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Exclusivety Chat

(28 Posts)
MissPennySweet Wed 04-Jun-14 11:32:34

Posting for a friend wish it was me

Friend has been seeing a bloke for just over a month, things seem to be going well. He's off on a stag for a week in Malia next week and she's wondering what/if she should say anything about sleeping with other people I.e. Make a joke along the lines of "don't sleep with anyone else whilst you're away" but she doesn't want to come across as too much.

I'm on the fence with this one, WWYD?

ladyblablah Wed 04-Jun-14 11:34:20

If you want exclusivity, say it.
You'll soon know where you stand.

ladyblablah Wed 04-Jun-14 11:35:01

P.s. It's not a joke thing. It's quite integral for many people. So it needs to be said in that way.

MissPennySweet Wed 04-Jun-14 11:35:54

Really? I was leaning towards it's a bit too soon!

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Jun-14 11:40:26

Him it's tricky. I don't think we ever had the chat directly. But we did both agree to take out online profiles down which I took to be the same thing. And thankfully so did he.

One month in is very soon.

Useful aren't I?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 04-Jun-14 11:42:10

'Don't shag anyone bigger than Hoss Cartwright' is my standard farewell... smile Doesn't matter if they've just met or been married 40 years really. Someone's either faithful to their current partner or they're not.

akaWisey Wed 04-Jun-14 11:46:46

I'm not sure what being away on a stag do has to do with it tbh. If she wants exclusivity with him now she should tell him.

and for the record I think it's too soon as well.

mariposaazul Wed 04-Jun-14 11:51:16

I must be very old-fashioned(?) but if its too soon to have the exclusive chat its too soon to be sleeping with someone! Are you seriously saying its okay not to be exclusive at the start of a relationship but you can come to expect it after a while?

Lovingfreedom Wed 04-Jun-14 11:52:09

Doubt having a chat will make any difference to what he does. He's either going to be really into be true to her without needing a chat...or not.

MissPennySweet Wed 04-Jun-14 12:02:34

Hmmm true it won't make any difference. But she won't know otherwise will she, whether he's slept with someone else or not?

Dirtybadger Wed 04-Jun-14 12:03:29

No marip you don't just expect it, you explicitly discuss and agree upon it. I don't personally want to wait 4-6 months (probably about how long I'd want to be with someone before discussing exclusivity) to find out if we are sexually compatible, only to then (because we have assumed exclusivity by your standards) have to break things off. Some people wait, some don't.

I would personally feel it was far too early to be discussing exclusivity. If they've been seeing one another for a month they must have only met a handful of times?

purplemurple1 Wed 04-Jun-14 12:07:22

Surely if you are dating you should be exclusive- so if you've discussed if your bf/gf or a recurrent one night shag - you should know if you are exclusive or not.

I'd just ask are we dating? I think its better than 'please don't sleep with anyone' as it leaves room for the agreement to go either way, but at least they both know where they stand.

mrsbrownsgirls Wed 04-Jun-14 12:08:47

bloody stag weekends.
Can't begin to express my loathing for the stereotype

akaWisey Wed 04-Jun-14 12:11:21

She won't know for sure any way, 1 month isn't really long enough to know anyone. That's why she should have the conversation if it's important to her. One way or another it will be a defining moment.

Personally I'd not expect exclusivity early on if I were sleeping with a man, but I would expect us to have that talk at some point if it looked like we wanted something more serious. That's why I don't sleep with men I'm dating though - and that need to have the conversation doesn't arise unless we're both on the same page, as it were.

mariposaazul Wed 04-Jun-14 12:23:32

Maybe I didn't express myself very well - I meant that I would not be sleeping with someone unless we were exclusive but I suppose it is possible if you are dating -but not sleeping together-that they are sleeping with someone else?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 04-Jun-14 12:28:04

I'm old fashioned so when I read this kind of thread I tend to think if she's sleeping with him ie pretty intimate it's not asking too much to hope he won't have sex with anyone else let alone a total stranger on a trip away. But there seems to be an "anything goes" attitude to stag trips and unlike me people seem able to separate sex from being exclusive or serious about each other. (I do know it's the 21st century, honest).

So no I don't think it's being controlling to say to a new bf I hope you don't shag anyone while we are apart. I would suggest she points out that she isn't into the idea that "What happens in {location}, stays in {location}".

Equally she could add that while he's away with his pals, she's not going to be sitting at home all weekend on her own counting the hours 'til he's back.

Definitely have the chat if it matters to her that the relationship is exclusive. It matters more to some people than others, and if you are the one it matters to then you are the one who needs to instigate the chat.

If you are someone who wants exclusivity if you are going to have sex with a new partner, it is actually down to you to make this clear before having sex. Because not everyone thinks that way, and people who are not interested in exclusive relationships are not bad or wrong, they just have different priorities, so crying and whining and condemning someone else's different outlook when you just made assumptions is fairly crap behaviour.

MmeMorrible Wed 04-Jun-14 13:17:09

So if the OP has been seeing someone for a month, sleeping with him but not exclusive so both happy for each other to have other partners.

The stag weekend is a total red herring. You're not exclusive now so why does his going away for a weekend change your view?

I'm another old gimmer - wouldn't be sleeping with someone unless I was sure we were exclusive. Hope you're practising very safe sex.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 04-Jun-14 13:26:08

She won't know either way if he doesn't want her to. He could agree to exclusivity but sleep with someone anyway.

I wouldn't make a specific issue out of it but keep using protection til she's sure of him/he's been tested!!

Jan45 Wed 04-Jun-14 14:10:33

If you are sleeping together then you are entitled to ask that the person you are sharing your body with doesn't share his with anyone else, regardless of the time scale.

You're certainly entitled to asK for exclusivity, but not to expect it or assume that it will 'just happen'. Not everyone wants an exclusive relationship, sexual or not.

getthefeckouttahere Wed 04-Jun-14 15:43:14

hmm id ask, but like ladyblahblah said i would not make it jokey.

mikulkin Wed 04-Jun-14 17:23:27

I am old fashioned - if they see each other regularly and sleep together they should be exclusive. It doesn't matter whether it has been a month or 2. I would make a joke which will lead to discussion and then express my views. It is a free world - if it is important for the guy to sleep with different women let him do so but I am out of picture then...

Chaseface Wed 04-Jun-14 21:14:12

If it matters to her - which it clearly does - then she should ask for exclusivity. But be aware he's entitled to refuse or to end the relationship. But there's no point her being "cool" and having a crap time angsting away while he lives it up.

magoria Wed 04-Jun-14 21:24:03

He could say yes we are now exclusive and still shag anything that moves.

How will OP's friend know?

As others have said she should be making sure she protects her sexual health.

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