Bloody exes as friends - why does it always end in tears??

[AuntieDee]

NC as my OH knows I come on here and don't want to out myself... can't work out how to NC, sod it

This WILL be an essay - sorry

Before anyone says DTB - he is an absolutely lovely partner and has handled the situation in a manner I am almost happy with. We have similar hobbies, the same ethos on life, both want to be SAHPs and raise children as a family whilst both working part time. I just need to get this off my chest.

The backstory is that we have been together nearly 2 years, are engaged and are trying for a baby (we are planning on getting married at home in a quiet ceremony in September). We have a healthy relationship, we argue occasionally but mostly talk about any issues that are bothering either of us.

So he has 3 problem exes... I will describe them a bit first - ex number 1 he was living with for 10 years. They met after he split up with his ex wife and she had 3 children to her previous husband who were living with them on and off (she had periods where she would send them to live with their dad whilst she persued her career) but no children with him. Then came ex number 2. He met her a couple of years after splitting from ex number 1 and was with her for about 6-7 months - she had no children previously and none with him. Finally ex number 3 - he was with her, again for about 6 months. she had 3 children of her own but none with him. He has no children from previous relationships.

The first 'ex' issues came with ex number 1. She had interfered with his previous relationships but they had stayed friends as he was a sort of father figure to her children (the youngest was 4 when they met). She would hound him and hound him but tried to stay civil for the sake of the children. She then started harrassing me and we had a talk about what needed to be done. By this point the youngest was nearly 16 and able to make her own decisions. We both sat and had a chat with her and said that we would be cutting all contact with her mum. We explained that we were happy for her to still come and visit (she had been coming round occasionally for tea and to pet my horses and also see the dog who used to be her pet) and that she would always be welcome but any contact would have to be direct with her, not her mum, once she was 16. She is happy with this and we cut all ties with his ex - changed numbers, blocked facebook, even moved house. Yes she was that bad :( You'd think he'd learn...

Then we had issues with ex number 3. She had been going through a rough divorce and had found out her ex husband had been abusing his youngest daughter. OH is a solicitor so stayed in touch to offer legal support (he wasn't her solicitor but could tell her if things were progressing as they should). She seemed like a lovely lady and I felt quite sorry for her. We became friends on facebook and chatted - she often suggested meeting up for coffee or drinks but I wasn't sure that was a good idea. I didn't dislike her but we had no common interests - my life exclusively revolves around horses, the outdoors and mud, she is more of a ladies-who-lunch-and-have-manicures sort. I'm not saying this is a bad thing - just not me in my mind nailvarnish is there so you can't see the mud.

Anyway we carried on chatting and she started dropping hints that her and my OH had chat/met etc - sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't. It bothered me that she needed to tell me this - almost like she was seeing just how much he told me. Then it escalated to her telling me things he had allegedly said about me. This started to bother me as some of the things weren't very nice and at this point I started to distance myself from her. But she was still in contact with OH - a lot! It started to get intrusive - she would text late at night and if he didn't reply, text asking why and if he still didn't reply she would phone, often waking us up! One night after 4 texts and 2 missed calls I answered and shouted down the phone 'Fuck off we're having sex!'. OH wasn't happy as it was rude but it was the bloody truth... At that point I told him I wasn't happy with how much her contact was interfering with out own life. I asked why she needed to text/phone every day? Why every crisis he had to rescue her? you get the picture! I told him that he needed to tell her to back off - and he did. She stopped being so intrusive and all seemed good.

Until I was looking through the pictures on his phone - I was looking for some nice pictures as his horse had just died and found two pictures of her. One of her in a leather gimp mask and one in a bustier and thick high patent boots. I admit at this point I saw red and exploded. I challenged her first and asked her what the hell she though she was doing. Her response was that she had bought the outfit for her new boyfriend and wanted to ask his opinion. I told her it was inappropriate and that I was not happy with it and would be telling OH this. Her response was that in Germany people are more forthright in their sexuality and called me uptight and frigid (which makes me laugh as I am actually a bit of a perve...). She said she didn't have any female friends to show - I told her that her behaviour is exactly the reason why she has no female friends. I'm ashamed to say with him I layed down the law. He accused me of snooping - my response was I didn't really care what he though I was doing and why hadn't he told her it was inappropriate? I said her behaviour wasn't that of a friend, it was one of someone who was manipulative and sly. I told him that I wasn't going to ban him seeing her (I genuinely believe that there was nothing going on) but he needed to think about why she was acting why she was and decide what to do from there. He blocked her on FB and blocked her on his mobile. We have heard nothing of her since - we are now 14 months on NC.

