DH has told me it's over - rightly - and still not rock bottom

[Sanguis]

I gave up drinking for lent. Except the first chance I had I got drunk (my friend had to drive me home, she won't return my texts, we were at the cinema! No reason for me to drink). Drank all day yesterday even as DH was telling me I was disgusting. Slept or drank. Missed the whole day, DCs totally aware.

Last weekend was a competition for DC2, all the team's parents in one hotel, I can't write what I did because I am too ashamed but I humiliated my child in front of his teammates/humiliated myself in front of the other parents, DH says that's when he knew there was no going back.

DH - crying - said last night that he's only with me because we are out of the UK, he has applied for a transfer to go back and when we do he wants a divorce, he is scared for the DCs to have me as a mother, there is nothing left of the woman he loved.

The alcohol is my attempt to avoid life, I do know that. I have been calling and calling the one psychiatrist our health insurance will cover but no callback. I don't have a GP.

My children have worse than nothing for a mother, honestly. It's not even that I don't know what to do - I know the steps, stop drinking, seek help if I can't, see a psychiatrist, make an effort not to yell at the DCs and be pointlessly nasty, leave the bloody house sometimes.

I feel like I have done it on purpose, pushed and pushed until DH has stopped loving me, the DCs are irrevocably damaged (WHY??? Why have I done this?), and now what? What is the sick impulse? What does my brain get out of it?

Anyway now it's today and now what. I am sitting here self-loathing and self-pitying and desperately sorry but not sorry enough, clearly. And posting this - not sure why either. I love the idea of a big redemption narrative but not enough to have made the effort to achieve one.

I thought this would be rock bottom but it's clearly not. What do I think 'rock bottom' will do anyway? Magically give me willpower and impetus.

I hate myself so much. Any second now the children will be up and I will have to watch DH be unable to look at me. I've drunk most of a bottle of vodka and refilled it with water so he won't know (hah), and still can't sleep.

I am so sorry to hear this. But you know what you have to do, and you know that only you can do it.

In my life, rock bottom has been a hard surface to kick myself off again, like the bottom of a swimming pool. You'll know it when you get there, and I think it DOES give you impetus, just like you say. Good luck.

I'm sad to read your post you need help but only you can ask for and get it. If i was you, I'd ask husband to help me get on a plane back to the uk where you can access the help you need in a system you know about. Leave the children with him Where they are safe.

Thankyou for replying. I am so lonely right now and typing is better than drinking. I know what I have to do but I don't want to do it. Literally, if I was outside looking in I would shake some sense into me but I won't make the bloody effort. Haven't so far and no desire to do so now. Beneath contempt.

I have a mother like you. 37 years on she's still the same.

Only you can sort this, when you accept you have a drinking problem and take the steps to sort yourself out then you are on a recovery journey. But unless you want to help yourself and do help yourself then you will never change.

Will your dh take the children with him?
Will they dread waking up to you putting drink first?

Do you want to stop drinking? Or do you want to continue living in your own world where only you are important?

I don't have anything to say that will help you.

Can you get a GP?

Unfortunately your H is doing the right thing protecting your DC and himself.

I hope you find your rock bottom soon before it is too late and start again.

Going back to the UK on my own is an interesting idea. If DH will speak to me today I will ask him what he thinks.

I'm sorry your life has hit such a low ebb. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, ith for the sufferer and for anyone closely connected to them. Hope you find the motivation to seek help.

I have no advice but I am experiencing this from your husbands POV. DP has had a drink problem since Ive known him (7 years) which escalated over the years. We split up for a year because of it and when we got back together, he quit drinking. In the last 3 months he has started drinking again and it is going from bad to worse. Last night he took the car to a local pub for a game of pool with his friends. He said he was going to drink squash. He arrived home at 2.30am (he had driven the car home drunk although I wasn't aware of this until 10 mins ago. I assumed he had got taxi). Once he came home, I went back to bed, and woke up at 7.30am this morning and there was no sign of him. His mum brought him home 15 mins ago. He had driven the car to his brothers house at 3am and they have both been drinking and taking class A drugs. This is a weekly occurrence.
I have just called off our wedding. I have no idea what I'm going to do. There isn't a lot I can do until DP changes for good.

