How to say this tactfully?

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

Xmil looks after my dcs on a regular basis (initiated by her, I don't need the childcare but I am happy to facilitate what is a very good relationship between her and the dcs), is nice enough and I don't want to rock the boat.

However-

She made a comment that upset dp (who I an marrying in a few weeks and is an excellent sdad to my kids) on Friday and I feel I must have a word with her.

Dp was picking up our neighbours son on Friday (he drops off/picks up along with dcs every day- he sah and I work full time so he does the bulk of the child related stuff) and she was there picking up my older dcs. Dcs gave him their folders and dp opened them to check for letters/homework. Xmil told him "that's jamaican's job, you shouldn't be looking in their things".

Obviously this was ridiculous, he does their homework with them and, as far as I'm concerned, has every right to check for letters etc since he is there every day and deals with the school.

Dp also told dd1 to put her things back in her bag and close it before she lost everything (this is a regular occurrence, dd1 loses things frequently!) and Xmil told him he was being aggressive and is he always so angry. Dp says he was not being aggressive and I believe him, it is not in his nature and I feel like Xmil is being difficult with him on purpose.

I would like to tell her (in the nicest way possible) to butt out, dp has my permission (not that he bloody needs to ask!) to look for things in their bags etc. I don't want to make things difficult, I just want to make it clear to her that this kind of comment is neither needed, nor acceptable, and that undermining dp in front of the children is not okay.

Please, oh wise vipers, help me word what I will say to her. I will see her tomorrow morning when she drops them off and I will be speaking to her then.

TIA

[sonjadog]

I don't know how to say it best but I'd probably try to keep it as brief and factual as I could. Don't open to discussion.

Sounds like a difficult but very necessary conversation to have. Good luck!

[Thumbwitch]

Oo crikey, that's going to be a sensitive one, isn't it!

Perhaps you could go for the bright and breezy "DD said that you said xyz to DP when he was checking her folder for homework etc, but I assume she must be mistaken or exaggerating, because you would never undermine him in his role as step parent in front of the children, would you!"

Or would that be too PA for you?

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I think her dp IS her regular child care, but I may be wrong?

[Ragwort]

I wouldn't say anything - yes, she was a bit rude but surely there was no need for your DP to look in their book bag immediately, why didn't he just exchange a few pleasantries with ex MIL and then check the bag when he got home . Or he could have just said jokingly 'just preparing for tonight's homework' or something like that.

You weren't there - I would keep out of it. They are two adults and need to sort their own relationship out. You are over thinking it.

Perhaps your ex MIL finds it slightly awkward meeting your new partner?

[jonicomelately]

He needs to sort it out. Not you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Surely this is between your DP and this woman to resolve? He's quite entitled to say 'back off' or similar and it would sound better and more assertive coming from him directly rather than - with respect - sending in you to fight his battles. He doesn't have your permission to look at reading books or whatever either. He is your DD's STB-StepDad and he has parental responsibility. Simple as that.

As regards MIL more generally, it may be time to move into a less involved grandma/grandchildren relationship. Over-involvement sounds like it's making her think she has more say in their lives than she actually does.

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

Yes, dp is usually the one to pick them up etc, xmil only ever has them at weekends, she works during the week. He sah because 1. it makes most financial sense for us and 2. because he is due to have an operation to correct a medical condition that is dangerous in his line of work. The dcs used to go to after school club when he was still working.

[pictish]

I wouldn't say anything - yes, she was a bit rude but surely there was no need for your DP to look in their book bag immediately, why didn't he just exchange a few pleasantries with ex MIL and then check the bag when he got home

What?

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

He did at the time tell her that since he picks them up and does h/w with them that he needs to look in their folders. He also told her he was not being aggressive and was simply reminding dd that if she didn't put her things away, she would lose (yet another) lot of school stuff.

Dp and Xmil don't really have a relationship as such, they say hello etc and exchange pleasantries when they see each other, but nothing more. This is why I feel I should have a chat with her myself, she was my mil for 7 years and we have always had a good relationship (on the surface, I am not sure what she actually the thinks of me, and she has occasionally questioned my parenting choices, but that is another thread). I wonder if she feels that her son should be the one doing these things, but xh has a very limited relationship with the dcs and really has no clue what they do on a daily basis, so that is irrelevant really.

[frostyfingers]

On this occasion I'd let it slide, but if it happens again you might need to think of something to say (unless this is a regular occurence, in which case ignore me!)

