mother threatening to tell OH 'what you are really like'?

[bettyberry]

Has anyone's mother ever threatened to 'reveal' things you apparently did as a child?

you see, I left home at 15/16 after nearly a decade of physical and emotional abuse from step dad where my mother let it happen. I was the only sibling to receive this kind of abuse and yes, she let it happen because there were countless times she could and should have done something. Even make me live with grandparents and she didn't. Anyway, Rape was threatened by step dad and that was the final straw for me(it was reported and dealt with terribly. I was accused of lying), not my mother however she had another kid with him! I left and cut contact until she did the right thing and divorced him.

Got back in contact a few years ago and now with my new partner my Mother, who I have been brutally honest with about growing up and how fucking awful it was, plans to tell my partner 'the truth'. Anyway, she is making threats to reveal things that happened when I was a child. Stealing for example. I stole food because I was hungry. OH knows this. Mother spent money on step-dads booze and cigs rather on much needed food. Along with countless other things I did. OH knows, understands and gets that at 16 I was still a child. As he put it 'I was still discovering my penis at that age'

so, my question isn't is this normal. I know its not. I know she is just as abusive and manipulative as my step dad and I am making every plan to cut contact with her ASAP.

But... has anyone else's parent in this situation threatened to tell a new partner 'what you are really like'?

Just trying to get my head around whether this is 'normal' of this type of self serving, selfish parent. I'm wondering if part of it is jealousy. I have a pretty damn good fella with his priorities right, financially stable, spoils me rotten but in the right ways (got to love a guy who buys you your own mini zombie hoard for your office) and gets on wonderfully with DC.

[MythicalKings]

It's not normal at all. She's toxic.

[Verypissedoffwife]

It's not normal no. I think the only people who have had this happen to them will be the children of abusive parents. Why don't you cut them out of your life? They're not exactly enriching it are they?

[bettyberry]

very I intend to. Life is complicated here atm (redundancy, plans to move on hold) I live in a small place. Hard to avoid them without moving.

[Dynomite]

Not normal at all. She sounds terrible. Cut her out, you were better off without her.

[Bibitybobity]

That's not normal, no. Your mother is extending the power she had over you as a child into adulthood. If you want to keep a relationship with her (but why?) then perhaps with your partner with you (who you say already knows everything) challenger her to go ahead and tell him. It will make her look an arse. If I were you I'd walk away. You don't need toxic relationships in your life, no one does

[Vatersay]

Not normal at all.

[BertPuttocks]

It's jealousy and a need to keep you 'in your place'. She's lost her control over you and wants it back.

The next step (if she hasn't already done so) will be to badmouth your OH to anyone who will listen.

You may be surprised though by how many people there are out there who will already know exactly what kind of person she is.

[bettyberry]

bibity planning on it. She is getting like it with DC denying the special needs he has (poss on ASD spectrum) I am trying as much as poss to keep them apart. He already thinks his nana is mean.

bert thanks. Confirming it for me has helped. I question myself a lot (anxiety due to past ) I suspect she already is although I haven't heard anything from anyone else.

she did suggest a pretty serious illness he had was 'him with another family' he was late down for an event dosed up on antibiotics and pain meds. He shouldn't even have driven that day.

[Angleshades]

Maybe it is a mixture of jealousy and some deep hidden guilt that she cannot rid herself of. So by telling your dp about the "real you" she reinforces this image she portrays of you and thereby justifies her behaviour to herself.

She sounds totally vile and you need to get away from her before she can inflict anymore damage on you. You had a horrendous childhood. You deserve a happy adult life but while she's around she'll never let you have that. Cut the poison out of your life and go live your life happily and the way you need to.

[Verypissedoffwife]

That sounds terrible betty. Still, I would try and avoid the potential for any of these type of conversations with her. If you see her around, I'd just cross over the road. I wouldn't be worrying about it looking petty or anything. She's done enough damage to you already. Protect yourself

[AcrossthePond55]

She sounds like a grade A bitch. I'd say what she's threatening is 'normal' for that type of person.

My BFF's mother was that way and gloated in telling tales of BFF's teen years.

Since you're dealing with a redundancy, would this be a good time to start looking for a new job somewhere away from her?

[WicksEnd]

Id be tempted to tell her 'Bring it on!'
Then let DH give her what for 'yes she stole because you blew all the money on fags and booze' etc etc

Then tell her you never ever want her to darken your door again.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Horrible and toxic and not normal.

I would tell her calmly that your partner knows everything about your childhood, wonders why you are still in contact and nothing she can say will influence him because, unlike her, he supports and loves you.

Then move on. Why bother with her?

[bettyberry]

AcrossthePond55 Already am! Half way across the country. Plans for a new house the lot. In rented right now but it's social housing and secure. I'd be daft to give it up yet with OHs work issue. Haven't done the moving In together bit yet. My job is hit and miss self employed so I can move it with me.

