I should be happy, why am I in tears all the time?

[Bogeyface]

VVV long story short....almost 2 years ago H got made redundant from his management job, no notice given, was a bolt from the blue and we had to claim his severance from the Insolvency service. After 8 months of us both trying he managed to get a job in a warehouse on 0 hours contract and NMW.

To say it has been a struggle is understatement of the century, without help from my parents after the redundancy money ran out we would wouldnt have managed. Some weeks he had 2 shifts, some none at all.

Yesterday he started a permanent job in the career he was in pre-redundancy. Better money, guaranteed hours etc etc. Its what we have been looking for all along (I have been looking too but only managed 2 interviews in 18 months :( ), he is on cloud 9.

Why am I on the verge of tears the whole time? I just feel so miserable. His job will involve unsociable hours but he will be home every night and it was unsociable hours before so I dont think its that. I just have the overwhelming feeling of sadness, its not depression I dont think as I have had that and I know how it feels.

I am a coper by nature, I am fantastic at crisis management and seem to thrive on it. Perhaps now I dont need to "cope" in the same way, I am finally coming down from the stresses that started in November 2012?

I dont know what it is but I just feel so down :(

[iPaddy]

Yes - probably because you've been holding it together for so long you need a release.

I find a really really long walk, preferably with a dog, somewhere wild, is a good restorer. I have also been known to shout at the sea when no one's looking!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you may be right in your assessment. Coping with stressful situations requires a lot of energy and focus. Once the crisis has passed and you relax a little, you've got time to be sad and reflect on how tough it's been. There could be other causes of sadness, of course. If the struggle has brought you closer together, perhaps you feel sad that it's over. If you're still looking for work and not being successful you could feel sad that he's moving on and you're not.

[ghostisonthecanvas]

Its possibly because there is light at the end of the tunnel. You know things are getting better. Like iPaddy says, its safe to release the feelings you have.
Congrats btw

[FelicityGubbins]

I'm the same, fab in a crisis then fall apart afterwards. I swear it's the knots of tension that hold me together! Take some time out to do something you enjoy like reading a book or getting back into baking, or alternatively do what I do and redecorate the whole house

[Poledra]

Bogeyface, a few years ago my dad was ill. He had a heart attack then needed angioplasty. My mum was fantastic, very calm, dealt with everything. He had his angioplasty done, it wasn't as bad as they'd originally thought and everything went swimmingly. My mum left him at the hospital and drove to a close friend's home. Where she cried an absolute river, because she could finally let go and face the fact that she might have lost him. But it was only once it was all over that she could 'allow' herself to fall apart.

Maybe you need to let yourself fall apart a bit, now that's it safe to do so.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I imagine it's a mixture of relief, regret and sadness - at all the time wasted - jealousy! and fear of the unknown and....I dunno really. It's very early days. You are entitled to feel mixed-up or to struggle with change.

I have no advice, do I? I just wanted to say something nice to a poster who is always funny, bright, thoughtful and supportive to everyone.

Will I get thrown out for brown-nosing?

Maybe.

In that case, Fuck you Bogeyface!

[LadyWithLapdog]

Sounds like you had a horrendous time of it. I hope the new job will be better. Try not to get bitter about the wasted time and unfairness of it.

[mummytime]

You have been coping with stress for a long time, now its easing.

In stressful situations adrenaline and other chemicals build up in your body - its like your body is on natural stimulants. So you think fast, fell more alert etc.
When the stress is over, the levels of those hormones drop. But you've got used to the feel of them, so its a bit like drug withdrawal - you don't feel good. AND the hormones in coming out of your bloodstream may level behind breakdown products which can make you feel "shit".

Exercise can help with this, so try that: a game of tennis? an aerobics class? Swimming? a run? a long walk?

Add to this, that you've been holding it together, and that you've also been looking for work (and even worse you've been unsuccessful). Its no wonder you feel down. Treat yourself, and be kind to yourself. Maybe look for what you can do to improve your employability - a course?

