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Is lying ever forgivable?

(42 Posts)
KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 00:34:01

If you're in a casual relationship and the person lies to you (not about something huge but they really made an effort to be untruthful) is it ever something you can discuss and move past or is it a clear sign they will lie about other things later?

The lie was deliberate, but done at a moment of impulse.

Move past it or definite problem?

MumsSnot Wed 06-May-15 00:37:58

In my experience, I would see this as a red flag Kerry. Sorry, but a little white lie in the early stages can/will turn into a massive issue in the long run. Hope you're OK sad

bigbumbrunette Wed 06-May-15 07:44:58

As I sit here trying to unravel the Web of lies of my marriage, I look back to the first red flag and wish I'd listened to my gut instincts.

HetzelNatur Wed 06-May-15 07:47:00

Problem. Sorry. Walk away now.

NotQuiteCockney Wed 06-May-15 07:55:48

Lying is perfectly fine - if it's about a birthday surprise, or to protect someone else's secret (and isn't actually relevant to the person being lied to).

Joysmum Wed 06-May-15 08:12:41

I hate lying but context and intent is everything. I'm not down on all lies.

Mum4Fergus Wed 06-May-15 08:14:58

It would come down to the context for me OP.

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 08:46:31

He did something, tried to cover it up. He doesn't know I know he lied and he's carrying on with it. The context isn't good but then the lie is sort of insignificant and I have no idea why he would lie about something so dumb. Just how convincing he is, was scary.

PeppermintCrayon Wed 06-May-15 08:47:13

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Allstoppedup Wed 06-May-15 08:52:10

Big, big red flag.

If he can lie so convincingly with seemingly no remorse he will lie about anything to cover his own back.

As PP have said, little white lies to cover a surprise -yes!
or when my DP says I look good first thing in the morning- yes!

Being purposefully deceptive to cover your own back-nope.

Sorry OP.

Allstoppedup Wed 06-May-15 08:53:40

Sorry, that meant to say "if he can lie so convincingly about something insignificant..."

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 06-May-15 08:53:43

When you're in a casual relationship/early stages of a relationship,aim high,and if in doubt walk away.

If you could add together the sum total of wasted years in mumsnet having not followed that advice,there'd be many lives worth.

Why take the chance? Fuck him,he lied.Dump him.If he can't make an effort to behave and be open and honest now,why get in any further?

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 08:53:51

So you think there's no point confronting and asking for honesty in future? I'm so annoyed....I have put my heart into this man and over something so stupid he's lost my trust.

PeppermintCrayon Wed 06-May-15 08:57:11

OP, be careful. Effectively you're saying: I invested in an idea of this man and I don't want to accept that I was wrong.

Honesty is a pretty basic thing. You shouldn't have to ask for it.

Only1scoop Wed 06-May-15 08:57:14

I'd probably bring up that I know he's lying. It would probably mean Id never trust him again. It's hard once you see someone is capable of a lie.

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 06-May-15 09:01:24

Look at it another way,op.
He's been sprung early,and you are free to move on.
No children,no house,no financial implications.
Good result in my book.

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 09:02:06

Peppermint, that's probably actually what I do mean, I don't really want to accept this. Feel so let down but deep down I think my brain knew the answer of I would not have posted here. Have not seen him face to face since the lie, it was texted to me, and I have been avoiding seeing him because I don't know how to handle this. It's made me question everything else he has ever said so I know this is the poison lies spreads isn't it

Meerka Wed 06-May-15 09:03:46

He did something, tried to cover it up.

Just how convincing he is, was scary.

If he lies about something small he'll lie about something big ... And you won't know. He'll tell you everything is ok and you won't ever know if you can believe him. Once somethign like this happens, it marks the relationship in a bad way. it's a very small thing from what you said but his response is something to remember.

Two caveats: are you absolutely dead certain he did knowingly lie?
And lying-by-omission or occasionally active lying are okay if you have to protect someone's safety

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 06-May-15 09:04:49

Kerry. Run, run like the wind. My XH used to lie about stupid stuff all the time. There were many big lies I never got to the bottom of. He would lie when the truth would have served him better. It is impossible to have a close relationship with a liar, as you don't know who they are, they are not showing you. It didn't get any better, and over time you kind of normalise it. It was part of many personality problems. Get out now, before you invest any more.

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 09:12:09

Yes, absolutely certain he did lie, and absolutely certain that when I mildly questioned it he tried to turn the tables a bit. It was uncomfortable to say the least

pocketsaviour Wed 06-May-15 09:19:30

Massive red flags there OP, and I think you already knew the answer.

The fact that he lies so well would mean you couldn't ever really trust him to tell the truth. The fact it was over something insignificant would indicate that he has a very casual relationship with truth-telling. sad

Meerka Wed 06-May-15 09:26:53

and absolutely certain that when I mildly questioned it he tried to turn the tables a bit.

.... next time, he'll do the same thing. So you'll be able to tell when he's lying becuase he'll try to make things your fault.

Is he worth it?

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 09:27:09

I did already know the answer sad

KerryCatOwner Wed 06-May-15 09:28:11

Meerka I suppose if I was being clever I'd say no one is worth it are they. Doesn't mean this isn't painful for me. It's hard to do the smart thing sometimes isn't it.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 06-May-15 09:36:07

Of course it's painful, but remember, it hurts because he isn't who you thought he was. Staying with this guy isn't going to change that. You wouldn't be with the man you were getting fond of because that man does not exist. All you're letting go of is an illusion.

(God, I wish I'd ditched XH the first time he blatantly lied to me... or the third or the fifth... apart from anything else it shows a massive disrespect for the other person which doesn't bode at all well for a lifetime partnership.)

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