My life appears to have turned into an episode of Eastenders

[sarsiem]

Am in a state of shock. My H has had a female friend. They are involved in local amdram group. I've recently had a few suspicions that there was more to this than simply friendship. He usually isn't so secretive with his phone but lately hasn't let it out of his site. So Sunday morning I asked him what if anything was going on and he admitted that he has confided in her and that she is very understanding of our problems(!) He denied an affair and showed me his phone. He had deleted all her recent texts. Later on I remembered he likes to use whatsapp and surprise surprise lots of photos of herself sent to him along with hearts at the ends of the messages. I confronted him and he has denied that they are having an affair however they have apparently discussed that if things don't work out in the marriages they will give it a go. I am devastated. I can't stop crying but am trying to act as normal as possible in front of my daughters. ( nearly 14 & nearly 12)
I had to go to work today and present a PowerPoint. Luckily I have very understanding colleagues who cut me a lot of slack and are very supportive. I can hardly believe I am writing this and I'm not sure what to do. He has said today that if I had been a better wife then it wouldn't have happened. It feels like the end of the world.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I'm sorry. I'm familiar with the pain and shock.

Don't accept any of his blame for this. Cheaters will dump the blame anywhere. You could not make him have an affair same as you could not make him rob a bank. It's not your fault.

[sarsiem]

I'm sorry it's familiar to you. I never thought it would happen to us. Been together for 20 years.

[Bursarymum]

How awful for you

I think your priority has to be protecting yourself at this point. He has probably been lying about the extent of the relationship. It's highly likely he's been having an affair with her for some time.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

If you had been a better wife? Almost speechless

Actually no. Speechless

[Bursarymum]

This is not your fault - it is his fault. Do not accept his shitty attempts to deflect blame onto you when it was he who decided to default on his commitment to you.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Unfortunately it's far too common. It's the same old story with the odd variation. It's also very predictable what comes next. I can imagine how it must have felt regarding the better wife remark, but much of what a cheater says is to be disregarded. They will say anything to justify it. They have to.

It does feel like the end of the world. But it isn't. You are probably in a state of shock. Discovering infidelity is a trauma. Many people find it similar to a bereavement. Be kind to yourself , take time off work if you need to and confide in friends.

Once the shock wears off you will be able to get a plan together.

[AnyFucker]

Why are you trying to carry on as normal ? This is very far from normal

My advice to you now is to tell him to leave, at least temporarily. That way you get some space to think about what you want to happen and his actions will tell you all you need to know.

For all that is holy, please do not demean yourself by doing the Pick Me Dance

[GrumpleMe]

Contact her husband. He needs to know he's on probation, like you are.

[goddessofsmallthings]

It goes without saying that he and his leading lady have been shagging in the wings having an affair

In the tradition of Eastenders, tell him you're off down the Vic to meet her husband and discuss the quickest way to get shot of your adulterous spouses.

Better wife??? < gobsmacked emoticon > All that greasepaint has gone to head and he clearly reckons he's a star. Don't stand any of that nonsense... tell him you intend to divorce his unprincipled arse for adultery and name the the ow as co-respondent - and then sit back and watch his ego deflate as he contemplates the ramifications of them apples.

This is NOT the end of the world, honey - it's Act II of your marriage in which you take centre stage and direct the play so that it results in the best outcome for yourself and your dds.

[Cemile76]

So sorry this is happening to you op

Like others, I agree that you should ask him to leave. This is in no way your fault and you most definitely deserve better.

[sarsiem]

Thanks for the replies. Not sure how I have made it through the week. I'm lucky to have such supportive family & friends. The thing that's bothering me the most is the feeling that I am about to end my dd's childhoods if I tell them that H is moving out even if it turns out to be temporary. My parents divorced in the 80's, after my mum left to live with another man. I was 12. My dad got custody and I didn't see my mum for 5 years. (Did have a relationship with her when the mum of my boyfriend at the time got me to ring her thank god.) The day she left was the worst day of my life apart from the day she died of ovarian cancer at 47.

Help!

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Well done for getting to nearly Friday
There's no easy way to soften the blow to your DC. However you aren't the one leaving. You will be there on the ground being their mum. What your dh does is up to him. He can just keep on being their dad or he can be a twat.

[honeyroar]

Oh bless, what a git he is. How dare he say it's your fault. You've been a much better spouse than he has. At least you've managed to keep your mitts off other people..

If you left, it wouldn't mean that your children would have the same experience as you did. They'd still see both their parents. You'd just not be with a cheating, lying rat that doesn't deserve you, and they'd have a happier (in a while) mother who stood on her own feet and didnt let a man walk over her and treat her badly. A mother who would be a good role model..

[CantGetYouOutOfMyHead]

Entirely projecting from my own experience, but you might anticipate the following sequence of conversations:

1. If you'd been a better wife, or we didn't have difficulties in our relationship, it wouldn't have happened.

1. OK, we didn't really have grave or unfixable difficulties in our relationship, but I felt a deep personal connection to her.

