I want a partner and children - how do I get my act together?

[Timeforachange1]

I'm 30, took a year off dating to clear my head and work on myself, and while I am by no means perfect (still have lots of stuff I want to work on in therapy) I am having very strong pulls to get back out there and meet people romantically. Have had two serious relationships during my twenties (although one was more serious to me than him! hence the break up) but also had a reasonable amount of casual fun.

Bearing in mind it can take years to find the right person for the long haul and have children with, I feel I need to get my shit together and get a move on with the fertility clock ticking away. Fully aware the right person will probably not just come along without me doing anything, so need to put in some effort. I have read here a few times where women have said they almost treated finding a partner like a part time job. What exactly does that mean?

Because I've been away from the whole relationships scene for a while, I'd be happy to have some flings with nice decent people along the way and will just enjoy meeting interesting people, so I don't think I'll give off desperate vibes. I know myself a lot better in some ways now, in terms of knowing I won't tolerate bullshit. While I am lonely at times (in a sexual or romantic way - not lonely for friendship, I have lovely friends) I won't settle for just anybody.

Thinking of joining online dating (probably okcupid and guardian soulmates) and going to meetup events when I can.

Any other ways I should be proactive about this?

Am I being daft thinking I'd be happy to have a fling here or there if the person is respectful and kind, even though we may not be compatible long term - am I too old and too short of time to focus on anything else but finding a long term partner if I want children?

Any advice in general?

[Wrapdress]

There is a branch of my family where the women feel very strongly about being in marriages. So, when a marriage ends due to death or divorce, they are very proactive and goal oriented on finding a new mate.

They sign up for online dating. They only look for long term partners, not flings. They eliminate men quickly who aren't suitable. They are very open and honest with the men about what they are looking for. They will meet several men a week. It's very goal oriented. They don't mess around. They are very decisive. They will have replacement mates in less than a year. So, it's certainly possible.

[holdyourown]

Good for you OP on getting your act together so far. I'd not go down the path of 'treating it as a part time job' as you have a fair bit of time to meet someone and I'm sure it'll happen when the time is right. Dating sites and meetup sounds great. How about taking this time to think about some new hobbies- maybe something you've always wanted to do, singing, rock climbing, whatever it is, as you'll meet people that way. I'd just look at expanding your social circles, doing new things, maybe planning a trip on your own. Good luck

[milkpudding]

I think joining clubs where you will socialise with men regularly- you can get to know them over time, rather than a first date environment. Mixed sports clubs are good.

I know lots of people who met their partner by online dating, usually after going on many other dates. The sites you pay for will probably attract more people looking for a relationship.

Ask your friends if they know anyone they could introduce you to.

If there are any male friends you once fancied but lost touch with, get back in contact, who knows....? (This is how my DH and I finally got together).

If you have any "issues" with relationships, now would be a great time to seek therapy.

I found the book The Single Trap by Andrew Marshall helpful.

I do like the idea of treating Looking For A Husband as an important task. I have known several long term single people who say they want a partner, but very rarely put themselves in situations where they meet new people, and so they generally stay single.

[milkpudding]

Oh sorry I just saw that you are already planning to go for therapy. I was having therapy when DH and I started dating and it was really helpful in the early stages of our relationship.

[Timeforachange1]

Thanks all for the replies

Wrapdress, I think that sounds very exhausting! But impressive they can get new partners in such a small amount of time. They must be very determined. I could not see myself behaving in this way, I would find it very stressful rather than enjoyable!

I guess I want to take it quite seriously in terms of making an effort - like Milkpudding says, I will stay single if I don't put myself in positions where I meet new people - but more hoping somebody lovely will come along once I'm getting out there giving myself a chance to meet them, rather than I-will-find-a-husband-at-all-costs mentality because that's just not me. I'm not sure if I am making much sense.

Holdyourown, yes definitely going to work on expanding social circles. There are a few hobbies I've wanted to try for ages so am going to look into them. And I think what you say about the time being right is true too, providing I'm taking steps to help myself.

