Oh ffs!

[Imsuchamess]

I went on a night out tonight. My very close female friend was out a guy I knew In high school and my friends partner (and Dhs friend).

I had to turn the guy I knew in highschool down 11 times when he began to be aggressive about it and tried manipulating me into sex. As my female friend who had very high heels on feet were killing I grabbed her partner to dance In order to get away from aggressive guy.

Well next thing I know my female friends partner is touching me inappropriately. So I go and sit down with my friend and aggressive guy. It's nearly the end of the night so I put up with aggressive guy. While making frequent trips to the loo to reduce contact.

My female friends partner whispers in my ear to Facebook message him in the morning. As we are getting a taxi female friend jumps in the front aggressive guy jumps in one side and as I have to get out first and being afraid to sit in the middle I suggest females friends partner jump In the middle aggressive guy starts complaining so female friends partner shoves me in the middle.

So I spend the taxi ride home with both men feeling a leg each. Most men are bastards!

So now I am sat here crying, I keep thing about all the things I could of done different to avoid this like being more forceful. I'm devastated because I now have to tell my friend.

She just text me asking if me and dh will go over tomorrow night to see her and her partner

Why are some men such utter ares wipes?

I have been put in a difficult position now as my friend is quite likely to believe her partner over me. My heart is breaking for her.

Just say your busy and let it work itself out. No point getting involved. Avoid the lot of them for a few weeks while you decide what to do x

Turn your phone off.

I'm sorry you had such an awful time. Those are horrible men.
Time for new friends.
There are lots of suggestion people could make about how to have handled it, but it's so hard when it's you on the spot - be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up with "I should have..." just focus on "in future I will...."
I would tell your partner what an awful night you had, then drop this lot altogether.

Can you tell your dh what happened?

Text friend back stating no we can't come then leave it at that.

Go no contact for the foreseeable future.
Don't answer phone just answer any texts witha polite no , not available comment.

Both men were total shits.

Why wasn't your husband out with you all last night? If it were me I would tell DH what happened first off, then opt out of any contact with your friends partner. Is it possible to just see your friend alone from this point?

You can't change their behaviour, you can only change yours. That does NOT blame you in any way, I simply mean you can only control yourself, dirtbags exist, there's only so much you can do to try and avoid them, and it doesn't always work.

I would suggest if you're ever in that situation again, to just leave. Let your very-close friend know you're not feeling well (or drag her to the bathroom and tell her the truth) and leave. Or call DH to come and get you.

I can't think of a good way to tell DH's friend (and friends partner) except to tell your DH and let him deal with it. You may lose this friend over it, or she may already know and you're not the first. You could try telling her that you can prove it and when she's with you (and he doesn't know) sending the FB msg to him like he asked so she can see for herself.

Gosh it's tough being so gorgeous! I have this problem all the time - my friends husbands and boyfriends are constantly begging me to sleep with them. I can't remember the last time I got a taxi home without being felt up by two of them. I don't know how old you all are, I'm guessing around 20, but unless you want the rest of your life to read like a trashy magazine article, I'd get some new mates.

I don't post much here but do lurk and I wonder if I have slipped into some weird parallel universe with some of these replies?

Op I am sorry you experienced such horrible men, there are good ones out there I promise. None of it was your fault and I would say to the friend what happened. If she tries to deny or minimise then her friendship is no great loss then. Perhaps get this moved to the Feminism section as those posters may be able to offer more support and less of the victim blaming.

But it sort of was OPs fault... she should have spoken up, made a bit of a fuss, told both men where to get off, her friend to get a new bloke and gone home.

The more women who take this sort of crap in utter silence, to embarrassed to make a fuss the more men like these will get their jollies.

Insuchamess I am not blaming you, just the way we women have a tendency to shut up and put up. Tell your DH and your friend exactly what happened. Your DH so he can give you a hug and tell you it wasn't your fault. Also so he can re-evaluate his mate. Your friend so she knows what kind of man she is hooked up with. If she doesn't believe you, who cares? Shes a grown up and responsible for her own choices.

Now, dry your eyes and get on with your day. Don't let such eejits have anything to do with who you are!

The OP is not to blame here! Time to grow up because a man continues to harass her after she said no? And she was too intimidated/embarrassed to cause a scene! This makes me quite cross to be honest.

Re-read me, dontcallmehon.

You'll see I wasn't blaming OP herself, just the social mores that make women stay quiet and accept such shit.

Why should she have been intimidated or embarrassed? She wasn't doing anything wrong.... THAT is what I was blaming!

I told dh as soon as I got home. Needless to say they won't be mates again.

I felt bad leaving as I had begged my female friend to come out, we are both depressed and receiving treatment for it. We haven't met up in weeks. I thought it would be good for us to have a night out away from the kids. I didn't realise her partner was coming till he turned up.

