my dad has just totally undermined my resolve -- hand-holding needed. Long, sorry...

[newnamesamegame]

H and I agreed to separate a couple of weeks ago.

Background to this is my growing disillusionment and unhappiness with him on multiple fronts

• refusal/inability to pull his weight financially (he walked out of a job 8-9 months ago with nothing to go to and has basically brought in no money and refused to be full time carer)
  
• refusal/unwillingness to spend quality time with family -- opting always either to veg in front of television or to go drinking with friends at weekends
  
• heavy drinking/smoking, despite the fact we have an asthmatic daughter
  
• infidelity (may or may not have involved physical infidelity) and online flirtations and inappropriate messaging of women
  
• a tendency towards verbal aggression when challenged. No physical aggression but he's said some pretty horrible things to me
  

I have been agonising over what to do for over a year and there have been some specific recent triggers over the past 2 or so months (involving verbal abuse and threats) which have convinced me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him and that his behaviour is not good for our daughter.

Anyway, this morning I finally plucked up the courage to tell my dad -- I've been worrying about this for months. He was sympathetic and loving, but basically said "don't do it unless you're really really sure you can't go on because you'll ruin your daughter's life...."

Context is that my dad was married before he met my mum, had two kids, left her for my mum. He maintains a reasonable relationship with his two sons and is a long way from being a deadbeat dad (he supported financially for a long time even though their mum didn't need money, always made time for them and was generally around) but has had issues with one of them and my half brother cites the divorce from his mum (which took place when he was about 10) as the main reason.

I have thought about this a lot and I think in my dad's case it was not so much the fact of the divorce itself as the way he conducted himself after the divorce. He was a good absent dad in most ways but he's a pompous, selfish so and so. And I think a lot of his issues with my half-brother are down to that.

And yet, having such a stark warning from my dad has set me back months and made me feel that I need to knuckle down, work at it, all the things I'm trying to deprogramme myself of.

Am I going to ruin my daughter's life if I do this? Or is it more likely to be ruined if my H remains in the home? I'm cracking up over this....

[Mabelface]

Keep on with your plans. Your father is wrong. children learn about relationships from their parents,and you leaving shows that the way your partner treats you is unacceptable.

[RandomNPC]

I think it would be very unreasonable to expect you to stay with this man. Your dad will have his own issues, best to ignore him really.

[sliceofsoup]

This is a very common reaction from family and friends when a relationship breaks down, and especially when it is abusive.

If your dad had been a fly on the wall I would think his response would have been different. And he is also projecting some of his own regrets onto you, which isn't fair.

I have written about this before, but I will say it again, my mother told me to give my ex another chance after he stole money from me and hit me. And his mother begged me to take him back after he terrorised me and our child in my house. He ended up with a suspended prison sentence for his actions that day, and in the middle of it all she was begging me to not call police and just take him back.

Keep strong. You have done the right thing.

[Dumpylump]

Your dd may well have issues with her dad in the future, but that would be down to his behaviour, not yours.
You could however, "ruin her life" if you stay with this man, miserable, being possibly cheated on, unsupported.........
Stay strong.

[FinallyHere]

I agree with the others, that your father's answer says much more about him and his life than about you.

Go for what you need to do for yourself and your DC, it will all work out fine once you get out from under abuse.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

I'm afraid to say your dad isn't trying trying to protect you From harm at all, and the knock on effect from that is harm to your child.

My dad was is a shit to my mum, but would virtually kill any man who tried to do the same to me, and twice now nearly has.
Your dd needs to be kept away from the influence your stbx holds over you and over her, she really doesn't need to be learning all these lessons.

There's nothing to work at if only one person is trying, bin the arse and teach your dd a Valuable lesson about self esteem boundaries and values. I see the fall out from these situations every week, kids need someone to take control seriously they don't miss a thing.

[Twinklestein]

He buggered off when it suited him, so why's he so keen to keep you trapped in something that is beyond repair?

Is he projecting his own guilt about leaving his marriage onto you?

Either way, what other people say is not important: you have to figure out in yourself what you need to do and ignore outsider's opinions who may have their own agenda.

[newnamesamegame]

Thanks everyone, very much appreciated.

I know my dad's approach to this is loaded with his own history.... just for the record, I don't think he's trying to persuade me to stay out of some patriarchal "stand by your man" response, he is wracked with guilt about his relationship with his son and also worried about my daughter.

That said, I'm fully aware that he is not unbiased and prone to using his own experience as a filter to view other people's lives. I'm trying really hard to discount this.

But what if he's right. Its just shocked me how much this has set me back. I was almost feeling happy, feeling very resolved and free and now I feel like a failure, a bad mother, all the rest of it. Is this just a blip I have to get through?

