Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm not sure what to do anymore

37 replies

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 19:48

This is probably trivial in the grand scheme of things but it's really peeved me off.

Was meeting DP to go food shopping tonight after work. I arrived at morrisons and parked the car, he kept telling me to pull further back into the space, it was fine I used my mirrors and was happy with my parking.
DP then demanded I moved the car back.. I told him no it's fine lets go shopping, he then got a bit huffy jumped in my car and moved it back by letting handbrake off I had the key. It rolled back about 1cm (car park is on the flat) at this point I realised he was on a shit mood and I didn't want to shop with him. I told him this and left.

Back story.

He's been away overnight with work, I'd been told earlier horse ad minor colic but was ok.. Anyway my mood maybe not at its best

So I went to horse then came home.
He's come home with weekly shop for himself and nothing for me. Ie no lunch foods NOTHING. I've aske him for money so I can buy food he said no.. Be no cash for food, I pay household bills less food everymonth so I've no cash.

I've told him I'm done with his childish attitude and given him my engagement ring back.. Stupid I know.. Told him to sleep in spare room as I've had enough of him.

He's the silent type in an argument infact he just ignores me which makes me mad.

Been together 5yrs in the last 18mnths we've had sex twice (if you can call it that, very quick little foreplay (not for want of trying) and soon as the deed is done he's on the shower dressed and downstairs.

So lovely people...
Am I over reacting... In the big picture to other looking in we get on great, I normally want for nothing (alert from sex) and he puts me first.

Can I have a hug.. No one to talk to and it's all messed up.

Sorry for typos and lack of grammar I'm on my mobile

OP posts:

Report

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 30/01/2015 19:52

Hug for you!

If it just a one off then I'd say he is being childish but not a huge deal. But he does sound quite controlling. Is he? Has he ever withheld food or money before?

Why no sex? That would be a big sign for me that something is wrong unless there is a clear reason (e.g. Medical) and some dialogue on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 19:55

Neither of you sound happy.

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 19:56

No he's never controlling. Should I apologise? Am I in the wrong?

Ive no idea about why no sex. He says he loves is attracted to me, I've tried flirting, not flirting and nothing.. Makes no difference, I've tried talking about it, but he's so hard to talk to about 'personal' stuff, Iyswim

Feel stupid ..

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2015 19:57

Do you work, OP? This sounds like all sorts of problems.

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 19:57

All I want when he comes home is a kiss a hug and a how was your day,

OP posts:

UncrushedParsley · 30/01/2015 19:58

Financial abuse and controlling 'willy waving' over parking the car. You are not over reacting .

Cabrinha · 30/01/2015 19:59

Leaving else you've said aside, I have one thing to say to you and I think it's really important.

DON'T marry someone you can't have a personal conversation with!!!

It's the very definition of marriage to me - someone you can say anything to.

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 19:59

Yes I work full time and so does he, his hours are long, up at 4:30am home at 6pm of if a night out (he's a driver) home the following afternoon. He used to work Saturdays but he's stopped that as we wouldn't have quality time togethr on a weekend.. I get he's tired..

OP posts:

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 30/01/2015 20:00

Time to start thinking if this is the future you want then. Is it the idea of the relationship, or the reality. You shouldn't have to "perform" to try to get sex. Can you marry someone who won't have sex with you? Some people can, but I don't see the appeal.

It doesn't sound as though you should apologise, but you were there. What is your instinct?

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:05

I can say anything to him, it's that he doesn't reply back..

Eg..

Me: I think we need to discuss what's happeing, I'm not happy about the lack of intimacy, is something wrong? Are you not attracted to me? Is something else going on etc ( not exact words but you get the pic )

Him: everything's fine, yes I'm attracted to you, no nothing's wrong.
Me: well something's wrong
Him: don't be silly.. Then changes subject leaves the room.

I follow to to continue and he blanks me or say he doesn't know what else to say.

I get annoyed and leave it.

OP posts:

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:09

I don't feel I shod say sorry, for what parking my car???

I feel I should say sorry for giving him ring back and telling him to sleep in spare room, that was churlish on my behalf.

