Advice please for Sister who is turning Alpha parent on her SD

[AlphaBites]

Tricky one this.

Sister's DP has a 10yr old daughter (her SDS which she is happy and keen to refer to herself as Stepmother) which her DP has 50:50 custody for.

The daughters mother is primary carer and the one all medical details go to and school contact etc (this is relevant).

Dsister moved in back in July and since then had gotten involved in her SDS's schoolwork and IMO stormed into the situation demanding why the child has not been tested for X, Y & Z as she struggles with a lot of school work. Child's mother has arranged for various testing and has two young children under 3 in addition to her eldest so she is stretched in capacity for time somewhat.

Dsister announced to me 3 days she's fed up with excuses from the child's mother, "Her homework is NEVER done, she literacy falls dramatically when she spends more nights with her mum, she does NO extra curricular activities and it's not good enough." Dsister has had the ExW on the phone saying she is feeling threatened by this and quite confrontational and wants it to be left to her to sort things (child had an eye problem) and she is sorting it out, it takes time etc for testing to be done (dyslexia for example) but she wants Dsister to back off as the child is coming back to her mother repeating the lovely things being said Each time I said "How about just backing off a but, it's great your helping her with her homework but you can't go in guns a blazing demanding action from everyone." Dsister always replies with, "Well the mother is useless, does no homework with her and her results always improve with us etc etc. "

We had them round for dinner tonight (complete with the SD) and Dsister announces that she thinks they should apply for full custody as it will ensure the child will have a proactive parent. "I will ensure she gets the revision help she needs etc" I sit in silence and just say "Oh right" and nod. Her DP sits quietly and says "Yeah maybe." I look over to the child and she is looking scared and lost, 30 mins later I heard her in a spare room "looking for the toilet" she is sobbing her heart out I cuddle her and she tells me she is scared she will never see her mum again. I put my arms around her and say "I'm sure that will never happen, and your mummy will always be your mummy and I know she loves you very much." We chat a bit more and she begs me not tell anyone.

I got a bit cross at this point as I thought my sister was being to forceful and trying to take over on this poor little girl, she starts off again on how the child is behind with work and ability again because only she does it and how the mother is lazy, at this point I ask if the father is unable to do much ? And I'm struggling to see how all blame is on the mum (starting to feel sorry for the ExW at this point !) when the child is only with her 50% of the time ?



This goes down like a lead balloon, understandably Dsister then gets huffy with me and explains the father is to busy for this and he works hard. I've made my point and think Fuck it, not my problem but do tell them on the way out what happened with the child crying in another room. Her DP just goes quiet and says she's being melodramatic, DS is purple with rage and she hisses at me "Why can't I just leave it alone ?" I hiss back "Your not her mother and never will be, stop trying to take over!"

They leave and I can't stop thinking about the little girl crying tonight.

Nothing I can do I know but, can I make DS see sense somehow ?

[TerribleMother]

God, WTAF is your dsis thinking of? It sounds like she's terrifying the little girl and making life really difficult for her mother. I don't really know what to advise . Is the father totally cowed by your dsis? Could you speak to him on the quiet? I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, but my mouth fell open as I was reading and I had to reply.

[AlphaBites]

It's weird, he is cowed down by her in some respect (all his previous gfs have cheated and left him ExW included) and she is like a bull at a gate but in others he's not. She wanted a car but couldn't afford one as she's in debt and has bad credit, he's just taken out a £30k loan to buy the car and use the money as a deposit on a second house for them to live in (mortgage offer in his name already obtained before getting the loan) but he's doing this so they have a new home and the house they currently live in will be his daughters. But the new house will be because DS doesn't want to live in the old family home, he worries about money a lot but has done it for her.

She has brought nothing to the relationship except £5 worth of debt, but she is taking any work she can to repay it off.

I think she views the ExW as competition and is jealous that she doesn't have a child with him. She has always been quick to run "badly behaved" children's parents down and tut over tired youngsters crying. She did start to try and tell my younger DD off for twisting in her chair to look at something, the other day when we met up. She was snapped at by me as I said only DH and I are to tell her off and it certainly was not her place to step in for such a trivial thing.

[springalong]

Your sister is so far out of order. Her DSD's parents have done very well to organise themselves so that they are doing 50:50. I think your sister's behaviour stands a good chance of totally undoing that and making the situation much worse. Shocking behaviour.

