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What do I do?

(86 Posts)
dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 14:44:45

I've just found out that my husband of 14 years with whom I have 3 children (ranging from 13 to 6) has been sending messages on Facebook to a girl who he went to school with. The messages got more and more explicit and now I know what her vagina looks like. sad
I was on his Facebook this morning (I got suspicious about the way he was holding his iPad when he was messaging so decided to check his messages and now I wish to God I hadn't, I suppose you get what you deserve when snooping.)
I have no idea what to do, this is a nightmare that I never even imagined that I would have to face. I feel so incredibly sick and heartbroken.
He swears he has never done this before, I am unsure whether to believe him. He's in the military so has plenty of time away where he would have the opportunity to cheat 'properly', IYSWIM.
I just cannot see a way of ever trusting him again, and I cannot see a way past this. I used to think he was the greatest husband, now I don't know what to think.
Help me figure this out please!

Jan45 Fri 01-Aug-14 14:50:43

I wouldn't believe a word he says, that's actually pretty disgusting what he has done and possibly not the first time.

Your feeling are natural, he has shat all over your marriage, only time will tell if you can get over it, I don't think I would either.

In the meantime, he needs to stay very far away from you and now is the time for you to lean on family and friends, you don't have to go into any details, just say things are not working at the moment.

Jan45 Fri 01-Aug-14 14:52:40

And no you don't deserve any of that, a decent man wouldn't have pics of another woman's genitalia, his actions caused your snooping, not yourself.

ImperialBlether Fri 01-Aug-14 14:54:37

What a pig. If he's received pictures, he's likely to have sent them, too. To be so blatant as to be messaging her while he's in the same room as you is really horrible.

Did you suspect he'd done anything at any other time over the last 14 years?

Ivehearditallnow Fri 01-Aug-14 15:00:54

Vile. So sorry.

Have you told anyone one in RL?

How old are the DC? x

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:05:21

Yes he did send photos of himself, they were on the message thread too.
I honestly thought he would never do this to me, I was a smug married idiot.
From the timing of the messages he's even been sending them whilst sitting next to my kids (not the photos obviously), which makes it worse.
I have no family or close friends near me as I moved away from everyone for his job. I just feel sick and like a stupid little girl, even though I'm rapidly approaching middle age.

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:06:56

DC's are 13, 10 & 6. I've messaged my mum and told her, but she lives at the other end of the country and is looking after my Dn's today so can't talk right now.

midgeymum2 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:08:43

Get him to leave so that you can have some thinking space.

He sounds quite complacent, doing it right in front of you, so that would make me think that he has done this before and you have not caught him (yet) and so he is relaxed enough to be quite bold about it.

What he's done is disgusting. Poor you. And who sends people pics of their vagina??!! Eeewwww. Anyway this is not about her. If my DH did this I'd like to think I'd kick him out straight away and never look back, I couldn't see a way past it either but I do realise that the reality would be very different.

Do think you need some space though.

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:12:05

I always thought that I would leave him without a second glance, and if I was financially independent I would. However I don't have a job as I get incredibly bad migraines, however I can't get disability allowance for them so I literally get no money.
We are just at the final stages of buying a house as well, I am in such a muddle about what to do.

midgeymum2 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:12:11

No you're not an idiot. He is.

Next to his kids? This would make me furious. What a bastard.

machair Fri 01-Aug-14 15:15:07

Horrible. I am not trying to excuse his behaviour but is there some sort of marriage guidance available nearby?

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:15:30

He's being all 'I love you and I don't know why I did it' and saying that he's happier with me now than he's ever been.
If I could see any way of getting past this then I would because I was so happy with him and my little family. In a way I wish I hadn't even looked at the messages.

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:16:58

He wants to go to counselling, but I've tried counselling before about issues from my teen years and I just can't see it helping.
As far as I could see, and as far as he says there is no problem in the marriage. He says he doesn't know why he did it and it never meant anything.

HumblePieMonster Fri 01-Aug-14 15:18:14

No 'guidance' can sort this, surely? Out he goes, and he can spend the rest of his life paying up to keep you and the children in the marital home. Get a cut-throat solicitor - preferably a woman who has seen her mother ripped off in a divorce case.

