Abusive ex is happy... bothering me

[MagentaVitus]

Hi all.

I don't really know what I'm expecting to gain from this thread. I know it is irrational, and I know that I'll be told that I should have done what I did. I know that. I suppose I'm asking if what I did and my feelings are normal?

I had a relationship for a year when I was 19. I loved him with every fibre of my being. I loved him so intensely, I thought he was the one. He was gorgeous - a big, masculine hairy chested rugby player who was just as mad about me and I was him.

Great you'd think - but it wasn't. He was emotionally and physically abusive. I had been manipulated into thinking I was his property. If I did something he didn't like, he'd hurt me. I wore a dress he didn't approve of, and he stopped talking to me for a week, and had be beg forgiveness. I didn't give him enough attention on a night out, and he threw a table at me.

12 months in, and I was on antidepressants and hating every day, but loving him just as passionately. I felt I had no purpose in life, and that I was rightfully his property. Then I snapped. I had sex with someone else when blind drunk. Next morning, I didn't beg forgiveness. I phoned him and told him what I'd done. We never spoke again.

It was an overwhelming sense of relief. I got better. Was single for 5 years, and met my wonderful DH. Life has been glorious for us. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Up until last night, I hadn't thought about abusive ex in over 10 years.

Last night - DH is visiting his family abroad. His mum has just died. The death has been a strain on our relationship. He has taken it horribly - understandably. I have been supportive. But I miss happy DH. Selfish, I know.

Whilst he's been away (3 weeks now, I was out for the funeral too, but I came back to work) I have been filling my time with friends and family. All very well. 21 year old cousin came over, having just been dumped. She was asking for my advice on how to be okay again, how long does it take to get over someone etc. Had a nice evening, had some wine, went to bed reasonably early.

This morning, in light of the conversation with my niece, I Facebook stalked abusive ex. He's married, kids, gorgeous wife, who looks like me. And it has hit me like a tonne of bricks. Today I have felt all the feelings i felt when trapped in that abusive relationship. Obviously I don't want to be with the ex - we haven't spoken in 10 years, he's a complete stranger! But I'm concerned at the reaction I had to finding out this news.

Is it ok to still be this effected 10 years later? I worked so hard to get better and happy and free, and I'm worried I've fucked myself up.

[MagentaVitus]

Sorry, 21 year old is my cousin, not my niece (she's 17). I'm all over the place, sorry.

[MagentaVitus]

Sorry, really am. I've just been alone a lot recently and this is bothering me. Want to talk really.

[Heyho111]

It's a trigger and that's normal. That is the terrible effect he had on you that the triggers are still there hidden in your unconscious memory. It's ok to feel like that. These feelings will go away. Avoid looking him up. The picture may look happy but it won't show the abuse he may be putting his wife through. Roll on H coming home. It's fine.

[MajesticWhine]

What kind of thinking was your reaction based on? Was it, how dare he be happy he is an abusive arsehole. Was it where did I go wrong that could have been me? Not sure I understand. But it was awful what you went through and the feelings were very strong at the time, so maybe that explains your reaction. Don't dwell on it or over analyse it. All thoughts of him are a waste of effort I expect.

[aroundandaroundagain]

Im sorry you feel like this. It was a shock as you probably wasn't expecting to see what you did. It doesn't mean he's happy though. Thats just what is portrayed in the photos. Those feelings will pass, hope you feel better in the morning.

[MagentaVitus]

Thanks everybody, I really can't thank you enough

Majestic - it is neither of those thoughts. It is that for ten years he's been nothing to me. In my head he didn't exist anymore. Except today he does exist, and not only does he exist, he is living a happy existence. If he has to exist, I want him alone and miserable. Definitely don't want it to be me. In an ideal world I want him to disappear, and be wiped from everyone I know's memories. If not, I want him to be nowhere near as successful in life as me.

Thanks Heyho and Around. You are right. He can't be happy. He is a sad, controlling, pathetic man who throws his weight around to get what he wants. He is deeply, deeply insecure and can never actually be happy.

At least, thats what I told myself to get over him. 10 years has passed.. maybe none of those things are true anymore. Thats the thought that had knocked the stuffing out of me.

I want a DH cuddle. I have a feeling holding him would make these feelings melt away.

