How to react to what dd1 said to me (re relationship between dh and I )?

[marne2]

Was going to name change as a few of you will know me but decided not too.

Dd1 came running into the kitchen at lunch time to tell me 'she was watching the news and heard there's a new law about psychological abuse towards partners', I was a bit shocked that she understood what it meant, she's 10 years old, she then said 'that's good isn't it mum, now dad will have to stop being nasty to you' .

How do I react to this?

Dh and I don't have the best relationship ( it's up and down ), a few days ago he really upset me by imitating my voice in front of dd1, he repeated things I was trying to tell him in a whinny voice and was laughing at me and getting dd1 to join in, I got very upset and dh and I had a bit of a argument. It's something that happens often, I don't alway let it get to me but the fact he was doing it in front of dd really upset me. I have been off with dh since and I'm guessing dd1 has picked up on this.

I know feel guilty, guilty for letting dh treat me like a piece of crap and guilty that dd sees what goes on

[GrapefruitStillLoveIt]

react by showing her that you value yourself,that you value your one and only life?

i left an EA man btw, so i'm not just blythely typing this.

[marne2]

Have asked him to leave so many times but am never strong enough to see it through, this morning he said he would leave and would ask his friend if they had as pair room ( they own a b&b ) but I know he won't follow it through.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sod feeling guilty marne, I'd be very angry at your H instead. Do you think your H feels at all guilty re how he treats you, I doubt it very much and he acts like this as well because he feels entitled to do so. Such men do not change and he has likely also escalated this type of emotional abuse over time; he's now mocking you in front of your child.

Children are perceptive and see and hear far more than we give them credit for. Your child is very knowing and has picked up on most the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and her dad. Use what she has told you today as a stepping stone to move your own self forward.

You have a choice re this man; your child does not. She can only follow your lead. What do YOU want to teach her about relationships and what do you think her dad and you are teaching her here?. Would you want her as an adult to have a relationship like yours now is?. At 10 she already knows its not ideal at all.

I would be talking to Womens Aid and seek their support too. Knowledge after all is power.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I presume you are very afraid of him on many levels, fear (along with shame and embarrassment, btw any shame and embarrassment you feel is totally misplaced) also keeps you within this too.

What was his response after you asked him to leave last time around?. Did he refuse point blank to do so, did he laugh and dismiss you?. You in any event can and should employ legal means to get him out. Do talk to Womens Aid as well.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Out of the mouths of babes, eh? I don't think it's especially surprising that a child understands the dynamic. Bullying is really common among children if you think about it. Name-calling, mimicry, mockery... starts in the playground, makes others upset, and some people just hone their nasty talents as they get older

If you've asked him to leave and he won't go then the next step would be to see a lawyer and start the divorce anyway. Get some advice, make a few plans, think about the practical implications. Make sure however, that when it ends DD doesn't think it was purely because of what she said.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Most schools these days have an anti-bullying policy and make this very clear to their students. That your daughter has picked on her father's behaviour towards you and interpreted it correctly is extremely perceptive.

Let this be the impetus for change as it's extremely important for her to see you doing something, anything to change your situation. Like packing his bags in readiness for him leaving.

[NigellasPeeler]

listen to your daughter! and get the girl a cake while you visit a lawyer

[Jan45]

Enough is enough, this is blatantly affecting your little girl, her self esteem will be shot to pieces, please, if not for your sake, do it for her, get rid, he sounds like a complete and utter toss pot with not an ounce of consideration for either you or his child, you go then! Go anywhere, your relationship is toxic and not normal or healthy, this is how your daughter will grow up, to be all those things, wonderful.

Stop putting a man before your child's needs, she only has you.

[Jan45]

You are not serious about really wanting him to go and he is not really serious about actually going, you both sound about 13, that poor wee girl.

[Gfplux]

You are just showing your little one that it is OK to suffer in an abusive relationship. She may end up repeating your mistake.

[ravenmum]

Tell your daughter that you are proud that she is so clever, and that you feel lucky to have her. We adults think we are there to teach our children, but they teach us so much. Thank goodness your daughter has a good grasp of what is going on, rather than thinking it is OK! Let's hope it stays that way. You should feel relieved about that bit, not guilty.

[marne2]

I'm not scared of him at all, more scared that he will do something stupid ( take his life ) if I end it. He suffers with depression, the past few months he has been at his worst and almost suicidal at times. I'm not scared of him hurting me and I don't feel I am at risk. I am just mentally exhausted from his behaviour . We will be having words tonight and I will be telling him what dd1 said ( if she doesn't tell him first ). I know we would be better off apart but there's no way I am walking away from our home ( we don't own but I don't want to move the dd's ), he knows I won't walk, my youngest dd has sn's so there's no way I could just up and leave.

