help...I'm going to court

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I already had a thread on here a few weeks back, but I have no idea how to link it from my phone

basically my ex is a bit of a bully and managed to get me to agree to him having DS every single weekend. it 'suited' me for a while as after maternity leave I chose to work weekends only, to save childcare fees and enable exp I suppose to have his way

anyway I found the strength from all the great advice on the previous thread to try to put a stop to him after a few different scenarios ie I attempted to have a few conversations with exp about seeing DS at the weekend (I've never been able to take him swimming or have chilled out time with him at the weekends, take him skating/skiing or to football/rugby etc-or just do nothing!) exps reaction to me asking to have DS at the weekend from time to time is, I'll have him Mon-Fri then he has messed me around many times with child maintenance ie warning me that if I go to csa he will quit his job so I get nothing, and constant threats that he will cease payments if I don't agree to travel to collect DS every weekend or whatever else he decides he wants. and has threatened me with court ever since I was pregnant I've had enough

so now after several weeks of seeing a lawyer and letters going between them, exp has raised court action as I didn't agree to his offer of 50/50 shared care or every single weekend meaning I never get quality time with DS

I need your help ladies (and gentlemen if there are any). I must speak to my solicitor on Monday with a witness who can speak of the contact exp has had with DS and why my proposal for contact being every other weekend would be in DS best interests

after my last meeting with my solicitor I'm feeling massively stressed that exp will win this, at first the solicitor was very positive and agreed with me that I had been too reasonable etc, but now is saying that the courts don't like changing the status quo and that I may get a bit of a shouting over cutting contact initially

has anyone experience of the family court system?

he wants ds for three days then four on an alternating basis OR failing that every single weekend, oh and to find me liable in the expenses of this action

in exps statement, is says that I have tried to gradually erode his time with DS and diminish his role. it says I have used him as an ad hoc babysitter and he seeks a residence order

I'm rubbish at writing statements, all I want is some QUALITY time with ds. not the mid week drudgery, that's surely not much to ask is it?

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I told exp I would be contacting csa/cms as I was fed up being messed around re cm

he told me on boxing day to do what I want as he's not working anyway, yet the letter today from his lawyer states he is working, in a very good job!

he has always been worried I would contact csa as he had flats undeclared to the tax man, so his text on boxing day was a lie, to make me think he is unemployed and therefore any cms claim would be pointless, which he's done for years! argh!

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2253026-exp-is-taking-me-to-court-again

hoping this link works...

[Anacoreta]

Hey, first of all, keep in mind that the judge will focus on what is in the best interest of the child not what you or your ex want.

What you are asking for is not unreasonable, and he may be asking to swap to weekdays/full residence to scare you to drop the request. Is there any day arrangements that you can agree on in order to keep the same number of days? Ie. One night during the week every week in exchange of 2 weekends a month?

And remember, the judge won't rule anything In the first hearings, they would only give you his or her opinion about the issue in the hope you negotiate an arrangement between yourselves.

[daisychain01]

Could you and your solicitor propose the following arrangement

Week 1 - parent 1 Sunday 9am collection, residency until Wednesday drop off at school, parent2 collects DC from school Wednesday until Sunday 9am

Week 2 parent 1 Sunday 9am collection, residency until Thursday drop off at school, parent 2 collects DC from school Thusday until Sunday 9am

This is a very well recognised patter for 50/50 care, as it gives the DC home time and school time in the care of each parent. Long week and short week. Holidays can be fixed in a court order or negotiated at the time. Could be a 50/50 split of weeks or alternating eg half terms

I don't think the judge will necessarily penalise you for you not having had your DS residency earlier on, esp if your solicitor explains the reasons you gave in your OP

[daisychain01]

Pattern

[Ebony69]

OP, how old is your son? I'm of the view that a young child needs one stable home and regular contact with the other parent. Though a 50/50 split may be fair, it may not be in your child's best interest. I agree that the current schedule limits his free time with you.

Whilst the court does favour maintaining the status quo, it will be prepared to change if you can demonstrate that it would be beneficial for your child.

I would suggest somewhere along the lines of alternate weekends with his father - Friday school pickup to Monday morning drop offs - an evening after school midweek ( not overnight) and half the holidays. Of course, if/when he's older he will have more of a say in the arrangements.

[JsOtherHalf]

From a quick glance at your other thread your child can be no older than 5?

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

Hi Ebony, that's exactly what I had offered. and I also think it's best for any child to have one solid base plus plenty of contact with the other parent

but how can I demonstrate that it would be beneficial for DS to have that arrangement is what I'm struggling with (to put it into words I mean)

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

DS will be 4 in a few months

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

thanks for the replies from everyone! that's good to know anacoreta

[mamalovesbaby777]

At the age of only 4 I think the law is of the view that the child should spend the lions share of time with the mother, ie main residency

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I need a strong case though to put across as he will fight to the bone to get his way.

I would definitely offer one night during the week every week in exchange for 2 weekends a month Anacoreta. when I had the first meeting with the lawyer I suggested that but it was her advice I offer just two hours where he can take DS for dinner for example, as there is a 45 minute drive between our homes which would mean DS getting up even earlier for preschool, but I would prefer that than get no weekends at all

[mix56]

I haven't any experience of this, but I would have thought it relevant to underline that initially you were working every w/e to cover the expenses of bringing up your child after separating, that P is not paying cm regularly & it was the only way to pay the bills
also mention this employed/not employed malarky, make him show his pay slips ! if he has undeclared rental income, he should be able to pay, if he's not he will not be indulged by the judge

[bettyboop1970]

Sorry you are having to deal with this unreasonable twat
I think all this crap is about making your life difficult, rather than him being a 'great dad'
If you live 45 miles apart (not far enough IMO!) and he wants 50/50 how is it going to work when DS starts school?
for you

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

excellent advice! I hadn't even thought about that!

