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Modern day relationship problem please lets share

(37 Posts)
Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 19:34:04

My partner of 3 years stays 4 nights with me but still has his place, we have talked about moving in together and he is thinking about it, in the meantime I have just moved to my dream home, I have two children 18 and 7 and I earn 4 times more than DP. We have agreed we will both pay for the furniture and have a say in how we decorate my/our bedroom.

How would you go about sharing costs considering, I own the house, earn more and have a lot of clothes to fit in to my dream walk in wardrobe? I would like him to feel involved but I also need to be fair. He is happy to do the decorating, and he doeas a lot of work round the house.pleas make some suggestions ?

punygod Sun 15-Jun-14 20:08:38

Similar situation here.

We just feel our way. DP does loads of stuff around the house, which frees me to work.

He tends to buy food, I cover household bills.

If anything big comes up, repairs, etc, we either split it or he pays.

Big stuff we share.

We have no set system. We just make sure no-one feels hard done by.

It works.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 20:23:58

That's Good, so what would you regard as big things to split? We both work full time, he does most of the cooking and I do the cleaning, usually we will buy food.

He helps with my business on some weekends. This saves me at least 12,000 a year in Proffessional fees.

I would speak to a Solicitor about where you both stand legally and financially in the event of separation and have legal agreements drawn up in advance of actually moving in together. Forewarned is forearmed and too many people cohabit without either one knowing their legal rights in the event that the couple separate. It can all get horribly messy, expensive and protracted.

Do you see the two of you getting married one day?.

You need to still be able to protect your own financial interests, do not let fluffy romantic notions of life together interfere with what is the nitty gritty real world stuff.

Lackland Sun 15-Jun-14 20:30:37

There was a thread a little while ago very similar to this.

Was that you too, OP?

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 20:31:08

Thank you Attila, I like your practical advice, I will not let feelings cloud my children's inheritance. I need to find out about solicitors, the thought of them reminds of costly divorce fees and the mess that was.

I would rather not get married for financial reasons, I do definitely want to live with him indefinitely, he is here most of the week anyway. Would I have to change from my married name? I kept it to keep the same name with the kids and it a better name than my maiden name... Maybe that's why I married the .... Ex.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 20:32:46

Hello lackland, I did post but did not get a variety of views so I thought I would try again.

Lackland Sun 15-Jun-14 21:07:18

Well I would pay all mortgage/home improvement bills. Consider what would be an equitable share of running costs (1/4,1/3?) and 50:50 of entertainment costs (holiday, meals, shows)
When I had it clear in my mind what I thought would be fair, I would discuss it with my DP and negotiate any changes. Will you "credit" him for work he does? Will you do his ironing? All stuff to discuss and agree what works for you both.

Oh, and good luck with your life together!

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sun 15-Jun-14 22:15:10

Thank you lackland, that sounds good, there is myself and two kids for holidays and one of him.so I thought I would pay mortgage, and holiday accommodation, the share the rest?

I thought holiday would make up for help in business since he utterly refuses to be paid. How about furniture?

AWalkAroundThePark Sun 15-Jun-14 22:57:26

Definitely see a solicitor.

foadmn Mon 16-Jun-14 00:40:10

Definitely see a solicitor or you are going to lose a great deal of what you have invested.

gateauxauxfruits Mon 16-Jun-14 08:52:44

You married because your ex had a "better" surname then yours? Good heavens.

And you "have a lot of clothes to fit in to your dream walk in wardrobe". The relevance of this is ...?

Bindibach Mon 16-Jun-14 09:47:15

He stays ay yours four nights and the rest at his own place and is " thinking" about whether to move in with you. If he has to " think" about it after three years then I would be concerned as to how committed he is to the relationship. You say you have both discussed it but it sounds like you ate the one who wants to make this more formal, not him. He is happy with how things are now it would seem.

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 16-Jun-14 09:53:28

If I were him, I would be unhappy with this arrangement if you paid the mortgate as you are paying into an appreciating asset whereas presumably his money would be going into food/bills which is 'dead' money essentially (although necessary).

If he is going to improve the house, beyond simple wear and tear, would you be happy to have to sell it if you split up to give him a fair share of the assets? If not, perhaps he should not do that work with any expectation he will benefit from the appreciating asset (your house)- see above.

I think you need to work out the basis of your relationship and then see a solicitor for good advice. Actually, you are in the far stronger position as the law does not recognise common-law husbands and he would be unlikely to get anything. This may not feel fair to him unless he maintains his own place for his own financial security which may be a good idea (if he has bought it).

punygod Mon 16-Jun-14 10:13:20

Big stuff we see as home improvements, holidays, big household repairs, etc.

I own the house outright, so no mortgage.

We sorted our wills out when he moved in, so all protected in terms of legals. Basically, if I die before him, he has a home for as long as he needs it, then when he dies my kids get the house. If he downsizes before then, the kids get the difference.

DoingItForMyself Mon 16-Jun-14 10:40:43

I'm in a similar situation but it will be long term due to dp also having DCs who are settled at their own home and school.

