Long Lost Family makes me feel so sad

[ssd]

I've had an empty lost feeling within me for years and years. I was very close to my parents, I was the youngest child by far. My parents have died now and I'm very aware my siblings don't care about me, I've tried for years to keep in touch, they never do, never phone me, never ask about my kids, never show any interest. They might as well not exist. Watching the programme on telly makes me feel so sad, I have siblings but they are so absent from my life I might as well be an only child. In fact I wish I was. And please dont say you should try harder, I've tried and tried and tried, and got no where. You cant make someone care when they dont.

[ssd]

I dont know why I pin so much hope on my siblings filling a gap for me, I certainly have rose tinted glasses, but I've got friends who are close to their siblings and it just looks so nice. I have no other family except dh and the kids, no aunties/uncles/cousins/in laws , no one. And its lonely.

[Daisychain5]

I'm sorry no-one has replied to you.....not sure what to say other than I'm sorry. I reckon that having a DH and kids is a lot more than some people have, so, easier said than done, but try and count your blessings. Don't mean that harshly x

[CheesyBadger]

Sibling relationships aren't always as lovely as they look on the outside. What do you do socially? Do you have any close friends?

Although I get on with my sisters, I find relations with them stressful as we are linked by blood not by common interests. I am so different to them and often feel lonely within my family for this reason.

[cafesociety]

OP I have [half] siblings who are the same so I empathise. My mother has now also passed away and wasn't that close to me anyway for reasons known only to herself, and they've ramped up the disinterest even more taking cousins and an aunt with them.

A half brother [on my fathers side...I never knew him] who I traced also decided not to keep in touch, although I would have liked to. It's a messy story and I do know how you feel. It hurts.

I have also tried, hard to put things right with no joy, and agree you can't put feelings into someone. If they don't have them, they just don't.

Life is often sad, isolating, lonely and we can only look for the positives in life, cherishing who we do have and keeping them close. A lot of families have issues and constantly erupting conflicts.....a lot of unhealthy and toxic relatives who make others lives a misery.

The answer for me is to be philosophical about it all, and know that I'm afraid these people who reject us are not very nice people. At least they aren't manipulating me, and I have pride in knowing I wouldn't treat or hurt others like it.

[Funnyfishface]

Hi

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

I have wanted a relationship with my father for my whole life. He doesn't care. He never has. It makes me very sad and then I get angry with him. I imagine all the things I would like to say to him. Then I forget for a while, then the cycle starts again.

It's that sense of abandonment. Something we have no control of fixing.

In one respect though by watching programmes like long lost family it shows that it's perfectly normal to feel this way.

[temporaryusername]

I'm sorry your siblings haven't responded to your attempts at a closer relationship. It sounds to me like they are missing out. I think it is really natural to feel sad about that, especially having lost your parents.

On the other hand though, you have an immediate family in your DH and your children. That is a huge blessing not everyone can have, which should be able to cheer you up. I'm not minimising your sadness at other relationships being lacking, but it is true that you're lucky to be part of a family.

[LizLimone]

Sorry to hear you have been made to feel rejected by your siblings. It is hard being the youngest with a big age gap as you are just handed the family dynamic as is and you don't have much influence.

Do your siblings have contact with each other or is it just you that they do not contact? I think it is perfectly normal to want closeness with siblings as social expectations are that siblings will get on and be close to one another.

DH and I are in a similar situation with siblings on both sides. People can say that you're lucky to have the family you do but my sadness has actually got worse since I had DS because I feel bad that I can't provide him with lots of nice cousins, aunts and uncles. There is just a coldness there that is never going to change. I try to focus on building friendships myself and for my DS.

[ssd]

I feel bad too that can't give my dc's caring aunts and uncles, or any grandparents, I'm very aware when my nieces were growing up they were very involved with my parents and I, we loved them and were interested in them. Now my kids are growing up and my parents are dead, my siblings show no interest in my kids, any of the love or kindness shown to their kids is forgotten. And it hurts. I know on MN people always say just because I was involved in my neices lives doesn't mean to say my siblings should have anything to do with my kids, and I know on paper this is right, but surely family is meant to mean something to people and it shouldnt all be so one sided? It makes me feel weird to want a closer family, like its something shameful or needy, but just to know they care would mean so much to me. It annoys me so much that I'm still looking for this, when experience has shown me it isnt there. I feel like a battered wife going back for more (not trying to insult anyone or belittle anyone), and not learning from my experiences and moving on as the bigger person, its like I'm looking for them to be something they arent and I cant accept this. Sounds very needy, but its something I keep deep inside me, I have friends and dh and the kids and I'm very lucky that way. So why am I looking for my blood family to care? I dont know, I really dont.

[ssd]

I'm sorry to go on about this, but I'm hoping someone says something to make me see this in a clearer light.

what I wanted to ask, is why do I seek out my siblings to care about me? why is it so important to me? is it because my mum and dad are dead and they are the only blood family I have left? or is it because I'm the youngest, and I sort of idolized them when I was growing up, they both left home when I was young so I never grew up with them, I didn't really know them IYSWIM. maybe they never knew me? I can get that, but what I dont get is why am I still seeking their approval? I constantly compare my life to my sisters and feel like shes done everything right and I havent but in truth shes been very selfish and looked out for herself and I took care of mum, alone. So why do I do this to myself, why torture myself looking for them to care? Am I trying to replace my mum? why cant I accept shes gone and they dont care and move on? I feel theres an answer to this and its eluding me.