And so we get to the present and ex number 2!

She comes between exes 1 and 3 obviously and it has been 4 years since they were together! I have met all of my OH's female friends apart from this one. I didn't actually know they had been dating at first, I only found out in passing and got the impression that it was a short term thing and they just went their own ways. This is his only friend who has not added me on FB (I can hear you groan...) and I wasn't bothered by this as they aren't particularly close, don't socialise with his other friends and have never met her out in a group situation - I just assumed she was a FB friend...

She's been having a rough time - she did a degree that is highly specialised with only a few jobs advertised around the country. Unfortunately they keep rejecting her as she only has a 3rd class degree and in all fairness the jobs are that rare they can take the cream of the crop. As a result she is doing 3 part time jobs to make ends meet :( OH has told me of jobs that she has applied for that her degree would get her a job but even these she is being rejected for. The jobs are in my type of field of work and as I have been an interviewer I offered to help her write her CV and coach her on interview technique. Although I am not a friend of hers I have been nice, as I would for any of his friends...

Well this week has been awful as we have miscarried our first child (very much planned and wanted). I was a bit of an idiot got a bit excited and told people a little soon and miscarried at 11 weeks. It was a failed miscarriage so had to have a MMC which was horrific and took two attempts and 72 hours. All my friends and family were so supportive and I had lots of posts to my FB wall offering sympathy and I posted how I was so grateful to everyone and my OH for all of their support.

On day 2 of my 3 days of hell she sent me a message - it was so spiteful :(


lots of generic waffle about FB status updates 'So if it is aimed at me I'd rather you put my name in... I don't know you but I have known X a while now and I will continue to be his friend and I'm sorry if you feel threatened by this in any way'

I was going to ignore it but my screen is temperamental fucked on my phone and it accidentally sent a big thumbs up sign... I told OH who was right next to me and told him that as it might come across as a bit patronising I would reply. He was Ok with this and I told him what I had put

'I'm not sure where that message came from... It is however hugely inappropriate. We lost our baby two days ago and are both distraught. This message is not very kind :('

I hoped that she would have a little sensitivity and back off but no...

'Bit strange how I put comments on anything of X and you are right behind commenting. lots of garbled shite about FB statuses Anyway as I've said I don't know you but to be honest I don't like you from what I have seen... You can show X what I've put... so you will probably be telling him he can't be friends with me now'

My reponse was

'Ex - I cannot see your FB page. Why would I tell X he can't be your friend? I have male friends and wouldn't be impressed if he said that to me. I have no reason to feel threatened - I am not sure why you think that I would. I don't find your tone very pleasant, you have no reason to be like that, I have been nothing but nice to you. As X has suggested I am blocking you'

Before I could block her she blocked me, but not before sending 'he deserves so much better...'

X's phone was in the house charging and when we went in (we were in the garden/stables) 4 hours later there was a torrent of abuse about how I am 'toxic' about how he deserves better than me and how 'It is about time I put her in her place'.

You can imagine my response to this - I wasn't exactly rational, I was still bleeding from the miscarriage and distraught. His response was 'Well I guess I'm going to have to lose another friend now?'. I asked him how on earth he considered someone like that a friend. Someone who had no respect for his or his partners feelings and who would be so vile when a fellow woman was going through such an awful time. He was angry that I had called him out on it but he phoned her in front of me and told her that he was in a relationship with me, didn't need her validation or approval and didn't care if she didn't like me. I could hear her saying really cruel things about me (where she got them from I don't know) to which he kept saying that it was her opinion but he didn't agree with her.

He spoke to her like she was a child and I almost felt bad for her nah I didn't really. It's been 2 days and we have heard nothing since. I hate this situation - it is another friend that he will lose because she has a bee in her bonnet about me. I will never say they can't be friends but I have said that I never want to be put in the situation where we are in the same room and I will never be friends with her.

But here is the thing - I don't want him to be friends with her. She's nasty, spiteful and quite frankly a fruit cake. I commented that she hadn't apologised for her behaviour - he asked me if I was being serious. Actually I was... Am I being unreasonable expecting her to apologise for her behaviour? Do I push this? If they are to continue being friends, I want her to see she was bloody out of order and I don't think she even recognises this :(

I've said to him that it is quite clear that she hasn't moved on from the relationship even after 4 years and that being friends with her actually isn't kind as it is stopping her moving on and almost rubbing her nose in it that he is happy.

