Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you ever totally get over your marriage break up

(38 Posts)
TortillasAndChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 10:19:05

Ex and I split two years ago - to cut a very long story short, he treated me very badly, had two affairs after DS was born, and left me for one of those women (while telling me he just needed time to think - the truth came out later).

Anyway, most of the time I feel over it. I don't think about him too much. I don't feel attracted to him. I don't want him back. I'm excited about the future and would love to meet someone else.

But sometimes, out of nowhere, something happens to trigger a memory of something he did that really hurt me, and I still feel so sad and upset. Or something will fall into place, and I'll just feel so sad that someone who was supposed to take care of me and be my partner could betray me. For instance, a couple of things happened this morning that I triggered a memory of just before he left me when he told me a friend had given him a few night shifts to do for extra money (he owned a business). I'd totally forgotten about it but remembered today and thought, he didn't work those night shifts, he was with another woman, and I was here with our baby.

Like I say, these are fleeting moments and happen less than ever now. But I just wondered if anyone else gets this and if it ever goes away? Or will I always feel a bit sad and betrayed because he did this to me?

1983mummy Thu 30-Jan-14 15:38:40

I split with my husband a year ago. I no longer wonder what he's up to be with whom. Likewise I have no guilt for what I get up to. I was psychologically abused by him for a year whilst he covered up his affair. At the time I was very depressed and extremely unhappy. I may be lonely now, but that beats crying myself to sleep every night! I'm also happier and such an independent woman. However there are certain flashbacks of our time together and I remember how he lied to me. I suppose I know ill always feel relief for getting out Of it, but I think how he treated me for a whole 12 months and the heart wrenching pain will never go, just fade.

Chyochan Fri 31-Jan-14 09:36:08

In 20 months on and it still hurts a lot but its great hearing from others who have got the the 'meh' stage.
I worry a lot that it still bothers me and I end up thinking about it so much after this much time.
But I know that MUST change over time, surely its not physically possible for it to carry on hurting over time.
Im really looking forward to feeling indeferent, and thinking of ways I can use this to end up having a better life.

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 17:57:37

I am getting on for two years on and have just today posted an update on here to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would say that I am over him, but there are still things that trigger sadness. But I have recently started seeing somebody and that has helped to show that I no longer have feelings for XH.

I do think that it is normal to still have sadness over what happened though, which is separate to having feelings for XH.

It is different for every individual as to how long it takes to get over it etc. It still hurts me to think of what he did but it no longer hurts to hear about him and OW and I am at the point where I truly think that they deserve each other.

I am still not at the indifferent stage with XH as I despise him too much for that.

Sorcha1966 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:05:08

yes am SO over it !

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:28:56

Semiskim, yes that's how I feel about OW - she didn't put my son first, she put herself first, and that is part of what makes me dislike the fact she gets to spend time with DS.

I definitely think I would possibly be feeling more 'meh' by now if I didn't have to see him every week when he picks up/drops off DS

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:29:36

Skye, I remember reading some of your posts ages ago. I'm glad you're doing well.

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:30:42

Oh and by the way, i had never even heard of 'meh' until I discovered mumsnet, and above I have used it in a sentence for the very first time grin

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 23:34:36

It is difficult when you can't cut all contact because of DC. I detest OW because XH tries to drop DD if OW wants to do something. DD resents her always being there when she goes to XH's and is confused because she thinks he is married to his mate.

XH now pisses me off on a practical level though not an emotional one so I suppose Meh would be a good word for it smile

gigglekicks Sat 01-Feb-14 07:38:15

Yes, totally. No bitterness, no sadness, nothing. He left me for a woman he got pregnant just after my DS was born. It took years, but the only thing I feel is relief.

3mum Sat 01-Feb-14 12:07:35

Yes, 2 years down the line and divorced from my cheating XH. Really feel nothing for him now. Don't care that he is with OW. Would not want him back in a month os Sundays.

Still feel p'd off at how he lied to me for months about having split up with his affair partner and how he wanted to be with me not her, win my love back etc when he could have saved me months of grief by just manning up and saying he wanted out. However, I assume with time that will fade too.

FlirtingFail Sat 01-Feb-14 12:16:18

I know exactly what you mean about the flashbacks. But 4 years on they have pretty much gone away, as has the sadness. flowers for you, OP.

Birdsofafeather Sun 09-Feb-14 08:19:27

For me I don't want my stbxh back because of how he treated me, plus a years meant I've moved on...however how do people cope with the what if, the regular wondering what if?

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:30:04

I think you ultimately can get over absolutely anything in life, and the speed at which you do it is largely down to your own attitude.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now