Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is my dh being a bit.... Well... Mean?

(82 Posts)
Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:01:11

Dh and I have been married for a little over a year, I love him dearly and we have two dc.

So this year a few things have happened and I've been a bit emotional over them, firstly he forgot our wedding anniversary, now I wouldn't of minded but it was our first so I kind of expected him to remember but that's fine. I laughed it off and carried on.

Then a few weeks ago dh came home from work a bit earlier than usual and obviously I was very happy, we bathed the kids, got them to bed and then I got in my pjs and snuggled in bed and assumed he was coming to bed too (we sometimes go to bed early 8pmish and have a cuddle, talk about our day catch up on news in bed) but he came in and said "I have something to tell you" and it turned out he had Rranged to go out with his work colleague at our neighboring city and he might not be back until late.

I was upset but didn't say anything as he had left, if I had know sooner I would of asked my parents to watch the kids but he told me at 8pm I couldn't get a sitter. I did ask if anyone else's wives and husbands were going and he said yes but since I was ready for bed he didn't think I'd want to go. He went and I read a book in bed but I was upset and did have a cry to myself.

I explained the next day that I was a upset he hadn't invited me and he said because I don't drink that I wouldn't of had fun, but I eat I enjoy the company of his colleague especially a Spanish woman who I get along with like a house on fire.

He said sorry and we didn't mention it again but then a few days ago he told me he was going away for a few days with his friends and going to a party. Now I can get a sitter for these days. He is going to a conference for a hobby he loves and whilst I don't want to go to the convention I would love the few days to unwind, read some books, go for coffee all alone and have some real me time.

Although I don't drink I would of liked to be invited to the party but I wasn't invited so that's fine. I was however upset he was against the idea of me coming along because he said he wouldn't have fun with his friends because he would be worried about me being all alone and therefore I couldn't have fun hmm.

After everything I said I'd be fine and would like the time away and I'm coming since I paid for the hotel with him.

Aibu? A bit precious?

I try my hardest to be diplomatic and I don't begrudge him going out with his friends etc but I want time away too and there's no reason I can't go and stay in the hotel with my husband. He can do his thing I'll do mine.

Findtheoldme Mon 03-Aug-15 20:03:50

Seems he doesn't want to be with you sad.

Saying he has something to tell you sounds over dramatic when just saying he was going out.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 03-Aug-15 20:07:52

Yanbu, I woudnt like what he's doing at all. He's leaving you out, which yes, is very mean.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 03-Aug-15 20:08:12

Hmm. He wasn't worried about you being 'all on your own' when he pushed off out for the evening with no warning, was he?! How are things generally - do you feel in touch with him, or has he withdrawn and these are just examples?
It's good that you're going as an 'accompanying spouse' on this event - will there be others there, do you know? Will you be able to joint the 'hobbyists' at dinner?

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:09:16

I thought that too, it actually made my heart go. When our youngest was 6 months he told me one morning that he didn't love me anymore but only as a friend. He left me the next day moving into a house share. I was devastated but we stayed friends, 5 days later he told me he did love me and he made a mistake. I didn't start a relationship with him again until a year later and he moved back in, it was all very traumatic.

Thing is we have our own hobbies and friends but we get on so well and I know he loves me so there is no OW.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:10:28

walk no I won't be joking the hobby friends because apparently they will be going to the party and the other two nights they want to have fun, drinking and clubbing which I don't like so I haven't been invited :/

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:11:43

The OW comment came out wrong. I know he loves me and I know there is no OW.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 03-Aug-15 20:13:43

Wouldn't you be better off going on a minibreak of your own choosing then, when he can look after DCs and you do something you want to do? Or is this really about you wanting to keep an eye on him after the events you just described?

RealityCheque Mon 03-Aug-15 20:15:36

I wouldn't be so sure there is no OW. It's a distinct possibility.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:19:42

walk we don't have a Lot of money and the hotel cost a bit so it's not that I want to keep an eye because I don't think he needs a chaperone but it's more the fact we can't afford me to go on a mini break.

Plus this particular city has a lot to do and the hotel is slap bang in the middle, I can go for a swim in the hotel, read a few books, go for lunch, have a massage, write some more of my book, do some crochet, go for coffee all on my own without anyone to consider as dh would be doing his own thing and dc will be with my parents.

It's a no brainier, I wouldn't be stepping on his toes at all, he got his party on the sat night so I'll be probably having room service, reading and then laying in which I don't ever get to do.

