Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Do you ever totally get over your marriage break up(38 Posts)
Ex and I split two years ago - to cut a very long story short, he treated me very badly, had two affairs after DS was born, and left me for one of those women (while telling me he just needed time to think - the truth came out later).
Anyway, most of the time I feel over it. I don't think about him too much. I don't feel attracted to him. I don't want him back. I'm excited about the future and would love to meet someone else.
But sometimes, out of nowhere, something happens to trigger a memory of something he did that really hurt me, and I still feel so sad and upset. Or something will fall into place, and I'll just feel so sad that someone who was supposed to take care of me and be my partner could betray me. For instance, a couple of things happened this morning that I triggered a memory of just before he left me when he told me a friend had given him a few night shifts to do for extra money (he owned a business). I'd totally forgotten about it but remembered today and thought, he didn't work those night shifts, he was with another woman, and I was here with our baby.
Like I say, these are fleeting moments and happen less than ever now. But I just wondered if anyone else gets this and if it ever goes away? Or will I always feel a bit sad and betrayed because he did this to me?
Obviously the title is a question - for some reason I decided to go punctuation-less...
I get this 20 years on from a break-up. However, the difference is that in the early days I would feel very upset at these flashbacks whereas, as time has worn on, I simply feel slightly sad.... or I look back on the experience in a detached way to reassure someone on MN that how they're feeling is normal
If you're still in contact with your ex because you have a child together it makes it less easy to detach completely. Breaking up is as traumatic as a bereavement... two years is not that long.
Everybody will still smart from bad things that happened in the past, that's normal. Things tend to fade overall though although simple things like smells or music can take you right back there clear as day. What helps, is when you can overlay a positive life after the bad so you realise things are better and the bad times have helped to make the good life since then.
Yes. I'm so over it too.
My ExH used to trot out lies whenever it suited him. There's a couple of pointless whoppers that I think about occasionally and just remember thinking at the time that I KNEW he was lying about something, but I didn't really give a shit anyway. I was detaching in hindsight.
One of his big lies was that he'd been sacked from his (quite decent) lorry driving job. He fairly soon found another job, but less money and worse hours.
A couple of months later the boss from his decent job phoned me and asked to pass a message on to ExH as they had a bit of casual work they could offer him. I told how did he have the effrontery to be handing out titbits to H when he'd sacked him? The poor man hadn't got a clue what I was talking about! He asked me to forget he'd said anything.
I think the new job started and finished earlier, which meant H got more time to fuck off to the pub for the afternoon. When I challenged H about it he was all indignant and blustering. He had to rush out to 'sort' it. I think he just went down the pub again tbh. It was never raised again. I just though 'meh'.
I think 'meh' when I think of him now. If I think of him at all. Its just posts like these when I do!
In fact, I feel nothing but relief and peace.
I get flashbacks too, 18 months on from separating. My ex had a long term affair and built up huge debts, all hidden from me.
I think the sad thoughts are inevitable. You were treated badly and lied to, it will take time to get to the 'meh' stage.
We are very nice and civil to each other because that's best for DC. But I occasionally see something that sort of takes my breath away, e.g. an advert for a flight to New York. He took OW there while he was having the affair, but we had no money for a family holiday. It reminds me of how little he thought of me and our DC and that's painful.
I'm hoping that as I build a new life for myself, I will get more philosophical about the whole thing because it all contributed to where I am now (in my future happy life)!
XH and I split up nearly 3 years ago and I am 95% over it all I think. But sometimes I remember things and it still aches a bit. I think the old cliche of time being a healer is probably right here. And having children with him means it is hard to completely move on right now where both of us have to facilitate them seeing him.
Yes. I am over it as well, 3 years on.
Unbelievably painful or frightening things at the time. They now stir no emotion in me when I recall them. I just feel it is a great shame that these things happened, but they don't hurt present-day me.
Yes. I am completely meh about it (4 years on).
I initiated the split, following a period of financial abuse.
Our relationship had a history of him putting his needs above mine and belittling / denying mine.
By the time we split I hated him, so I never missed him. Hate has now diminished to meh and disinterest, unless it affects DC when I get angry on their behalf.
No, 7 years on and I still get upset about the split.
I am also 2 years on.
Ususally, I don't really get upset about it any more (because I don't let myself). But I do still have the odd moment. On my birthday I got myself all in a tizz, just remembering all my birthdays with my ex. And also just thinking my life isn't where I want it to be and I'm another year older.
I also have quite a lot of nostalgic moments, thinking back on nice holidays etc.
I also think it has changed how I re-act to men. I'm pretty distrustful and I think it's because I had my fingers so badly burdened. If I meet someone who I know there is no future with then I can flirt away and enjoy myself. If it's someone with long term potential I finder it much harder to relax and just go with it.
But I suppose I'm assuming all of the above will eventually pass with time, so I'm not worrying about it! Or I'm trying not to worry anyway.
also just thinking my life isn't where I want it to be and I'm another year older.
Oh yeah - that stuff definitely aches. Because it's a present-day concern.