[MagentaVitus]

I'm really fucking lonely at the minute, and bitching about this seems like the most selfish thing in the world after his mums just died so suddenly.

[MagentaVitus]

I'm happy to talk to anyone about anything tonight. I just want to feel like I've got some company.

[WherehaveIgoneto]

Oh wow Magenta this really resonants with me. I can't give you any advice, but a similar thing has happened to me.

In a relationship with an abusive guy for 10 years. Left him 3 years ago. Little contact. Found out a few weeks ago that he is engaged and bam, I feel right back where I was before I left him - no self esteem, completely broken. My current relationship is now suffering and I feel awful.

Just so you know...it's not just you. Hugs.

[WherehaveIgoneto]

*resonates

[MagentaVitus]

Thanks Where. Knowing I'm not a mental case stuck in the past really helps.

Seeing photos of the wife made feel like my stomach had fallen out of my arsehole. She really does look like me.

[WherehaveIgoneto]

Same here....same height, build, colouring...

But she seems super happy and radiant in photos...

[MagentaVitus]

This one looks like a The Only Way Is Essex version of me. They're both doctors. He's lost a lot of weight, and isn't has handsome as he was. Still attractive though.

[SelfLoathing]

He can't be happy. He is a sad, controlling, pathetic man who throws his weight around to get what he wants. He is deeply, deeply insecure and can never actually be happy.

You won't want to hear this but you don't know that he isn't happy at all. It just suits your vision of him to think that. You haven't spoken to him for 10 years that's a hell of a time.

People grow; people mature; people change. Plus - it's true that most of us are different with different people. Think about it. Even with friends an colleagues - some people bring out the best in you and some people rub you up the wrong way. No reason just different strokes for different folks. It maybe that you and he just weren't suited and he is really happy because he's found a better fit for him. AS HAVE YOU!

Why should you be happy and him not be happy? The reason I say this is because you have had a shock by stalking him and part of coming to terms with a shock is accepting reality.

On triggers, I know all about triggers - I periodically get this for a man I was involved with. For me it's usually when I bump into his friends - or occassionally see him at work events. Once you get used to it, you can start to manage your response. It's like knowing that if you get down, you want to eat choc icecream; one solution is not to have the ice cream in the house. For you, I would say you must institute a rule of never searching for him on the internet - you know your trigger. You just need to weather out this little rough patch and if you avoid his facebook, in a few months it will be water under the bridge.

[MagentaVitus]

I know Self. I really know. I like to think abusers never change, but actually nobody knows that at all.

I suppose that makes me think, what did I do to have tables thrown at me? Why is she worthy of not being beaten black and blue and I wasn't?

[SelfLoathing]

It's NOTHING to do with you. That's like blaming a victim and you'd never do that to another woman would you who told you she'd been abused? So why do it to yourself?

It's to do with him and how he behaves.

Eg. if it were right that he feels she's a better match for him -it's totally is to do with him. And not you or her.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feeling attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feelings attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feelings attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feelings attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feelings attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

This is all very easy to say when you don't have feelings attached to the situation.

I'm not asking for answers to those questions. Because I already know them.

I'm asking for comfort and reassurance that I'm doing ok.

[MagentaVitus]

Woah, sorry!

I'll be alright soon. Weekends are hard at the minute as I'm spending a lot of time alone. Lots of time to think, and let my mind run away with itself. Work is a good distraction.

I want DH back, and I want to make him happy. His mum got hit by a car 5 weeks ago and was pronounced dead at the scene. We were all devastated. We've all been a bit fragile, and I've been quite reflective on my own life and how easily happiness can be removed ever since.

This is all so horribly selfish in the context! I'm planning on keeping my worries to myself when DH gets back. He doesn't need to hear any of this. We just need to get back to normal asap.

[MagentaVitus]

In fact, I think this is way more about missing DH than it is my ex. Isn't it?

[TrickyBiscuits]

You're doing fine, you really are. The way you feel is totally natural, and it's precisely because you haven't thought about him or looked him up in all this time that you have this sense of shock. It's opened up old wounds, at a point in your life where you feel unsettled, and that's okay, it's normal.

I totally get you, he have had a shitty life! It feels unjust. But facebook is just one massive facade anyway, what you've seen doesn't mean anything, you can't interpret anything from photos. I don't think abusers can change that much, personally.