Wicks - I am so very tempted. It would be as satisfying as the time I broke my step dads nose. Violence is not the answer I know but I was very proud of my one last 'tantrum' as mother put it.

[Hughfearnley]

Cut contact now ASAP. Then you don't have to worry about it.
It sounds like terrible behaviour on her part motivated by her guilt and her trying to justify the past. You do not need to engage. It must be really hard and I have every sympathy.

[bettyberry]

canyou- it's been hard. Big family. Expectations. Lots of issues. A years worth of Jeremy Kyle episodes and then some drama.

I am as far away as I can get but there's nothing to stop her showing up unannounced. It is simple for me but it would mean cutting an awful lot of ties.

[Damnautocorrect]

No it's really not normal.
What an awful woman

I do think the odd 'do you remember when you stumbled in drunk and threw up all down the stairs, it stank for weeks'
Type story is perfectly normal.
But not 'telling them what your really like' that's just horrid
For starters the person you were is not the person you are.
She wants you back in your box, you got free she's trying to catch you again.
Keep your kids away and move. No good will come of contact with her

[paddlenorapaddle]

Sounds like an awful woman and she still after all these years she still doesn't really have your best interests at heart

Distance is your best bet and the next time she says something like this call your OH into the room and say mum has something she wants to tell you call her bluff like all bullies its the threat to try and keep you "controlled"

[Anniegetyourgun]

Gosh, your OH sounds amazing. When I was your age I had to buy my own zombies

Yes, perfectly decent parents do sometimes tell embarrassing stories about their adult DC (not that I've ever, ahem, maybe a little), but this is in a different league, it's deliberately trying to louse up a good relationship for you, or at the very least make you feel insecure and inadequate. Fortunately you've taken the wind out of her sails by already telling your OH the truth. He knows "what you're really like" and loves you for it. So two fingers up to toxic mum, and if moving away ever becomes an option make sure she doesn't see you for dust.

[NickiFury]

My Mum read my diary when I was sixteen and then hid it and kept it. She told me that she would bring it out on a unspecified day but it would be an important one to me e.g wedding day and read from it so everyone would know what I was really like. It was just typical teenage stuff, nothing sinister and needless to say not very complimentary about her. I suppose that's similar to your situation OP. She held that over me for a good couple of years until I found the diary and got rid of it. Loads of memories destroyed because I was so scared she would do what she said . She's not so bad now but that's only after she's of me being hugely assertive and confronting every tiny little nasty thing she does and going NC when necessary.

[queenoftheknight]

The thing is, these people, and my mother is one of them, don't understand that MOST people think that they are at best, weird, and at worst very, very toxic.

Discovering that, and years of no contact, have helped me enormously. I can't count the number of people who find my mother's behaviour incomprehensibly awful.

[bettyberry]

I Never so much as dared to drink growing up. It was a stark contrast between a sibling who was caught with friends breaking into a building in possession of drink (underage) and drugs. They got a well done! I would have been beaten/grounded the lot.

I wish I did have the embarrassing teen stories but because I moved out at 15/16 I don't have any. I was (obviously) withdrawn and bullied a fair bit at school. Few friends and I daren't have them visit.

Anniegetyourgun - he is awsome but I am biased.


I'm starting to wonder if my mother is still in love with him (divorced 10 years) and that's why she's pretending half of it never happened. If I accept it allows her to keep her rose tinted view of her frankly awful and horrendous marriage.

anyway. I fully intend to cut all ties. I am less anxious, stressed etc when I haven't spoken to her for months. Its fab but for some reason or another she gets back in touch. Doesn't help my grandparents gave me grief for years for 'not making an effort' to reengage. It will happen again if I cut ties. I am prepared for that and as cruel/heartless as this sounds my grandparents are elderly and in ill health so the grief wouldn't be for a decade like it was previously. The mess the entire family (relatives too) is in for them it would release the huge burden they carry when they pass. It will be sad, don't get me wrong, but I would no longer feel duty bound to keep it together. That's partly why I cannot wait to move.

i guess I just need to really vent and get the entire situation straight in my own mind. Therapy never helped when dealing with this, I've tried loads.

[LurkingHusband]

No advice, but an observation that I suspect the only safety from toxic parents, is complete honesty between partners.

Watch out for any chats between your DM and OH where she warns him "don't tell bettyberry this", or where she insists "don't tell OH this".

[LitreOfTea]

wicked behaviour on her part!

when she talks about "what you were like" (back then) trying to shame you, that makes no sense, as you were the victim of abuse and neglect. How is that YOUR shame. It is not. She sounds crazy.

[bettyberry]

NickiFury - I once kept a diary too. Parents found it and I was verbally abused for hours because it was 'full of lies'. I had written my step dad was probably having an affair because he keeps asking for his best pants. I was a pretty observant 12 year old! Turned out he had and mother still hasn't forgiven me because I discovered the first affair and then the final one. I'm sure there were more in between. That's part of the reason we moved so much too he had an affair mother moved us.(10 different schools. Its surprising I made it to uni and got good a-levels!