I'm 5 yrs on and mostly over it (and much happier than I was married) but I do get moments, I think that's normal - like others often triggered by music or just some specific memory. They are less frequent now than they used to be and are more sad/nostalgic than overwhelming but I think it's inevitable where you've had such depth of feeling for someone.
I do think back to the affair time a lot and it bothers me that I'll never know the full truth of what happened - like a whole section/time of my life wasn't what I thought it was, which is a bit of a headfuck. Not sure I'll ever get over that although can put it behind me and again don't think of it too much. Plus I've met some really nice men since who are very different to my exh, which helps.
So I expect it to continue to get easier but it'll always be an 'old wound'
yes and occasionally 'what should have been' for instance places we were going to go together or thinking about the future I thought I'd have with him and the children/ potential future grandchildren etc - which is just kind of grieving the loss I suppose
Thank you for all these lovely replies. It makes me feel like I'm normal. It's also strange how when the break up was happening, I felt like such a failure and like my situation was unique - reading some replies makes me realise it's not just me, and i was unlucky, as are a lot of people.
Cogito - thank you. You've replied to things I've posted before and are always very wise and reassuring. Thanks for the reassurance that 2 years isn't that long.
Semiskim, your situation sounds quite similar to mine in some ways. At one point, ex 'borrowed' my credit card and used it to pay for day use hotel rooms and a spa day. This was when he wasn't contributing anything to the household bills, and I was spending all my savings on just getting by. I think it's the betrayal of not just me but our little boy that shocks me.
Teeny - my ex used to believe his lies in the end, and would get so angry with me if I caught him out.
It's good to know that there are some people a little further along who are upset less and less by the memories. Hopefully that's where I'm heading. As I say, I can go for weeks without thinking about it at all really, but then something happens and brings back a toned down version of my feelings from 2 years ago.
Diagonally, had my ex not had the affair and left, I wonder if that would have happened to me too. We would have ended up apart because I would eventually have said enough is enough.
I would also like to echo Hermione who says she is happier than when she was married. I am too, generally. My life is a lot more interesting and I grab it if that makes any sense. When I was with my ex I was pretty bored/dull a lot of the time.
So on the whole, not over it, no, but getting there.
I am now completely over it - feel no connection to ex-H at all, but it took me about six years to finally shift it.
Hermione - yes I am only just coming to terms with the fact I will never know what happened, and that the first year of my DS's life wasn't what I thought it was - and it should have been so different.
I have also found it frustrating that ex is still with OW. I am getting used to this now but for a while I felt like I needed their relationship to fall apart before I could be truly happy. Weirdly the thought of them together doesn't affect me very much anymore though - although the thought of her around my DS twists my insides.
I'm two years a bit on, still getting memories etc the OW making friends with my neice on FB and then posting a photo of her on the night she 'met' my H (photo is obviously a pub i recognise, and the other people are from his work). Hes wearing a shirt, the first piece of clothing he ever bought on his own in over 25 years of knowing him, was another piece of the jigsaw fitting into place. Had a flashback to me innocently asking him when he got the shirt as i'd never seen it before, and him fobbing me off he'd had it ages, now believe he got it with her. Know they didn't get together that night, as i was told at the time he arrived already with her (it was a work night out).
But life is getting better, i'm doing all sorts of things i never would have if i was still married. Am now a student again, studying around work hours, and doing voluntary work, with the intention of getting a much better paid job in a few years time.
Actually prefer it that H is with OW, while my sons don't want to see her and ex prefers to see her rather then them most of the time, i'm the winner. He can't ever get back the time hes lost, or the knowledge of what happens to them. But on the occasional times ex brings OW to collect sons it tears me apart still Don't think i'll ever get used to that.
Thank you to everyone whose posted they are several years on from me, makes me feel so much better, and that long term things will ok again.
Oops, using phone and posted too soon
His behaviour impacted me and the way I cared for our children- that's what really hurts when I look back at the affair time.
It must be really hard to deal with if he is still with OW. Mine is with his too. I feel as if they enjoyed themselves at my and our DCs expense and are carrying on as if everything is ok.
Well it is ok on the surface and we are all peasant, but the triggers just take me back to the devastating feelings when it all came out. I am holding on for when time heals and meh kicks in.
Gah, I lost a post there.
I was saying I feel the same way when I think of OW seeing my DC. They don't hear anything bad from me, but it twists me inside that I send them off to be cared for by someone who didn't care for them at all during affair time.
I can see how ex may actually care for the children as they are his. I can't see how someone who accepted lavish gifts and holidays to New York, Paris, Spain - knowing his own DC didn't even get a holiday in the UK - will have their best interests in mind.
I'm now 4 years on and totally disconnected to my ex now.
I still have the odd memory though. Friends we no longer holiday with etc..... and it is sad.
He is no support at all to my DD. No financial or emotianal support. He's a total and knob and it's good to realise this.
I felt a failure at first too.
But you soon realise it was him and there was nothing you could have done to stop it.
Family and friends were an absolute a saviour at the time.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.