I feel like I've lost any common sense...

[RonneandFrankie]

Sorry this is so long. It's been building for a little while.

I've been lurking for a little bit and have hesitated to put this here - I feel I already know what most feedback will be (which should probably help me get a clue already!)

I've been with my partner for about 1.5yrs. I'm 24, he's 35. He was my manager about 5-6 years ago. He has a 4yr old with a fairly petty and nasty ex partner.
I moved in with him as a roommate when my lease ended and we pretty much fell into dating. It was fantastic at the start. I was totally astonished at how well we got along, and how great we were as a team. His family said it was the happiest they'd seen him in 10 years.

Full disclosure - he smoked a lot of weed. He has smoked it since he was 18, and when he was with the ex, sounded like it was daily. When we started hanging out, his use drastically reduced. I kept my mouth shut about it for a while, because his use was reducing so much. In the end, we had a big discussion about it, he quit and he ended up on anti-depressants for a while. This was for about 3 months. He said things like he realised he had missed out on 15 years of his life being high, he didn't want to be the old, out of breath dad, etc.

I thought both the weed and antidepressants were covering any issues rather than dealing with them (his GP was super slack - saw him for 5 minutes and just gave him a script - no suggestions for counselling or therapy or anything, just kept upping the dose and renewing the script.)
That's not super relevant - basically he said he was quitting and trying to be more constructive than getting high all the time. After the 3 months, he stopped taking the anti-depressants and started smoking weed again, but trying to hide it and be sneaky about it this time. I'm not a frigging idiot, it's pretty obvious when someone has been smoking.

Many fights about this, him promising to never bring it in the house again, only smoke it when he was chilling with mates. This wavered a little bit and I figured I could cope with him just hanging out with mates every now and again. This turned into him visiting his mate 3x a week. Then one night he turns on his puppy dog face and says he's going to go outside and have a joint. Cue more fighting, him saying to his friends that "She knew I smoked weed when she got with me, now she's mad I'm smoking weed" without mentioning the (I thought) totally heartfelt and genuine promises to never bring it into a house we shared. Cue me feeling extremely betrayed and lied to - like I had to compromise about it, but he couldn't even stick to his one promise, and his response being "Well I just won't tell you if you're going to react badly about it."

That is probably our main issue. I feel it's his complete inability to compromise, even though he says he loves me etc etc. Actions louder than words, all that kind of jazz. He says things like he wants to be accepted for who he is, not an ideal of who he could be. I tried to point out that a) he said he wanted to quit (numerous times) and asked for my help, and that b) me not liking him smoking weed...it's the behaviour, not him as a person I don't like.
But it really is starting to grind on me - it has to be his way or the highway.

And just to add fuel. One night when we had a fight, his sister got on FB and absolutely blasted me. Telling me to stop being a little Hitler, I'm only 24, what would I know, and I need to start being a "proper" mother to his son, or I should f* off. Thrown in with things like, it's a good thing you don't have kids of your own because of how shit you are, you're a terrible person, etc etc. Really nasty, hurtful stuff that was completely unnecessary and none of her business. DPs reaction to this caused more fights/issues and I've been left feeling really insecure about it all - where did she get those ideas? Is it something DP has said? Am I really that bad for him?

Basically since then it's been extremes. I think I theoretically know I need to get myself out of here quick smart, but it is really hard to even think that. When I'm away from DP I can think about it properly and realise that for all I'm a relatively intelligent person, right now I'm being an idiot, and lack all frigging common sense. But when we spend time together, it's great. Plus, I can't afford to live by myself and I have a dog. It is going to be really hard to even find somewhere, which is really making me put off this decision.

In my head I can list all the cons - I want kids eventually, and I don't really like his parenting style, plus I refuse to have kids with someone who does drugs. He refuses to compromise or keep his promises even if he knows it's hurtful to me. His way or the highway.
But the pros keep popping up and they're more feelings than points. I love how we are when we're hanging out together (and not fighting) and we do make a great team. I love him to pieces, even if some days I want to jab him in the throat (I never would, I don't agree with violence at all, sometimes I just want to make his voice stop). But I feel like I've put way more into it than he has and it's really draining. And daunting. His son, the ex, the weed. When it's all together, it's too much I think.

[RonneandFrankie]

Reading that back, I sound like a moron. How is that even a decision? :/

[HumblePieMonster]

Walk away. You can. You know you should. You even want to. So go.

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I agree. Be strong. Don't compromise. Make a list of non negotiable attributes a man must have to enable you both to share a life. I bet your current DP wouldn't tick the important boxes. Don't sell yourself short, you are young and you sound like you have a sensible head on you. Get out while you can and show him that you are worth so much more.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Leave ASAP and bring your dog with you. Never underestimate how addictive the use of weed is. He is wrong for you on every level, you know it, he knows it but doesn't care to change AND he has slagged you off to his sister. Why stay? Surely you are better than these two put together?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You love him but you already know the answer don't you.

[Quitelikely]

This will never end well. If you can't walk now start preparing yourself mentally. Detach. Start looking for other house shares that may accept your dog.

