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Is DP too much of a liability??

(52 Posts)
StellaBrillante Wed 29-Jan-14 10:58:05

DP and I are just going through the motion of joining households and all seems to be falling into place nicely. We get on really on, have worked through whatever issues have cropped up so far and DS has really taken to DP.

Firstly, let me say that this man will go through great lengths to ensure that we are well and happy. He's incredibly attentive, thoughtful and generous, not only in a material sense but with his time and effort.

Unfortunately, he's also partial to the odd 'white lie' to get himself out of trouble and doesn't always does things by the book. I am no 'goody-goody two shoes' but I do believe that certain things are non-negotiable. Well, I found out last night that his driving licence was revoked a while ago (no idea when or why) and that he got caught going over the speed limit after that so he is now being taken to court for the speeding offence as well as for driving without a valid licence. Obviously, I don't even dare to think what the situation is with his car insurance - which incidentally, I often drive myself having confirmed with him (and naively accepted his response as being true) that he had added me to his policy.

I don't even know where to start on this one. 1. How do you let things get to this stage?; 2. Is he keeping this hidden so as not to taint my opinion of him or what other reason could he have?; 3. whatever his reason may be, how do you put that above your obligation to act responsibly?; 4. is this man simply immature?

I am now starting to wonder whether he is really divorced... Not that it matters at this point but I don't want to have been told a lie. I've been introduced to the ex-wife so at the very least, they are definitely separated and have been for many years but where do the lies or secrets end? At which point do you decide that a relationship is simply too much hard work and walk away from it? Plus I have no way of confronting him about the licence without admitting to snooping, although the court papers were in a pile in the kitchen so hardly hidden.

oranges Wed 29-Jan-14 10:59:17

that would be too big a lie for me to continue the relationship. He has had you driving while uninsured.

Beanymonster Wed 29-Jan-14 11:02:37

I think maybe he was embarrassed, and in a different situation I think I might have been able to get over it, but the fact that (I assume?) you had your ds in the car with you as well, which you Wernt insured to drive (through no fault of your own) sounds like a 'let's take a break, your an immature idiot' conversation waiting to happen sad

Tuhlulah Wed 29-Jan-14 11:05:10

Oh dear.

I can tell you from bitter experience that this will have repercussions for you. You are already starting to disbelieve everything he says. That will get bigger. Because the little white lies won't stop, and they may not be totally important in themselves but they will shatter your trust so that you end up not believing him, he'll get pissed off that you don't believe him, rows increase, etc.

I am not a doom monger by any measure. But this is actually a problem, and it won't bring you happiness.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 29-Jan-14 11:05:12

Confront him about the court hearing, and request proof of insurance. You are not in the wrong here, so don't let it become an argument about you "snooping". The issue is:

1. why has he hidden something like this from you?
2. has he been letting you drive uninsured?

Lweji Wed 29-Jan-14 11:06:38

I don't think it is a good sign that he kept driving without a license, that he is driving uninsured, and he lied about having you in his insurance.

You must realise that he is likely to keep lying to you about other things too. And these are not small white lies, IMO.
Has he made you to feel you are a goody-goody two shoes?

I don't think it's good to have very different ethic and moral references in a relationship. It will cause aggro. sad

Jess03 Wed 29-Jan-14 11:06:50

That sort of dishonesty and irresponsibility would be a deal breaker for me, to lose your license and keep driving is idiotic as well. How can you trust him? Everyone makes mistakes but this is two mistakes and he hasn't even been honest with you.

DizzyKipper Wed 29-Jan-14 11:07:56

Sorry but I agree with the others. I think there are just limits to what you can accept and the lie above is a major one. It would really make me question whether I could ever trust him - and if I couldn't it would mean checking on EVERYTHING and having to do everything alone as the only way to be sure it was done. In the long run it would be far too much stress. Have you been together long?

afussyphase Wed 29-Jan-14 11:10:01

Yes, and what happens if he gets in an accident, doesn't have insurance, and is liable for 10k, 20k, 30k ... in damages to someone or something? And your finances are entangled, what with living together? At least take steps to protect yourself financially...

FolkGirl Wed 29-Jan-14 11:10:17

That would be too much for me, too. I would end it. If he's willing to let you drive uninsured and drive himself when he's lost his license and uninsured, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him.

These aren't little white lies, these are great big whoppers and illegal and could get you into a lot of trouble too.

This isn't the same as forgetting to pay his tax for a couple of days. This is serious.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 29-Jan-14 11:13:18

Deal breaker for me.

Did he drive your son around in his car without license or insurance?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 29-Jan-14 11:21:44

Btw OP he will be lying about a lot more than just this. Lying is a habit- my exp would lie over the tiniest little things that had no consequences just because he was too lazy to thibk of the right answer. Stupid things like if i asked where the car keys were he would say "dunno" rather than say "kitchen counter" where he knew he had left them just because dunno was easier than having a one second think. This happened in all aspects of our relationship and he did it with his family and friends too. His dad was/is exactly the same. Not a good way to maintain a relationship.

JenBehavingBadly Wed 29-Jan-14 11:25:35

I'd take a step back and if I didn't do that, at the minimum I'd keep my finances completely separate.

He would do anything to make you happy, but was happy for you to drive around in his car uninsured. That's not a small white lie, that's a real corker of a lie.