[Thumbwitch]

Does your DP feel he has to be careful what he says to your exMIL so as not to strain your relationship? Because I'd probably tell him that he can be a bit blunter with her if she does it again.

[Horsemad]

Sounds like he's able to hold his own with her so I'd leave it. If she said similar stuff when you were present then you could chip in but for now I'd leave it.
Also I'd reduce the w/e childcare by her tomaybe every other w/e?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is there any sense that she's trying to build some kind of case against your DP in order to get more access for your exP?

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

Cogito no, I very much doubt it. Xh chooses when and if he sees the dcs (usually around once a month) and does not bother with them in between contacts. We don't have a regular agreement for contact (his choice) and he can easily pick up the phone if he wants to see them, I do not dictate contact in any way and always facilitate when he asks.

Dp hasn't asked me to "fight his battles for him", but I don't think he would be comfortable talking to her about it himself as they don't really know each other, the only contact he has with her is when she drops them off.

I might start saying no some of the time when she asks if they can stay, there is no reason for her to look after them, it's not like we need the childcare at all. She used to have them because we were both at work at weekends (not every weekend, I work shifts and am sometimes home sat/sun, but dps job involved working every weekend) but now it's just because she wants to spend time with them. I do wonder though if she is taking them so they are not just with dp all weekend? Maybe she thinks he's not up to the job or something

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

btw thanks for the replies so far!

[VodkaJelly]

I personally would say something to her. Along the lines of not undermining your DP infront of the children. If she doesnt like it then she can keep her comments to herself or bring it up with you later

You and DP are a unit and have to parent together. You have to show a united front to both the kids and to your exmil.

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

Yes, I think I will probably go with something like that. It's such a mine field with ex-families huh

She needs to be told to mind her own, I suppose I'm quite nervous about speaking to her, which is ridiculous really, I'm a grown woman ffs

I have always felt a little judged by her, not in a nasty way, and it's probably in my head but I think maybe I need to say something this time and nip this type of thing on the bud now.

Sorry, I'm spilling my guts, and probably drip feeding more than a leaky tap here, I don't mean to.

I suppose I have never felt properly comfortable around her and maybe this is her showing her true feelings towards me/dp and it's bugged me. My/the dcs relationship with dp is nobody's business but our own.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've never felt properly comfortable with her, why are you letting her be so involved in your DCs' lives? They'll be telling her all about what you and DP get up to, and kids rarely hold back even when they're not being actively pumped for information. All it takes is a few little conversations about DP getting cross about something and - bingo - she's got him taped as this aggressive bloke with anger issues.

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

I suppose you're right Cogito but I would never cut her out completely, the kids adore her. Ah fuck, I don't know what to do for the best, in an ideal world exh and his whole family would just disappear and I could get on with my life without the stress of it all. That is unlikely to happen though, at least not with her, I wouldn't be surprised if he disappeared out of the dcs lives, the shit that he is

[Flossiex2]

It must be difficult for her to have to deal with your partner when she picks your dc up. Is there another way of organising it?

It is lovely she wants to be involved with them (my ex-in-laws have shown no interest in my dc since the day their son left) so I wouldn't discourage it. Also it won't be forever; as the dc get older they will want to see their own friends on weekends not their grandma.

I'd let it go this time or brush it off.

[JamaicanMeCrazy]

He wasn't there to meet them, he was just picking up our neighbours son who is in dds class so was there at the same time. The children just ran up and gave him their folders. No way of avoiding her unfortunately.

[fedupbutfine]

He is your DD's STB-StepDad and he has parental responsibility

being a step parent doesn't give you 'parental responsibility'.

Personally, I think this is a non-starter and you will be causing ill-feeling for the sake of making your point. Just ignore her. She will feel - rightly or wrongly - that her son should take priority in the children's lives and it will be hard for her to see another man taking on that role. It doesn't really matter what she thinks. If she is saying this in front of the children, ask her to discuss anything she is concerned about in private as the children don't need to be exposed to adult 'stuff'. Be persistent with this ('stuck record') if she carries on till she gets the message.

[Cabrinha]

I think it's best to confront it.
"DP said you weren't keen on him looking in the kids' bags. I can see his presence could be difficult for you. Do you want to talk about it?"

I feel for her. I'm sure it's awful as a mother to see your own son not step up and be a father to grandchildren that you care about. How sad, and how embarrassing. To see another man do what your son is failing too...
That's why I'd give her a chance.

She could get arsy, or just say you have it wrong - but at least you know you tried.

Or she may let it out.