Finding out a cheat? porn, dating sites etc.....

[3rdbump]

Hi everyone.

So going off my previous thread, i thought i may start another one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2291901-pregnant-lonely-and-a-not-very-nice-partner

So things have been quite since sunday, he has been sleeping on the sofa.
No apologies or no saying he was out of order etc....

Just went to login to my emails and his was already up so i thought i would have a sneak. Looked in the junk folder and found he has signed up to a porn type/dating site?
Its called snapsext and basically full of women with their bits out etc....he has created a profile but looks like he stopped as its one of those ones where you have to pay to read msgs etc.....he has however filled in what he is looking for , there are no pics of himself and as far as am aware you have to sign up and pay to send messages, he has ticked boxes to meet ups and threesomes etc in our area.
He only joined on the 15 jan too.
I am without a doubt sure that he has loads more to hide on his personal FB and on his phone. He is very secretive with it.
Porn does not bother me, however dating sites and seemingly actively looking in the area bothers me as would messaging other women on FB.

I did find out he had signed up to some porn sites a year or so again but the dick had used my card and never realized they took money and i called my bank who told me it was an adult entertainment site, he had no choice but to own up that time. I wasnt mad, as i said its the dating sites and actively seeking to meet up that would bother me - thats when the line has been crossed IMHO

Whats the best way to handle this? i dont know his passwords for FB or his FB email account.
He will just deny deny deny though, i have taken a pic on my phone of the laptop of his profile.
Its horrible snooping, the whole time my heart felt as though it would beat out of my chest and my hands where shaking, scared of what else was on that site (what he had messaged) but there where none on there.

Ideas please? WWYD?
I need to know what he is up too.

[Joysmum]

I would tell him to leave. How many more times does he have to show you who he is before you believe him?

[RandomNPC]

Who cares if he denies it? You've found the evidence, he's guilty all right. What do you want here? I remember your other thread, he sounds like a right twat.

[RandomNPC]

And he used your card to pay for a porn site last year?
Bright lad, isn't he.

[Fontella]

According to you 'he's a first class arsehole', who prefers 'getting pissed with his mates down the pub' than being with you, he treats you like shit, doesn't help around the house, he calls you 'a c**t' amongst other things, he a proven liar, he has an online porn habit that you know about, and you have now found evidence of him on hook up sites looking for threesomes in your area and you say 'without doubt that he has loads more to hide on his personal FB and on his phone', which he is very secretive with.

What advice exactly is it you are looking for?

[3rdbump]

Am i over-reacting though over this porn thing? i feel like i need to find bigger things as this could be the tip of the ice-berg. Hormones are everywhere at the moment, its hard to deal with being pregnant and all this additional stress, hard to know if i am blowing everything out of proportion
Part of me says leave it theres no point as i dont really want this relationship
next i am thinking - i want to know what he has done and if he has been cheating
then its oh everything will be okay just bumble along as its easier than coping alone
shall i confront him or not?

[Drew64]

Don't tell him to leave yet...
Tell him you want the account names and passwords for everything...EVERYTHING!
When he says no, because he will then tell him it's time he started looking for somewhere else to sleep rather than clutter up your sofa.

Men cannot continue to do these things behind their wives backs, you are either open and honest about it or you don't partake.

And no it's not a rant, I've been there, done that, realised what I was (insert appropriate expletive) and am now totally open and honest as is my wife.

[Jan45]

What more do you need to find, this creep has exactly zero respect for you and is actively cheating behind your back, no to mention all the other crap, surely being single is better than putting up with this shit.

[RandomNPC]

What more evidence do you need? You're in a relationship with him, not prosecuting him.

[Fontella]

Are you over-reacting?

No, you're under-reacting.

What more proof do you need to tell you he's a pig, a waste of space, just tell the fucker to go or go yourself.

You're pregnant - think about your unborn child and the kids you already have instead of all this drama and confrontation with this arsehole.

[Vivacia]

Why would you need (any more) evidence?

[alabastergirl]

No you are not over reacting. Tbh the porn use would be enough for many women to end this relationship.

I agree that any more evidence is pointless.

[Nextwednesday]

You keep letting him off, giving him too many chances. You weren't 'mad' about the adult entertainment site. Why the hell not? You are avoiding sending him packing and I understand why but he doesn't deserve your tolerance and understanding.

[3rdbump]

Tonight after the kids are in bed i am going to show him what i found, then as Drew64 said ask for passwords to his accounts, if he is honest he will tell me them - if i find anything i dont like that will be the end. It will give me the final shove to go.
Why does he have to be like this?? been together 12 years and he will go through these phases but this will be the final straw if i find what i am looking for.
As for needing more evidence - i dont want to throw away 12 years over one porn site.
:( this is going to be difficult.

