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Would you leave this relationship?

(45 Posts)
Mumtotwo0911 Thu 01-May-14 21:57:37

Just to gauge opinions really...

Here's the scenario...

You met him and moved in together a few months later. A few months after that found out you were pregnant. Had baby no1. Soon after baby no1 the relationship turned very sour. He was emotionally abusive at first, calling you a poor mother, lazy etc etc when in fact you are none of these things. Soon after it turned physically abusive (I realise this is where the relationship should have ended but you still loved him at this point) it wasn't massively physically abusive - no black eyes but physical enough. This carried on for the next couple of years in which time baby no2 was born. 2 years ago he really injures you. At this point you involve other people, explain everything and tell them all that next time it's the police. This was a turning point for him. Since then he's made a real effort, he is nice, no longer abusive and he seems to really put you first now. Everything you wanted him to be he finally is.. He really seems to have learnt his lesson and turned a corner. However... You just don't love him anymore. You find him physically repulsive , the thought of intimacy makes you queezy . However nice he is you just can't find a way to love him. Would you try and learn to love him again, accepting he's a new man? Or forget it and move on?

AnyFucker Thu 01-May-14 22:01:22

Move on

AnyFucker Thu 01-May-14 22:02:06

and next time, don't move things along so quickly, especially now you have a couple of kids in the mix

Waltermittythesequel Thu 01-May-14 22:03:11

I would stake my life that he has not stopped being abusive.

This is a pause, not an end.

okeydonkey Thu 01-May-14 22:03:13

Move in, he may do it again and you are worth more anyway

MsHighwater Thu 01-May-14 22:03:44

I second that. If you don't want to be in the relationship any more, end it.

Sometimes things are just broken beyond repair. Knowing what someone is capable of can stop you loving people. I would move on.

Tinks42 Thu 01-May-14 22:05:14

Ummm OP, read back what you've written and ask yourself the same question? Go and take your lovely children with you.

AlbertsJoy Thu 01-May-14 22:06:35

IMHO and experience, physical and emotional abuse kills love. The love is unlikely to return. Time to move on if you can. Be interesting to see if this "new man" reverts to his previous behaviours once he realises he has killed the love you once felt for him? sad

Mumtotwo0911 Thu 01-May-14 22:07:36

I know it sounds like I should leave. But he's really spoiling me at the moment and I feel bad for not appreciating it when he's making such an effort and I'm not sad

Mumtotwo0911 Thu 01-May-14 22:08:42

It almost makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong at the moment because I'm the one not trying

AlbertsJoy Thu 01-May-14 22:09:42

But can you really trust him after all he's done to you OP? Don't feel guilty.

Appletini Thu 01-May-14 22:10:07

Why should you appreciate it? Leave!

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 22:11:35

Move on.

Your guts are probably telling you that this is just an act to keep you sweet. Part of the cycle of abuse, really.

The spoiling part doesn't sound good. It's designed to make you doubt yourself.

You don't want to wait until he turns again.

How long ago did he injure you?

gamerchick Thu 01-May-14 22:11:43

There are some things you can't come back from. A bit like squeezing toothpaste from a tube. You can't put it back in, no matter how much you want to.

So what if he's trying now.. he can channel that spoiling into his kids and if he really has changed he will accept that without a murmur.

MrsKCastle Thu 01-May-14 22:12:16

After all he's put you through? You owe him nothing. He destroyed your trust in him. Move on.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 22:12:26

Why should you be trying?

He has to do all the leg work to make you trust again. Do not feel guilty. He's on probation, not you.

aylesburyduck Thu 01-May-14 22:13:14

The answer is yes. Leave. As a PP said this is just a pause.

WhoNickedMyName Thu 01-May-14 22:13:56

He senses the change in you so he's treading carefully, on his best behaviour for now, till he's got you back where he wants you.

It won't last.

daughteritsmeagain Thu 01-May-14 22:14:13

move on.

Mumtotwo0911 Thu 01-May-14 22:14:21

It was almost 2 years ago now. It started in 2009ish so about 3 years then he stopped when I stood up for myself

Scarletohello Thu 01-May-14 22:19:52

Check out the cycle of abuse. Is this familiar to you? Sounds like he is in the honeymoon phase but it's only a matter of time before he becomes abisive again...

www.respect4women.org/what-is-abuse/the-cycle-of-abuse/

AdoraBell Thu 01-May-14 22:21:09

I would read that spoiling as manipulating and or bribing.

In your shoes I would walk away, but be aware that abusive people really turn nasty when their víctim leaves.

So, if you decide to leave involve other people, family, friends, police DV unit, Women's Aid.

Simplesusan Thu 01-May-14 22:21:52

Move on.

Hassled Thu 01-May-14 22:22:24

You don't trust him anymore and really - why the hell should you? Trust is very, very hard to win back - and you can't force it. If it's not there, it's not there.

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