I feel he should apologise for trying to control my driving
I feel he should apologise for not getting me food whilst shopping, thus was churlish on his behalf..

It's a bit tit for tat huh..

OP posts:

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 30/01/2015 20:10

Well he is really being open with you.he is stonewalling you and ignoring your feelings about something important. That is not OK.

If you feel there are enough positive in the relationship to make it worth the work, you could ask hi to go to counselling with you. I'd be surprised if he said yes, but you don't have anything to lose.

Life with someone who stonewalls you, does show care for your feelings and doesn't have sex with you sounds lonely.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 30/01/2015 20:11

No, it isn't tit for tat.

You were expressing upset and frustration over his behaviour and the state of your relationship.

He was, well, being a dick.

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:12

He wouldn't go to counselling, I quite often tell him about stuff I e read on here, I've casually asked, 'would you ever go to counselling' he said no way..

OP posts:

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:14

Aargh he's so bloody stubborn!

He's gone to bed, not the spare one.. Not sure how I should interprate that..

OP posts:

HootyMcTooty · 30/01/2015 20:15

The parking thing sounds like the straw that broke the camels back to me.

It sounds like you're in a very unhappy relationship with a controlling man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 20:17

It's that old bugaboo.... compatibility. All relationships involve compromise but it's a two way thing if it's done right. You seem to be stuck in a very one sided arrangement, there's no scope for compromise, the communication is nil and that's not a long term prospect.

It's a pity when someone appears to be ideal apart from one fatal flaw...

Joysmum · 30/01/2015 20:21

What do you mean you don't know how to interpret it?

I'm afraid you've been conditioned and trained good and proper.

You don't have conversations or sex, he orders you about then withholds money by not doing the full shop and refusing to reimburse, now he's deliberately doing what he knows you didn't want.

You're being shat all over from a great night and can't even see it, that's the truly disturbing thing.

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:24

I just meant I'm not sure why he's not gone on the spare room..

OP posts:

scarletforya · 30/01/2015 20:25

Overnight away with work and no sex. I'd be checking his phone or looking for a hidden phone...

bitbybitbybit · 30/01/2015 20:28

TnB here's a big HUG for you love.
I could have written this myself 5years ago (been with DH 8yrs)...i think he is controlling in a very "subtle" indirect way if i can call it that...
â?¢he withdraws (no sex)
â?¢he ignores your needs intentionally and refuses to give you money when he knows you totally depend on it....
â?¢he won't accept the decisions u make for yourself (was the car thing one of many occasions on which he just won't let go?)

I think i could only be right if these things seem to be a pattern with him. If not (if its just the rare sex) and you genuinely feel happy with saying YES to being engaged/married then maybe you're both just having a bad week.

You will know it if something doesn't feel right between you two....as you read your replies deep down you will know that something is just not right.

What do you think. I hope this doesn't make you sad xx

bitbybitbybit · 30/01/2015 20:34

Joysmum harsh but true...he didn't go in the spare room because if somebody is going to dictate, it's going to be him. Not you. That's the message behind it i think hun. He's quite controlling and he wants you think you're overreacting and it's working because he didn't raise his voice or shout so you feel bad. Don't its a manipulative trick...google about and get to know more about this type of behaviour it will help you im sure

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:37

I know things aren't right,

He's not cheating I can use his phone check messages, Internet etc he's very open and honest.

He is or was my perfect man. Or so I thought.
He gave me money £80 so I could get my hair done tomorrow.. He wanted me to have a treat. He goes without to provide for us.

I love him.. More than anything and I want us to be together. Can I live with out sex... I honestly don't know...

OP posts:

scarletforya · 30/01/2015 20:42

He gave you money to get your hair done but you have no food?

He doesn't want sex and treats you with contempt, you're still going to marry him?

TnBiscuits · 30/01/2015 20:45

I think you got it wrong... It's a one off.. He bought shopping but nothing specific for me .. Normally we ways shop together. I asked for money so I could get my bits he didn't get, he said no, you werent there so tough...

It's not like we have 'no' money, I gave savings he's not starving me.. He was being a dick. He's not done that before either..

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.