I'd say, treat the home as your own, decorate and buy furniture that you like, if he wants something in particular in your home he can buy it as a housewarming gift for you!

This is your home, he has his own and pays his own bills accordingly. The fact that he saves you £12k a year more than covers his contribution to bills, him cooking and sharing food shopping is a huge help so tbh I wouldn't really expect more than a nominal contribution from him.

If your dp moves in at some point then you can sort out the finances and how your mortgage and inheritance is set out for the future.

My dp earns more than me, he pays for meals out, takeaways, holidays for me and my DCs when we go with him and his DCs. He also sticks £50 in my purse occasionally when I've done a big shop or he's feeling flush.

All household expenses are mine because he saves me on food shopping by taking me and the DCs out to eat at least once a week. Other bills are not increased by having him here 3 nights a week, it just means I have one more person to cook for (oven is on anyway) one more person to sit and watch TV (which is on anyway) and one extra shower in the morning (not going to break the bank!)

If I earned more than him I certainly wouldn't expect him to pay towards my living expenses here, I enjoy having him around and it benefits me to have another adult here, helping with cooking, washing up and making tea.

Bindibach Mon 16-Jun-14 10:57:39

Op...why is he thinking a about it? What is he thinking about?

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 16-Jun-14 22:59:57

Thank you everyone, very sound advice from people in similar situations. Perhaps I should pay the mortgage and all the bills, since he contributes in other ways. 12000 as pointed out more than covers the extra costs since I have two children already. With out without him most running cost of the house will be the same.

To the person asking the relevance of walk in wardrobe etc, the relevance is we agreed to furnish and decorate the master bed room together, I am concerned that it is unfair for him to pay a few thousand pounds for something that is a luxury which will mainly be used by me.

Why is he thinking??? Mmm because he is cautious, he has a great relationship and a hobby he enjoys a couple of evenings a week. He is concerned that he will start to feel guilty about coming home late on the said evenings. He is also concerned that many relationships lose the spark once people get too comfortable. My personal view is that for someone who went to boarding school at 7, with an emotionally distant family, he has learnt to need his own company, perhaps he thinks that living with someone means being with each other 24/7

I am respecting his wish to take time. Bindibash, perhaps you can shade some light on what the correct time scale should be for couples moving in together?

Bindibach Mon 16-Jun-14 23:13:53

I don't think you have any choice other than to respect his wish to take time. He was thinking about it on your last thread too I believe. How long does he need. He doesn't sound like he wants to live with you as a living together committed couple and all that entails. If he himself hasn't asked to live together full time as a couple by now then I don't think he really wants to. I think he likes it the way it is, which is fine if you are happy with that arrangement too. You are obviously wanting him to move in though but I feel that if he did that he would be unhappy. Is this moving in together a deal breaker for you?

I don't think there is a correct time scale for couples moving in together is there? But usually both couples are not wanting to be apart and want to begin a life together. That is the difference.

Lovingfreedom Mon 16-Jun-14 23:24:11

I wouldn't accept anything towards furniture etc in your position. Sounds like it's your house and you don't really want to share it and he does to really want to fully move in. He's helping out with your business so he's not free-loading. I'd just get him to pay a share of food, bring bottle of wine etc, possibly something towards bills. But sounds like he's a frequent guest rather than cohabiting. Better keep it simple (and separate) in my opinion.

DoingItForMyself Mon 16-Jun-14 23:24:55

Fwiw OP, maybe you don't need to live together? My dp and I spend lots of time together but also get to miss each other a couple of days a week. Sometimes i do feel a bit sad that living together is probably 10 years away at least, as we want our DCs to remain settled, but then I realise that we have a great set up really and the domesticity could cause more problems than it solves. We are so conditioned to see married life as the goal, but actually, how many marriages and living together relationships end? It's not the be all and end all, especially second time around once DCs are involved.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 16-Jun-14 23:43:52

Thank you Doingitformysel and Bindibach, yes I was ready to move in together before he was, and yes a year ago I thought it was a deal breaker,however I do love him and he is good with my kids, affectionate, caring etc, a lot of things missing in a lot of marriages. We discussed and he said he is thinking, I don't want to nag so I used the time to decide if it was a deal breaker or not.

Bindibach Tue 17-Jun-14 00:27:24

So if he doesn't want to commit to moving in with you are you ok with it now then because a year is a long time for him to not have made a decision. I think he is really not wanting to take that next step and you may have to accept that he is happy the way things are. He sounds like he wants his freedom but wants to have a relationship with you when he wants to.

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 17-Jun-14 00:58:57

I don't see why you wouldn't continue the current arrangement indefinitely. I think his concerns are valid.

getthefeckouttahere Tue 17-Jun-14 01:06:42

he saves you 12k per year, that should more than cover his rent and bills.

50/50 on food, entertainment and holidays, simple.

If he has his own house he could rent this so he too has an appreciating asset, but thats his problem/business.

IMO it should be set up that likewise your appreciating asset is exactly that - yours.

Doesn't seem too difficult?

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