Ok, so I am 39 and a single parent of three children. I haven't had a relationship since I was in my early thirties. Seriously, it's been so long I think if you gave me a naked man I wouldn't know which way up he went.
Recently, I got in contact with a man who lives in my community to ask him for a work related favour for a younger relative. I don't know this man very well at all - we've perhaps had a few short conversations over the past few years - but I guess I've always thought he was quite attractive. He is fairly recently separated (in the last year or so) but still has a seemingly very amicable relationship with his (ex)wife, whom I also know.
So the first proper one to one conversation we have is about this work favour but quickly moves on to other topics. I feel like we really click - we immediately have lots to talk about, seem to have lots in common, and the conversation becomes quite animated and enthusiastic. I think I get a sense of there being an attraction there.
Suddenly he says, "Oh you and me should really hook up!" And I don't respond as I feel taken aback (he means it in the sense of getting together, not the sexual sense, but still, it's been a while...) and then he immediately looks a little flustered and says, "You know, because um..." and then mentions something we have in common. It feels like he's just plucking it out of the air and it's a slightly awkward moment. I don't say yes or no (still feeling surprised) and we just kind of carry on talking. I promise to text with information about the work thing.
I do text the relevant info but don't hear back from him for a week (to be fair my text doesn't exactly warrant a reply.) This week is spent wondering whether he is interested in a friendship with me, or possibly more?
I heard back from him today (work related stuff but also something friendly with kisses at the end) and so sent a text back saying, "Oh if you do want to get together for a coffee or something, we could discuss the work thing some more over that, rather than texting back and forth? Let me know."
Haven't heard anything back yet. Have I just made a total twat of myself? Is he cringing worrying he's given me the wrong idea? But if he was just being friendly, then why ignore the text? What's the big deal? It could easily be just two mates going out to discuss something work related right?
Help me wise ones of mumsnet. It's been too long.
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It's been so long - please help me to figure this one out.
fishfingersinmysandwiches · 15/05/2015 20:21
He suggested meeting up and then sent a friendly message with kisses. I don't think you've gone over the top, especially as you linked the potential coffee with discussing the work thing.
I know sometimes it feels like aaaaages before you get a reply, but if this was earlier today it's not a big deal that he hasn't replied. Maybe he was busy/driving etc when you texted. He thought he'd reply later and forgot. When he's scrolling through his messages tomorrow he'll see it and reply then I'm sure.
I quite often send my DP messages. He is usually in a meeting and will reply a few hours later or mention that it made him smile when I speak to him later, even if he hasn't repled. He's besotted with me but still doesnt always reply to texts immediately, it doesn't mean anything, honestly 
I haven't yet. But judging by the time he took to reply after my last text, I assume he'll reply when he's got some more info regarding the work thing. He did say that he didn't know exactly what dates my relative would be able to go there, and that he'd contact me when he did know. So I reckon when he knows he'll text back with a time and date to discuss it (over a coffee).
I dunno, I've got a feeling that the interest is there, but that neither of us are sure of the other one and we're both just being extra cautious. I like the fact that he obviously doesn't do text tennis. I think we probably will go for a coffee at some point over the next couple of weeks - the question mark will be whether there's anything in it beyond friendship and a work related favour.
But I'm not feeling anxious like I was before for some reason. Letting things unfold at their own pace is giving me an opportunity to work on my impatience 
Oh Christ, update. I am 
So I didn't hear back from him but didn't think much of it because, as I explained in my last post, I assumed he'd text with a date and a time when he knew better what was happening with the work related favour.
Then earlier this week I was at a loose end in the town he lives in (my car was in the garage and I had to wait a few hours there with nothing to do) so I sent a text asking if he was around as there was only so much time a woman could spend drinking coffee in a caff (I also said that I had sent the same text to some other friends too so not to worry if he was busy) He replied straight away saying yeah, come over and kill time here.
So I went over and we had a nice couple of hours chatting. Again, lots in common, lots to talk about. He said he still didn't have the information about the work stuff yet, but would contact me when he did. I left thinking hmmm... maybe.... maybe not (as in whether this could go further).
Then in a conversation today someone bought up the fact that he was seeing someone I vaguely know. I don't imagine it can be that serious as I happen to know this person has plans to move many hundreds of miles away soon. But still.
Oh god I have seriously misread this haven't I. How could I have got it so wrong??? My radar must be seriously wonky. I'm dying of embarrassment thinking it must be so obvious to him now that I like him after I used my loose end as an excuse to spend time with him. Why didn't he mention he was seeing someone? But then, why would he?
Oh god I'm cringing. Will someone hold my hand?
I wouldn't worry, I'm sure he fancies you and was flattered if he thinks you fancy him. Bit awkward if you know his gf but I doubt he told her 
We've all done things like this at some point, just put it behind you and see it as good practice.
He might become single at a later date and ask you out then or be lining you up for when his gf goes travelling
Sorry Holdyourown x-posted.
Thank you for your reply. I did wonder whether perhaps he was hedging his bets. But I think perhaps I've done far too much reading into this situation than I should have already
The bottom line is that I'm not going to have any kind of relationship with/or date someone who is involved with someone else in any capacity. I just don't want to. It doesn't sit right with me, even if their relationship is neither serious nor monogamous.
A rumour like that would be OTT in the circumstances and very deniable anyway. You had a plausible excuse, you're doing work stuff together. People won't be thinking about it, honestly try to let it go. It's hardly major gossip/dramaramas even in greendale
oops x-posted back! See what happens later on - he may become single. You just never know with these type of situations. Or he may have a nice twin brother
at even in Greendale. That just made me laugh out loud.
You're right. It's totally deniable. That's my plan if it comes down to it. Lie.
FWIW I think you will find if he did not fancy you at all he might have mentioned the gf? You were not to know.
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Well if he mentioned her, but didn't own up to seeing her then I'd say he obviously does fancy you and doesn't want you to write him off as being couple up, especially if she is going away and it's likely to fizzle out with her anyway.
Maybe that's why he's in no rush to sort out this meeting with you, he's biding his time because actually he's a nice guy and doesn't want to get drawn into anything while they're still together.
Sounds like he accepted your genuine offer of a coffee to pass the time to get to know you a bit better without the moral dilemma of it being a date, and doesn't intend to take it further at the moment, but once his GF has left he might well step it up a gear.
I'm giving him massive benefit of the doubt here I know, but I'm a hopeless romantic 
Oh thank you everyone. You are all being so lovely. Have some
I think part of the problem is that when you've been out of the game for so long, and you finally come across something you think may have some promise, it is very exciting and then very disappointing when it comes to nowt. In my younger days when half of my social circle was single I'm sure this situation would barely even have registered you know?
Also, I know I should not compare myself to other women (I'm a believer in the sisterhood) but this woman he's seeing is preposterously gorgeous. I mean really really stunning. And by all accounts a very nice person too. I know her daughter who is an absolutely lovely young woman and a total credit to her.
I'm just not up for any sort of competition you know?
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