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Had my world turned upside down last week, now feel like I'm on probation.

(33 Posts)
Supercold Wed 22-Jan-14 21:10:06

Have NCd for this as my usual NN is known to some people and I really don't want them to know about this.

Last week DH did something pretty thoughtless and selfish (too long to go into details about). When I challenged him about it, he admitted that he had been, but during the conversation told me that he didn't think he loved me 'enough' anymore and that was part of the reason he had done what he did- he didn't care about how I would feel.

It just completely floored me, I had no idea that anything was fundamentally wrong in our relationship. We talked a lot, and he was saying he felt disconnected and, I felt, trying to blame me for that.

At no point previously had he said he felt we had any problems in our marriage. We've been married for a long time and had been chatting about what we would do once both of the DCs were at university, which isn't that far away.

He did say he wanted us to stay together and work on things. He has had some issues with losing his erection during sex over the past few months, but said he didn't know whether they were physical or psychological issues. I haven't wanted to push the subject in case it made him more anxious about it.

Monday I got pretty annoyed with myself as we slept together twice at the weekend. I was upset that I had lowered myself to sleeping with a man who didn't know if he loved me enough to stay married to me. I told him this and we ended up having another long discussion. I don't know exactly what I said, but I said something that seemed to resonate with him and he said that everything would be fine and that he really did love me.

I am just completely confused. On the Monday night, I hadn't been particularly cheery when he'd called to say he was on his way home, as I was upset about sleeping with him. Before we had our discussion, he said that me being like that made him not feel good.

How the fuck am I supposed to feel though? I do love him and want to stay together, but I feel like I have to be permanently on my best behaviour and show him the best of me. I feel I have had every right to not feel positive all the time as I am the one who has had this dropped on them completely out of the blue. To be quite honest, I don't if I will ever feel secure in our marriage again as this episode came without warning.

I have absolutely no clue what to do about having sex with him. I am not going to initiate anything, but I don't know what to do if he does. On the one hand it's part of the marriage and would help with feeling closer, but on the other I'm still feeling very hurt and insecure and don't want to give that part of myself to him.

He has said he will go to the docs and get his hormone levels checked, but finding time to do it is another matter. He moved into a much more stressful and busy job about 10 months ago. I don't know if that's had anything to do with his issues, but I don't suppose it helps. I asked him outright if he was having an affair or if he wanted to have one, and he said not. I do believe that.

BumPotato Thu 23-Jan-14 11:08:44

My ex couldn't get it up when he was having an affair. Difference between you and I was that I had an ego the size of Brazil, so immediately recognised the problem was his and moved as fast as I could. Oh and we had no kids.

Don't try to be perfect for this man.

BumPotato Thu 23-Jan-14 11:11:14

*moved on

Sorry my post sounds blunt, what I want to say that anyone who deliberately tries to make you feel bad about yourself, who ever they are, should be told to fuck right off to the far side of fuck. They seriously aren't worth the effort.

TotallyBenHanscom Thu 23-Jan-14 11:18:33

Amberleaf it's irrelevant whether it's a physical or psychological reason for the DH's erectile dysfunction. Even if it is physical, then it wouldn't necessarily occur every time they had sex.

It could account for why he's suddenly questioning his relationship with his wife - it's a problem to be worked through, and one which often starts with the thought, "maybe I'm not attracted to my wife any more if I can't keep it up during sex".

The situation doesn't look good, but all those things could be explained by her OH's ED problems, just as much as an affair.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 24-Jan-14 11:46:08

What an utter bastard - to say he does not care how you feel! He damn well should feel something unless he 1) has no feelings, 2) hates your guts.

He may not love you any more but there should at least be some respect of a human being - you are/were his wife and mother to his children.

Jesus! Very very glad I am single!

skyeskyeskye Fri 24-Jan-14 12:48:31

My XH announced out of nowhere that he didn't feel the same about me any more and at the same time was suddenly becoming close to his best mates wife, a woman he had previously disliked.

He also had erectile problems. Guilt will do that to you.

I think that you need to keep a very open mind. If he is having an affair, he is not going to admit it. My XH denied it, even when I found proof of thousands of texts to her and a lot of flirty emails. He was the last man in the universe that you would have thought would have an affair.

There is always a reason behind it when they change so suddenly and it is usually another woman.

Just be prepared for it to come out. Have you checked emails/phone/facebook chat? That's how I discovered mine after he had left.

Very similar to what happened to me, and my DH said there wasn't anyone else as well. I also believed him. He is someone everyone had pinned as honourable, and people thought he adored me. Turned out the source of his coldness to me, and yes, erectile problems, was a sweet young thing from the office.

Whether you want to stay with him or not, the very best thing you can do now is tell him to move out while you consider your feelings for him. Nothing works better than the short sharp shock of reality.

educationforlife Fri 24-Jan-14 17:04:15

Another one with a tosser ex who couldn't get it up because he was screwing a 20.yr-old had medical/stress related problems poor diddums.

MissScatterbrain Fri 24-Jan-14 19:05:15

Yes, it sounds very much like an affair, sorry Op sad

Pull the rug from under him - tell him you need more time to consider if you still want to be married to him.

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