Remember - depression doesn't always seem the same, it can creep up on you in different guises.
If you still feel "low" go and see your GP - it might even be there is another issue (could be as simple as anaemia) which you've overlooked during the stressful time.

[Squidstirfry]

I'd allow yourself to cry as much as you want / need for the time being. It makes sense, seeing as you and your DP have been through such a tough time and now things are changing.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You're probably going cold-turkey after running on pure adrenaline for a long time. It's understandable that you're feeling a bit deflated. It would be a wonder if you didn't.

All the best to you and Mr Bogey! Things have finally turned a corner and that's just bloody brilliant.

[WellWhoKnew]

Agree it's probably a come down from all the adrenaline from the last two years, but wonder if it is also possible that you're mourning a big change in your way of life?

The way I read your post was although you've now got some financial security (congrats)you're also having to face a 'loss' . Although he will be home everynight, you've got accustomed to having him around all the time and you're going to miss that? And you're going to miss him and you're not looking forward to all the upheaval of a big change?

Because you're right, it's not a crises, but it is a big change. Changes can be a mixture of good and bad, and it's okay to get upset about the bad!

[PattyPenguin]

People cope with difficult things while they have to, then when the pressure's off, they collapse. (My parents, born around 1920, used to call this "reaction", though I'm sure that term went out of fashion long ago.)

I think you should let it out, but perhaps explain to your H that you're not upset about him getting the job, or worried about the future, but rather that you've held everything together for so long, you now need to process the stress, for the sake of your sanity. If that means floods of tears, then that's that. It won't last forever, eventually you'll get your equilibrium back.

[Bogeyface]

Thanks all.

I have been in a right mood all day, snapping at the kids, bursting into tears, the works. I havent been sleeping properly so I am tired which isnt helping. Explained to H (showed him my OP as it was easier than trying to explain) and he understands. Well, I dont think he does really but he understands that my reaction isnt to him getting this new job but probably come down from the constant adrenalin and I think that WWK is right, a change in the way of life. He is just so happy that I think he cant understand why I am not too, but I am its just...I dont know!

Although the money was shit, we did at least have evenings etc at home and all weekend off, something that is a rarity in his career and I have to admit that I will miss that. He is doing 3 evening shifts from tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it :(

I really am trying to be positive, my brain is but my heart isnt for some reason. He is being paid on Friday from shitjob and wont be paid until mid October for newjob and that was really worrying me but my wonderful parents are helping us out (again) so that is a weight off. I have worked out a repayment plan even though they said to wait until we are settled again, I needed to do that to make me feel better about accepting yet more hand outs. Newjob timeline was apply Friday, interview Tuesday, second interview Friday, start Tuesday ((yesterday) so it was too quick for us to try and get a contingency plan together for money. Not that there would have been much but we could have tried.

Anyway, sorry I am rambling. I just wanted to say thank you all. Re; Depression, I really dont think it is, but I do think it is a depressive reaction iykwim? The same symptoms but to a lesser degree and (hopefully) not as long lasting. If I am still feeling like this in a couple of weeks then I will see the doc.

Thanks again :)

PS He just said that thanks to a mucho generous staff discount, he is planning on taking me away for the weekend next year after our debts are paid as a treat for all the shit we have had the last 2 years, so thats something to look forward to! Now...Brighton or London......?

[AnyFucker]

I agree with all upthread. It's a comedown and it's a relief.

Congratulations Mr Bogey.

I hope things improve fro the Bogey family very soon. Sounds like things are going in the right direction

[WellWhoKnew]

You'll feel a bit better once you're in the new routine, and you've got a rewarding paycheck in the bank (so that's what, four weeks away).

It sounds like you thoroughly enjoy spending time with each other, so of course, it's a big change after two years. You'll be doing all the children's stuff on your own (and it's not always a laugh a minute), you'll be wanting to chat to him and he'll be not there.