I think what's concerning me is my age even though I'm not exactly old. But even when you meet someone you really click with...well, there tends to be a couple of years before you reach the baby making stage. I just feel I don't have that long and it's worrying me a bit.

When I hit 34 if I am still single I will probably start moving on having a child on my own, to allow for a few years of attempts and whatever unexpected complications might happen. But ideally, partnership with somebody I love and sharing the experience of parenthood will happen before then.

[Timeforachange1]

Thank you!

I'm really not the sporty type at all though, apart from I would like to some day be able to do a park run/ 5k thing without dying! Also would be interested in doing some self defence classes, and depending on the club they can sometimes have quite a high amount of men. So maybe they could be potentials.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Rock climbing is often quite sociable, caters to all abilities and has plenty of men. Ditto cycling, mountain biking or walking. I think your approach sounds very sensible. Good luck OP

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Running club. Most have 5k sessions, good social club and men.

[rookiemere]

I'd recommend joining the Junior Chamber of Commerce. Don't be put off by the title it's basically a group of under 40s with networking and social occasions. I joined it to meet men . I actually ended up meeting DH through online dating but I had gained a lot of confidence through chamber. They have it in most cities if you google it.

[Timeforachange1]

Thanks!

Running club and Junior Chamber of Commerce sound like good ideas!

I have also tonight bitten the bullet and joined Guardian Soulmates They had a deal, 50% off, so I have joined for six months. I have put up a few photos (they wouldn't seem to let me put up the original one I wanted for my profile pic as I had sunglasses on, but oh well) and written a fairly succinct bit about myself that sums up key points, I feel. But If I get zero interest at all over the next while I will revise my profile, and might ask for some opinions here.

[DollyRocker1]

rookiemere can I ask what sort of activities you've done through JCI? I've looked into joining before but wasn't sure the level of commitment expected.

timeforachange I'm in a similar position to you although a few years older. I'm trying to be more focused with choices now - both career wise and with regard to relationships.

[Timeforachange1]

DollyRocker - it's hard, isn't it? Juggling the fact that you know what you want ideally, but wanting to not rush into anything and then wondering about being realistic in terms of time.

Here's hoping we both hit success

[KristinaM]

My tip is to work out the difference between essential and desirable and attributes in men

I know women who list things like " must be at least 2" taller than me / must have dark hair " as essential and won't even consider a man who isn't. But if you ask them

"If you met the most perfect man in the world for you and he was the same height as you or had blond hair ,woudl you turn him down ? "

They all say "no of course not " . Whereas others don't even have a list of things that I woudl consider a bare minumim eg must be single , must have a steady job

for me, I'm more concerned anout a man's character eg is he honest, does he speak and act respectfully towards the women in his life , is he kind, what's his work ethic

Having the same hobbies and liking the same films is an added bonus, but I don't know many marriages that have failed because the partners liked to listen to different music. I know lots that have failed because of unkindness or dishonesty .

Know what your absolutely deal breakers are , red flags that woudl make you walk away .

[Nextwednesday]

The person I know who did this took it very seriously and did not entertain flings or anything casual. She did online dating and made it clear on first meeting that she was interested in settling down and having children quickly.

She did meet someone and they moved in together within the year and she got pregnant soon after. (Not a rosy ending to it all but that's not the point.)

I admired her for being honest and direct with the men she met and not having a see how it goes attitude which would not have got her what she wanted.

[dogelove]

Any sort of sports club. Seriously! Whether it's squash, climbing or running or whatever - make an effort to join the regulars on the socials, etc.

You could try joining a few in your area, then whittling them down to the one or two that you really enjoy.

One of the best ways to meet people is through others. A brother of a friend, a house mate of a friend, etc etc. I have to say though that I am not a big fan of internet dating at all, so maybe I am biased.

[Timeforachange1]

Thank you.

