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Hb had an affair and I am keeping him

(51 Posts)
SaffyStraw Fri 13-Jun-14 21:56:56

My partner of 11 years (married 1 year) had an affair. He says he is depressed and stressed by work, around Easter he changed his behaviours and I knew something was going on. Two weeks later I told my friend and two weeks after that I came down in the morning to find his normally locked iPad unlocked. I looked, I found the evidence I needed. Two days later I sent him a text whilst he was on a work do, she was there too he then lied to her, slept with he and then told her I knew. He didn't come home until following afternoon and admitted to one encounter. Eventually with my pressure and finding more emails he admitted to six month relationship but only met/slept with her seven times. He blamed the depression and said he was in his own bubble of woe-is-me. I love him, I want him ... Have spent the last four weeks talking, making love and checking his emails, calls, etc. I have put her in a box in the loft (metaphorically speaking) and I can contain her. It is not the physical act I have trouble with but the words I have read. In all fairness neither said they loved each other, he just said he had strong feelings of want, desire for her which were different to how he felt about me. Since then we have reconnected and he says whilst down he thinks he was on an ego-trip. He is going to start counselling next week but he also is going back to work, where inevitably he will see her. Am I a fool? He says we are good, he loves me and never wanted to leave me. I still wake in middle of night and check everything for contact none since 27 May. Am I a fool to believe in our relationship or do I make ready for it to happen again? Any past experiences of this appreciated.

Butterflyspring Fri 13-Jun-14 22:00:16

Have you read about hysterical bonding? I think the constant checking could drive you round the twist. It seems as if he has got away with it, and you are doing all the work, and worrying, to get things back on track.

PlantsAndFlowers Fri 13-Jun-14 22:01:03

I was going to say hysterical bonding too.

VitoCorleone Fri 13-Jun-14 22:05:28

Can you live with this constant distrust of your husband? Constantly checking for evidence that this woman is still on the scene? Will you not worry whenever he leaves the house or is at a work do?

Trust takes a hell of a long time to rebuild once its been broken, and i couldn't live my life constantly having to keep my eye on my partner to see if he's up to no good.

And yes, google hysterical bonding

MajesticWhine Fri 13-Jun-14 22:08:50

It will take a long long time for you to regain trust, if you ever do. You have to decide if this lack of trust is something you can put up with, or if it will make you so unhappy that the relationship is unworkable. I wouldn't like to say you are a fool... but make sure he takes full responsibility for his actions. You need to sort out the issues that led to the affair, not just forgive and carry on. My suspicion is that depression and stress at work are bullshit excuses and are attempts to avoid responsibility on his part.

Doinmummy Fri 13-Jun-14 22:09:56

Not all affairs lead to divorce . Good luck to you Op. If it's what you both want and he is willing to make it work then I hope you can get over this.

Make sure though that it's not you doing all the work. Do you think you will ever truly trust him again?

SaffyStraw Fri 13-Jun-14 22:16:18

Oh wooooo just had a quick look, it is me! The checking is once daily not every hour now and bizarrely I believe him about no contact but I just have to be sure. I have never spoken so freely about me, my emotions and he is finally opening up a little. I hope the counselling will help him, as the causal factor, or so he says was the depression. We are giving it our best shot, I don't want to look back in the future and regret anything I have done.

Butterflyspring Fri 13-Jun-14 22:18:39

I don't think he can blame his unfaithfulness on depression - bit convenient doncha think? And maybe he won't have much contact with her - but what if he meets someone else and does the same again?

We are giving it our best shot - surely you mean him?

Cabrinha Fri 13-Jun-14 22:23:41

The causal factor was not depression, it was selfishness.
Until he owns that, counselling won't get him anywhere.

Good luck to you. IME, you'll never trust him again (and rightly so) and that will poison your day to day life.

I know some couples come through it. If it's what you want, I hope you do. But I would say, this early on, DON'T put her/what he did in a "box in the loft". Lucky him. Put it on the fucking kitchen table and let him remember it for quite a while yet. You do not have to do all the work to move on from this - he does. You don't have to learn how to trust him again - he has to make you. It is way to early to bury this shitty awful thing he has done.

SaffyStraw Fri 13-Jun-14 22:28:09

Maybe I am trying too hard! I think what I mean with the depression is he became unbelievably selfish and it was all about him. I suffered, our children suffered I think he thought he was invincible ... But I did burst his bubble eventually. He did mutter something about me forgiving him the other night and I told him in no uncertain terms that was not the case, I would move on but he was to work harder at making it right. I think the challenge will be when he returns to work next week, will I cope? I don't know ... There will be no second time my heart, head, body could not take it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 22:30:47

He says you are good and you've 'contained' the OW. I'm sorry but I don't honestly think you realise what you're letting yourself in for. After just four weeks you're in the very early stages of a highly emotional & traumatic experience and you're running on adrenaline. You will agree to anything to keep this together ... and that's the bit you're going to regret.

I'm also afraid your husband is pulling the wool over your eyes. Someone who is depressed and stressed has lots of options that don't involve screwing around for months on end. He's lied to you very consistently, you've had to drag every piece of information out of him, and he's probably still lying. That's why you're still checking up.... quite normal.

Have you spent any time apart since this happened? Had chance to properly think?

Hassled Fri 13-Jun-14 22:32:22

In similar circumstances with my first H I actually could forgive him pretty easily. Forgiveness wasn't a problem. What I couldn't do was forget about it enough to move on - I suppose only time will tell for you there. I just wasn't able to stop thinking about it.