[ssd]

btw, thanks for all replies, I really appreciate them.

[Meerka]

well, this is cod psychology at its best maybe but ...

... surely family is meant to mean something to people and it shouldnt all be so one sided? It makes me feel weird to want a closer family, like its something shameful or needy,...

it sounds to be like you have a desperate hole and emptiness because you are giving out a lot, but not receiving. That can happen when you didn't get enough love from your parents young, or occasionally it just happens anyway. It isn't shameful or needy. Well, needy maybe but I think a lot of people feel like that sometimes. The key is how / whether you show it or not.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing in keeping a (rough) awareness that you are giving out a great deal but not receiving back and so you are slightly stepping back.

The only thing you can do in this situation is to face the emptiness head on and to grieve for the loss of closeness. It sounds as if you kind of lost your whole family when you parents died, in a way. Maybe you need to grieve that, and turn elsewhere for love like your own family and (true) friends.

[Meerka]

So why do I do this to myself, why torture myself looking for them to care? Am I trying to replace my mum? why cant I accept shes gone and they dont care and move on? I feel theres an answer to this and its eluding me.

again cod-psychology but it sounds to me like you have not faced she's gone. Probably because it will be massively, massivley painful.

Have you considered therapy? it's not for everyone but it can sometimes be good. even short courses can help, sometimes.

[springydaffs]

It just does hurt. A LOT.

I watch long lost family - and sob my heart out. For the same reasons as you.

[ssd]

meerka, you're so spot on. I went to cruse after mum died and I actually sobbed for the loss of my siblings as well as mum. The counsellor said I lost a lot more than my mum when she died. Its true. I've realised through writing this that I'm always looking for my mum and now I'm looking for her through my siblings, and I'n bitterly disappointed theres no connection there.

is there any therapy you could recommend? at cruse it was good to sob and tell my story, but I went over the same things again and again. Now 2 years down the line I feel I need different therapy but dont know where to start. And I'd need to pay for it and its so expensive, so I want to get it right. I asked my gp but was just given a bereavement leaflet, they werent interested and I dont know where else to go.

springydaffs, I'm sorry for you too x

[CariadsDarling]

I really just wanted to acknowledge your sadness. But to also say that please try to remember that we only see the initial success stories on Long Lost Familes. We dont see the people who wouldt have anything to do with the person searching for them from the outset, and neither do we see how things are a year after the initial show when everything in the gardens is hunkey dorey.

So, if it helps I will tell you a bit about the reality of things in a situation like this, Ive lived it to the extent the sales assistants in a clothes shop thought i was buying clothes to go on Long Lost family and would only have known I really wasn't lying to them when the then series aired a few years ago and I wouldnt have been on it.

I was contacted over a period of 6 months by 3 half siblings all born to different mothers during the course of my parents marriage which ended after about 14 years. They were a surprise to say the least :) To date this is how it has worked out even though I jumped in head first with both feet :D

The sister who started the search soon fell by the wayside after she uncovered what she did, and she is only in very sporadic contact with another of our half sisters and our birth father. She is the youngest of us all, about 13 in total.

Our half brother is my everything and we spends loads of time together despite me living very far a way from him. We are going on a 3 week cruise at the end of the month. He is my brother in every sense and I thank god everyday that he is. He has no contact with our birth father, does not want any, and nor does our birth father. The appearance of the children has rocked his world somewhat and my step mum cannot let them be part of her life. Not can her children, our half siblings.

Our other half sister is an alcoholic and cannot cope with the real world so sadly after trying with her for a year that included many visits from me to her, and her and her family coming to me where I live once after my husband organised a big family get together - she is only in sporadic contact with our siblings. I backed away from her about 20 months ago due to not being able to cope with the alcoholism because I have a huge situation in my life that means I can't cope with much more on my plate.

Since all of this has come to light our birth father ( we were all brought up by wonderful step dads by the way) has now admitted to fathering 13 children in his life but doesn't know where they are. I thought I was the eldest but Im not. Seemingly we have twin brothers who are about 62 now. So that was 4 born in marriage and the rest at various stages of his life.

Its been a rare old journey for all of us this last 3 years but I wouldnt have missed it for the world. My mum is long dead but she would have been ok with what has transpired. Its the kind of woman she was.

So, there you have it. A story fit for Long Lost Family but not one that would ever have made the screen because, the reality is far removed from what the programme makers want the reality to be.

[Meerka]

hrm, I suspect others are better at recommending various forms of therapy, I'm not up on them all.

But since you have had some counselling through CRUISE to look at the reasons for the grief, it sounds like a mix of CBT (which helps you focus on the here and now) and Mindfulness training might help. At a very rough guess, a shortish course of CBT might do, say 10 sessions or so ... you'll know yourself when you start how long you need, after a few sessions. The BACP might help finding someone.

