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Is dignified silence always the best route?

(30 Posts)
Lookingforabetteryear Wed 09-Jul-14 23:03:35

I have come out of an ea relationship, we have a baby togther. Anyway we have mutual friends and acquaintances. So far I've said very little to them/ avoided them so as not to "shame" him. I have no idea what he tells them about our relatipnshp ending but it won't be the truth as to the outside world he's a charmer. I just wonder if I should " tell all" or leave it well alone. I have no reason to ever see said people again.

mameulah Wed 09-Jul-14 23:08:37

Definitely, definitely say nothing. If for no other reason than you don't want him to think he is important enough for you to bother about him.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Jul-14 23:09:57

In this particular situation, I would simply move on and let it lie. It won't help you.

Lookingforabetteryear Wed 09-Jul-14 23:17:53

Yes I think you right- thanks guys. Revenge will be served up in karma in sure!

SecretWitch Wed 09-Jul-14 23:22:43

The less said the better. You have a child together. You will be in each other's lives for at least eighteen years (unless you have full custody of your baby with no visitation)

For my children's sake I have bitten my tongue on many occasions. My ex husband is also a world class snake charmer. He has said unkind things about me to mutual acquaintances several times. I say nothing in return. I think it just makes him look like a dick weasel.

holeinmyheart Wed 09-Jul-14 23:24:09

I agree with the others. It is difficult, when you are bruised and battered not to go on and on to others about it endlessly. However, your mutual friends will be glad if you don't. If you think of anyone else in the public arena who has kept quiet ( or not ie Katie Price) their dignified silence was well respected. How many people are truly interested anyway. A lot may only want to hear the gossip. Talking endlessly about the grief/ hurt also prolongs the healing process.

Stampingmyfeet Wed 09-Jul-14 23:25:46

It can will be frustrating at times, but you will always be pleased afterwards that you chose not to engage.

I call it the power of ignore and it is such a useful tool for retaining your sanity and being able to do things at your own pace.

Keep strong. You don't need to be 'right' for anyone but you.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Jul-14 23:26:28

Yep, he wil be doing damage to his reputation all by himself

Don't be fooled that friends and acquaintances were truly unaware of how badly he treated you. Many people are more attuned to it than you realise but don't wish to interfere in someone else's relationship

Just live your own life, look to your own integrity and let him take care of his own (he will be doing a shit job of it, guaranteed)

Lookingforabetteryear Wed 09-Jul-14 23:26:29

You are right secret. I must remain dignified for babies sake. He pretends to be daddy of the year but so far has cancelled twice on having baby. We will see, I want him to have as little contact as Poss but I have no real grounds for Stopping access.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Jul-14 23:27:58

I think time will sort that problem out for you, love. If he has cancelled twice already, he will lose interest soon enough

SecretWitch Wed 09-Jul-14 23:36:25

My babies are 15 and 18. They started recognizing who their father was fairly young. I never said a word against him. They just began recognizing their Dad was not a man of his word. He let them down badly several times. They are seeing less of him of their own volition.

Just do your own thing, honey. You and your baby are on your way to a brighter, happier life.

GetYourFingersOutOfThere Wed 09-Jul-14 23:36:31

Keep your head held high and your dignity intact.

He will be found out eventually

Lookingforabetteryear Wed 09-Jul-14 23:39:38

Yes thank you for the wise words. Silence is the key

DevonCiderPunk Wed 09-Jul-14 23:47:52

Genders are reversed, but I recall a couple I used to know... She was very vocal about his shortcomings, even long before they split. I don't mean confiding in a trusted person, I mean sitting at pub tables in large groups listing financial disputes, lack of understanding, etc etc. Facebook updates about his latest "crime." I didn't know him that well and thought he must be a right horror. As time went on, she kept on airing their laundry long after the split, whereas he maintained a dignified silence and would only say things like "I'm getting there" if asked. It's now been about three years and I rarely see her, it's too much. However he recently met a new partner, and has retained good relations with all their mutual friends. It was clear before too long that SHE was in fact the EA ex, and few people sympathise with her any more.

So yes, dignified silence is the best route - a charmer's smoke and mirrors can only last for so long.

DevonCiderPunk Wed 09-Jul-14 23:51:51

...also I think it will be better for your self-esteem to keep to the high ground. I am sorry that you are in this position, and hope you get happier and stronger as he fades away from your thoughts.

Lookingforabetteryear Wed 09-Jul-14 23:56:55

Yes v interesting thank you

enderwoman Thu 10-Jul-14 00:06:11

After my split with ex my emotions ranged from angry to tearful to clinical. He left for OW but had been EA so he did me a huge favour.

I used vague cliches like we had grown apart or that we were no longer compatible to describe why we had split. Those phrases seem to not attract further questions so were very convenient.

There was no need for our children to know the truth from me. They have worked out their father's shortcomings on their own and have almost no relationship with him out of choice.

newnamesamegame Thu 10-Jul-14 07:12:21

I would agree with what everyone else has said here I think bitching about a former partner always undermines you in the eyes of others, regardless of who is in the right. There's always two sides to a story and I think outsiders automatically feel there's something a bit cheap about someone who has to PR their side of a break-up. And a twat will always out themself through their behaviour.

The only exception to this is if you are actually being slandered by your ex. If something gets back to you over the grapevine which you know is untrue and damaging, I think you are within your rights to -- calmly and without insults -- put the story straight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 07:41:14

I'm going to go against the grain... smile I suggest you pick one - just one - mutual friend that you connect with, share a few wine together, and then in the strictest confidence tell them something approaching the horrible truth. You can then a) plead in vino veritas , b) maintain the moral high ground and c) rely on the friend to spread the word.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 07:43:44

Oh yes... and the reason I suggest this is because currently the OP is cutting herself off from a perfectly good social circle and isolating herself simply to keep his secret. That's unfair. If anyone should feel embarrassed and inclined to hide behind closed doors, it's him.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Jul-14 07:48:11

I thought op said she had no reason to see these people again, so I thought she meant acquaintances

True close friends of course she should be talking to, as all along this journey

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Jul-14 07:59:00

I thought the OP contradicted themselves there. On the one hand saying they don't have to see them again, which suggests that the only link they have with these mutual friends was the exH or that there was no direct contact and very much in the 'acquaintance' category. On the other they're saying that they 'said very little/avoided them'... which suggests that they still talk and it's a conscious effort not to be in contact.

Lookingforabetteryear Thu 10-Jul-14 08:02:06

What I meant was there is no reason to
See them as I have moved location but some of them are nice people whom i would still be friends with. Thanks for the advice everyone.

caramelwaffle Thu 10-Jul-14 08:32:03

I have chosen dignified silence with one particular ex partner.

Cog's suggestion is grin however: sometimes the truth should be allowed to float out there.

Wishyouwould Thu 10-Jul-14 08:50:03

I maintained a dignified silence when I separated from my ExH even though he continued to be vile and abusive to me. My close friends knew about the abuse.

However when he did something unforgivable (in my eyes obviously) which involved our children (which he shared on YouTube) I saw red and shared some of his past abusive behaviour with a friend who I knew would pass the info on (there's always one isn't there Cog??)

He was furious but I simply replied that I every word I said was true! If he didn't want people to know then he shouldn't have done it in the first place! People took sides and I have lost 'friends' who sided with him. Good, it made me find out who my friends actually were - and they were not the kind of friends I want in my life. I don't regret it. Good luck OP but unfortunately I don't think there's such a thing as karma so don't reply on that smile

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