It sound bliss eh!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Aug-15 20:20:55

How do you know that he loves you?. His actions towards you are not loving ones, they seem to be all about him and getting his own wants met. If this is the state of your marriage after only a year then there are serious problems within it.

re your comment:-
"When our youngest was 6 months he told me one morning that he didn't love me anymore but only as a friend. He left me the next day moving into a house share. I was devastated but we stayed friends, 5 days later he told me he did love me and he made a mistake. I didn't start a relationship with him again until a year later and he moved back in, it was all very traumatic".

Did you get married soon after?.

wannaBe Mon 03-Aug-15 20:21:21

He told you that he's going away for a few days? hmm now, I think that telling a partner you're going out for the evening is fine, it's only an evening after all. but I would expect a few days away to be discussed not just announced, esp with the confirmation that you're not invited.

Tbh op even without the back history I would put money on there being an ow.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:21:27

His convention is 11am to 6pm so I'll have plenty of time to myself, it's going to be great.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Aug-15 20:22:20

you sound very, very naive sad

wannaBe Mon 03-Aug-15 20:24:02

I would tell him that you've arranged for the kids to be looked after and you're going with him. I wouldn't leave it open to negotiation.

The reason why you're not invited IMO is because he doesn't want you there, because he's not going to be doing what he says he is, and he's almost certainly not going alone.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:24:28

Yes we got married about 5 months after he moved back in. I know he loves me, he is my half cousin and so I've known him all my life, we make love, he tells me he loves me all the time and vice versa, we talk, we hardly argue it just seems these things have been happening recently.

He doesn't need my permission to go away and do something for his hobby, he did give notice, it's not till sept so it's ages away tbh. Not that I would ever say no.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:25:48

anyfucker oh god, your the relationships guru. Do you really think that? I always agree with your advice on MN. sad

cheapskatemum Mon 03-Aug-15 20:25:51

I was kind of ok with all this till I got to the bit where he wants to go drinking and clubbing without you. Perhaps it's me, but I just can't get my head around this. Isn't clubbing just an excuse to pull?

BolshierAyraStark Mon 03-Aug-15 20:26:18

His actions are not those of someone who loves you, I'm sorry.

wannaBe Mon 03-Aug-15 20:27:34

Op, was he telling you he loved you all the time before he walked out unexpectedly?

AnyFucker Mon 03-Aug-15 20:28:45

"Not that I would ever say no"

What never ? hmm

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:29:13

cheap he definitely isn't going to try and pull, I actually snorted at that thought. I don't see him doing that, he's 31 and slept with 3 people inc me. He isn't that outgoing when it comes to women.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Aug-15 20:29:44

I am no guru, but I can recognise bullshit when I see it (his)

Offred Mon 03-Aug-15 20:29:55

Argh... I have a BF and and XH who are like this....

It comes down to him not respecting your time as equal to his and he's probably thrusting the decisions on you because he doesn't want to communicate his feelings properly like an adult either because he is avoidant or insecure in some way.

I am more than happy spending time alone, I don't have to see or talk to BF every day, we often go 5 days without so much as a text (don't live together), when I was in USA we went weeks without any communication at all, but he will frequently message me at 6.30pm when he has previously arranged earlier in the week to see me at 7pm saying he now has other plans and as a consequence (single mum) this means I sit alone all night just seething with rage at him.

My xh used to passive aggressively avoid communicating about things like this because he is a poor communicator and didn't want to deal with any possible negotiation or compromise that possibly could happen if he spoke about things (not that that would often have happened anyway). This lead to some crazy things like him not coming home from work one Friday when I was PG with twins and had two preschool DC because he had gone to a stag weekend that he ttied to convince me I had been told about.

With BF I think he has ADHD traits and so when we are together he is extremely intense and feels eager to see me again ASAP then 'forgets' I exist until he realises he is about to let me down again and he panics.

With XH it was simply that he is a bad communicator plus horribly insecure, and he grew up being actively taught that women hate men and don't want to hear anything they have to say and that you have to protect yourself from them and if necessary trick them into things so you can get what you want.

I can much more easily tolerate BF than XH because no matter how much I tried to relate to XH and get him to trust I loved him and didn't want him to be afraid to talk to me he still stuck with the EA behaviours he trusts whereas with BF I am pretty convinced he has a disorder that makes him like this and he has put in a hug amount of effort to changing it but struggles.

Does either of those seem familiar?

Being treated like this no matter the reason is pretty rubbish and makes me feel like I'm a mother rather than a partner but what makes the difference is whether your partner recognises the effects of these behaviours on you and wants to change them or not.

Esmeismyhero Mon 03-Aug-15 20:30:19

I'd say no if he was buggering off abroad or if the kids were sick but he's going to a convention which I know he is because he booked the tickets and they came in the post.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now