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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Convincing dh i still fancy him.

32 replies

Lilmisssunshine7 · 19/10/2014 20:06

My dh is gorgeous and sexy and I truly do fancy him and want to be intimate, but we have two small dc (22 months and six weeks) and I'm finding it hard to feel sexy.
He doesn't understand why I don't initiate sex at the minute, and I've tried explaining to him that I find it hard to separate 'mummy' me from 'me' me. Ds2 is only six weeks and is ebf, so is literally attached to me at all times and it's hard feeling sexy when your shattered with leaky boobs and maternity bras!
He is a lovely man, and in no way pressures me to have sex, but he wants me to initiate it more. I thought we were doing really well managing to do it a few times since ds2 arrived, but tonight he has said he feels I don't fancy him as I never just grab him for a quick snog or anything, even if it's not leading to sex.
I hate the thought that he feels I don't want him, just finding it hard to get him to understand that our sex life will come back, it's just the furthest thing from my mind at the minute. Hope this makes sense!
Any advise?

OP posts:

Report

wallaby73 · 19/10/2014 21:06

Christ almighty, sorry but how unbelieveably selfish is he?? You only gave birth 6 weeks ago, and he is bleating "you don't fancy me anymore...." Seriously? Is this him showing a real acknowledgement of what demands are upon you right now? Er ...... No, he sounds like a toddler stamping his foot because he isn't centre of attention any more. Am sure done in a apologetic and wounded manner...but the premise is the same. Jesus, it was at least 3 MONTHS before i could even consider bedroom activity with my DH, and he had the good sense and respect to never even mention it........he needs to have a serious word with himself, and not pile on more pressure, you have enough on!

Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 21:27

Thought it best not to up to six weeks? Why does he not know this? Why are you trying to please him? Shouldn't it be the other way round and what if you couldn't for a long term reason. He is being selfish and immature . He should be too knackered looking after the two year old .

Annarose2014 · 19/10/2014 21:32

~clutches pearls~

SIX

WEEKS????

WineWineWine · 19/10/2014 21:45

What the hell???
You gave birth 6 weeks ago and he is feeling that you don't fancy him because you don't initiate anything?? Is he mad or just stupid?
He can wait, it won't hurt him to wait.

MyNameIsEmily · 19/10/2014 21:53

I read this to my husband and his response was he is a bit of an arsehole!
you gave birth six weeks ago!
I would personally make him wait even longer for sex now tbh!
He is being very selfish!

Coffeeinapapercup · 19/10/2014 21:54

6 weeks?!?!?!

Take care of yourself, take care of your baby. Everything else can wait

pictish · 19/10/2014 21:57

You gave birth 6 weeks ago and he's moaning about you not initiating sex with him, and therefore you don't fancy him any more?

Well...I know that I don't fancy him...and I've never clapped eyes upon him.

Fairenuff · 19/10/2014 22:01

Ugh he sounds horrible. One of those men who can't cope with not being the centre of your world any more.

Tell him what really turns you on is a man who insists on doing all the housework, shopping and cooking so that you can enjoy the special time with your tiny baby whilst your body heals from the rigours of pregnancy and labour.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 19/10/2014 22:02

Think I might learn something from this thread. I could of written what your DP says to you about me ITMS but I had my babies two years ago!!

AlbertaWildRose · 19/10/2014 22:06

After the births of my children it was MONTHS before I felt I was up for sex. I felt pawed and touched all day long and had at least one child on me constantly, and what I really wanted was a little time with no one touching me. Add to that the lack of sleep and I was certainly not up for initiating anything with DH. Your husband needs to understand how difficult it is to be a mother of such young children and how physically and emotionally draining it is. He is being very, very selfish.

famalam · 19/10/2014 22:12

Bloody hell OP I was still terrified of having sex after 6 MONTHS

gamerchick · 19/10/2014 22:16

6WEEKS?!!! Christ on a bike.

