Just found out dh having an affair... and am not devastated by it

[lemondust]

Our marrit age has been in the pits for quite while. We have had fairly major issues around parenting our 3 dc and the way he talks to me. He is a controlling person and can be very patronising and demeaning which over the years has ground me down. His approach to parenting is to shout and bully (in my view). Life is calmer and more predictable when he is away.

He was diagnosed with depression and things hit rock bottom around Xmas last year. And one of the things to suffer was our sex life. We have now not had sex for 6 months... to me sex is wrapped up in enjoying being with someone. I couldn't have sex with someone i barely liked to be around.

So a few months ago he stopped going on about sex, he put a pillow between me and him in the bed. He also texted me about 2 months ago saying he was stuck at work but then I got a text 5 seconds later saying "kettle on!". I looked on his phone later as I knew something was dodgy and saw the cryptic name he then sent the small text to (after I told him he had made a mistake). To be honest I ignored it after that, there wasnothing incriminating on the phone. He has been away with work and going out a lot recently, every night last week so yesterday I thought I would just take a look again. His logs show he contacts this woman every evening and he had been careless and left message string behind.... It was pretty disgusting about what he wanted to do to her. Since then I have had one more look (as he kept sneaking off with his phone of a day trip out) but he has cleared the logs and changed her name on his phone. It's obvious what it is now though and he contacted her again last night. Not sure if he suspects I know.

So what do I do now. I am a bit numb about it, but not devastated. I have felt waves of panic over the last year that I would be trapped in a shit marriage that was sapping me of my confidence. I just didn't have the guts to be brave and proactively leave.

And now it has come to a head, no way will we salvage anything from this. Whatever threads our marriage was hanging on by have gone. But I am not sure what to do next.... I don't need to do an all out screaming match, but I am still scared and nervous. As soon as the words are out my mouth my world changes...

[lottieandmia]

What do you want to do?

I would try to get evidence of the affair. And consult a solicitor. You need to make sure that you and your dc will have what you need.

[CogitoEggySometimes]

I'm sorry you've been let down so badly. Do you have anyone IRL that you can trust and talk to? It's natural to feel apprehensive about the future - yes the world is going to change but probably for the better - and you're going to need moral and practical support. In the meantime, I suggest you tell him to step out. No screaming matches required. You don't even have to explain why.

[lemondust]

I want us to separate... i know that. And i know i can survive financially on my own. But i look at my 3 kids and i almost want to delay the inevitable... He has been really been much happier around them recently (undoubtedly now because of the high of fucking someone else) and they have really responded well. It feels like I am at the edge of something that will ultimately be for the best but there is a heap of cap to get through first. Starting that process is nerve wracking.....

[lemondust]

Aahhh. Sorry for all the dodgy typos... on phone

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

First things first. Protect yourself. Any joint finances? If you're thinking of separating, you need to make sure you put aside any paperwork to keep safe that you might need (passports, birth certificates, paystubs, and so on). And if you have a joint bank account, do something to protect yourself - put some aside in an account that is in your name only. If you don't have one, open one online (there are a couple that will open an account online) and transfer some of the money into that.

[CogitoEggySometimes]

How old are your children?

[lemondust]

Thanks Alice... its that kind of stuff i need to know. Despite the situation i am in a 'good' position of not having a huge outpouring of emotional an turmoil about the betrayal. But it's still a massive thing.... do I need evidence? I should have taken a photo of the messages before he deleted them...

[lemondust]

Kids are 10, 6 and 3

[CogitoEggySometimes]

You don't need evidence in order to tell him to get out. You don't need evidence of adultery for a divorce either. Just tell your solicitor that the relationship has irretrievably broken down and they'll do the rest.

[CogitoEggySometimes]

My guess is that your elder children will have already sussed that there is something very badly wrong in the way he behaves. If he's subjected them to shouting ad bullying and you may even find that, like you, they are not overly distressed at the prospect of him going away.

[pinkflaming0]

I don't know why you'd 'need' evidence of adultery. It has no bearing on finances in the event of divorce and you don't need to prove adultery to get a divorce.

[ImSoOverIt]

It sounds like this affair is what you need to get rid of him for good, and deep down I think you know that. It is still a horrible thing to go through though .

You are in a strong position here. Gather evidence of the affair any way you can, it will help you get a quicker divorce. Get all your affairs in order. See a solicitor ASAP. Only the tell him that you know and you want him out.

Please try to confide in someone in real life that you can trust and will not tell him, or anyone else what you know.

So sorry that this is happening to you, but it appears that ending your marriage will be the only way you will be able to find happiness again.

[Flux700]

Make a note of what you read and the date. I'm sure there will be more evidence coming very soon if you do want to photograph it.