[YouPooPooBumBum]

You really are doing the right thing for and you daughter.
Stay strong, you are far, far away from being a failure or a bad mum. You are protecting your daughter.

[sliceofsoup]

Yes, it is just a blip.

I left my ex 6 years ago and I still feel very guilty at the life DD has, but I know that this life is way better than the life she would have had if I had stayed.

He might not have hit you, but it does sound like the abuse was escalating, and that would have been the next thing.

[Lemonylemon]

"But what if he's right."

He's not. He's not you. He hasn't had the same experience that you have. Keep on with your plans.

[hellsbellsmelons]

but he's a pompous, selfish so and so
This is really all you need to remember.
He doesn't have your best interests at heart because he hasn't lived what you have had to these past years.
You KNOW you are doing the right thing here.
For your and for your DD!

[AnyFucker]

remind us, is your dad married to your cheating abuser of a husband ?

tell him you don't need this emotional blackmail and ask if him he wants his own daughter to sacrifice her own health and wellbeing

[newnamesamegame]

I'm making him (my dad), sound worse than he is.

In fairness this is the first he has heard of any problems within the marriage--this is my fault as I have been keeping up a bit of a front.

I really don't think his intention is to persuade me to stay if I am genuinely unhappy. But the fact he is so worried has really rattled me.

I have thought a lot about the reasons his relationship with my brother is difficult and I am convinced it's much more complicated than it just being about the divorce. My dad is loving but very demanding, socially tone deaf and lacking in empathy.

But the fact that he is obviously scared and concerned on my behalf scares me.

[cozietoesie]

He's wrong - probably for a variety of reasons but just plain wrong.

It's not always easy realizing that your parents can make serious mistakes but you'll be a steadier person once you have his thoughts properly in perspective.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your Dad is wrong and wrong on so many levels to boot. His own perspective is not in itself healthy either.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what are you both teaching your child about relationships here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to model to her?.

[sliceofsoup]

If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows.

Totally agree with PPs. OP, you took action to protect yourself and your DD from abuse. It may feel like you ended the marriage, but you didn't. Your husband ended the marriage with his behaviour. The only person responsible for any unhappiness your daughter may feel is him.

[AdoraBell]

My mother Ruined my Life by not divorcing my father úntil I was 16.

And my DH and his siblings were messed up parents who are about To celebrate 60 years of marriage.

It's not divorce that messes kids up, it's the parents behaviour and your husband's behaviour is spot on for messing up a child's Life.

Stick To your original plans and divorce him regardless of your father's opinión on the matter.

[popalot]

Sounds like my ex!!! You are much better off on your own - your dd will benefit from being in a happy, safe environment with no verbal abuse and threats. And no smoke. And less drinking. Go for it.

[mummytime]

Your marriage is not a good place for your daughter to grow up.

What lessons is she learning every day? Women are less important than men. You can expect a partner to be all take and little/no give. As long as your partner gets his needs met, however he wants that is enough?

Why not talk to Women's Aid to get some help strengthening your resolve.

(Your father may be part of the reason you have stayed so long in such a dreadful situation.)

[Hoppinggreen]

My mum stayed with my ea father so as " not to upset the children"
Not only would our lives have been better if she had but now I feel responsible that she spent so long married to the arsehole!!!!
Your daughter will be fine

[newnamesamegame]

Interesting Hopping I have often thought it would have been better if my parents had not stayed together.

They did love each and he stayed with her and nursed her very lovingly through her final illness. But she felt very cowed by him and he had affairs.

I am just desperately scared of hurting my little girl.

[pocketsaviour]

Your dad is viewing this through a filter of him leaving his marriage due to him meeting another woman (your mum).

He is not taking into account that you are leaving due to abuse. If your dad's first wife had been horribly EA to him, he would probably understand more.

It sounds like he is still carrying a lot of guilt for walking out on his two sons, and that's making it hard for him to speak objectively.

You are doing the right thing, and I'm sure when your dad really thinks about it objectively, he will realise that too.

[cozietoesie]

....I am just desperately scared of hurting my little girl....

Just re-read your OP and think how those traits of his would be if applied even more strongly to her (and to you of course.) He's not going to improve any and will probably become significantly worse. What effect would even a few more years of that have on you both?

No - you are right and your Dad is wrong.

[Lottapianos]

Agree with everyone else - you and your daughter will be so much better off without this awful man. Your dad has no right whatsoever to project his own guilt onto you. I grew up in a family where the parents loathed each other but stayed because of 'marriage vows' and 'for the children' - I'm using quotes because they stayed for their own selfish reasons really. I would need all day to explain to you how much it messed me and my siblings up.

Get your daughter out of this awful situation. You have a right to be happy and to live a peaceful life. If your dad is going to continue to be unhelpful, I would have a very careful think about how much you tell him about what is going on. Good luck - you're doing the right thing x