Yes unfortunately it's all about making my life difficult but I cannot let him win this

[3teenageboys]

Just what you expected. Although I'm no expert, in your statement you need to make sure that you point out that he has controlled you by use of maintenance. That you had to agree otherwise you would have no money. Do you still have all his emails & texts. Also mention his threat to stop work if you approached CSA. In addition perhaps a supporting statement from your partner who he threatened. You should seek costs just as he has. Remember, if your not happy with solicitor then see someone else. Don't be afraid they will listen to you in court. Write down all that has happened & provide supporting emails & texts. He is a bully & an idiot. Be strong xx

[Idratherbetheboss]

i remember your first thread op, I posted on that under a different name.

I've been here, although it was me that took the case to court as id had enough of being bullied.

As previous poster said, definitely make it know he had threatened to reduce/stop maintenance etc.

What you are asking for is not unreasonable at all, you deserve to spend some weekends with your son. Stay calm and polite throughout.

I assume ds will start school in Seotember? And will he be going to school near to you? Query how ex will facilitate this.
For what it's worth, contact for ds was sorted through solicitors in about ten minutes, outside of the court room. The judge simply agreed to them.

Judge did have words with ex re:verbal abuse he had given me and my solicitor afterwards said sorting it was like knocking on an open door- his wants contradicted his situation and 18 months down the line all is ok.

Feel free to pm me if u would like a hand hold at any point x

[3teenageboys]

Also, get in touch with Land Registry , I think you can get copy of record property that he owns to provide proof of income. (You might be able to do it online, as they are public records. Make sure you take last email claiming he was unemployed. This is important as is in contradiction of his solicitors letter, it will show the court he is a liar & untrustworthy xxx

[AcrossthePond55]

I remember your previous thread. I wish you much luck. I agree that he's trying to bully or frighten you.

My BFF had had primary residency, with the father having every other weekend (Sat 8 am - Sun 5 pm) as well as one week day (flexible, but prearranged) overnight from after school pickup to school drop off the next day. Some weeks he'd do that week day on Friday to pick up after school to have a longer weekend. Holidays & child's birthday alternated. Summer was set up to be 2wks alternating with each during the school holiday, but with work and childcare it didn't really work out that way. After the first summer, they just stuck to the usual.

[Ebony69]

I Think that from your son's perspective he needs consistency during the week. An overnight mid/week at his age could be disruptive - forgetting book bags, PE kits can be stressful for children. Not to mention the longer journey to school/ nursery. Try not to sacrifice this as a bargaining tool. You can demonstrate that he will benefit from alternate weekends with you by highlighting the opportunity he will have to do fun stuff with you. Be specific - also are there extended family members who he would otherwise see at weekends?

[Ebony69]

Actually, not just fun stuff. Even just relaxing with you at home would be special for him.

[bettyboop1970]

OP, have you considered posting in legal matters? You might get some good legal advice there.
I'm with you, I hope you win! He sounds like a fucking nightmare. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

really appreciating these replies, they all help immensely. my meeting with the solicitor next week has to be with a witness so dp is coming along to reinforce what I'm saying.

Yes I have family members that ds would benefit from seeing at the weekend. I'll definitely mention that I only chose to work weekends to cover the expenses of bringing up ds on my own-which was the case of course

I'll bring up his pretending to me that he is unemployed to ensure I thought contacting cms would be futile

ds will start school a year in Sept, he had one last year of preschool (currently at anti preschool) and yes it's at my old primary school which is minutes away on the bike! I'll question how exp will facilitate that

staying calm throughout is a must, I fear I'll be a bubbling mess trying to talk though, ahh!

I need to be able to demonstrate how ds will benefit from alternate weekends, I will highlight being able to have quality time with myself and the rest of my family, not to mention the amount of birthday party invites etc from his little friends which are always having to be declined is that enough?

I know there's not as much traffic in legal matters but I'll post anyway

communication is unfortunately not my strong point but all these posts are helping me hugely

[AcrossthePond55]

You do want to be able to be calm and (relatively) unemotional during the meeting. It's really important to being taken seriously. I'm a blubberer myself when I get stressed or I'm trying to get across something that is very important to me.

I find it helps to do 'mock discussions', sort of like student lawyers do 'moot courts'. If you have someone who can pretend to be the 'other side' and do practice dialogues where they try to argue or question you it can help you to anticipate what your opponent might say and formulate your responses.

[NettleTea]

I think its quite reasonable to argue that starting school needs a change, as you were previously able to have quality time during the week, so weekends at dads didnt cut you out of any leisure time.
Its not reasonable to expect to do all the hard work during the week and the non resident parent to have all the fun times.
It is also reasonable, if ex is wanting 50/50, for him to do some of the hard stuff too - the early morning school runs, the homework, tea, early bedtimes - if he actually wants to BE a parent, that is.
And yes - he has used maintanance as a way of controlling you, so get it through CSA as whatever they decide (and you can challenge them if it looks wrong) will at least be consistant and reliable