You can change this, as can my DP.

PLease. For the sake of your kids. Even if you and your DH end up divorcing, you need to do this for your children.

I know I need to sort this. Divorced or not, it's not like my poor kids get another mother.

The kicker is my mother is JUST LIKE THIS and I hate her. And I still turned myself into her. So my children will turn into me? Oh jesus.

Why you're on self destruction course?

1. Being an alcoholic is an illness you won't beat without professional help
2. Somewhere deep down you feel you don't deserve to be happy. Therapy could help you find out why.

Maybe your rock bottom will be the divorce. To have pushed your dh to the point of no return.

BatCrap oh god I am so sorry. You are so amazing to comment on a thread like this when you are dealing with what you are. I hope your DP realises what he is risking and turns it around.

God I am such a hypocrite. I would ask your DP, why do you want the drink/drugs more than your lovely family? But I can't answer that myself.

OP - sorry to hear this. Have you access to any help at all? I drink so rarely it doesn't register but that is because I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather.

What are your options now?

Jeezus, I find this really difficult to read. Sanguis, you don't need a stranger to tell you how awful your behaviour is, but my God your poor husband and your poor children. I am really shocked.

What on earth will it take for you to get help? How much do you want to destroy other people? Why do you think your family deserve so little? I know coffeebeanie has it right with her point 2 but how bloody sad for all of you.

It's interesting you say about destroying other people. I am such an angry person, always jealous of happy people, always wishing harm on others. I think I am very very very - evil is too strong but I am not normal. Why build this lovely life and then destroy it?

It's a good question. I take no pleasure in it I swear but clearly I meant to do it on some level.

Oh dear, love. You need help.

Alcoholism is an illness. You wouldn't try to get better from a physical illness without help, so don't expect to be able to recover from this alone.

I think the idea of you returning to the UK alone is a good one. In the meantime, does AA hold meetings in the country in which you live?

I feel so sorry for you. I wish I could let you know you are worth a happy life. We all are

You sound so wretched, op. You need help and fast. Would you have more of a support system in the UK? Family, friends? I ask because your situation mirrors that of an old friend of mine and her problems got worse when they lived abroad, partly due to being lonely.

Your children won't necessarily turn in to you. I don't drink. My dad once asked me why I didn't drink, my reply "I don't want to turn out like my mother!"

It is a cycle which can be broken. Doesn't stop me mourning the relationship I would have loved with my mum though.

It might sound trite, but have you read a book called When Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

It's about the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

You sound like your relationship with your mum has left you on a self destructive path.

It might be a short term help while the bigger stuff is being organised.

Going back to the Uk would be 'worse' (no friends, can't think why! Family worse than me), but would get me away from the DC which would be good for them I think? And a system I understand.

AA does exist here though not in my language, there is one meeting in my language but not easy to get to. But to be seen to do something??

I have isolated myself and my family by moving here and acting as I do. The DC can't have friends over because of me. It is worse than my mum was.

I am so glad to hear that the kids won't necessarily end up like this.

It's weird because my mum hates me. And now I am just like her! At long last. Jesus.

I'd move hell or high water to get yourself to an AA meeting OP. Not to be seen to be doing something, but to get actual help. Your suggestion that it would be 'to be seen to be doing something' suggests that you won't think it is about you but about what it looks like to other people.

You absolutely need to get help for YOU.

I can relate to this, but for my eating.

I self sabotage a but I understand why a little more. One function of my eating is that it is is a self imposed punishment.

No addiction is as easy as just stopping. We do it for our own reasons. Having worked out what those reason are, we can simultaneously work to fix that within ourselves (which takes time) and seek less destructive ways to gain what we need.

Dump all the judgement, both yours and his, and get pragmatic about the situation for the sake of your DC, as well as yourself
Going back to UK on your own sounds like an idea, especially as you seemed interested in that possibility?
Good luck x