This is a truly awful situation. Some background - DH and I are together 4 years. I wouldn't have a close relationship with his parents as they are quite difficult and there has always been some kind of drama in the family with fights. fallings out etc. Over the years I have realised that DH has come from a very abusive and difficult family. This has a negative impact on our marriage but we work at it and DH is very self aware and knows he has picked up "wrong" behaviour and has slowly been changing. Not easy but he is doing well and I am very proud of him.
He is very protective of his mother because she has suffered physical, emotional and financial abuse over the last 45 years. Things have become worse recently though between her and FIL due to a falling out between her and dh's sister and dh is frightened and doesn't know what to do. He has other siblings who don't talk to mil so he really struggling.
Thing is - we have tried to persuade her to leave, have offered to have her with us (short term because neither of us could live with her long term as she is very controlling), have tried to get her to go to gp, counselling and womens aid. The situation at home is horrendous and dh is afraid to confront fil incase it makes things worse.
I don't know what else to suggest. I know she is impossible to talk to but she keeps phoning and texting dh and I about what is happening there but we can't get her to leave. Her own sisters have tried as well. FIL comes across far more together and pleasant than her but I have heard him scream and shout at dh when he tried to intervene so I know he is an abuser. He has been violent in the past - both mil and dh have told me this and still makes threats.
What the hell do we do? I have suggested calling the police but dh freaked out. I can see why. She doesn't seem ready to walk away and I could see that making things worse unless she herself calls them. She did one counselling session and didn't go back. I think she lives in fear and is so used to it she is too scared (and feels too old) to take that step.
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Relationships
What to do about PIL situation? Abusive FIL towards MIL
MrsMoon76 · 22/02/2014 23:17
I think it's terribly hard if you're married to an abusive person. 45 years ago it was simply much much harder to leave. The abusive person could work on you so you ended up completely under their thumb. I sometimes think the controlling behaviour of the subordinate partner is due to needing some sort of control over their life, cause they can't control the most important bit, ie physical emotional safety.
But once it's gone on too long the abused person is too deeply ingrained in the pattern that's been established. Unfortunately, there is nothign anyone else can do to force them to leave. Only they can. No one else can do it for them.
I'm so sorry, you're clearly there for her if she ever gets to that point. But until that point, there is nothing more you can do except look out for your husband.
If the calls / texts become a massive strain on you, then terribly sadly you may have to choose not to answer all of them. Only what you can manage. Very very hard choice, since it leaves her more isolated, but as you cearly realise, you and your husband have to prioritize each other or else get dragged down deep yourselves.
I hope you two, and she, gets a break sometime before long. 
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