Why does he feel so entitled??

[Balders74]

Am just amazed at the utter cheek of the man. He has spent the last 4 years not paying for anything while he lay on the sofa built his business.

We split 8 weeks ago & he has not moved out because he is a stubborn bastard had no where to go & couldn't afford it. He has now been accepted to rent a house & just needs to go & sign the tenancy. I found this out by being sneaky & he doesn't know that I know. So I asked him earlier if he has heard about the house & he said no!! Blatant lie. I don't want to force the issue because he will dig his heels in & I'm worried about what he'll do just to spite me.

When I went to see a solicitor she said we should separate our finances so I stopped paying his credit card which he had decided should be £200 pm!! The other day he announces that he is not paying it all this month because I have used it in the past. I pointed out that the reason I had used it was when we needed food or petrol & he was not providing. He said he can't move out & pay the credit card. The £200 is not the minimum amount & it is in his name. I am not paying his damn credit card.

A few weeks ago I changed the wifi password & he accused me of trying to sabotage his business because he could use his computer at home. So I gave him the password. I have 2 wifis, a standard one which is quite slow & a fibre one that is fast but has limited download allowance & is expensive but paid for through my business for work. I gave him password to the slow one. So tonight he has asked me for the password to the fast wifi. I said no you already have access to the other one, he was not happy.

He is living here for free but seems to feel that he is entitled to whatever he demands. Enough already, get the fuck out of my house & go & find out what the real world is like.

Sorry, rant over. It is like living with a spoilt brat.

[Balders74]

And as I lie in bed next to my DD who I have been sharing with for 8 weeks, he is downstairs SMOKING & the smell is drifting up the stairs & going all over the washing hanging up to dry! SELFISH, SMELLY FUCKWIT!!!!

[Cabrinha]

Check with your solicitor whether you can legally change the locks, then do it.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I can't see why you couldn't change the locks, he's got somewhere to go.

What an arsehole.

[Balders74]

I can't because even though he has paid next to fuck all for the 11 years we've lived here & it was money from my house that paid the deposit on this house, his name is on the deeds so annoyingly & unfairly it is 50% his.

I just have to bide my time. It is so close, the agency have said his tenancy can start next Friday but he has to go in 4 days before & pay the rest & deposit. He is just so not proactive & stubborn & i don't want to risk him not taking this house.

Softly, softly catchy monkey. Patience is not one of my strengths!!

[straighttothepoint]

You can protect whst money you put into the house so it is not necessarily 50/50. See a solicitor.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

With respect, he feels entitled in part because he's been indulged. You pay his credit card, let him 'build his business', allow him to contribute fuck all for 11 years.. and even now you're tip-toeing because you're worried about his reaction if you assert yourself. Mistake. I think it would be legitimate to let him know that you know that the house is ready and he has 4 days to pay the deposit etc. Say nothing and he'll let the deadline quietly slide by. I don't think he has any intention of moving out.

[AJNH]

Sadly agree with cogito !

[FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd]

i agree with cogito. where he is now is free and he will definitely feel entitled if his name is on the deeds. well done for changing the wifi password. You didn't tell him what it is after he kicked off I hope?

[pocketsaviour]

If he is smoking indoors, run in with a bucket of water and empty it over him. Then say "Oh sorry, I assumed something had caught fire since only complete fuckwits smoke around children."

(Yes I am evil, and yes I have done this, although not with a full bucket, mwahhahaha)

[nozzz]

Not sure that may be best; remember a thread where the OP had a glass of water thrown over them and folks adviced them to speak to the police regarding assault

[Fairenuff]

Cut off the wifi again. If he can't work without it he will have to move out. Don't do anything for him. Don't provide food or wash his clothes.

[Balders74]

You're right I have enabled him but I spent a long time trying to work out how could stop. I couldn't stop paying stuff in the hope he would step up because I knew he wouldn't. I had so many conversations with him about him giving me half of the mortgage payment each month but he would just say it depended on how much work came in & then didn't give me anything. I couldn't not pay the mortgage & bills because that would have affect the kids & I. And he knew this.

The problem is that I'm not suppose to know about the house situation. I asked last night if anything had happened & he said no. I am very tempted to give him a deadline & say I want him out by next weekend but my experience is that he will do the opposite of what I ask.

I have stopped doing everything for him. No washing, cooking etc.

I did give him the password to the slow wifi before when he kicked off because he says that if he can't work he'll never be able to afford to move out. He's an electrician so not entirely computer dependant although he needs it for quotes & things.

He has a masters degree in gaslighting. He is a bullying control freak & I need to get him out for my DC & my sake but I am in two minds about whether to push or not.

I went to see a solicitor in January who sent him a letter outlining my position & giving him 28 days to move out. He was livid & told me I can go fuck myself he wasn't going anywhere. I told him if he felt like that then I would leave with the DC but he would be responsible for paying for the house. That soon changed his mind & he started looking for somewhere. So the letter from the solicitor had the opposite effect.

She advised me that if he didn't go by then that I should start divorce proceedings but I am not ready for that yet.

[cozietoesie]

....She advised me that if he didn't go by then that I should start divorce proceedings but I am not ready for that yet.....

So you have a presence in the house who is bullying, a control freak and a freeloader and you split from him 8 weeks ago.

A straight question - what is going to make you 'ready' ? Gawd knows what all of this is doing to the DCs.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'I am not ready for that yet'

Sadly, he knows this. With no incentive to change behaviour, no deadline, no ultimatum and no realistic possibility of a divorce to bring things to a head he'll just exploit the limbo situation & carry on doing the same old same old.