Btw I can't believe his sister said those things! Start being a mother! Wtf. You have no kids! What did he say about his sisters message to you?

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

You want children, you don't like his parenting, you don't want children with a drug user, so you know you can't have children with him.

So that's that decision. You have already decided to leave, you just haven't decided when.

The sooner you go, the sooner you have the opportunity to find someone who is right for you. You're missing out at the moment.

Before I met my dh I thought a relationship was a compromise; that you couldn't be happy most of the time and sort things out without an argument. I was so wrong. I wish I could go back to 24 year old me and tell her not to waste her time on "when we get on it's amazing, but when we're fighting...", because that's not a good relationship.

The behaviour of his sister was also appalling, and it sounds like he sided with her. This man is not loyal to you, not good for you, doesn't share your moral values, and will provide no future.

Start looking for somewhere that will take a dog today.

[Blueuggboots]

Get out. Weed is a nightmare on its own, but coupled with your admission that you don't like his parenting style, why would you want to waste your time? Sort yourself out and find someone who doesn't smoke weed, keeps his promises and parents in a way you at least find acceptable.

[kaykayblue]

Jesus, just leave.

He sounds like a complete loser, if nothing else. Not to mention a complete loser who slags you off to his bitch sister.

Interesting that you said his ex partner was petty and nasty. You do realise that they will be saying exactly the same thing about you later, don't you? ;)

In all seriousness, start looking for flat shares now. Or could you move back in with your parents for a short time whilst you look for something? Whatever you do, just leave.

[RonneandFrankie]

All pretty much what I expected to hear, and I think I needed to hear from an outside source.

I think I do need to start to detach and work up to the idea of leaving, although to be honest, I haven't felt as secure or emotionally invested since his sister went off at me. I'm just so exhausted. And it's draining, trying to figure out how I'm going to find a place. My dad said I can stay with him, but he can't have animals in his unit. And really, my lovely puppy has been really grounding and almost therapeutic.

Quitelikely DP said that it had nothing to do with him because we (me and his sister) were two adults and we should sort it out by ourselves. I said that's fine, if someone speaks to me like that, I will refuse to speak to them again, I have no problems cutting them out of my life completely. He wasn't happy with that, as his sister is important to him. After about a week of arguing, he agreed to talk to his sister, and tell her she was out of line. That by itself was disheartening - why the eff should it take a week for me to convince him that he should tell her to mind her own business and she has no right to say those things to me? In the end he said he only did it because he was sick of the drama and over me making a big deal out of it.

FuckYouChris That's a really good way to put it. That is a shit relationship. Or, this is a shit relationship. And in all honesty, I think he dealt better with his sister than me over the whole thing. She was just "protecting him" because she's a "great lioness sister." And if I didn't want her to say those things to me, I should have shut off FB and walked away. The thing that hurt the most was he didn't say he disagreed with any of it. That was what I wanted him to say to his sister. I didn't want her to fester with all these nasty ideas, thinking she was standing up for him. I wanted her to tell her she had the wrong idea. But it had nothing to do with him, apparently.

kaykay Yeah, I don't doubt (his sister in particular) will find a way to make me the bad guy. I'm a little upstart, who's too young to know anything, and is trying to control his life and "lay down the law." The sister actually said that she thought I was worse than the ex (and she hates her) with having a problem with DPs smoking.
I'm not a fan of the ex because of the way she uses their son to get back at DP - inexcusable in my books (and that's from what I've witnessed in the last year or so, not from word of mouth.) Not that it matters what I think about it I guess.

[RonneandFrankie]

And one of my "closest friends" decided now was a good time to tell me that she knows I'm having a hard time, and she still wants to be friends, but she's fed up with hearing my shit and really doesn't want to hear anything unless I leave DP because she doesn't think I should be there.
Kick me when I'm down, right.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Ronne, leave. Although your friend has been blunt, you know she's right.

Renting with a dog can be difficult. Is there anyone who could take her temporarily? So you could stay with your dad now, and find somewhere permanent later? You could walk her every day, she would just need a dog friendly home for a bit.

Check out house shares, some accept animals, as well as flats etc. the sooner you get moving the better.

His, and his family's, attitude is all wrong. I imagine it's very difficult for his ex to let her dc go to a known drug user. But whoever is in the wrong there, it's not your problem.

And for the record, if I had to guess at ages based on the maturity of actions, I'd say you were the older one in the couple.

Get free sooner rather than later.

Expect him to promise to give up the drugs if you'll stay, but remember he promised that before and it won't happen. He'll be good for a bit. You'll waste more time. He'll still be an unsuitable father for any dcs you want to have in the future.

[Squidstirfry]

He has absolutely been slagging you off to his sister and probably everyone else, painting you into a controlling 'hitler' for daring to get in the way of him and his spliff.

He will only ever have one true love, his addiction.

Good luck organising your move, you are very young, you could easily find a house share with people who love dogs.

[ChangelingToday]

You need to break up with him. I'd find someone who can take your dog for awhile until you get settled somewhere.