[AuntieDee]

I know it is a novel rather than an essay but don't want to drip feed and people speculate

[Heels99]

Sorry about your mc.

But here is some advice, it may seem harsh,


Stop putting stuff on facebook including personal stuff about losing your baby. It's not the appropriate location to discuss that type of stuff especially when people like your boyfriends exes can comment on it.

To be honest, the problem is not your boyfriends exes, it's your boyfriend and his inappropriate relationships with his exes. I wouldn't marry him nor have children with him at this time. I really think you could do better.

Sorry to say that but it seems he loves the drama of women arguing over him, him rescuing them etc etc its tiresome and it will not stop.

[FelicityGubbins]

Fuck me but he has more unhinged baggage than lost property!! Just seriously think about how a lifetime of this shit aimed at you and your children is going to be...

[FenellaFellorick]

I realise you say that he's lovely and that you're happy with the way he's handling the situation but as someone outside the situation and looking at it as you have described it, what screams out is that it's your partner that's making all this happen. He is maintaining these relationships with exes, allowing boundaries to blur and keeping them in his life. Either every woman he's ever been in a relationship with turns out to be some psycho who can't let him go and has a huge problem with you - or he's creating/facilitating the situation. you have no idea what he's saying to them privately. He certainly isn't coming down on your side and saying no, sending me that picture is inappropriate, do not send me such things, no you will not talk to my partner like that, no I do not want to engage in late night personal conversation with you... He shouldn't need you saying hang on, this isn't on, before he actually says something to them. It shouldn't get to that point.

Hand on heart, can you honestly say he doesn't like it? His role as rescuer, his role as the one that got away, feeling like they have feelings for him, him being friends with them all and having them seek out his attention, the close relationship with these women must be a huge ego boost for him. His anger with you when you talk to him about it says a lot.

[ivykaty44]

I am so sorry that you lost your baby…

Im a bit confused on the face book status and to be honest I think Facebook causes a lot of problems with people putting rather inappropriate messages.

I also think your dp has to think about why he has tried to stay friends with these woman that he clearly wasn't meant to be with? There is a reason they are ex girl friends and he has no real reason to stay in contact with all these woman.

Curiosity - did he dump all three woman or did they dump him?

[AuntieDee]

He has told all the women their behaviour is inappropriate and has cut contact with the first two. He is still friends with them as he is a nice person - he has female friends who has not been romantically involved with too. I wouldn't say he uses it as an ego boost, he's quite a humble person.

He isn't hiding anything he has been open with all communication - he doesn't have a password on his phone, he answers the phone in my presence, he shows me messages. He is fully honest about his friendship, but not in any way that could be construed as anything else.

He is a kind man, he is not abusive in any way and is wonderful with animals and children. He is thoughtful about my feelings, respects my career and is not in any way controlling. I deserve better? Jeez - he's pretty much the perfect man except he's short and blonde, not tall and dark...

Ivykaty - he dumped them/mutual breakups and breakups were amicable.

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry about your miscarriage x

The rest of it ? I have only one thing to say. There are two possible common denominators to all this shit here

1. you
   
   
2. him
   
   I am not quite sure which one it is, tbh

[BeeRayKay]

TBH,

I think you both need to step back from his exes. Why are you both so involved with their lives?

He hasn't handled these situations very well, and at a less heightened time I'd recommend sitting with him and explaining what it was about the situations that upset you. Explicitly, with no blame. And discuss how to go forward and how you both feel these situations should be handled in future.

I'm ever so sorry for your loss and I think in future err on the side of caution and not use FB so much for personal things. I learnt that the hard way, and unfortunately it seems like you are doing too.

[Heels99]

Well if he is the perfect man, good luck to you both, nothing needs to change.
Only your very long op suggests that you want him to terminate friendship with ex number two in the same way he has with the other exes. So presumably he is happy to do so, so what exactly is the issue?

[AuntieDee]

Hmm some are a bit harsh here - we are not 'involved in his exes lives', he is was still friends with them. I get the feeling noone contributing to this thread has friends of the opposite sex?

I agree that something needs to change - but that will result in me being 'that woman'. You know the one... The paranoid. The jealous. The obsessive. The one that has her OH under the thumb. How is that healthy?