Someone has to take the initiative and it's not going to be him.

[Fairenuff]

I did give him the password to the slow wifi before when he kicked off because he says that if he can't work he'll never be able to afford to move out.

Call his bluff. He has absolutely no intention of moving out anyway so you have nothing to lose.

He wants the wifi. That is something that you can control. Take charge of this one small aspect.

Turn it off and if he complains tell him he is free to move out and get his own wifi.

If he refuses and stays put, so what. That's what he's doing anyway. If he really can't work and his money dries up he will have an incentive to move out.

[mummymeister]

sadly Op you are still enabling him to be this way. turn the wifi off - now, just do it. tell him you know about the flat. why should it be a secret? as for the divorce, what does he have to do in the way of unreasonableness for you to be ready for this? clear out the accounts? change the locks and lock you out? sell all your stuff? he knows this so call his bluff. see the solicitor on Monday. tell her all the financial stuff and get her to put in writing about the flat and the need for him to move out. unless he thinks you mean it and that you are going to take him to the cleaners over the divorce this is never going to end. slowly slowly doesn't catchy monkey it just plays the game he wants you to.

[SilverFishFly]

As everyone else has already said - sadly he's never going to take action, your going to have to step up to the plate. And its not because your the breadwinner that your driving this seperation forward, but because your the honest one in the relationship who's no longer scared by his lies!

SET THE DIVORCE IN MOTION - IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL WORK.

[Balders74]

So things have just exploded! Firstly I have changed the wifi password. He now has no access.

I told him that I know about the house & he has been lying to me. He said it is none of my business. I pointed out that he is living in the house Scott free so it is my business. I told him I have changed the wifi password & he has until next weekend to move out or I will start divorce proceedings & change the locks. He knows I can't change the locks because his name is on the deeds & if I do that he will smash his way in. I told him not to threate me & he said it wasn't a threat.

He then got up & came really close to my face and shouted at me that he would move out in his own time & he would go to the estate agents when he had time (he's been in bed until 11.30 & now sat on the sofa) and was that clear.

I told him not to shout at me and threaten me & he said I don't listen so he has no choice.
I asked why it doesn't bother him that he is taking the piss by living here & not paying anything, he just said it doesn't.

I told him I don't want him smoking in the house & he said he doesn't care. When I said it was going on the kids clothes that they have to wear he started on about me not caring about the kids health anyway because of the state of the house!! Same shit, different day.

So I've told him, let's see if it gets me anywhere. Feel like shit.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Start the divorce proceedings.

When he moves into another flat, that flat is his residence, and the house is your residence, so yes you can then deny him access. Owning a house does not grant the owner access to that house: think about it, a landlord cannot waltz into their tenant's flat at will.

This is why it is urgent for you that he moves out. Into his own residence. So that the house is your residence, although it still remains joint property. Property and residence are 2 different things.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Are you serious about starting the divorce next week if he doesn't make the move? That's really what all this hinges on. If he doesn't think that is a serious ultimatum, nothing will change.

[Fairenuff]

If he is violent or aggressive towards you, the court can order him out of the house even if it's in his name. Could you call the non emergency police and ask them to log your call that he has threatened you. Just so that it's on record. They don't need to take any other action right now if you don't want them to.

On Monday, tell your solicitor too and they can set the wheels in motion to have him removed from the house.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Don't tell him this, btw. Entitled arses don't like letting go of anything that they think of as "theirs".

My entitled arse of an ex-H would frequently say: "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine." He meant it, too. Your H reminds me of him.

I loved it when the legal system took over, and it was the law of the land that determined what was, in fact, mine or his. Very restful, dispassionate and fair.

Get the divorce going.

[Balders74]

Yes I am serious about the divorce. I was trying to be too nice & not seem like the bad one in all of this but fuck that. He is a vile bully & I told him that. He was most pissed off because I caught him out in a lie & so had to try to get the upper hand by being physically dominant. I am only 5ft 3, he is 6ft & 20 stone so by looming over me & shouting I my face he was exerting his control. I didn't react at all just asked him when he moved away if that had made him feel like a big man.

This next week is going to be awful. I have been submissive in the hope that he will leave but I have kicked the hornets nest now & he can be nasty. But if it gets him out the it will be worth it.

[mummymeister]

Balders74. you have done the right thing but now you have started on this path you have to keep going. the most important thing is to keep yourself and your dc safe. shouting at you like he did should be logged with the police. no need to press any charges but just make them aware. it means that if he does do something stupid either to you or eg tries to bash the door in, he is already on the system and the police will respond accordingly. how many threads are there on MN where someone doesn't report the first incident and then wishes they had. stop trying to be nice to him and start being nice to yourself by sorting this mess out. yes, next week will be awful and no doubt there will be a couple of other awful weeks to come before you get him out of your life. but then, OP, you will have years and years without him. good luck

[Balders74]

He disappeared off with our DD this morning & she has told me they went to sign the tenancy agreement. She is very upset & has said she doesn't want him to go & is being horrible.

I am a bit at a loss because he has made her life hell for years & she has wanted him gone for so long. She is 14 & very hormonal so I think it is all mixed up in her head. She desperately craves his approval which she is now only starting get while he is being Disney Dad.

So hopefully things are starting to move. I text him & told him that his behaviour this morning just confirmed that I had made the right decision! No more Mrs nice guy!