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HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

(1000 Posts)
WellWhoKnew Thu 23-Apr-15 22:11:27

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKL4X0PZz7M

iwashappy Thu 23-Apr-15 22:23:36

Hello everyone, thank your for the new thread WWK.

I am iwas and my background is thus - I was happily married for 25 years to a man (known on here as Sid) I considered lovely, kind and decent. We are in our late fifties with a DS 22 and DD 16. I suspected last August that my husband was having an affair with a much younger woman who lives very close by and who I knew and was friendly with. It turned out that he had been seeing her for nearly a year and it also came to light that his first marriage had ended because he had also cheated on his first wife. That was the first I knew of it, he had lied to me about that too.

I ended our marriage at that point as he had lied to me throughout our marriage and I no longer believed that cheating was out of character for him. Since then I have found out that he had cheated on me throughout our marriage with a string of women.

He resumed seeing the OW the very day I ended our marriage and is effectively living with her next door. We also run a business together which is located in the grounds of our house.

I ended our marriage at the beginning of December and we are in the process of getting divorced.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:25:26

I'm here! <jumps up and down waving>

iwashappy Thu 23-Apr-15 22:34:49

Ali sorry about your daughter. No Judge will take your daughter off you because you told her off, sadly rows are quite commonplace when everyone is so fraught which is understandable. It does seem that we bear the brunt of it a bit because as has been said before we are the parent they feel safe with so they can vent at us more because we are not going to clear off. Your daughter will come home and it will get better but in the meantime flowers and [hug].

We have to start a new thread because there is a limit to 1,000 posts per thread so the old one is now full.

WellWhoKnew Thu 23-Apr-15 22:36:36

hobbit conserve them energy/calorie things. You's marvellous just sitting and quaffing...

You also have a lovely looking dog.

But I prefer you.

bobs123 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:39:39

Me too <waving Hobbit's steel balls>

So I'm 55, married 23 years to date - nisi granted last year

I have 2 DDs, 18 and 21, both with mental health issues due to stbx. There are lots of names I could attribute to his behaviour through most of our marriage - passive aggressive describes it best. He has not contact with them - and they are happy that way as he now cannot mess with their heads.

I did over a year of solicitors, then started mediation last December. We have had 3 sessions and at the moment it's going nowhere due to his inability to respond to any proposals I make.

We sold our house and are both currently in rentals as he had the proceeds frozen.

iwashappy Thu 23-Apr-15 22:41:29

Hello Hobbit <waves back> Did you say on the other thread that you had just been working! thought you were a lazy cow

Bobs yes there is a Mrs Sid unfortunately otherwise I would still be married and not in the bar! She goes by the name of Not-So-Choosy-Floozy but as you say Izzie thinks Sid's gorgeous so you never know.

Izzie595 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:46:42

Hello, Izmeister is back! Looking a bit shit again and wondering why iwas puts crisps and chocolate in her cocktails. I suppose the answer is " because she can", daft bat!

PS who cocked up on the last post, bobs? Surely you know it should be a link to the last thread? Useless.

I did laugh at bobs trying to find that list. Thought it would have been cross referenced on the spreadsheets......

Oh and if anyone want to know my story, I'm going to say it: read the fucking threads! Cos I'm not boring myself witless going through it again

drifted2015 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:48:19

Evening everyone. I hope you might recognise me . Sorry I have been away . Not inside though ! Just been busy having a disastrous divorce. I have lurked . We have lots of new friends.

My wife left me in late 2014 for someone else. Since then she has not left me alone, offering reconciliation , then not, then yes, then no to the point we're finally getting divorced & it cannot come soon enough.

I hope ladies you are all well - If I am right , have you not had any other guys dive into the forum ?

Best wishes to you all . KOKO X.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:49:08

Here's our lady of the thread, looking serene, <pissed off>
One of my favourite pics of her;

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:52:53

I think that's a case of pot calling kettle black there, Audrey Izzmeister, seeing as an Izzietini is wine and cream soda!

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:54:26

YEY ! Mr Drifter is back in the bar! How are ya?

Izzie595 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:56:43

Drifting, oh we've all been thinking of you. I put my pic up. It must be a magic charm. Are you going to hang around this time? I'm sick of hearing about bloody Poldark. You can come in anytime, you know that.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 22:57:18

No, you're our one and only, my love, missed you smile

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:00:52

How very dare you Izzie Mr Poldark is totty of the highest order,
<hoiks bosom>

drifted2015 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:01:54

Hobbit ! Tired. Good to see you. Feel like I am seeing old friends. For those who don't know, I believe I am the only chap on this thread(s) who has been dumped. I have lurked occasionally but with spring here been busy getting out & about. Glad to be back , I will keep in touch , sorry to see so many new friends, but for those new friends, my god in December & January I was literally a mess, now, I am so so up and I absolutely know SHE is such a mess, thank goodness I am divorcing her ! It gets better it really does. It will get better .

Izzie595 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:05:49

Drifting all that messing with your head, I understand.

Poldark cue Font's arrival for last orders

iwashappy Thu 23-Apr-15 23:09:03

Izzie we are obviously posh here because we drink our drinks and eat the crisps and chocolate. It's not like a biscuit you dunk in your tea.

Hello Drifting! We thought Izzie had locked you in a cupboard in Rhyl. Sorry your ex has messed you about but at least it has convinced you that you are making the right decision. Good that you are feeling positive. KOKO

Izzie do you wear glasses?

WellWhoKnew Thu 23-Apr-15 23:09:07

Welcome back drift, like you, we're all dealing with the 'mindfuck'.

Or 'hoovering' in some cases. I think that's something you need to investigate...

I remain steadfast: I need to survive this.

For me, it's not been a lack of 'male empathy', quite the contrary.

So I will never be heard to exclaim "men!". It's just I divide society by 'on my page/not on it.

I don't wish to hate anyone. For any reason.

You seem to be dealing with the same issues.

KOKO.

bobs123 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:13:18

Hi Drifting you were a fixture on here before I joined so glad you're back.smile so how would you compare yourself to Mr Poldark???

Izzie cheeky cow I'll have you know my spreadsheets are a work of art hmm As for the last thread I had it all planned - link to new thread in last post and all, but spent so long pondering over Sid's OW ( could only think of you!) then Hobbit popped one in grin

Izzie595 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:14:33

iwas I only wear gloves. And a tiara.

Dunking. Reminds me of one of the Classic threads.......

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:15:40

Don't blame me bobs !

Izzie595 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:17:06

bobs if my ex weren't a cheating fuckwit, I would say you two would be a perfect match. He loves a good spreadsheet. And is quite hot in the PowerPoint department too.

iwashappy Thu 23-Apr-15 23:18:48

Bobs I've spent a fair amount of time pondering over Sid's OW too...

Queen Izzie then! I just assumed your eyesight was bad as you don't like Poldark.

Yuk, that's not a naice thought.

Hobbitwife001 Thu 23-Apr-15 23:19:13

Any road up, < as they say up north> Welcome one and all to the bar, ta very much to the delightful WWK for heading up the thread and doing all that linking gubbins and shit, she is a clever cat.

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