I need to leave help me get the courage to do so

[creole101]

I now know I need to leave but finding it really hard to just do so. I have been married for 8 years, we haven't had sex or intimacy for the last 4. I remember the last passionate kiss being 2009.

Since the birth of our daughter just over 4 years ago he decided he shouldn't have to pay towards her care as we both work full time. He told me it wasn't his responsibility. He then switched his salary from the joint account and would put in £400 - £500 each month, this then meant I would have to pay for all bills including take care of the children (I have an older daughter as well) So I pay about £2800 in bills and since this year he has started paying £700 from his £1800 per month job.

I feel as if life is passing me by, I have worked hard and have had a couple of recent promotions which means I am finally able to pay the household expenses without having to borrow from all and sundry. He has never bought anything bar a few pyjamas and a pair of trainers for his daughter and knows nothing about her care. He recently proudly announced he will buy her school shoes as she starts reception this year. He hasn't asked what she needs and how much it will cost just seemed really pleased he was getting her some shoes.

I just need the courage too pull the plug on this ridiculous situation I have found myself in. I thought I was intelligent and brave obviously not if I have stayed in this for so long.

[CocktailQueen]

What?? Did you sit down and talk this through when it all started? Why does he think this is a reasonable way to behave? What foes he do round the house? He sounds bonkers.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd suggest you get your ducks in a row legally and practically and then hit him with the news that he's going to have to take his £1800/month - less maintenance payments - find somewhere else to live and you'll be in touch regarding how many days a week he cares for the DCs going forward.

He sounds very odd.

[however]

Take things one step at a time. Have you contacted a solicitor? consider that step one.

[creole101]

No discussion he just decided and I let it happen. This is bonkers isn't it. When I was pregnant he was awful to me and he told me I wasn't the kind of woman he wanted a child with. I still can't look him in the eye because of how betrayed I feel at the way he treated me. My father died and he said nothing instead drove to my sister to complain about how awful I was and how we couldn't afford for me to travel to the funeral (in another country)

I guess he just wants to live here because it is 5 minutes to his job. we don't sleep together haven't done for a number of years. This makes me sound like an imbecile for putting up with this

[however]

Not an imbecile. Just vulnerable, and perhaps hopeful that he'd change. You're not the first woman to go through this, and you won't be the last. It happens to the best of us!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The MN word you want is 'cocklodger'. He gets to live cut price at your expense and, even though he appears to despise you, he'd rather stick around than get a place of his own because it's convenient. Are there various nationalities at play here if your father died in another country?

You're not an imbecile for putting up with it but, now you've had enough, you're going to have to act decisively and safely. I don't think he's going to go quietly when he's got it so good.

[notapizzaeater]

Sounds awful, but now you've "woken up"

[however]

I've just re-read your original post. You know it's classic abusive behaviour to step up abuse when the spouse is expecting, or has just given birth? You say he started the financial abuse after the birth of your daughter.

I'll go out on a limb and say he wasn't the perfect husband before your child was born, but it looks like he stepped it up a notch after the birth of your child. Classic abuse behaviour.

[Happy36]

Please, go to a solicitor as soon as you can.

He is treating your family like a business arrangement where he is getting the sweet end of the deal. You need to redress the balance legally to ensure that he meets his financial responsibilities to his children.

Good luck, stay strong, you are intelligent and anyone who doesn't appreciate you doesn't deserve to be a freeloading lodger in your family home.

[hamptoncourt]

Swap him for tax credits. He sounds awful.

Please see a solicitor, even if you don't feel able to take action immediately, it will help you to feel a bit more in control and to know what the likely outcome of a split would be.

I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised at what they have to tell you.

[creole101]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I know it has to be done I will be 41 in a couple of weeks and just don't want to waste any more time now. I'm not thinking of a relationship just want to be free. I just need the courage to do this.

I will try to arrange some half hour sessions with solicitors. I earn more than him and we have a few debts and the house has very little equity so not sure how that will work out. This is my fear losing my children's home. Oh I just want it stop

[notapizzaeater]

Are the debts in your name ? Is the house jointly owned ?

[Jan45]

So what if you've put up for years, you've decided you are not anymore.

He's a user and a complete twunt, stop letting him take any more advantage of you, he brings you nothing.

As has been said, get yourself armed, you are more than capable of starting afresh, on your own.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"the house has very little equity so not sure how that will work out."

You'll probably find that you can either buy out his share of the small amount of equity or that you can negotiate something where you stay I the house with the DCs in exchange for a lower maintenance payment from him. This is when you need a sharp solicitor.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You might not hold onto this house but then again you might be happier in one which you alone are paying the mortgage on with no memories of him having been in it. There's a lot to be said for a fresh new start. From what you have described you are very deserving of one. He's an absolute bloody swine.

If your older child is not his the absolute minimum you will get in child support is 15% of his take-home pay. That should wipe the smile off his face, I hope. Most especially if he's got to finance somewhere else to live from his 1800 a month.

[creole101]

I will need to get help. Your responses have made me tearful. He keeps telling me how ungrateful I am because some money was borrowed for me to finish university. I just feel awful 41 and having to start all over again. This has to be done I am just so unhappy and then he wants to talk about the weather or some other daft subject, who cares

[creole101]

You hear other people talk about things they do with their spouses. Talk, laugh, shared interests, meals out, sex, planning for their future. I have wasted my time with a loser.

He used to tell me he couldn't wait until debts were paid so he could leave me. What is he waiting on

[creole101]

Thank you all so much. I have called some mediators to ask about the process and the cost. I now think this can be done. All in she estimates £4000. Does that sound reasonable including fees to be paid to the courts. Now I just need the courage to just tell him it is over and we need to sort everything out. Right going to get this done now.

I am on holidays now for another 4 weeks so might just have time to sort some things out

[Happy36]

Enjoy your holiday. You are on the doorstep to a positive, new life that you thoroughly deserve.

I can't advise you on the legal fees, I'm afraid, but I would say get the quotes from the solicitor in writing and ensure that they know to tell you if any work they do is outside of the agreed fee.

I don't need to wish you good luck because you CAN do this.

p.s.41 is not old!

[KissMyFatArse]

Good luck op. And once it's done it'll be a weight off your shoulders

[creole101]

I have had a brilliant day today. I feel light and guilt free. I know what I have to do and feel empowered to do it. Thank you all. I have a friend's wedding tomorrow and have gone shopping for myself and children. This is my family just the three of us. Me and two wonderful girls that I am so grateful to be mother to. Another friend came with me and she thought I was strong and brave because I am such a good mother, it was music to my ears.

I can do this, be on my own, work hard and raise two strong women. I will keep coming back here when I feel wobbly as I brave this by myself. i can do this.

[Wisheswerehorses]

Good for you OP. Don't let him change your mind.

[however]

Lovely to hear.

[sunshineandshowers]

Wowsers.you are brilliant. Up and at em lady!

[Quitelikely]

Go girl. I wish I was a fly on the wall when you tell him to stick it. I wonder how he is going to manage paying his accomodation and utility bills plus his maintenance.

Please do not fall for any of his BS if he tries to say stay and work at it. I wonder if he has savings tucked away?

Go. Go. Go. You only get one life, don't waste it on this Pratt.