You need to sit down with him and ask "what else", giving him the opportunity to get anything else he may be hiding, out into the open.

Twinklestein Wed 29-Jan-14 11:26:18

They're not white lies, they're just the normal bogstandard black kind.

It's a good thing you discovered that he's irresponsible, untrustworthy and dishonest before you moved in together.

The problem with liars is that you can't trust a word they say. You're now questioning the whole basis of your relationship - is he even divorced? Trust is the foundation of a relationship, without that you have nothing.

As regards his ban, he may have racked up speeding penalties, been caught driving carelessly or without a licence etc. If he was 18 you could put it down to immaturity but as an adult, it's just stupidity.

He's not thoughtful as you claim, but thoughtless

You've dodged a bullet, get out ASAP.

Miggsie Wed 29-Jan-14 11:26:19

Agree - this isn't a bit of a lie, it's a big one.

Does he tend not to admit to anything that puts him in a bad light?
Is he unable to admit he is wrong?

You say he is incredibly attentive - but you are not yet moved in - this may change.

You need to talk to him about this now - if you let this go you will be stuck with doubts - just mention you saw it in the pile of paperwork - see what he says/does. You need to see how he handles a stressful encounter in a relationship before you move in together - if he is defensive and has a go at you, then it is likely a good idea not to move in.

He should apologise for lying and doing something illegal and worrying you - if he does not apologise I would assume he lies quite a lot and he would not be a good bet as a long term partner.

If he lied because he thought you would think less of him and he feels a twit for losing his licence then it may be ok.

The fact that now you are wondering if he is really divorced suggests that somewhere you have picked up on some body language that makes you suspicious.
It is better to address these issues now - you could ask him if his ex get maintenance for example - this is a legitimate thing for you to ask him as it affects the family finances.

Twinklestein Wed 29-Jan-14 11:27:32

Xpost with Jen- exactly.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 29-Jan-14 11:35:15

When you say he would go to great lengths to ensure you are well and happy- what you could be describing is a man who will go to great lengths to assuage his guilt and to make himself happy by telling you the things that he knows will make you happy that in return make his life easier.

CocktailQueen Wed 29-Jan-14 11:56:57

Sorry, OP, that's a big lie. Has he been driving your ds around? Driving without a licence shows a complete lack of respect for the law and other road users.

And has he told other similar lies?

Time for a chat? And I would think seriously before entwining your finances with his.

spindlyspindler Wed 29-Jan-14 12:07:38

He's let you drive your son around in an uninsured car for however long and you're worrying about whether or not he's really divorced? Put that on the back burner until that car is transferred into your name and you've got valid insurance.

It doesn't sound like he's lying about his divorce, but he does sound incredibly irresponsible and risk-blind.

ZorbaTheHoarder Wed 29-Jan-14 12:27:30

I would say that it is not just the lie itself, which is damaging enough (to your trust in him) but also the fact that he doesn't see anything wrong with driving while uninsured and even letting you drive while uninsured. That would suggest to me that he thinks he is better than everyone else in society who does feel that they should obey the law.

He is also giving no consideration to you at all - he is in effect saying that he is not bothered about the trouble and embarrassment you would suffer if stopped by the police while driving his car.

As everyone else is saying, if someone is happy to lie about doing something illegal, there is no way that this is the only thing he is lying about...

StellaBrillante Wed 29-Jan-14 12:28:41

spindlyspindler you are right ref. the divorce, I only added that as it all comes to trust and the extent of one's lies! But without a doubt, this is a much bigger issue than crushing somebody's feelings.

I agree with the 'risk-blind' and irresponsible remarks too. And Twinklestein my exh was a compulsive liar and by the end of our marriage, I simply couldn't be bothered to listen to anything he had to say.

Right, decision time then. No finances entwined, thankfully, but our plan to live together is pretty much in motion which makes the whole situation a lot trickier.

As so many of you mentioned, it doesn't just make you question who the other person is but their whole motivation for behaving in certain ways. You start seeing all those wonderful, loving gestures as nothing but a cover up or as a distraction, so you pay less attention to the shortcomings and real issues. How does he sleep at night with such a huge problem in the back of his mind? I would have cracked under the pressure and asked for help. Well, I wouldn't have got myself in this situation in the first place: my car insurance is always up to date and so are my licence, MOT, servicing etc. I like to live my life 'by the book' and that's something pretty fundamental in terms of values and integrity.

Quitelikely Wed 29-Jan-14 12:28:47

It's quite a thing to let you go around driving uninsured though! It will be interesting to hear what he has got to say on the matter. Personally I don't think any excuse would be acceptable. I think my respect would also shrink for someone who displayed this sort of behaviour!

FolkGirl Wed 29-Jan-14 12:34:31

If you like to live life by the book and he doesn't, I think you will find it very stressful living with him.

oranges Wed 29-Jan-14 12:35:45

I wouldn't bother explaining away the snooping. Just say you were going through papers on the kitchen table and you found this and ask him about it. If he starts on the 'how dare you go through my things' schtick, ask yourself if you want to live like this for years.

FolkGirl Wed 29-Jan-14 12:35:51

I understand that it makes things trickier, given that the wheels of moving in are in motion, but this new information gives you a very valid reason to reconsider your position.

If he makes out you're over reacting or ridiculous for being concerned then that would definitely be conversation over for me.

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