Go for him it.

marriageisatrainwreck Fri 01-Aug-14 15:20:45

Get him to leave. You need space to yourself. Get mum/friends around. Dont be suprised if u feel like you've been hit by a truck. Over next few days eat and sleep if you can.

You will get through this. Your marriage may or may not.... You need to think about what you want when the dust settles. That's your choice but for now get all thw support you can to get through the next week or so.

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:21:49

He's a great dad normally, does a hell of a lot more with the kids than most fathers.
I think if I did leave him he'd make sure we were well provided for, it's just the logistics of leaving that make my mind reel.

marriageisatrainwreck Fri 01-Aug-14 15:28:29

Just read the recent stuff.

This doesnt have to be the end but that is up to you not him.

I found out about dhs affair 4 monyhs ago. He has been to therapy/seen gp/getting help with his mental health. He moved away. Hes now back in my life and are starting to get back on track. Its been hard. I thought i was always "leave the bastard".... But real life is different sometimes.
Read shirley glasses not just friends (search amazon) . And make decsions in your own time.

Jan45 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:31:18

He will be doing his best to minimise and also get you to feel sorry for him even - all part of the script I'm afraid.

Being a great dad is good, he can continue to do that.

Whether or not you can stay with him and accept and move on is entirely up to you, if things were good between you and he still felt the need to be sexual with another woman, that would actually make me think worse of him, I mean, what happens when things aren't going great???

midgeymum2 Fri 01-Aug-14 15:31:38

He may be a great dad but he's not behaving like a great husband.You deserve more than this. If you choose to separate it will be possible to get finances sorted. Please don't sell yourself short.

KristinaM Fri 01-Aug-14 15:32:38

The mumsnetters on forces sweethearts will be able to advise you on the logistics of separation .

But just ask him to leave in the short term, while you work out what you want to do

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:33:05

He is just coming off anti-depressants, he would never talk to me about what was making him depressed because he 'didn't want to worry me.'
In the messages to her he would talk about what he was up to, and talk about me (not in a bad way). I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I would love to get past this but I don't know if I would ever be able to get the images of the messages out of my head. I feel like I'm in a bad dream at the moment.

CarryOnDancing Fri 01-Aug-14 15:38:51

Surely he's the happiest he's ever been with you because he's been having his cake and eating it. He's got the security of you and the kids and the excitement and admiration of a flirty woman just waiting to sexually excite and tease him.

If this is what he does to you when he's happy with things then where does that leave you?

I don't accept the whole "I wasn't feeling loved so I looked elsewhere" type excuse about the relationship but at least it's better than "nothing is wrong I just did it because that's the cunt I am and it was exciting".

Doing it whilst sat next to his kids takes a different kind!! I know what I'd do...

This must be horrible.
Right now you are in shock.
You won't be able to think straight while he is in the house.
Ask him to leave for a while so you can get some head space to decide what you want to do.
Only you know what your deal-breakers are.
No-one can tell you what to do here.
But get some time to yourself for the next few days.
Can you go to your mums for a few days?
It may be a good place for some love and support while you go through all this.
You have a roller-coaster ride of emotions to go through.
Do it away from him and in your own time.
For now though, look after yourself.
Sugary tea, keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
So so sorry you are going through this.
Keep posting for support.
So many of us have found our DH cheater and we know to some extent what you are going through!
thanks for you.

marriageisatrainwreck Fri 01-Aug-14 15:40:42

Unmumsnetty <hugs>>

He has been a complete shit.

Have some time by yourself. Try not to think too long term or about logistics.... You have had a massive shock.

dreamingofblueskies Fri 01-Aug-14 15:45:43

I just want a cuddle from my dad at the moment, he was always the one who made me feel better when I lived at home. We are going to see my parents on Mon anyway, just got to get through the weekend but I need to be 'chipper' for the kids, they've already been in tears because I was shouting at him.
thanks to all the women who have had to go through this, I never knew how hard it would be. I always thought I'd be furious (and I am) but I never anticipated the heartache.

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