The other option that has been suggested is to leave him - a lovely kind man? Why the F would I do that?

I came on here looking for a little support and compassion from my fellow woman. And maybe a little advice on how to handle the situation without coming across as a total fruitcake. The advice so far would make me look totally crazy and paranoid, which I have no reason to be.

The original question was along the lines of 'am I being unreasonable if I push for an apology from her? Is it worth it?'. I'm not really asking for relationship advice - we do just fine. We discuss things openly and tend not to blow up - this could be a topic to cause a blow up though and I'm not sure if it is worth pushing for an apology despite feeling hurt by her comments.

[Heels99]

Ok but your op didn't say "someone was nasty to me on Facebook should I ask for an apology", it was a long post about your boyfriend's exes.
Who would be makin you "that woman" if you cut contact, the ex? What do you care what she thinks? You cannot make someone apologize but you can choose not to have them in your life.

[zigazigah01]

Yes you are being unreasonable to push for an apology. If you think this woman is a cow anyway and you don't want anything to do with her then who effing cares. By pushing for an apology you are just continuing this saga/farce.

Agree with the common denominator point as it happens. He's near perfect but all these ladies are bad news? Hmmm...

[AuntieDee]

I know it sounds like I protest too much but believe me I am picky... If I say he is one of the good ones he is. I've chucked a lot of frogs back in the pond - I'm not very tolerant with abusive or nasty men

[Joysmum]

I agree with the others. This is a problem of your partners due to his inability to have suitable boundaries.

There's no way situations like this should have escalated with 3 separate women.

You need to step back and get him to get his head out of his arse and be able to identify what inappropriate behaviour is and stamp on it before it escalates.

[zigazigah01]

PS I do have friends of the opposite sex btw. But I'm not friends with exes. Don't really want to be.

[BitOfFun]

I think I'd just distance myself from all of them- I certainly wouldn't have them on my facebook. Any inappropriate messages from other women to his phone are a separate issue really, and I'd expect him to respond to them in a way that was respectful of your relationship.

[Heels99]

The issue here is not friends of the opposite sex or even friends with exes, its being friends with someone who was horrid to you when you were having a difficult time. Doesn't matter whether they are an ex, doesn't matter what sex they are. Those are red herrings.

[AuntieDee]

Heels99 - that's the point. I can't understand why anyone would want to be friends with anyone like that... It is going to be something to sort out once the hormones have settled and I'm feeling more rational

[Binklesback]

I would put money on him still being in contact with ex number 2.

[jerryfudd]

No I wouldn't push for an apology - it would mean nothing and quite frankly if she did give it it would no doubt be only to keep your partner sweet.

I agree with pp in that it's odd that all his exes are now loons. Either you are already "that woman" (and personally I see nothing wrong in being that woman to avoid having the piss taken out of me) or your partner is the one sending out mixed signals to them and enjoying the jousting after him

[Binklesback]

I agree with jerryfudd I almost here the next woman talking about ex 1,2,3&4

[AuntieDee]

God I came on here looking for some positivity and you're all so negative. Our relationship is fine, he's still friends with ex 2 but has had no contact since 2 days ago. It's really not all doom and gloom...

[rumred]

Short answer- your bf has odd relationships with his exes. I have exes as mates. They are no longer my partners and don't act that way. Your bf lets his exes act like his gfs in my opinion
He isn't quite as humble as you think. Oh and the sex pics? He didn't tell you about them? He's hiding stuff and that's a very bad sig, password or no password

[Binklesback]

Op you're not comfortable with his exes. You know its not on in your heart. This won't go away and I think you believe by eradicating ex number 2 like ex 1 and 3 will make everything perfect as its so nearly perfect now. It won't. It sounds to me like he loves the attention and in the absence of exes bantering over him with his current partner well there's only one logical prediction to make. Not negative just pragmatic based on the facts and perspective you've given....

[AnyFucker]

look, it's not healthy for either of you to have so much of this "ex this, ex that...numbers 1, 2, 3, X, Y, Z" in your life

both of you sound like people who thrive on the drama to me

if you had healthy boundaries yourself, you would have walked away at the first hint of him pissing about with his ex girlfriends and cultivating "friendships" with them, despite them being apparently abusive /stalky/fucked up loons

and if he gave a shit about you, he's cut them out without another thought

however, you seem to think he is God's gift to Womankind so fair play to you. But I, and many others on this thread, beg to differ