What is your plan? Can you set a date In Your head that you will ask him to leave? It must be really hard looking at your how happy the kids are but it's for the best really as your kids do need to have parents who have a healthy loving relationship.

[hamptoncourt]

OP, One of my marriages ended like this. I was no longer in love with him , no sex, was just bumbling along waiting for the end, when I discovered he was having an affair. He had actually had her stay in our home and sleep in our bed whilst I was away for a week!!

Anyway, I never told him I knew.

I just told him I didn't love him any more, didn't fancy him any more, and that I was off. I can assure you he was utterly shocked and it was brilliant revenge. It took ages for him to get over ithimself.

For me it was far better to just give him the cold shoulder than to start trying to dig up loads of evidence about his affair.

You do realise that it doesn't matter at all in terms of any financial outcomes? He/you could have been shagging half the county and it will make absolutely no difference. Just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and move on with your life.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

There were tons of things I had to go through and change:

• bank account details
• life insurance beneficiary
• will
• rescind permission for him to make changes to any and all accounts (household or other) that were in my name
• copies of his last few payslips (which turned out to be useless as he up and quit his job, but hey ho)
• tenancy changed to my name only (done while he was still being cooperative enough to agree)
• changed passwords on any and all online email accounts, bank accounts, facebook accounts, and so on.

My situation was slightly different in that my STBXH was abusive (I found out about the cheating afterwards). But it never hurts to be thorough and cover all bases to protect yourself.

[Glitterpig]

lemondust are you ok? I noticed your thread earlier as I'm in much the same situation as you. As much as the situation looks about to resolve itself, there is still fallout from it, and a sadness at the conclusion to a relationship that once held so much hope.
(incidently I was on the phone to ExDP as soon as I discovered a few emails, no hunting around for more evidence).

[DontLookNowTheresABearBehind]

When I was unhappily married, one night a man phoned me and said my husband was having an affair with his girlfriend. I used this information as the opportunity to tell him to leave and to split with him while 'public opinion' would be on my side.

[DontLookNowTheresABearBehind]

That doesn't make sense. 'Him' being the then-husband.
Taking advantage of my opportunity, didn't mean that the end of the marriage was easy or painless.

[lemondust]

I am doing ok, but things have moved on. Yesterday we had another fight about his behaviour towards ds1. He asked me why I was being so cold and did I not want to 'fix' our relationship? That was almost laughable considering what I had read on his text messages. So i told him I was not as stupid as he seemed to think. Since then all has been deleted from his phone and he came clean this morning.

He says he was flattered by the attention of someone he used to work with and flirting turned to a sex text relationship. He says they haven't met up and no sex. He says our relationship is at rock bottom and he needed some kind of sex outlet as we are no longer sleeping together.

I told him it was over, no hope of return. ... so why the he'll do I feel sympathy for him! !! Am so cross with myself. I am questioning my own judgement. Breaking up from my kids dad over text messages? Is sex texting awful? Is it the point of no return? Why do I not just hatehim and tell him to fuck off. I don't want us to continue but feel sad... suddenly I am worried that I am a shit person who has somehow caused this?

[lemondust]

Don'tlook - that's about right... This is our way of ending it with a reason... rather than 'we just don't get on anymore" which seems more selfish.

[GrassIsSinging]

You do not have to 'hate' him to acknowledge that your marriage is over and that the sex texts were just the final nail in the coffin. you sound miserable. That is enough reason to get out.

There doesnt have to be someone to 'blame' to end a marriage if it is not working out.

[lemondust]

You are right grass, I know that I guess.... I am just so worried of making the wrong choice here. It feels like a crossroads

[SweetErmengarde]

You did not start this, OP...

HE put a pillow between you in bed rather than try to restore intimacy.
HE sought a sexual outlet outside of the marriage.
HE lied, deleted and covered up rather than address the issues.

And please bear in mind "the script" - he will only admit to the bare minimum, so if he admits to sexting, there's a strong chance there's more.

[CogitoEggySometimes]

Agree with the PP that you wouldn't be breaking up over some text messages. You said your marriage has been poor for some time and this is a last straw moment.

Wrong choices are always a risk, especially when you're weighing up 'the devil you know' against 'the unknown' and trying to decide which is better. There's nothing to stop you going for a halfway position while you make up your mind. Separation can be a useful stepping stone.

[lemondust]

Yes i agree separation would be a good stepping stone. I think I am trying to have answers to everything now, trying to figure out the best course of action... but I can see that's crazy. I will never know what's the best path, Iguess I can only judge things as I know them now.

Have read stuff about the script before on here. He said earlier he was telling me because he loved and respected me.... uh, no you told me because you knew I knew