Yep, I think that's worth crying over myself, so stop telling yourself you're being silly.

[Bogeyface]

JohnFarleys

I meant to say thank you so much for your kind words, but as usual BF is so self obsessed she forgot

And brown nose away, I dont think I have ever had my own brown noser before :o

Thanks again :)

[Bogeyface]

WWK gee thanks, way to cheer me up! Only kidding, I have to admit I am not looking forward to dinner times on my own, they were always hell on toast with added sprinkles before and now I have a stroppy 3 year old too. I will cope, that at least I know!

[WellWhoKnew]

Yeah, after I posted I did wonder - oh, writing this will probably set her off again, then read your comment on my thread and you'd set me off on a 'grr' issue (not your fault, all his!) so all's fair in love and divorce eh!

Sorry you're feeling so down though. I'll feed your 3yo one night to make it up to you (if you live within 100 miles of me) and STBXH doesn't decree that I cannot leave the area for the next billion years....

[BloodontheTracks]

Hi Bogey, congratulations on the turnaround. Do you think there's any element that you are angry with him on some level? Sometimes, when we are angry with our partners and it is unexpressed, when something good happens for them we feel doubly beat down. Like there isn't any justice somehow. I hesitate to call it jealousy because jealousy sounds like such an ugly word but it's more about who has to carry pain and who doesn't. And who has the power in a relationship.

[RJnomore]

Jeez bogey was that two years, I remember it well (it's me, rh on da jean)

I think it's firstly relief, I think you are a bit like me and when we have to hold it together and cope we do that, then when it's better we can relax a bit and it all comes out, and secondly the loss of the time together.

You're going to be okay kiddo

[BloodontheTracks]

I'm just projecting there, sorry. But once I went out with a guy who treated me very badly at the end, really broke my heart. And then weeks later I read that he'd got this massively huge job that had gone brilliantly well and there was a write up in a paper of what a great artist he was. It really really upset me. Like broke my heart all over again. I know that sounds so bitter but it did. Not because I wanted to be with him at all, but because, on some level, I wanted him to have some of the pain I had gone through. And I just knew he'd be fine. Totally fine and bloody delighted and cock of the walk. He was that kind of guy.

[Bogeyface]

WWK oh I am sorry! What did I say? I didnt mean to piss you off, even if it was via that piece of crap!

Hey RJ! Good to "see" you :) You were a rock then, I cant thank you enough :)

Blood you could be more right than you know. I think RJ and AF may remember a bit of my history but lets just say that there are times when I think that why should he be happy when he caused me a lot of pain. Complicated, but lets just say that a hunch turned out to be right....

It wasnt recent but it still hurts. Perhaps there is an element of that to it. Its making me think now, I hadnt considered that.

[WellWhoKnew]

Noooooooooooooo! You didn't piss me off, I pissed me off!

I was thinking about your comment and then thinking of replying and then anything I wrote was "Grrr because he is a Twat" and I couldn't think of anything funny. So I wrote about 150 replies and then gave up posting any of them.

Nothing you've done at all. Just that I can't play with the chainsaw, so I'm throwing all my toys out the pram!

I am a petulant child, hence being able to outperform your three year old!

[RJnomore]

Yeah I remember it all. He still owes you matey.

People move on though, but sometimes there's just a little bit of "unfairness" that rankles.

My DH works weekends and three evenings midweek, my kids are 10 (today! My baby is ten!) and 14 but it is lonely, it is hard for him too, yet it seems wrong to not be grateful he has a good steady job that pays okay.

MN is good for company

Did you ever read the my friend flicks books, the mother (Janet was it?) kept it together through awful times then when the farm was going well, that's when she had a break down. Because it was safe to fall apart a bit then.

Is there any chance of picking your business back up again now?

[Bogeyface]

:o

Keep it in the fantasy bank then for years hence when the divorce is a long distant memory and you are buying a new sofa. Cut the old one in half and deliver it to him.

The thought of his reaction should keep you warm on the coming cold nights