Have just checked my GS and out of the three friendly messages I sent last night, nobody has replied. They have all looked at my profile though Maybe I'm saying the wrong thing in my opening line? What's the done thing?! I've just said, I like your profile and made a comment about whatever it is that appealed to me, in terms of books they mention/ places they have travelled to etc.

It's been years since I've done this! I met a long-term ex online and can't even remember if he approached me or if I him in the first instance!

Also I totally agree with now having a clearer picture of my essential criteria in a partner, so that helps. While I'm using a line about books we both like or whatever in my introductory message, that's only if I feel from what they have written they are respectful, decent and treat people well. Of course that could all be bullshit written to reel women in but at this point it's all I have to go on! Have put in my profile too that kindness is extremely important to me. So I think I'm being clear.

While I do want a partner ideally, I'm definitely not aiming at moving in with someone within a year closely followed by children. I just can't make myself be that goal-orientated about it all...I want to meet someone nice, get to know them. But then if it all falls apart after say 3 years, I'm a bit fucked then sorry I keep going on about it but my age is really starting to worry me!

Maybe if I haven't met anyone I feel sure of, who feels sure of me, in 2 years then I need to up the ante and go hardcore into finding husband/father material.

This is stressful when I think on it!

[rookiemere]

Dollyrocker1 - or anyone really who wants to know about Junior Chamber. It varies from town to town but in the one I attended there was a variety of events from social evenings such as pub, bowling etc, some self improvement stuff - I quite like that so often attended those, voluntary work and then debating (which I avoided as hate public speaking). If you get more involved in it they have national and international conferences, it can be as big or as little as you want it to be.

For me, I attended an all girls school and despite reaching adulthood, had never got round the view of men as something other and different . I ended up as membership director ( which always looks good on CVs) and that really forced me out of my shell as I had to interact with all potential new members in a social way if that makes sense. As I say , I didn't meet DH through it, but I feel it gave me much more social confidence on dates and helped me to develop a much more positive mental attitude about myself.

When I did OD I waited for the guys to contact me ( very old school I'm afraid) and after a few time wasters with protracted email and telephone contact, I was quite keen to either meet up for a quick coffee to see if there was a spark and if they weren't or there wasn't I'd move on.

I tried speed dating and it wasn't for me, although I did get a boost by scoring more than my friend .

Interestingly DH was friends with friends, so I might have met him organically, so there is something to be said for making friends and family aware that you wouldn't be averse to meeting someone new.

[DollyRocker1]

Rookiemere thanks for telling us more about the Junior Chamber. Sounds just up my street. I don't like public speaking either but will need to present more in more senior roles so would be good practice. I'd also like to get involved in some community projects.

Timeforachange I'm also on Soulmates. Had a few dates over a 3 month period. The last one I contacted him. I generally find that the guys that approach me online are older than I would feel comfortable dating, but that seems par of the course.

[MajesticWhine]

Coming at this from a slightly different angle OP, wondered what your relationship style has been like in the past. Do you tend to end up with the wrong types? Do you tend to be quite full on in relationships, jealous, or insecure, or perhaps want more closeness than the other person. Or do you maybe tend to avoid getting close to people or dump the other person if you feel it's getting too serious. Because if you feel you have issues with relationships (not suggesting that you do at all by the way) then at this juncture, it might be useful to consider these questions, and understand your strengths and vulnerabilities in relationships. If any of this sounds of interest, then have a look into it. This article is a good start.

[DollyRocker1]

Rookiemare just to say I joined the London JCI. Been to a couple of events and already joined the training team and signed up for a European event. Think this is going to be perfect for me. So glad I heard about it from you. Thank you.

[Trills]

It's a mnoth later - how are things going?

[springydaffs]

I have a friend - admittedly she is 37 - who is very proactive about meeting someone. She calls it 'boyfriend homework' and is dead serious. She joins everything, sees a life coach (not just for boyf work but career etc), OD. She puts herself out there and, yes, moves on quickly if she meets a time-waster.

I should take a leaf out her book.