[Walkacrossthesand]

What did you say to the little girl when she begged you not to 'tell'?

[AuntieStella]

I think that I would talk to her DP, because the issue here is the well-being of his DD.

Is there anyone your DSis pays heed to?

[lunar1]

You sister sounds horrible, her partner sounds like he will never speak out against her either. I really feel sorry for the little girl, she must be so scared for her future. The best hope I guess would be if they split up.

[BlackDaisies]

I think you should tell someone, given the stress of the little girl. Begging you not to tell is a worry in itself. What is she scared of? Do you know the mum well enough to speak to her? Or could you speak to her school. It sounds like the girl really needs some support.

[mummytime]

I would write down what you have observed, and put it away incase it is needed in the future.

I feel so sorry for that poor little girl. A good friend of mine had a step mother a bit like your sister. She did him a lot of harm, his sister even more, and majorly damaged her own children.

Has your sister always been so self-absorbed?

[TheBatteriesHaveRunOut]

Oh dear. Your sister sounds like a horrible bully. Does she see it as some reflection on herself, the SD's lack of academic brilliance?

I think I'd strongly encourage the dp to dump your sister and be a better parent to his child.

How very sad for the little girl. You, on the other hand, sound like a lovely step auntie.

[callamia]

Your sister has no idea how to parent does she? I can see that she wants the girl to do 'better', but she seems to have no sense of her feelings - just sees her as a project to manage.

The girl's father needs to start behaving like a parent too, and protect his daughter from feeling so hurt and scared. Can you have a serious word with her? I feel so sad for that little girl. Does her 'stepmother' ever hug her, or show any concern for how she feels?

[RandomMess]

Hmm I think you need to be very brave and tell your dsis and her dp that her mad mouthing her mother is incredibly damabing to dsd and if it carries on it is likely that the dsd will not want to see her anymore!!!

I suppose you could tell dsis that you are happy to listen to her vent in private but she is being incredibly hurtful to dsd to criticise her mum.

What a nightmare - anyway you can in touch with dsd school and tell them of your concerns because in the middle of this is a little girl whose emotional stability is being ripped apart if cafcass got involved they would very likely NOT want your dsis to be primary carer because I can't imagine dsd giving a glowing report of how she feels about her... plus children need time to chill there is more to life than doing homework etc.

[BrainyMess]

OK I kinda feel this situation is unbelievable as its so bizarre.

If this is for real you need to highlight your concerns to the childs mother and describe what you have observed.
The childs father is not protecting her from your sister, you have to give the childs mother the information to do so.

Im a stepmother btw.

Post on the step parents forum HERE for more advice. I think you will find similar advice there.

[Booboostoo]

Wow your sister sounds awful. Controlling and uncaring, poor little girl! Maybe show your sister this thread because it doesn't sound like her DP is going to do anything to protect his DD.

[sanfairyanne]

did your sister notice a previously undiagnosed eye problem and possible dyslexia or was that already flagged up?

[scarletforya]

The poor little girl. I can't believe your sister is so clueless and cruel.

Something needs to be done, although I'm not sure what. Could you go to her mum and explain what's going on. Maybe her mum could get a better arrangement place with more of the contact.

Your sisters treatment of the child is harmful.

[KatieKaye]

Oh what an unpleasant situation.
I wish I could have some advise for you, but am just very glad you were there for the little girl. It sounds as if she trusts you - does she have a mobile and could maybe text you if she needs to when she's visiting DSis? it might be a safety line for her. She must get so unhappy in DSis goes on like this all the time in front of her. How to make a child feel worthless.
Agree that maybe you should leave DSis out of the equation and talk to her DP about this. She doesn't sound very rational and certainly not very loving if she can't see the damage she is inflicting on this child.
While DSis might have her DSD's best interests at heart, she is not going about this in the right way and is hurting this child. If anything, her actions could make DSD refuse to visit

[Dorisdidit]

You should tell your sister that she's horrible, emotionally abusive and upsetting the child and nobody in their right mind would give her custody. The father may well lose the access he has due to her damaging and abusive behaviour. He needs to be told to how distressed she is, stop being such a wimp and stand up for his daughter before he loses access to her and she's traumatised.

Find a way to contact the ex wife with your concerns and provide any evidence she needs to the courts.

All responsible adults need to step up here to protect this poor child.