Mindfulness is the currrent in thing but it's very good for all that. Not sure where you find skilled trainers in it I'm afraid, as I'm not UK. Perhaps someone else can say more?

Whichever form of therapy you go for, make sure you click with the counsellor. Also be aware that sometimes counsellors who just listen are not always that effect. Sometimes one who doesn't mind gently pushing gets you further.

Good luck, ssd, I hope you can reconcile yourself to your siblings' absence and find some peace of mind

[TimBurgessILoveYourSmile]

Hey hun, don't take it all to heart, have you got one or two special friends? I haven't spoken to my parents since I was 18 I am now 37. Terrible things happened when we were all little, inexcusable things that affected us all deeply. I have a couple of friends and find as I get older I meet great people, only you can make yourself happy sweetheart, please seize your life, chuck yourself into new challenges and grow as a person, then you will see that the only person you need to be truly happy in yourself is you Cliche i know, but it is true. And you will always have internet friends on Mums-net because the ladies on here are great too! big hug for you xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think I understand. I have a DB, we live a long way apart and we speak maybe three or four times a year. No acrimony, just the usual busy lives syndrome. Our parents are now elderly, frail and my DM is seriously although not life-threateningly unwell. I'm having to face up to their mortality and, for the first time in my 49 years & even though nothing else has changed, I feel 'alone'. DB and I have spoken more often in the last few months than the last 20 years and I've also felt the need to talk to people from the old days. People who remember my family when we were a lot younger and didn't have all these problems. If I didn't have DB and these other people I think I would feel exactly the way you do. i.e. looking for a connection.

[ssd]

thanks everyone

thats just it cognito, I'm looking for a connection to my past. I feel my life with my mum in it is gone completely. Theres no connection now, her house has gone so I never visit where I grew up and spent the last 31 years since I left home visiting once a week. I know the place like the back of my hand but now when I drive through theres nothing there for me anymore. My siblings dont feel any connection to the place, they have lived away for almost 40 years. They probably cant imagine the connection I feel. I look at old books, go online, research stuff, anything to get a connection to the place, and so to mum, who lived there 70 odd years. I have one friend left there but she has parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, loads of relatives living there and TBH its just too painful to see her.

I feel I've lost my past, totally and utterly. I feel utterly alone.And as much as I love dh and my dc's, I cant get over my loss and the need for a connection to it all. Maybe time will tell, I dont know.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think insecurity is a natural response to the loss of a parent, no matter how old you are. It's often when people do things like researching family trees or adopted children finally tracking down birth families. It's a pity you don't feel able to be with the friend you have left there. She's not only a connection with the past who would share a lot of your memories but it sounds like she has a ready-made substitute family that you could potentially slot into.

[ssd]

oh I wish I could slot in, but sadly, as so often in real life, thats not the case.

she invited me over last Xmas, she said oh there's just a few of us, my mum and sister (who I know well and knew mum and dad), bring dh and the dc's. I imagined a small gathering where I could maybe talk about my mum for 2 minutes, not overwhelmingly, just a light chat with her mum, who is lovely...when we walked in her lounge was choc full of family, 14 grandkids in all and her mum was with them all. It was nice to see everyone, some of them I didnt know, but it was their family, and what a lot of them there were! theres no room to slot in, the slots are all full!

nice idea though

[Meerka]

it occured to me too, have you considered researching your family tree?

or are there cousins you are close to? It's not the same, but if you are fond of each other the affectoin can be a very real warmth. Gradually over time it can come to almost replace other bonds that should be there but aren't.

[LizLimone]

It sounds totally normal to me that you feel there is a vacuum in your life that you need to fill. Being the youngest left at home when older siblings have left is always lonelier. You also took care of your DM alone before she died, as you say, so your connection and emotional investment in the home was probably greater.

Also some people just are more loving than others and feel a need to reach out more. My siblings are all introverts and my mother is very socially anxious and introverted too. They just don't relish family events or the chance to connect with others. When I was 21 all of us were invited to our cousin's wedding but I was the only one who went out of my siblings. I loved it, loved meeting long lost American cousins, felt so happy to see the whole family in one place. My siblings just weren't interested. My sister is the sane age as my cousin who was getting married but never had a good word to say about her.

So chasing after your siblings isn't necessarily needy. You might just be more family-oriented than they are. Some people are just very cold and self-contained and feel they don't need anyone. It's hard not to feel rejected by that but would it help to maybe take a step back, detach from them and try not to see it as something your siblings are doing to you but just the way they are?

[ssd]

it probably is just the way they are, I shouldnt be looking for more, they were crap when my mum got old and not interested in supporting her or me looking after her, I was always told I worry too much, they never acknowledged all the worry over mum was mine alone.

its very helpful getting others point of view over this, thanks.

I've never done the family tree thing, might be a good idea.

[porthtowanone]

SSD ,I am in the same position as you ,sister who despises me ,my kids have no aunts ,uncles ,cousins etc ,I know too how lonely it can be ,im trying as best I can to get on with my life ,just wanted you to know you are not alone.