We have been married 10 years, 75% of the time things are good but when they are not good he makes no effort to hide it from the dd's.

[Jan45]

It's something that happens often, I don't alway let it get to me but the fact he was doing it in front of dd really upset me

Read this over and over OP and ask yourself why this weak coward of a man is more important than your two little girls.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

marne,

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when growing up. All your words are those that an abused woman would write.

These abusive types rarely kill themselves and even if he did, you still would not be responsible for that course of action that he chose to make.

How much of his behaviour is due to depression and how much of it is actually due to him being an abusive arse who has ramped up the power and control against you over the years?. Many abusive men use depression as an excuse to abuse and emotionally beat up the nearest and dearest including the children who are also now caught in his private war against you.

What's he like to those in the outside world; I daresay a damn sight different to the person you see at home. Such men can be the life and soul of the party.

If you choose to stay within this for your own reasons you will do your own fair bit in showing these children that you as their mother will tolerate such a poor an dysfunctional model of a relationship. Your own relationship with them as adults could well be affected; they will see their mother as weak and wonder of you why you put this ineffective and weak man before them. If you tell them you stayed because of them they will call you daft for doing so. Its no legacy to leave them is it?.

You have never followed through on getting him to leave, small wonder therefore he does not take anything like that you say to him now at all seriously. He is using your own inertia against you to his full advantage.
It may well not be the case that you will have to walk away from the house, you cannot put such barriers up because you currently have no real knowledge of where you stand in the event of divorce. You have not sought legal advice.

Its interesting as well how you've come up with a figure of 75% of it being supposedly good; how did you arrive at that figure anyway?. The only level of abuse acceptable within a relationship is NONE - yes that is correct, NONE.

Love your own self for a change marne because this man certainly does not. He has a wide range of psychological weapons at his disposal to beat you all with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm not scared of him hurting me and I don't feel I am at risk"

Well what about your children then?. They're seeing all this and more besides. They see you upset and your reactions both spoken and unspoken to his ill treatment of you. These are not the actions of a loving man.

He does not have to hit you physically to hurt you; a look or snide comment is more than enough to hurt you now. You are so wrong because you are already at risk.

[Thumbwitch]

Bless your DD - she obviously sees more clearly than you do, which isn't surprising really in any abuse situation - at least she knows it's not right so hopefully won't fall into a similar relationship herself.

If you're asking him to leave then you know your marriage isn't working - if he's refusing to leave then can you?

[needastrongone]

Marne - Just wanted to say that, DH has been diagnosed with bi-polar for about 4/5 years but only taken medication for the last 6 months. There have been some very dark times in the last 7 years. At NO point has he ever been EA, belittled or made kind of disparaging comment or made me feel 'like crap'. The DC understand their Dad was ill, and at times, incapable of functioning clearly, but never cruel.

Having depression is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour.

Take care.

[AnyFucker]

Listen to your daughter, she has the clear eyed wisdom of childhood.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I'm not scared of him at all, more scared that he will do something stupid ( take his life ) if I end it. "

That's still fear, sadly, and if it's stopping you from getting on with your life then it's a problem. If he is depressed he needs treatment, if he's suicidal he needs professional intervention. Neither state is a good reason to stay with a bully.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Please don't tell him what she said , that was in confidence to you I feel op. You don't need her as ammo to get shot of him, depression my arse he's an emotional leach and will never be any different.

Your being scared of what he will do is his get out of jail card, your codependency is keeping you both where you are in life, he has no expectations of himself because you have none of him.

Cut him lose and he will soon learn what's what, don't let your daughter mother you op she has seen more than she should have already, please have the courage to show her that it's better to be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship like yours.

[whatisforteamum]

Marne2 i feel for you in this situation.Like you say the majority of the time its good ( which doesnt excuse the 25% part).Does your DH know that its wrong to mimick the other parent like that or does he think it is a joke? My"DH" often says things like "ask your bloody mother" if the teens want to know something which to me is demeaning.Only this eve he came in from work and i pointed out several wires behind the tv and suggested we might need an electrician and he told me to "piss off" he took it to mean he is not capable.Anything i ask about more than once as he doesnt reply is moaning on.
I just wonder if your DH would try to change if he knew the impact on you and the kids,Mine wont as he doesnt see bad language or slamming around as a problem.Good luck with it all

[AnyFucker]

Yes, love, don't pass on what your daughter said to him. Use it as a spur to get your act in order. This situation is clearly untenable and using your daughter as some sort of go between to raise issues you are afraid to is a really wrong thing to do.

[divingoffthebalcony]

Your daughter is very perceptive.

Clearly, it upsets her to see her father abusing you. This needs to end.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I would be booking the room in the B and B myself. Get rid. Blossom.