Cabrinha Fri 13-Jun-14 22:41:00

Ah, children too. How very much harder that makes it. I feel for you.
You know what? It's too soon for you to decide you're keeping him - and for him to know that.
Don't make that decision yet.
Whatever you do, don't feel it's a failing on YOUR part if you can't get past this. This is all his fault, not yours.

Back2Two Fri 13-Jun-14 22:44:48

Um. Depression may make you do many things but it's most unlikely to be responsible for making you shag someone.

You lack energy, motivation, desire etc.....

Butterflyspring Fri 13-Jun-14 22:45:00

did you ask him to leave while you decide what you want. Or did you do your utmost to keep him in the home and keep him away from her. Him returning to work - you seem very worried, understandably, about that?

offside Fri 13-Jun-14 22:50:05

I'm shocked that you let him know you knew about the affair. After which he slept with the OW on the same night and only then did he tell her you knew. That is one manipulative and calculating man.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 13-Jun-14 22:52:04

Sorry op but you asked and yes I think you are a fool. This man is unbelievable. I do feel sorry for you if you stay with him, you're in for a life if misery.

SaffyStraw Fri 13-Jun-14 22:54:21

I didn't want him to leave partly because of the children, partly because I wanted him to talk and partly because he had no where to go and feck yes I was scared he would go to her. I did tell him to leave after I had finished thumping him but he didn't go. I am trying to keep,it normal(ish) as my two youngest are only 9 and 5. I know in my head it isn't my fault, but my heart says I had let things slip too. I guess with us both working, three children, blar, blar it is easy to do so. Don't all shout at me on that point. I am taking it one day at a time and you know I think I might be making this too easy for him. What I would really like to do is to meet her but I feel I might lose the plot and do something daft. Arghhhhhh why is life so bloody painful?

Cabrinha Fri 13-Jun-14 23:01:27

Let's say you were equally at fault for letting your marriage slip.
Did you have an affair?
Love, it's irrelevant.
When your marriage slips you either leave it, or work at it, you don't have an affair.
I'm not shouting. Just think you're justifying to yourself why you should stay.
I wish you could work it out with him, I'm just saying, the odds are against it. Especially when he doesn't appear to be putting in the effort.
You told him to go, and he didn't.
Right now, he should be doing whatever the fuck you ask for, desperate.
Instead, he's staying put and enjoying being treated to lots if (hysterical bonding) sex. Lucky him.
If you feel like confronting her, then this is not in a box in the loft.
You are asking too much of yourself, too soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 23:32:44

His life is easy, you're right. He's behaved very selfishly, shown you and the family zero respect or loyalty, shattered your world and the consequences to him are.... lots of sex, a DW desperate to please and a bit of a chat to a counsellor where he just has to say a few sorrys and point to depression and everything's peachy. So not much really.

Whereas your life is now a mass of anxiety wondering where he is, who he's with and what's going on behind your back while he's at work with his bit on the side. Your confidence is so low that you're even accepting some of the blame. What would meeting the OW achieve? Some big show-down where you say 'get your hands off my man?' Like he needs any more of an ego boost.... hmm

It doesn't sound like he's taken responsibility for his actions and I think that he has to if you want this to work.

Faithlesswife Fri 13-Jun-14 23:59:04

I had an affair and dh wanted to keep me. I felt desperately guilty and wrong so I tried to stay. But the affair was actually a reaction to my misery in my marriage; me doing such a bad thing made it impossible for me to talk to dh about why I was miserable - all the conversations were about how bad I'd been and how sorry I was and how much I'd hurt him. But after two years of this and no resolution of what was wrong with the marriage it ended anyway.

Before you make any decisions you really need to understand why he had the affair. It may be he felt something was missing in your marriage (and it could be something he has a right to expect like respect or it could be something he doesn't have a right to expect like the thrill of conquest). Counselling should help uncover this and with it will help you understand if your marriage is salvageable or not.

SaffyStraw Sat 14-Jun-14 01:06:59

Our relationship was tied up with life; we both work in busy jobs, three children big age range 17 to 5 all with different clubs, etc, house, bills and all the shit you lot know about. We were knackered and although we talked we didn't talk. I tried date night but he never bothered when it was his turn, I would suggest bed and he'd come up when I was half asleep. He says he just thought we were all boring and the same. I did shout at that point and say what the fuck do you expect. I know it was an ego-trip for him and I do believe his work life was crap but that is no excuse. I have lost my self-confidence (and believe me I had loads). my self-esteem and probably my dignity (although trying hard to hang on to it). Have said he has to rebuild me but I think he is stuck at the opening his mouth bit ... Oh Gwad this is a bloody mess ... I know it is only a short time since I found out but I want it all back to normal, whatever that may be ... I am strong so am preparing for the worst I have copies of all emails, payslips, etc, etc just in case I need them. Trouble is will need to start hating him first and at the moment I don't.

He has to re-build you? Did I read that right? OP, I think you need some distance to start re-building yourself.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Sat 14-Jun-14 06:14:47

The number of women who post here saying their husbands were depressed and had an affair because of it never ceases to amaze me because Ive always been under the impression that if a person is depressed there is very little/no desire for sex. That its one of the symptoms of depression - a lack of or no sex drive.

But that aside.

OP - take time out from this even if its just to get your feeling sorted out, to have a break from it all so to speak. It could very well be that you do get together again but it will at lease be from a position of strength rather frantic trying to keep everything in the air at once.

As for normal - things will never be back to normal, but whatever you decide to do you will have a new normal. Hopefully it will be one thats good for you and not one thats fantastic for your husband

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