As for aggressive boy he started by dropping hints and gradually started asking more openly. At a few points he said any of chance of you and me I replied with 100% no chance. That's when he started getting aggressive and manipulatiave. I was too scared of him to be more forceful.

Dh would normally be out but it was short notice as I really needed a night out I have three dc with sn and I am depressed and needed a break. It mad my mothers weekend to work so we had no babysitter.

Yes I am mid 20s

I stayed for my female friend who is a extremely close friend. But I can easily just see her when her partner is not there. I didn't cause a fuss about what he was doing because I want to tell her In private alone where her dignity can be maintained.

Why don't you tell her that you didn't enjoy yourself, you didn't enjoy some of the male attention you received (personally, I'd mention the old friend from school but not her husband) and say (not suggest) that in future just the two of you socialise.

Re-read your posts. Does your treatment include counselling? I suggest that you talk to your counsellor about strategies for coping with similar situations in the future. You need to be able to express your feelings and keep yourself safe despite not wanting to upset or antagonise someone else.

The 'friend' was there all night. She has eyes. She could have said something. That isn't how friends behave.

Ffs, I don't post on relationship threads as I don't usually have great advice but I'm gobsmacked at some of the replies here!

"Time to grow up dear" really? Shut up!

OP did nothing wrong! She went on a night out, as many do, it wasn't an invitation for somebody to try and manipulate her into sex. A woman should be able to go out and have a good time without being touched up by some dick head!

I don't go out often anymore but I used to get so fucked off with idiots grabbing my arse or trying to rub up against me. At the time I was young so just thought it was normal and just "boys being boys" if it happened now they'd end up with a fist in the face!

I now realise that it's not normal. My DH certainly would never do it.

OP, I think if I were you I would tell DP and I would tell your friend the truth. If I were her I would want to know what an arsewipe I was with.

Fuming on your behalf

Sorry, am not meaning to blame your friend eithwr, am fuming on your behalf and just feel that it could have turned out very differently if you had both stood up to the men, and if you both had, she would have seen her partner's true colours herself last night. Or maybe she did see or hear something, and didn't want to awknowledge it. But if you don't read it that way, and she couldn't have known, then sorry.

Can't you meet up during the week, just with her (and youngest children if needs be)?

robinsparkles I agree.

Why is the OP being made to feel like she did wrong? Some of the replies are upsetting to read. She didn't deserve that behaviour!

If the OP is suffering from depression, which is a horrible thing to be going through, then my guess is that her confidence and self esteem is low and she was in no state of mind to deal with those a.holes!

I pictured the car ride and it made me feel uncomfortable as I'm not sure I would be able to speak up at the time. It sounds like a scary experience and not OP's fault!

Agree, not OP's fault.

I think in these situations it is easy to feel angry at oneself and to blame (misplaced) ourselves. Perhaps if we don't deal with that, one blames other victims (i.e. on MN). I wonder whether that is what is happening when i read a lot on MN. (Not necessarily this thread in particular).

Hope you get to see your friend, op.

I'm not sure what her age has to do with it either!

OP had an uncomfortable experience, needed time to digest what had happened, came on MN for advice and has been mocked in some responses.

I have received nothing but fantastic support on here when I've needed it and I think it's a shame that OP hasn't

Thank you for the supportive messages I feel a lot better. My dh is particularly angry that aggressive guy took my bank card at the end of the night 10 minutes before our taxi was due and refused to give it back unless I slept with him at this point I told my female friend and she went and got the card back.

I actually believe my female friend is completely unaware she was pretty drunk. So I don't blame her. And as soon as I asked for help she stepped in.

It takes a great deal of guts to say 'Oy, can BOTH of you creeps get your hands off my legs, or i'll have the car stopped and you'll both be chucked out'

The kind of courage that takes decades of life experience and Mumsnet to acquire :)

Very easy to come on here in our mid-40s ans say 'you should done this..'

The fault here clearly lays with the sleaze balls not our OP.

Good your you though t in telling your DH, when you speak to your friend again, tell her about her boyfriend touching you up. He's revolting and she should be going out with a better bloke than him.

You would get a lot of benefit from talking this through with your therapist so that you can learn how to establish and enforce your boundaries.

Hope you're feeling a bit better about it all, please remember that you did nothing wrong, nothing at all.

But it sort of was OPs fault... she should have spoken up, made a bit of a fuss, told both men where to get off, her friend to get a new bloke and gone home.

Nonsense. OP, you did nothing wrong, that pair of entitled wankers were in the wrong. Some people, and it's mostly men, should not be allowed out in public.

Just wanted to join the others in saying this is in no way your fault. It is entirely the fault of the abusive men who treated you like this. So sorry you had to experience this - glad you have started to feel slightly better about it.