1. OK, well, the deep personal connection was because I didn't feel you were there for me.

1. She and I have so much in common, and you seem to value the kids/work/other stuff above me.

1. She is in an unhappy relationship (too).

1. I felt left out/alone. With her, I felt young/fun/wanted.

1. Oh, you don't want me any more? Well, seeing as you don't want me any more, ...

Batten down the hatches, OP ...

[yougotafriend]

My exH had an EA, he blamed me followed pretty much the script in previous post.... I hadn't discovered MN then, I took on board his comments and tried harder.... Guess what it didn't work cos the actual problem wasn't me it was him.... We're separated anyway now but undoubtedly the fact that he never really took responsibility was a contributing factor....

Look after yourself, your girls will be ok (my boys tho older are fine), if he isn't prepared to at least admit it's him not you at fault (then do loads of begging your forgiveness), the relationship isn't going to have a chance

[Tequilashotsfor1]

So sorry op

I agree with grumple and any

Don't take the blame for this and don't hide his sorry arse secret. They wont have just discussed their future. You don't discuss the future with some one you havnt kissed or gone further with. He is completly minimising it.

Get him to leave while you think. It can also be very telling in his actions when he does. Will she leave her DH too? How can you carry on thinking if he gets bored or you have an argument he is going to walk and take up with her. You will be on pins.

The fact they are talking about it suggests he is actually giving it some thought!

My SIL stuck out 18 years of BIL fucking about - for the sake of the kids before she left. The eldest hates his dad and I shudder to think how they think normal healthy relasionships work

[flora717]

I feel for you OP. Your story is so similar to that of my friends (am dram, blaming wife, lies told, evidence on phones) I am moved to tell you what I know you know (but because I've ranted, raved and laughed and cried with her over). This is nothing nothing nothing to do with you as a wife. He (just like my friends exH) thinks he's some misunderstood little child. He is an adult. If he wanted to improve his relationship he'd have to start there. If he'd wanted to leave, he'd have started there. You don't accidentally cheat / intend to cheat or fall into a relationship. Decisions have to be made.
This has nothing to do with what you have put in and everything to do with his decisions, choices, actions and reveals his character.
Of course you want to protect dc. You're focused on them. You are in a position to offer experience and support to DC.
I realise you found the divorce difficult. Be realistic. Detach emotionally from him as much as possible so you can focus on yourself and DC insist on excellent access for DC.
Best best wishes. To you

[LucyInTheSky78]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so surreal, it's difficult to think straight.
Get yourself down to chumplady.com

Have a good look at her site. Her posts are all topics re cheating partners. I remember one in particular was how to spot real remorse from fake. You're husband isn't sorry. He's just crushed you, and is now blaming you. He's shown you who he is. Believe him!

You'll be amazed when you start reading a lot of the comments on ChumpLady how much cheats all must be reading from the same book.

She's straight to the point (some harsh truths I'm afraid) but genuinely cares. She saved my sanity and gave me strength.
Anyway, once again, my heart goes out to you big hugs.

[sarsiem]

Thanks for all the supportive messages. Really helps. I do need some time to think. I asked him to go and he did but not until he told me that he loves both of us. He doesn't seem to be thinking about our dd's at all, sadly. But I will be strong for them.

We agreed that he would go for one night but I don't want him to come back tomorrow.

[goddessofsmallthings]

That's easily solved - tell him to stay away until you've had time to seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him for adultery and naming the ow as co-respondent.

If he claims the affair was not physical, tell him in that case it's unlikely her dh will throw her out on her ear when you let him know what's been going on.

He's not thinking about your dds, honey - his thoughts are entirely centred on keeping his options open until the ow has decided whether to leave her husband.

Take the bull by the horns and make it clear to him that you are not to be trifled with and he is not setting foot in the marital home again until YOU have decided whether you wish to stay married to him and make it clear that, at the present time, that's looking about as likely as the lies he's told you.

[Jackw]

Oh, the old loves you both line. Keeping his options open.

[PoppyField]

Sorry you're going through this OP. Tell him to stay away for a few more days as you need some space. That's all you need to say. He has no shame. Tell him you don't want to hear that outrageous - blaming you and then tell you he 'loves both of us'. What a an utter selfish gobshite.

Don't talk to him. Talk to a lawyer.

Perhaps you'll talk to him when he's on his hands and knees begging forgiveness. Perhaps not. He is only thinking of himself.

Tell a friend as well. Don't suffer alone.

[PoppyField]

I meant 'outrageous crap!'

[Tequilashotsfor1]

What a prick he is. So sorry op

Take the choice away from him. Your not sweets he can't decide on.

Gather your anger and self respect and tell him to fuck off.

If he runs straight in to her arms - he was going to anyway. If he fights for you back you could salvage this... If you wanted to.

Please don't let him dance between the two of you, it will destroy you

[sarsiem]

Thank you for all the support. I have spent the last week going round and round in circles in my head and I have no clearer idea of what to do. H hasn't been here since Saturday but collected my dd's from camp tonight and was here almost acting like nothing had happened whe I got home from work. Asked me what I wanted for tea etc. I couldn't eat anything. Just want to cry and feel like I'm being pathetic. He thinks our marriage is fixable and has suggested counselling. I think I just don't want him to be here. My head is mush.