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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

secrets

28 replies

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 18:25

Recently in an argument dh said there are things about him i dont know and don't have a right to know. We have been together since 1998 and i have known him for a long time so it came as a bit of a shock. It was a couple of evening's ago but has bugged me ever since. Would this be a dealbreaker for others or would you just leave it??

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Report

redcaryellowcar · 18/04/2015 18:31

One one once told me that in a relationship there can be things that are private (eg medical stuff) but not secret? Not sure that's much clearer or much help?

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 18:37

Thanks thats helpful he won't go near GP surgery though! So doubt it's a medical issue.

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J0annie · 18/04/2015 18:44

That seems like such an odd thing to say. It's like he's warning you "i have secrets, I will defend my right to keep these secrets and you must accept that".

Whether or not it's a deal breaker depends on what it is of course and I am guessing that it's something that would be a deal breaker for you.

I would tell him, ok I respect your right to keep your past before you met me private but do you respect my right to not unwittingly spend my life with a man who isn't who I think he is?

I would give him a list of things that are a deal breaker for you. sex with an underage girl, having raped somebody, having been accused of rape......... intraveinous drug use. I'd ask him to end the relationship with you if it's on the list.

Even if it's not on the list though, I would at best very shut out by his unwillingness to share his past, and at best, I'd feel very suspicious that he was not a good man and that he was hiding something taht he knew would be shocking.

you are in a tough place.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 18:44

God, that would make me think he was that guy in The Fall!!!

What the hell was he on about?

What kind of man is he? Is he normally reliable, honest and trustworthy?

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 18:45

What led up to this argument? What was said immediately prior to it?

J0annie · 18/04/2015 18:48

Or maybe he was abused or sexually assaulted and he doesn't want you to feel sorry for him. It is very hard for you. YOu literally don't know whether you're going out with a victim who has erected boundaries up around himself or a man with a past he knows would horrify you.

It's all very well for him to insist on his privacy but it does rob you of the right to know exactly who you are in a relationship with.

J0annie · 18/04/2015 18:50

That's a good point IB, I was assuming the secrets were to do with past behaviour. What if it's another side to him, a side he must keep hidden or you would leave.

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 19:09

We were discussing the issue of him blocking me on twitter. I was not happy that a local woman was 'only' following him so i followed her as a 'warning' he is married.he does not put his marital status on social media and it pisses me off. Then the next thing i know i am blocked from his account and we had that argument. And he said that.

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LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 19:11

He denys he knows her and i sent her a message saying why is she following my husband and no one else.

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ImADonkeyOnTheEdge · 18/04/2015 19:14

Tell him to Fuck off and grow up.

Or just fuck off and get out.

Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive, but my ex did this to me last year and it just so happened to be that he'd had a three some with our best friends girlfriend and her friend.

How we laughed. When I told him I didn't want to see him ever again.

ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 19:15

When he blocks you from Twitter, you can still see what he's saying, can't you? Unless he's chatting privately, of course, but you wouldn't have been able to see that anyway, would you?

If she is only following him, that would make me very suspicious, tbh.

MyArksNotReady · 18/04/2015 19:15

He is a father to the girl or a cheat.

MyArksNotReady · 18/04/2015 19:17

If the follow each other on Twitter they can DM.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/04/2015 19:18

You've already lost, OP. If you have to start sending messages and 'warnings' like some kind of tomcat marking your territory then you haven't got him. Only he can decide this to be faithful to you.

It doesn't sound as if he likes you very much. Has he always been this way with you?

For me, if he said that, it wouldn't really matter what his secrets were, I wouldn't trust him to tell the truth and I wouldn't wait for him to consider his 'list' and see where my dealbreakers might be.

What I'm saying is that if you have to cling on for dear life, maybe it's not the sort of life you should be happy to have?

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 19:19

Don't worry i have had enough of his spoilt brat behaviour. I am going to arrange a trial seperation because i can't deal be treated like this any longer. Even in the mornings he avoids looking at me or engaging with me no cuddle no smile no anything then i get out of bed straight on twitter. Its ruined our marraige two years of this has squashed me and i cannot be squashed anymore.

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LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 19:24

He has changed alot. He has no patience with me anymore and never wants to go out or have fun. I feel like a convieniece just so he comes home for a nice dinner. I find his whole blocking thing very sus and he has the cheek he wants me to trust him.

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ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 19:34

He's got a whole other life going on, hasn't he? He's avoiding looking at you because he is guilty of something. He has no patience now because he has an idealised version of a woman somewhere else.

You are much better off dumping him now. He can't be trusted and it's obvious he's got another life.

How horrible for you. It will feel wonderful once he's gone, though.

Fairenuff · 18/04/2015 19:37

There is obviously more to this than him saying he has a secret.

You don't trust him for starters. You should not be trying to 'warn off' women btw. They can only cheat with him if he's willing.

J0annie · 18/04/2015 19:43

yeh, the classic "i've checked out of this relationship and mentally moved on". even though you've done nothing wrong, he sees you as the bad guy preventing him from sleeping with and chatting up other women.

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 19:52

wow it's so reassuring that I am on the right track.
I even had to say to him today will you look at me in the bloody eyes, even when I gave him his coffee etc he wouldn't look at me and has avoided all engagement opportunities I have given him today even over dinner.
My friend has said the same as you guys too, he wants to be living the single life with 'work' which is why he has stopped taking me to events and inviting me to things he goes too because he is having his ego boosted elsewhere! He has changed so much working in local government. I don't like the man he has become or is becoming. :-(

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ImperialBlether · 18/04/2015 20:02

What stops you from telling him to leave?

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 20:11

I have told him to leave before to go to his parents but he wouldn't which is why unfortunately I am going to have to go and see a solicitor now because he still refuses couples counselling or doing anything to help make the relationship work and constantly blaming me and my behaviour for our problems. However, despite my faults, I should not have to change myself he has to be honest with me where he is and is not making effort too, just creating a secret life that he doesn't want me to know about!!

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MyArksNotReady · 18/04/2015 20:13

I wonder why he refuses to leave?

At least move him out of your bedroom.

justonemoretime2p · 18/04/2015 20:16

If DP followed or messaged someone that I was friends with or was following me to "warn them off" we would be having a serious conversation about why she didn't just ask me or why she has so little trust in me.
I personally would find that very strange and a bit embarrassing behaviour.

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 18/04/2015 20:36

Unforunately its got to a point where its always an argument if i ask do u know them how do do u know her.because personally he has no real life friends he goes out with so i will ask who is this person is when he has is not one to have friends. Gets defensive all the time though. How can i trust someone who behaves this way??

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