Tell him you want to hoof him hard in the nads and hold a naked flame to the tip and then he has to have something living per manly attached to him for the foreseeable. Give his nipped a good twist while you're at it.. you can see how long it takes for him to feel sexy again.

6WEEKS man! Jesus!

bealos · 19/10/2014 22:20

Can't believe you are even TALKING about sex at six weeks. Not because it would be awful, just I know how I felt at 6 weeks. My body was still in recovery and I was attached to a baby 24/7 breastfeeding.

My partner was supportive in that he brought me drinks when I couldn't move as was feeding, looked after my other kid, rubbed my feet etc. I don't remember sex ever being mentioned.

I did talk to him about it a while after though and said I was worried about doing it again but we should try as I knew it wouldn't be as bad as I thought. Was nice to have it out in the open.

gamerchick · 19/10/2014 22:20

permanently nipples.

Even my phone is indignant.

bealos · 19/10/2014 22:20

I wonder if your baby hormones might be sending you a little doolally?

Corestrategy · 19/10/2014 22:27

He sounds like a dick head.

Lilmisssunshine7 · 19/10/2014 22:39

Thanks for your replies. To be fair to dh I think what he is feeling is more about knowing Istill fancy him, and giving him the occasional cuddle and kiss more than anything. Like I said we have dtd a few times (I was lucky this time and feeling fine down there - no stitches or anything) so I was up for it. The issue has been finding the time. I do miss our intimate time together. He has been sleeping on the sofa (at my suggestion - he gets up through the night with our toddler and up at 6am with him, and has quite a dangerous job so I would rather he get some sleep. And it's easier for me to feed through the night when I've got a whole bed to myself) and I miss just being close to him like that.
He does pull his weight around the house - cooking, cleaning, entertaining ds1.
And like I said, he is NOT pressurising me for actual sex.
I think a lot of the problem is his bf's wife was randy throughout pregnancy (I was NOT) and they seem to be at it like rabbits all the time. Good on them, but they regularly send their kids to granny's for sleepovers (not judging - I would if I could ;-) ) and she did not breast feed (again, not judging) which means they get a lot more time alone together. It just creates a different situation, and I think he maybe compares us to them a lot.

OP posts:

famalam · 19/10/2014 22:44

Oh crikey he must never compare. That way madness lies.

WineWineWine · 19/10/2014 23:05

It is irrelevant what other people do, and some people might not be entirely honest about what's going on behind closed doors.

famalam · 19/10/2014 23:07

Some people might not be entirely honest about what's going on behind closed doors

That's a bloody fact!

JassyRadlett · 19/10/2014 23:31

My DH got lucky when DS was six months old. And he didn't mention it once.

BFing utterly killed my sex drive, even without the exhaustion, leaky boobs and undercarriage trauma. DH was grown up enough to realise it wasn't about him, and didn't want me to feel I had to have sex just to keep him happy.

PlantsAndFlowers · 20/10/2014 00:32

6 weeks?!!!

Genuinely OP, six weeks is the MINIMUM time it should take, if the baby slips out like greased lightening and you have a nanny or something.

6 months is far nearer the average I bet.

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IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/10/2014 00:45

The 6 weeks thing is irrelevant as long as op is ready for and wants sex. I was having sex long before 6 weeks with some of my dc and not for months for others, it's different for everyone

But he should not be trying to guilt you into giving him more attention when you are so busy, even if he is feeling a little left out. This time is about you and the baby his needs do come second (or third or fourth) right now, that's just the way it has to be

Only do exactly as much as is comfortable for you and what you are happy to do, things will go back to normal in time and he will have to be a grown up and be patient until then

Horsemad · 20/10/2014 07:34

He is NOT a lovely man if he's guilting you into having sex. Ever. Especially when you have a six week old.

He is just going to have to be patient.

pictish · 20/10/2014 07:46

Mmm...if he was a lovely man, your assurances at this stage would be enough for him...but no - for some reason you feel pressured to prove it.

Good luck OP - I think you're going to need it.

Flip

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