I know i put up with alot of shit - drinking and being a tit is one thing, cheating is a whole different kettle of fish.

[Jan45]

And why is signing up to porn sites ok, he is spending family money probably on webcams etc, what else would he be paying for, porn is basically free on the net and you can find anything.

Sorry OP, it just sounds like a bag of old crock, you pretending you are calling him out, when in fact what will happen is he will give you a half hearted apology, if you are lucky and you will be told to calm the fuck down and forget all about it - until the next discovery of course.

Until you actually value yourself over this prick, he will continue to put his needs way before yours, that will never change because fundamentally he doesn't give a shit, and you've let him off before so......no consequence.

How can you actually have any respect for him, he is actively seeking to cheat on you, I don't know how much plainer he can make it. Your apparent acceptance at what most of would call shitty behaviour just reinforces the cycle of him sneaking behind your back, you finding out, him fobbing you off and so it continues.

[supernaut]

He goes through "these phases" because he knows you are a soft touch and you'll forgive him and not kick him out, so he'll behave for a while until things are back to normal then he'll sign up to another site.
It's cyclical you see.
You can break the cycle or carry on.

[alabastergirl]

why do you need more evidence to make him to leave - or are you hoping you won't find any so you can convince yourself it is ok to let him stay?

[3rdbump]

I think you are right.
I feel so weak emotionally sometimes its easier to stay and put up with it. I feel sick and horrible. I do know its completely unexceptable behaviour :(

[Jan45]

No rush OP, take your time, plan your escape, save some cash, armour yourself with good friends for support, it can be done, nobody should have to live this way, you don't need him.

[alabastergirl]

It's not your fault and it is a huge thing for you to come to terms with and take action over. It is easy for folk to comment and tell you what to do - I realise that!

I don't think you are weak. Tbh to put up with what he is doing you prob have to be stronger than you would if you got rid of him all together.

[3rdbump]

I feel the situation is 100 x worse with being pregnant. Am scared I suffered PND in my 2nd pregnancy and took me a long time to stop feeling very sad after my 3rd. Worried how I will cope with a new born and a toddler and my other 2 children if I suffer PND again :( I never wanted to bring up this baby as a single parent. Hence feeling weak and easier to give in and pretend everything is okay and carru on as normal.
At the same time I cant deal with all the heartache when he doesn't come home whem drinking or the fact I dont trust him :/

[Jan45]

I agree, you are not weak, he is.

[3rdbump]

So the chat ended up with me telling him to leave.
He quizzed the snap shot of his dating/porn site and tried to tell me he joined ages ago and not a few weeks back ( who cares when he joined why does that matter??)
Looked briefly through hos phone checked whattsapp and fb msgs after a few mins hr got funny and took his phone back. Something to hide from earlier messages maybe?
Other than a seemingly innocent convo on whatsapp with his friends now ex gf (she was still with his friend at date of msg back in nov) there was nothing else I could see.
Packed all his stuff up. He gave a half hearted apology and said hes just a dick and thats the way he is....
Hes all sheepish downstairs.
Agreed that he wouldn't want his daughter nor sisters to take the shit I have off him in the past.
Come to the conclusion he wants me to be there for him whilst he does what the fuck he wants to do.
Unfortunately my 11 yr old kind of heard and now hes very worried and upset about his dad.
He is sleeping on sofa tonight just forsake of our 11 yr old. Tomorrow he is to find alternative accommodation.
I cant stop crying and trying to be strong ...I know he will be all hearts and flowers tomorrow expecting me to cave only for another month or so he eill be perfect thrn he will start with the shit attitude towards me.

[alabastergirl]

He told you he's just a dick and that's the way he is.....

When a man tells you who he is listen. He is counting on you backing down and minimising - please don't.

[3rdbump]

Am trying to stay strong :( just need a hug.
Braxton hicks have started alot now too so trying to relax in bed and going to stick a comedy on and try get through the night in one sleep.
Have important senco app with my sons school in the morning. Hope my son is better and not worrying :( hes very sensitive :( I feel really bad thst he heard. Its his dad and in his eyes he is the perfect dad :(

[HootyMcTooty]

Ok, breathe.
Can you talk to a trusted friend or family member? You need RL support, you have a lot going on and you need to feel cared for.

He has shown you who he is. You know he will expect to be able to turn everything round tomorrow. Be prepared and don't fall for it. You deserve better.