[GoatsDoRoam]

You are so sensible and grounded. And only 24. You will do great.

(the parenting thing is a dealbreaker; you know what you have to do. And his wimpiness and refusal to take a stand wrt his sister gives me the rage on your behalf, as I have been in exactly the same situation. You can't be partners with a man who's not your team-mate and ally.)

[GoatsDoRoam]

Btw, I found it easy to convince landlords to rent to me with a dog when I showed proof of gainful and steady employment. I hope you can speedily find the same! It's worth the extra effort to find the houseshare/landlord who will accept you and your dog, since they are wonderful companions who we have a responsibility to (unlike adult humans who can stand up on their own two feet), but you know that too.

[RonneandFrankie]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I have been putting feelers out for any place to keep my puppy. But all the people I know are students in sharehouses, and they can't have pets. And he's a wolfhound cross, so not really the most easily concealable dog :p I was considering a family friend, although I haven't spoken to her in a while. I should go see her this weekend. She usually has spare rooms.

FuckYouChris The ex smokes weed etc as well, and from what I can see, she's not much better with the "parenting" thing. But again, what I think doesn't really come into it, as it's their job to raise their child.
I honestly feel awful thinking that, in my opinion, the way he is now, I wouldn't consider him "good enough" to have children with. Especially since he already has a child. But unsuitable is right.

Squidstirfry That was exactly my concern - that he had been saying awful stuff and making me out to be a monster. He reckons the things his sister said had nothing to do with him, he's never said anything to her and it's all "what she's seen" but I think everyone knows that's BS.
I understand venting, but some of the things she said were quite nasty. Makes me wonder what else he doesn't like about what I do.

Thanks Goats. I was going to ask the vet to maybe write something saying he's a nice, docile dog, since the vet loves him to pieces. Not sure if he will, but I can try :/ At least provide all the obedience training certs etc. He's been my furry little lifesaver, that's for sure.

I mostly have my shit together, and generally have my head screwed on the right way. Except for this, which is upsetting and confusing.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Now I have puppy

I've always wanted a wolfhound :)

I agree that his sister got that all from him.

The sooner you're free of the lot of them the better.

[RonneandFrankie]

Puppy envy is the worst. I spend way too long on the internet basically compiling a puppy wishlist! Glad I got lucky with my cuddly boy, who is firmly convinced he's a lapdog :D

I just messaged the family friend. When I was just out of high school, she offered me the spare room, and both her DH and son are in the navy, so they're almost never home. I might get lucky and be able to set something up - that would relieve stress, and make all decisions much easier for me.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Excellent first step :) fingers crossed she can take you both straight away.

A friend had an Irish wolfhound when I was a small child and I used to curl up with him in his basket. Such a gentle good natured dog

[RonneandFrankie]

I'm starting to think a pack of lovely dogs might be a healthier relationship alternative for me :) Less drama, unconditional love.
Am looking at private rentals atm rather than through a real estate. I might have more luck bringing the puppy. Fingers crossed.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Good luck Ronne. There will be a bright and amazing future for you away from all this rubbish. Don't compromise on who you are. And try agents too! :)

[43percentburnt]

Hello, your boyfriend sounds tedious, he is 35 but sounds about 15. His sister also sounds tedious, ranting on Facebook about being a bad mother (a well known cheap way to insult a woman - but err you aren't a mother).
Try and distance yourself from them whilst you decide where you are going to go.

Always be wary of a man who says his ex is 'a nutter' 'violent' 'insane' 'mad' 'uses the kids to get back at me'. (Wish I'd been told that as a teenager!).

The reason you are confused and upset is because you know what you are expecting is not unreasonable but your boyf and his sister are saying you are in the wrong. This dissonance is giving you head fuck. So let them get on with it, they can smoke weed and be amazing role models to his ds together, whilst ranting about his crazy exes. Whilst you have a great life elsewhere. Xx

[RonneandFrankie]

To be fair, his ex really is a nasty piece of work. But the kind who shows off to her friends about how "positive" and "loving" she is, while if DP asks her to make sure S wears shoes when they do the changeover, she will "forgot" to drop him off next time. Any little thing has a "punishment" it feels like.
Everything he's said about her, I've taken with a grain of salt, because there's two sides to every relationship. I'm only commenting on what I've seen in the last year really. Either way, it's possible I'll be painted the same way later anyway :/

43 that makes a lot of sense - that it's confusing the frigg out of me because I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
His sister once tried to tell me that weed was actually good for you, because it's natural and it cures cancer. I almost laughed in her face, but thought that would be rude. I feel sorry for all kids involved - hers included :( Her and her boyfriend are massive pot heads and he is abusive in basically every way. When she went off at me, I actually just assumed she'd had a really bad day and needed to get it out at someone, and I was the most convenient at the time.

Family friend has a full house atm, so that option is out. Still looking at sharehouses, but there are very very few that will take pets and the ones that do will take cats and small dogs.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Weed is a deal breaker IMO: nasty, horrible, paranoia and sloth inducing drug which should not be brought into any aspect of family life .