBlether]

That is horrific. How long ago did your husband die? When was she in your house?

[fairyfeatures]

I read this as though, OP has found out her late husband was cheating and the phone shows messages that he took OW to their house while they were having an affair? Am I right?

[ImperialBlether]

That's what it sounds like to me, fairy. Awful.

[Beachday]

Yes
He died 6 months ago
I found messages and photos on his phone.
Also vile messages with colleagues about prostitutes
Who was this person that I married?

[fairyfeatures]

Well that is absolutely shit beachday and I am only sorry that you didn't have the opportunity to kick him in the balls and tell him what a prick he was!

I hope that you find peace knowing that you can find happiness again and will not be unfortunate enough to encounter somebody atrocious like him again!

Be kind to yourself, buy yourself lots of fresh flowers, and drink plenty of good wine

[Beachday]

Thank you
I do need to find some peace
And stop trying to figure out what went wrong.
I tried for the last 5 years to figure him out and make it work.

[fairyfeatures]

Peace will bring you happiness also! And when you do find it, you will realise that you do not need to know what went wrong. He did, and now he is gone. Good luck to you

[Smilingforth]

I'm so sorry - time will eventually make things better; one day at a time

[Smilingforth]

And and

[Beachday]

Wide awake at 3am
I need to get over this

[Beachday]

You're right Candace

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Candace is absolutely right. My ex lied non-stop about how things had started with the OW, how things carried on with the OW, whether or not the OW came to our house before I left it and she moved in (of course she did!) - the man wouldn't have know the truth if it bit him in the arse by the end.

I would say I'm sorry your H died, but really only because you can't get the opportunity to rant at him and tell him what a despicable lying toad he was. :(

for you - and whatever else you're thinking, do NOT contact the OW.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Were you aware that he had an ow or has this, together with his 'conversations' about prostitutes, come as an unwelcome shock to you?

Either way, trying to figure out what went wrong will blight your life and you're best advised to simply accept that he was deeply flawed as so many men of his ilk are.

I echo Thumb''s thoughts but, as you can't kick his lying arse to hell and back, all you can do let your angst rest with him.

[Smilingforth]

Beach day - it will take time. Have you got a friend you can confide in or perhaps see your GP

[Beachday]

Over the years, I always knew he was up to something, but I never had any proof.
I had asked for a divorce a year before his death, but he wouldn't move out.
He denied there was anything with this woman- she was just a friend.

There's also messages from his friends who obviously knew about her, and others over the years. Don't know how I'm going to look at them.
People who have been amazingly supportive since his death. Obviously amazingly hypocritical.

I feel like no-one I knew was telling the truth

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Gosh, that's rough - all those people being two-faced to you! :(

But look at it another way - yes they were dishonest for not telling you what they knew, but perhaps they didn't think it was their place to tell you (often an issue brought up here "I know my friend's H is cheating, should I tell her?" and the answer is usually evenly split between "yes" and "no" because quite often the messenger is "shot" for bringing the unwelcome news).
If they were decent people though, they would have felt sorry for you, being married to an unfaithful arsehole - and now they have a chance to make up for their dishonesty and cowardice beforehand.

Or they could just be hypocrites, as you said.

However, this does give you a bit of an opportunity - you can't rant at your dead H, but you can talk to some of these fence-sitter friends and tell them how hurt you are at their betrayal, give them a chance to explain (and if you don't like their explanation, bin 'em off) - you can take out some of your frustrations on them. True friends will understand and let you do this; hypocrites will run.

Have you considered/had any counselling? I think it might be beneficial to you, not for the grief as such, but to help you with the inevitable trust issues you're going to be dealing with after all this.

[Beachday]

It's his friends. Think they somehow revered him for being able to get away with it. Pat on the back for screwing so many women.

I have found a good counsellor.
It's hard to discuss him in real life with friends. no-one wants to talk ill of the dead.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh in that case, bin 'em all off. How stupid!

Indeed - it's such a taboo, isn't it - but go for your life on here, we don't mind. And I'm glad you have a good counsellor, that will help immeasurably, I think; because they will listen and let you talk out your issues until you've worked through all the pain and anger that you feel.

[AcrossthePond55]

How unbelievably shitty!

As hard as it is, try to view this as a 'fresh start'. Since you said you'd asked for a divorce a year ago, as hard as it is to accept his lies and your unanswered questions, you must have been ready to live without him.

Ditch all these so-called 'friends'. As you say they were 'his' friends, I assume they aren't people you can't live without!

It's very hard to finally find peace with unanswered questions. As far as people not wanting to 'speak ill of the dead', I'm sure they may be more willing once they realize that you are (understandably) angry and bitter. But it just may be that they realize that nothing they have to say about him will make you feel better, and may very well make it worse. They also may be afraid to let you know exactly how much they knew, and to listen/talk to you will inevitably lead to questions they don't want to answer. Cowardly of them, but there you go. Work with your counselor. And find new friends. People that didn't know him may be more willing to listen and let you 'vent'.

[amarmai]

you could write an obituary and/or put a pithy line or two on his tombstone.

[lunar1]

That sounds horrible. Has the ow disappeared back into the woodwork or is she still lurking around?